Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Dreams of the Ex-Girlfriend while in New Relationship

  1. #1
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    1,395
    Gender
    Male

    Dreams of the Ex-Girlfriend while in New Relationship

    Hello Everyone,

    I haven't written to this forum in a while. During 2018, I had a pretty rough time. Although I was not overweight by any means, I led a fairly unhealthy lifestyle. I gained weight, had high cholesterol, above average blood pressure, and succumbed to some pretty severe stress and anxiety. I had many monogamous FWB relationships, but nothing committed. Due to the anxiety, I often saw conspiracy and hostility where there were only small slights or nothing at all. At that time, too, I had started a new job, and not being the "expert" in my field in combination with catty/petty coworkers had me very low. Because of these stresses, I consider that the lost year. The stress and unhealthy behaviors caused me to not feel like myself. My fairly incessant brain-fog caused memory and retention problems. During this time, I was often off-and-on mopey about my long-time ex-girlfriend, Danielle. At that point, we were broken up for 2-3 years after dating just short of a year. It didn't help that the relationship ended with some trauma during the break-up period. Now it's been around 4 years give or take.

    Fast forward to more recently - in February I sent Danielle a letter that finally fessed up to my continual feelings (this was in February 2019, and it was a very respectable letter -I'm proud of myself for showing my feelings in a healthy and respectful way). I needed to do that to move on - after no response happened for several weeks, the dreams and pining stopped. I changed doctors and started Buspirone, a long-term anti-anxiety agent, which has done wonders for my mental health. I've started running again, and while not at my collegiate racing times, I feel healthier, dropped weight, and I'm almost certain the other health indicators have improved. I'm excelling in my job, and presented a policy-change to our local board that was successfully adopted 7-0; I may have been the youngest person to do so.

    Additionally, I've gained a steady girlfriend (became more committed in like May/June, declared it official/exclusive in August), and she's very pretty, charming, and sweet.

    Despite this, off-and-on in this last week, I've had dreams about the ex. Last night, my dream was about Danielle and I hanging out. In the dream, I asked if she had read the letter, and she said yes, she just didn't know how to respond. We then simply had a fun time joking around with each other, and sharing the warmth that we once did.

    My question is - why am I still dreaming about her? Why am I still experiencing an achy morning now and again? She's gone. She's been gone. It's been years, and there has been more than enough grieving and getting over her. I'm with someone new who is very valuable to me. What do these dreams mean? :/

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    When it comes to dreams, I like to keep things pretty simple. So what do these mean? They mean that...you had some dreams about Danielle. Nothing less, nothing more, a totally human thing that isn't something to spin out about.

    Clearly this woman got under your skin in a big way, became a major source of pain and validation even after (especially after?) the relationship ended. You ruminated and ruminated, for years. And over that time you probably built her up into a Major Life Chapter in your personal narrative. So instead of you just being you, you kind of split yourself into two yous: with-Danielle you and broken-by-Danielle you, perhaps with the sense that Danielle, and Danielle only, had the power to reconcile those two yous into a whole once more. Anxiety, depression: these are things that can lead us to really fixate on people, on certain parts of ourselves, in ways that assign them value and power that they may not actually have. Sounds like you've done that plenty with her, so it makes sense that she still occupies a large part of your consciousness and sub-conscious.

    Most people think about their exes, have the occasional dream about an ex. It's human. And new romance, and all the delicious sensations of it, tend to stir some thoughts and feelings about the past. A new kiss reminds of you old kisses, and so on. It only has to be a cause for concern if you label it that. Label it something more simply—a thing that happens to humans—and it tends to lose its power.

    If you're genuinely happy with your new girlfriend, genuinely excited to keep exploring and deepening that connection—well, just keep leaning into that. These dreams don't negate all that. Humans are complex. It's what makes us interesting. Dreams our places where our complexities can waltz around freely—nothing more, nothing less.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,790
    Gender
    Female
    You never forget people who were a large part or a big influence in your life, regardless of how long or short they were a part of it or how long ago it all happened. It's as simple as that. Sometimes you'll think about them, sometimes you'll miss them, sometimes you might have a dream about them. Quite normal, but also quite meaningless.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,498
    It does mean you yearn for them necessary. Listen to what you ex says in your dreams. It's usually a lesson learned. Ruts happens to the best of us; Congrats on getting out of yours.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    315
    Just my two cents.

