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Thread: Heartbroken at 39

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    40ish and you'll find most people paired up. You were paired up after all. It makes sense that would be your social circle.

    I went through the same post divorce, I joined meet ups, contacted old friends, cultivated new ones.

    I am not going to lie. There were lonely times. But those solitary times forced me to work on my relationship with myself. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I am grateful for the experience. That was a period of strong growth for me. It wouldn't have happened otherwise.

  2. #22
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Beautiful. And yes... I have been down a very similar road... and come out the other side so very glad I took the time to really spend time with me, and so very glad I didn’t settle.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and the love we share is incredible... and I am 47.
    This is so encouraging. Thank you.

  3. #23
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Thank you for telling me I am young! I dont think anyone has said that to me and that helps!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can relate to reinvent, and to you, gooseduck.

    I never aspired to "live outside of convention," or anything like that, but beginning in my mid-30s, right up to present day, it seems that's kind of how the chips have fallen. During the past 6 years, as many of my friends settled into coupledom, marriage, and procreation, I took to traveling, setting up homes in multiple cities and a life that could support that. It's been rewarding. It's been lonesome. Those two things are not unrelated. My best friends are often 1000s of miles away, and as I write this sentence I'm a little over 1.5 years into setting up my life in another city.

    Aside from thinning out my community, or at least dispersing it, all of that made dating a little tricky. Many women, understandably, meet a 38/39-year-old dude who has never been married, never lived with a woman, opts for a motorcycle over a car, gets his mail at an address 2000 miles from where he lives, and so on, and some eyebrows get raised on the question of partnership potential. I think I've raised those very eyebrows, myself, at myself here and there.

    But what are you doing to do? I think of myself as pretty conventional, perhaps with a twist or an olive garnish, and had to have faith that someone would see that, get that, find security in that and offer me security back. Met someone who does. She had her own twisty road to meeting me, with some of those twists coming in trying out certain conventions, realizing they didn't fit, and finding herself outside the "conventional norms" along the way. Different variables, similar headspace to share, explore, and be all sorts of ga-ga about together. No way we'd have been able to do that a decade ago, provably not even three years ago. Had to adjust to the twists on our own, first.

    You are young, both literally and figuratively. You haven't even been adult for two decades, and global life expectancy charts inform me that you're likely to live longer than you've already been alive. Factor in that our first 5 years are basically reduced to 10 blurry memories, the next 10 or so something of a blur themselves, and, by some metrics, you are just beginning this business of living.

    That's how I feel, at least, with the clock about to strike 40. Didn't quite feel that way when I was in the fires a few years ago, but it was the harder truth that revealed itself eventually.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I can relate to reinvent, and to you, gooseduck.

    I never aspired to "live outside of convention," or anything like that, but beginning in my mid-30s, right up to present day, it seems that's kind of how the chips have fallen. During the past 6 years, as many of my friends settled into coupledom, marriage, and procreation, I took to traveling, setting up homes in multiple cities and a life that could support that. It's been rewarding. It's been lonesome. Those two things are not unrelated. My best friends are often 1000s of miles away, and as I write this sentence I'm a little over 1.5 years into setting up my life in another city.

    Aside from thinning out my community, or at least dispersing it, all of that made dating a little tricky. Many women, understandably, meet a 38/39-year-old dude who has never been married, never lived with a woman, opts for a motorcycle over a car, gets his mail at an address 2000 miles from where he lives, and so on, and some eyebrows get raised on the question of partnership potential. I think I've raised those very eyebrows, myself, at myself here and there.

    But what are you doing to do? I think of myself as pretty conventional, perhaps with a twist or an olive garnish, and had to have faith that someone would see that, get that, find security in that and offer me security back. Met someone who does. She had her own twisty road to meeting me, with some of those twists coming in trying out certain conventions, realizing they didn't fit, and finding herself outside the "conventional norms" along the way. Different variables, similar headspace to share, explore, and be all sorts of ga-ga about together. No way we'd have been able to do that a decade ago, provably not even three years ago. Had to adjust to the twists on our own, first.

    You are young, both literally and figuratively. You haven't even been adult for two decades, and global life expectancy charts inform me that you're likely to live longer than you've already been alive. Factor in that our first 5 years are basically reduced to 10 blurry memories, the next 10 or so something of a blur themselves, and, by some metrics, you are just beginning this business of living.

    That's how I feel, at least, with the clock about to strike 40. Didn't quite feel that way when I was in the fires a few years ago, but it was the harder truth that revealed itself eventually.
    You're on the spot. I am excited to get to my "spot," that vantage point, the good place, one day soon after this breakthrough.

  7. #26
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    I met a lot of fabulous people through volunteering.

    Give yourself some time to heal and get to a better spot. I think you will do just fine.

  8. #27
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    There's something wonderful about finding true love later in life....He's out there somewhere, and you'll know it when you meet him.

    Thank you Sarah for the wonderful words. My ex, as wonderful as he was on so many levels, breaks easily. He has been prone to be a quitter so I look forward to meeting a fellow warrior. I revisited one of my favorites and see that people on this forum are all warriors, wonderful to be in your company:

    “Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

    '

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 



    'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

    

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 



    ― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

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