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Thread: Feeling guilty for being interested in another woman

  1. #1
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    Feeling guilty for being interested in another woman

    Hi everyone. You can read my story in my other thread on my profile

    After a month I'm doing pretty great, I'm moving on faster than I thought and the break up isn't affecting my life at all.

    However there's this girl I've been interested in recently that I've been talking to.

    And sometimes I have this though in the back of my mind that hits me so hard it makes me sad. I feel like I'm closing the door on my loving ex forever, and we've had so much fun together and I feel like I'm insulting those memories by wanting to someday be with this girl.

    I don't break into tears but when this crosses my mind I can't help but be nostalgic about it. Please share your thoughts.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thoughts like this are pretty natural. Often they are a reminder of a few beautiful, if bittersweet things: the resilience of the heart, the reality that healing takes time, and the fact that the mark of space shared with someone does not end when the sharing stops.

    You are just out of a six year relationship. A month? You'd be a cyborg if you weren't spinning around a bit emotionally, and if attraction to and interest in another didn't trigger some spins. That's kind of why it's important to give ourselves time to process, so we can meet new people in the present without processing them through the lens of the past. You may just not be ready for that step, sweet a step as it seems.

    I remember my last big breakup, a three year relationship. It needed to end. Still, didn't mean I wasn't all over the map emotionally since, alas, I am not a cyborg. Like many, I went on some dates pretty quickly after it ended—too quickly. Met some cool, attractive people, but just the way I reacted—much the way you're reacting—let me know that I wasn't in the right state to connect. Nice to be reminded that there was a whole glittering world out there to explore once I was ready, but needed some time alone to get centered. Took that time—six or so reflective, celibate, romance-free months—and found when I emerged from that I was able to meet new people in the present tense, without the weight, without it feeling like a verdict on anything but just life being lived.

    Might mean you need to give yourself some space to breathe and feel, rather than trying to staunch the wound through expedited connection.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's part of saying goodbye. The tears and your emotions means that you're in the process of letting go. There will come a day when there will not be any tears. I think you need more time to decompress and you're not ready to date. You also seem in denial that the break up is not affecting you. It is. Accept that and don't bury what you feel in order to skip through all the dirty, messy bits. You should be spending time, not feeling ashamed to be sad or reminiscent, acknowledging your sadness.

    I'd also go so far as to say you're on a journey and I think you should also be aware that your journey may differ from others or what you think it might be. You should feel at peace knowing and trusting in your own journey and leave room for outcomes that may not be your current standard of happiness. Don't place the standards of others on yourself either.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    A 6 year relationship and it's only been a month?!? You're no where ready to date.

    You're trying to replace your ex and pretend the feelings aren't there.

    It doesn't work. You need time alone, time to mourn and let go completely.

    Adding in some random girl and thinking it's a crush, is just putting a bandaid on the healing you need to do.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Thoughts like this are pretty natural. Often they are a reminder of a few beautiful, if bittersweet things: the resilience of the heart, the reality that healing takes time, and the fact that the mark of space shared with someone does not end when the sharing stops.
    .
    Thanks for the amazing answer. I wasn't pursuing her through a dating site or anything. I just met her through a common interest we share and we run into each other every week. But yes you're right. I should take time to reflect. Thank you so much

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It's part of saying goodbye. The tears and your emotions means that you're in the process of letting go. There will come a day when there will not be any tears. I think you need more time to decompress and you're not ready to date. You also seem in denial that the break up is not affecting you. It is. Accept that and don't bury what you feel in order to skip through all the dirty, messy bits. You should be spending time, not feeling ashamed to be sad or reminiscent, acknowledging your sadness.

