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Thread: Moving in with my boyfriend hasn't turned into what I expected

  1. #1

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    Moving in with my boyfriend hasn't turned into what I expected

    I'm not entirely sure where this is going to go, I might just need to vent to be honest but if anyone has advice please let me know.

    I have temporarily moved in with my boyfriend and 4 other roommates for a few weeks as I wait for my new lease to begin. I was so excited for this and thought I was going to love living with my boyfriend (before I moved in we practically lived together, spending the night together every night, having dinner together, sharing groceries etc.) but it seems like the opposite is happening. I am a year older than my boyfriend, so the last few months I have been working full time, and then starting in June I started a Master's program that had me out of the house every day from 8-5, he is a senior in college and only had one summer class and worked part-time so he spent a lot of his time at home. Every day when I got back from work or from school he would be so excited to see me and he'd jump up and hug me and squeeze me and just look so happy to see me. Since I have moved in with him this has almost completely stopped. I keep trying to tell myself not to think too much into it and that it's probably just because I live there now so maybe it's less exciting when I come home (even though I'm still gone all day as I used to be) but it definitely hurts every time I walk in the door expecting him to be so thrilled to see me and he barely even looks away from his phone or the TV.

    Also since I've moved in our sex-life has almost completely stopped. We used to have sex a minimum of 4 times a week and since I moved in 2 weeks ago I think we've had sex twice, maybe three times. I think it's because instead of going upstairs to his room around 10 pm and just hanging out us two like we used to before I lived there, we're now staying in the living room with his other roommates until about midnight so by the time we get upstairs he's too tired to have sex. I've tried mentioning this to him and I pointing out the lack of sex we've had lately and he said he was going to work on it and on initiating more or at least letting me know when he's horny, but this has not happened at all since we talked about it about a week ago.

    He also used to talk to me on the phone every day for my 30 minute commute home from class and since I've moved in we haven't done this at all, I tried calling him today but he said he was watching TV with his roommates and didn't want to. I know that most of these changes are probably due to me living with him now but I can't help but get in my head about it and think that he's bored of me or that I'm just not exciting because I live there now. I'm also frustrated because I was literally his neighbor before I moved in, so other than me showering and cooking at his place now, me moving in hasn't changed anything at all. I've tried telling him how I feel, and how it seems like he's bored or uninterested in me lately but he'll say he's sorry and that he's going to work on it and nothing changes.

    I know that most of these problems will probably go away when I move into my new apartment in two weeks but until then I don't know what to do, I feel so uncomfortable and unwanted when I'm in his house now, and he hasn't done anything to make it better, when I'm there all we do is sit in his living room with his roommates either watching a tv show that I do not like (and my boyfriend is aware I don't like it), playing a game on their xbox that I don't like (also aware I don't like this game) or listening to rap music which I also don't like. I don't mind hanging out with his roommates, and I don't mind doing things I don't like every once and awhile because I know I'm the guest and it's not my place to say anything or complain about it, but my boyfriend knows I'm not enjoying myself and he'll still stay downstairs with his roommates until he almost falls asleep on the couch so by the time we get up to his room where we could actually hang out, talk about our day, or do something that I enjoy he falls asleep. When I brought this up to him he said he's just having a hard time figuring out how to split his time up between me and his friends now that I'm living there but like I said before, me living there has not changed how much we see each other at all.

    So sorry that was so long, I think I needed to rant more than anything but advice is helpful too.

  2. #2
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    My ex did the same thing after I moved in. He stayed in his workshop until very late, usually 3 or 4 am, while I had to be at work at 7:30 am so I couldn't wait up (not that he seemed to want me to). Sex slowed to a crawl too.

    I did move back out after 4 months, but there was no getting it back. We broke up soon after.

    For whatever reason he found me much more compelling when I wasn't there every night. He behaved as though I was invading his personal space (even though HE had suggested I move in). Apparently I cramped his style or something.

    And when I asked him he gave vague, non answers. Maybe he didn't even know why I lost my appeal after moving in.

    I do wonder how it would go if you two had your own place together. Has that been discussed?

    Anyway, if things don't improve after you move out it may be time to rethink the relationship.

  3. #3

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    We're planning to move in to our own place once we both graduate (so hopefully next summer), we're going to different colleges right now so in two weeks I'll be moving an hour away, which isn't too bad but I figured the idea of me moving away would make him more clingy not the opposite. I really am hoping that things will go back to normal once I move back out, it's killing me to feel like this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Dating is a lot different than living together or marriage. Once you're with each other that much it's about paying bills, errands, chores - cleaning, laundry, cooking and if the maturity level isn't there to co-habitate, it won't work out living together. You're better off with reverting to the dating stage or call it quits if you're disgusted with him.