    There are a myriad of reason why we dream what we dream. How often have you been thinking of her recently? Sometimes that is why we dream of someone. Also, what does Danielle represent to you? Sometimes who we dream about is not as important as what that person represents.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    1,395
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    It does mean you yearn for them necessary. Listen to what you ex says in your dreams. It's usually a lesson learned. Ruts happens to the best of us; Congrats on getting out of yours.
    Thank you. Perhaps I'm still left wondering why she never responded, but if there are any worries, they usually do not surface recognizably/consciously.

    Originally Posted by greendots
    Just my two cents.

    There are a myriad of reason why we dream what we dream. How often have you been thinking of her recently? Sometimes that is why we dream of someone. Also, what does Danielle represent to you? Sometimes who we dream about is not as important as what that person represents.
    She (our break-up) is/was a problem I cannot solve; a person with whom I cannot communicate; and an ideal (perceived or real) that I cannot achieve. I do not think I have been thinking about her recently to any significant degree, but I'm in a public, committed relationship with someone new. That's the first time something like this has happened in 4 years, the last being her. Perhaps this is her idea's last stand in my mind. Or, perhaps, I'm ascribing meaning or significance where there is none. I had a bad dream about something crazy unrealistic a couple of days ago, too. Maybe this is no different, as the others have said.
    Last edited by Pleasedonot5; 08-20-2019 at 01:22 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Michigan, USA
    Posts
    1,395
    Gender
    Male
    @bluecastle and @DancingFool,

    Thank you. I might have gotten all worked up about nothing. Still, that the dream(s) had such an effect on me and my day makes me wonder whether or not I'm doing my current relationship a disservice. I sure hope not. I want to be in a relationship with my new girlfriend and I want everything to work out so that I can end up happy with someone, I just hope I'm not forcing the idea of a relationship with her where I shouldn't be.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Pleasedonot5
    She (our break-up) is/was a problem I cannot solve; a person with whom I cannot communicate; and an ideal (perceived or real) that I cannot achieve.
    At some point, for your sake, I hope you can synthesize the above into a simpler statement. Something like: She was a person I was with for a while; it worked, until it stopped working, as happens with people; took me a while to grasp all that, as also happens.

    That's not to dismiss the magnitude of it all, but to encourage you to stop feeling the need to invest the story with more weight. It can be real, and powerful, without being a riddle. It can be a story, not the story, of your life. It does not need to be solved.

    So maybe instead of thinking of Danielle as an unsolvable enigma think of her as someone who, among other things, taught you just that: that people aren't problems to solve, but just people. We share ourselves with those who serve us, and shed those who don't. Sometimes we do the shedding, and sometimes we are shed. It is all difficult, all beautiful, all part of the journey.

    And, along the way, we have some strange dreams.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Pleasedonot5
    I want to be in a relationship with my new girlfriend and I want everything to work out so that I can end up happy with someone, I just hope I'm not forcing the idea of a relationship with her where I shouldn't be.
    Well, per my last post, and my first post, maybe try to tell a simpler story. Something like: your girlfriend is a new person who you are enjoying exploring and who is enjoying exploring you; you don't quite know where it will go, and that's okay, what the exploration is for; time knows the answers to your questions, so surrender to time rather than trying to outthink it.

  11. #10
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    315
    Originally Posted by Pleasedonot5
    She (our break-up) is/was a problem I cannot solve; a person with whom I cannot communicate; and an ideal (perceived or real) that I cannot achieve.
    Quick question: this "ideal (perceived or real) that I cannot achieve", what is it exactly? In, other words, can you describe it?

    Therein lies your answer. My guess is you are fixated (for lack of a better term at the moment) on this ideal as to why you dreamt of her.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •