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NC from day one, it´s really hard to keep going, any advice?


SEJOKESIL

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This is my first post and I will like to ask for advice in the community, English is not my mother language, so I apologize for any mistake on the writing. Here’s the story I will try to make it short. I was dating this girl for couple of weeks in may, things were going fantastic and one day she tells me she’s going abroad to study 2 months. We kept dating and one week before she was going to leave I ask her to be my gf, she accepts and I tell her I will wait for her to prove I don’t want to be one more in her life, she agrees. The first couple of weeks of her in her trip we were chatting a lot, but as she got to know new people she started to contact less and less, I confront her and said I don’t want to control her but that she going out partying and don’t replying my messages for hours didn’t feel quite right.

 

We fought and I went NC 3 days where she got really angry, we talked and fixed things up, but as days were going she started again to text less and less, I was the one asking her to do video calls but sometimes it felt like she only accepted just to please me, the conversations were not long and didn’t have quality as before. I hold up to the fact that she was having fun and as soon as she will be back everything was going to be like before. The day she came back she asked me not to pick her up because she wanted to be with her family, next day we met and talked a lot, I ask her to have a private weekend, but she rejected because she was on her period and had a party with her school friends where no boyfriends or girlfriends were invited, I said ok no problem, that weekend I went out with my friends and she texted me angry because I stopped texting her while I was partying, thing that really pissed me off because she did it in her trip. So that weekend her family invited me to a welcome party, and I went, all the time she was with me she was texting guys and sending them selfies, I didn’t react.

 

Couple of days later I invited her to a movie where she was distanced an also always on her phone, didn’t react neither, I ask her again to have some time together as she says she can’t, maybe the next weekend. Those days she didn’t text that much because was busy at work and get home very tired. In the weekend she invited me to a friend’s party, I went there and again she’s really cold towards me, I ask if we were going to spend the night and says no, that her parents will kill her if she stays outside (she already did it once before leaving), I ask her what’s wrong, what happened that she’s really distant, she says that everything was going too fast, that I already know her family but she doesn’t, that she wasn’t to get to know me better, that we are so alike but etc etc, I tell her ok, lets get to know each other again of what she says if I didn’t want something with you I would take you to my friends and family, later on she kept chatting on her phone and sending selfies to other guys and then I lost it, I ask her if she does that with all her friends to what she says why I’m spying on her, I said I didn’t chek her cell only that the last couple of days together she was always chatting with the same guys, she says yes I do it with a lot of friends please don’t check my cellphone.

 

Later she just started dancing and chatting with her friends and left me there alone so I just made new friends there and started drinking, later in the night we had other fight and she says that she thinks that I only asked her to be my gf because I wanted to control her on her trip, I said no, she ask then to be together but not in a relationship , that she will be faithful but not committed , I said no I don’t accept that and left. Next morning, she texts me saying that she’s sorry, that she was drunk, etc. I tell her if you want to fix this you know where I live, she goes to my place and tells me the exact same thing, ¨I don’t want commitment¨, I just tell her ok, ask her if she cheated on me on her trip what she says no, I then just tell her ok, I’m not going to force you to be with me, thank you for the moment we had together it made me happy and left.

 

Later she sends me a text saying she’s going to regret letting me go but that we where on different pages, I reply again with im not gonna force you to be with someone you don’t want, I like you a lot and im happy I kept my promise of waiting you, this isn’t the way I expected things to go but ok. She says she doesn’t want to leave but don’t want the commitment, that she likes me a lot but doesn’t know what to do, I reply with you don’t know how much I like you and care for you, she replies with ¨me too¨ and then ask me how’s my day going, I never reply back. Next morning, I search the chat to reply but her profile pic was not available what means she erased me, later that day I check again and there was again the picture. The advice I’m looking for Is what should I do, these days had been eternal for me, barely slept, I keep thinking of her, wanting her to show up and fix things, I never begged I never treated her wrong. I know it wasn’t much time we spend together but I really liked her. What you guys think of her behavior and what should I do?

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she thinks that I only asked her to be my gf because I wanted to control her on her trip,

 

I read the entire thread and at this point said `bingo' right out loud. From the onset I sensed the same thing.