    I'd also go so far as to say you're on a journey and I think you should also be aware that your journey may differ from others or what you think it might be. You should feel at peace knowing and trusting in your own journey and leave room for outcomes that may not be your current standard of happiness. Don't place the standards of others on yourself either.
    Hi I agree that I'm not ready to date. However I'm not in denial about the break up not affecting me. The reason is I have so many things in my life I love that I spend a lot of time on, for an example I'm an athlete, and even when I've been in a relationship I used to have a lot of fun on my own, so I don't feel like there's much of a void. I was devastated on the day we broke up but to my surprise I was fine from the next day. But yes I still have this "us" feeling about her and I feel like I'm ending that forever and it hurts. But not something I dwell on a lot.

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    A 6 year relationship and it's only been a month?!? You're no where ready to date.

    You're trying to replace your ex and pretend the feelings aren't there.

    It doesn't work. You need time alone, time to mourn and let go completely.

    Adding in some random girl and thinking it's a crush, is just putting a bandaid on the healing you need to do.
    Thanks. You gave me something to think. Should I not talk to this girl at all?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After a long relationship ends, especially under such odd terms([Register to see the link] ), it's normal to have a swirl of feelings including nostalgia mixed with the desire to put the past in the past and move on. You're 'just talking', so take it slowly.
    Originally Posted by HeartRemedy
    However there's this girl I've been interested in recently that I've been talking to. I feel like I'm closing the door on my loving ex forever, and we've had so much fun together and I feel like I'm insulting those memories by wanting to someday be with this girl.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's the thing: all breakups leave a void. A big one. There's no way around it. Doesn't matter if the breakup was a long time coming or out of the blue, if it was "cordial and loving" or "dramatic and devastating," if we had a full, rich life before or if our lives had come to revolve around another person. A void is a void is a void.

    When I hear someone, five minutes out of breakup, say that "I don't feel like there's much of a void," what I hear is someone who is really, really eager to stuff the void rather than accept it. I know that's not fun to hear, but there it is. Reminds me of when I was, I don't know, a month out of my last big one and a friend asked me how I was doing. "Great!" I replied. "I think I've really turned a lot of corners this week!" She, very wisely, said, "BC, you'll have turned a corner when you stop needing to announce that you've turned a corner."

    Ugh. Those words hit me hard, and it took another good stretch—like a year?—for me to even know what she really meant. But I was grateful to hear it, and grateful to let it seep in.

    Moral of the story? You're likely a little manic right now. Everyone, minus the cyborgs, is manic when a relationship ends. Colors are brighter, edges sharper, and new people glow with profound meaning. It's all kind of awesome—except, of course, when it is all very awful—but it's kind of critical to just recognize that you're likely in an altered state and that altered states aren't the best foundation for new romantic connections.

    It's not about admitting you're secretly a weak mess, because you're not. Do your thing, savor life, feel the spectrum of feelings, connect with people new and old. But just be strong enough to recognize you're healing, processing, and that getting to the other side of that is not an athletic competition. There are no blue ribbons, no judges, no audience.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HeartRemedy
    Hi I agree that I'm not ready to date. However I'm not in denial about the break up not affecting me. The reason is I have so many things in my life I love that I spend a lot of time on, for an example I'm an athlete, and even when I've been in a relationship I used to have a lot of fun on my own, so I don't feel like there's much of a void. I was devastated on the day we broke up but to my surprise I was fine from the next day. But yes I still have this "us" feeling about her and I feel like I'm ending that forever and it hurts. But not something I dwell on a lot.
    That's a great start. It's also about learning here and there about works and what doesn't work for you. I spent some years in a relationship that was not good for both of us and when it was time to leave, I never looked back. Different people leave relationships differently too. For some it takes effort and energy and a person may put a lot more effort into leaving before actually leaving and not experience the same symptoms you're describing. There is no right or wrong. There are many different personalities out there.

    That 'us' feeling will eventually fade as you begin to make new memories, revisit the same places with different people and revisit different thoughts, ideas, concepts in your newer/future relationships with new eyes and new perspectives. Your understandings will layer slowly and memories will layer upon each other, some more translucent and forgettable than others but they will layer over time. You don't have to try too hard. Just allow new memories to form and keep on with your activities. It's healthy to stay in shape and keep to your goals.

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