    Also, keep in mind, you're with roommates which is a heck of a lot different than just two people living together under one roof. You can't relax when there are bunch of roommates who are strangers to you. It's disruptive, there's no privacy and you can't enjoy your home without what feels like intruders in your home. In other words, it's too crowded!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    On one hand I totally get the frustrations. All your worst fears: that he's a lazy dude now that you share a key, that your days of sexual exuberance are in the past, that the best is not yet to come but has already come and gone—well, they may come true. Time will answer that more accurately than any of us.

    On the other hand? It has been two weeks. If you can't allow for some small changes to occur without getting bent out of shape you're going to find relationships a struggle and cohabitation nearly impossible. Your sex life, for instance? I wouldn't call 2-3 times in 2 weeks, as opposed to 8 times, to be "almost completely stopped." It's a slight dip. Best way to address that? It's generally not by going straight to the Big Talk, but to whisper in someone's ear when the clock strikes 10 that you'd like to go upstairs. Wink wink, see what happens. Often the dip becomes a summit again without anyone needing to feel like they have to "work on it." The moment intimacy turns into labor is, for many, a hard moment to recover from.

    Honestly, what you're describing is not quite living together but crashing at his place for a month before you get your own. That's just different. Temporary and convenience-based—which, hey, all good. But to turn that into a test of how things would be if you really moved in, or an opportunity to play newlyweds—well, that's just a recipe for disappointment.

    How long have you been together? Why the rush to live together anyway? You're both so young, still in some pretty major transitional moments.

  7. #6

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    I am only living with him temporarily because I had a gap between when my old lease ended and my new lease started. We are not in a rush to live together, we are still decently young. I don't think this is how it would be if we lived together alone, I actually think having our own place would be very very different than this so I am not using this as a test to see how living together would me.
    I'm more worried with how quickly his actions changed, and how/what I should do to stop letting these actions bother me, I realize that these changes are most likely due to me crashing at his place for the month and that they will most likely go away but for right now I can't help but get upset about it.

  8. #7

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    I'm not disgusted with him at all! No, I'm not worried about how we would be if we lived alone, I know that would be quite different than it is right now for sure. The thing is that even before I 'moved in' we were neighbors, I would come over every day after work and spent the whole night there or vice versa. So the roommates and crowdedness of the house shouldn't be a huge factor because that's how it was even before I moved in and that didn't bother either of us before.

  9. #8
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    I think perhaps a bit of commitment phobia is rearing its ugly head.

    What’s happening is that before, even though you were spending most nights at his, you still had your own place to live and return to. You had that option.

    Your spending time together was a choice and came from a place of desire to spend time together.

    Now, since moving in (even though it's temporary), it’s no longer a choice, a desire, it’s become an obligation.

    And for some people who are a bit skittish about commitment, that obligation feels uncomfortable; they feel “boxed in” and suffocated.

    It’s very similar to claustrophobia, fear of enclosed spaces, only difference is with this particular fear, it’s fear of being mentally closed in.

    He’s not ready for it, clearly. Too close for comfort as they say. Even though it's only temporary.

    Can you stay at a friends or family member until you move into your own place?

    I would feel same as you, and I would get the heck out of there ASAP. I for one do not enjoy being somewhere, living somewhere, where I am not fully welcomed with open arms. That would be uncomfortable for me.

    I realize there are always adjustments, but his behavior just seems very extreme to me. Clearly he is not as excited about you and lost some of his desire for you (the lack of excitement when you get home, and the huge decline in sexual relations is a strong indication of that), but once you’re out and in your own place, hopefully things will go back to how they were.

    Try to not take it personally -- it's the commitment fear rearing its head, NOT you. He's just not ready.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 08:40 PM.

  10. #9
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    Years ago I was seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons, but one of the things which came up in a session was that my partner, who had been a wonderful, carefree, easy-going soul, turned into a controlling tyrant once we moved in together. Really, became like a totally different person. We had been spending long periods of time at each other's places before that - practically living together anyway, just as you describe - and this was a monumental shock.

    My therapist said that often, when couples officially move in together, either or both of them will start replicating the relationship their parents had. This fitted for my partner, whose father was very dominating and autocratic, used to controlling everyone around him.

    So... think about whether this fits for you. Did/does his father practically ignore his mother in favour of the TV or other interests? Does his father take his mother for granted, and just expect her to be around without making an effort? If so, I suspect you've got your answer as to what's going on!

    Have a think about how you're going to get through the next couple of weeks, and it does sound pretty dire at the moment. Are there any other friends you could catch up with, or anything else you could do to get you out of the house? Alternatively, any creative interests you could carry on with in the background while they're doing their thing?

    I suspect you're right that everything will settle back down again when you get your own place, but at least you've had a little taste of what it might be like if you WERE to move in with him permanently....

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My guess is, it sounds as if you unintentionally invaded their space, as well as disrupting their routines, etc.. I'd bide my time and look at it as rather than living alone with your boyfriend, you're now living with a group of people temporarily.

    If you read between the lines, it's too close for comfort, (imo).
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 08-19-2019 at 08:56 PM. Reason: spelling

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