 

You knew this girl a mere 2 weeks and ask for a commitment from her prior to leaving for 2 months. Why? There is no other reason I can think of, other than to lock her down while she's gone.

 

You didn't know each other and yet she is bound to you in some way. You had expectations that matched that.

This started off badly and things that start badly, end badly.

 

What you guys think of her behavior and what should I do?

I think her behavior is not unusual for a young independent woman her age, who isn't interested in some guy trying to control her.

 

I think you should focus on your part in all of this.

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I'm not a fan of you having to prove anything to her at the start. Your language suggests you're taking on a burden or bridging a gap for her insecurities which shifts a great deal of weight to you. It's imbalanced and unhealthy from the beginning. Where any one person bears the burden of proving trustworthiness in any way the relationship begins flawed. This is why the survival of relationships after infidelity is low. Trust has been broken. In this case, trust was not there to start with. There was very little time for you to get to know one another and I don't think this is typical behaviour of most people even teens.

 

My only advice to you is to watch how far you're willing to bend and make up for the insecurities and lack of trust in a relationship. Try and be more open with yourself and real with yourself in what you can and cannot do. This comes with time and practice. If you have role models in your life or people you can look to for support and guidance in how to conduct yourself you might want to observe these individuals a bit more or try and emulate their sense of balance and how they treat others and themselves. Try learning this early on.

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I think if you've come across as controlling it's because she seems very low in self-esteem and unable to figure out her own emotions. You're with a confusing person who doesn't want to be with someone like you due to her own insecurities. Try and be more aware of your company and the type of people you invite in your life. The more confusing a person is, the more you might feel it's your responsibility to be responsible and this may make you appear heavyhanded. Get to know each other more next time when you meet someone new. There are other types of women out there.

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Hi

 

Well from the reply’s so far i think i was misunderstood. The idea of waiting for her was not to control her, i never did, never asked or pressure her not to go out and have fun, i tried to comprehend as much as possible. What i was trying to accomplish is to show her i liked her a lot and didn’t want to be just one more but i guess it backfired a lot. we went out for one month dating. We meet the first time couple of years ago but just kept basic contact on social media until this year that we started talking again, we have friends in common so it was not something out of the blue.

 

Thank you for your point of view, gives me a lot of insight.

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I was in this situation with my ex girlfriend, she used to do all of these things that you're saying in this post. Chatting with other guys while not letting you talk to other girls, acting cold to you at parties etc. Best advice I can give you is to stick with NC. I did it for 5 months before she came back around. Take this time to build yourself up and become a new person. If she comes back around then you can make a decision, but there is no guarantee of that happening unfortunately. It does get better, the days become quicker and the pain will subside, but only if you do the work. You sound like a very mature and understanding individual, I would say don't make the mistake I made by letting that girl back into your life, because you truly deserve better. I wish you the best of luck, keep going because it will get better:)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello

 

Quick update, I’m still in NC, it´s been 4 weeks already were some days I feel like breaking it, but later I tell myself that it will only put me again on day one. Few things happened that were awkward. First, last week I got couple of messages from her mom, they were like intended for someone else because they were work related, then a minute later she deleted them, i didnt reply. Second, on social media she unfollowed me on Insta two days ago but didn’t blocked me, why she did it until now but not the day we stopped talking?, she used to watch my Stories after the break up but didn’t react, I didn’t upload anything to make her jealous, just me with my pets or working out just like i always did before and while with her . Any thoughts?

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Hello

 

Quick update, I’m still in NC, it´s been 4 weeks already were some days I feel like breaking it, but later I tell myself that it will only put me again on day one. Few things happened that were awkward. First, last week I got couple of messages from her mom, they were like intended for someone else because they were work related, then a minute later she deleted them, i didnt reply. Second, on social media she unfollowed me on Insta two days ago but didn’t blocked me, why she did it until now but not the day we stopped talking?, she used to watch my Stories after the break up but didn’t react, I didn’t upload anything to make her jealous, just me with my pets or working out just like i always did before and while with her . Any thoughts?

 

Insignificant events that have no meaning.

Congratulations on the 4 weeks. Now begin the practice of not ruminating.

Every time she comes to mind, stop and replace it with something else.

Assigning meaning to things such as this is an attempt to still stay attached. Though NC is good, you need to work on detaching from other things associated with her as well.

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