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Thread: My boyfriend of 5 years lied to me

  1. #1

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    My boyfriend of 5 years lied to me

    Hello,

    Two nights ago my boyfriend of five years confessed to me that he has lied about something from his past.

    We've known each other for close to ten years, we had friends in common in high school but never really talked. It was only a couple of years into college that we started talking and really bonding. At first it was as friends and he helped me get through very dark moments in my life. At that time I told him things I had never told anyone before, traumatic events that had happened to me - and in return he trusted me with a traumatic event of his own past.

    He's just confessed to me that that traumatic event he told me and all our friends is not true. When he met all of us he had just moved places, so he wanted a clean start. He didn't want to talk about his unhappy past, so he invented a story instead. We all believed he had seen one of his friends die in front of his eyes, so none of us ever dared to ask about his life before high school. This friend existed, but is very much alive, they simply parted on bad terms.

    I believe he suffered from depression at some point but never sought help.

    He's confessed his lie to me and our friends also. They all reacted positively, with words of encouragement. They said they understand how one can get caught up in a lie and that they felt sad for him that he didn't feel like he could open up to us and instead felt compelled to lie.

    I, on the other hand, feel very betrayed. The intimate conversations about our traumatic pasts is what started us growing closer. I trusted him with a very real, very damaging event that still hurts me to this day and got a lie in return. We've been together for a long time, with trust and communication as the basis of our relationship, everyone around us envied us that open dialogue and honesty with each other.

    Recently we've had serious talks with each other and our families about getting married next year. It's our upcoming engagement that prompted him to reveal his lie, he said he wanted to come clean before taking that step.

    I'm disappointed and angry, but also scared that this revelation has destroyed something. I love him, he's a good man. He's kind, generous, hard-working and funny. His friends are my friends too, we're a tight knit group since high school. I absolutely adore his parents, and he loves my parents and siblings too. We were perfect together, it was easy and wonderful.

    But now there is this lie and I'm confused. Forgiveness is important to me, yet I feel so betrayed. Does anyone have any advice?

    Thank you for your time,

    Lila.

  2. #2
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    Young, misdirected boys/men can say all types of stupid things, especially when drunk/other.

  3. #3
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    The time frames donít make sense to me. You say you have known him 10 years , dating for 5.

    Then you say ...

    ďWhen he met all of us he had just moved places, so he wanted a clean start. He didn't want to talk about his unhappy past, so he invented a story instead.Ē


    So did he tell his story 10 years ago, 5 years ago or now?

  4. #4
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    It is still relatively new and fresh since he has told you, so it has you shaken up a bit. It's important to let it sit, talk about it for a while before making any decision.

    Are you worried that he may have lied about something else? That your intimacy and closeness was based on something that wasn't true? The key to accepting this and moving on, in whichever manner you decide, is identifying the fears this has brought out in you.

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  6. #5

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    Betrayal and Guilt : Which is it?

    Hey there,

    I totally understand you.

    You open your deepest scars to someone and they put on a mask for you in return.

    That, to a certain extent, is betrayal as you say. And it hurts so much when someone you thought you were really intimate with was never honest from the start.

    However, I would like you to look at things from another perspective.

    First, he confessed. He would have chosen to keep quiet about it all his life and let things run as normal.

    And maybe, just maybe, you would not have found that out at all.

    Now that would have been the greatest betrayal of all time.

    It is actually far worse than having someone admit he lied before taking things to a more serious level.

    If my opinion counts, he decided to admit to his lies because he wanted a clean future with you.

    Which means he is very serious about you.

    Think about it. Why would you want to confess a really deep lie when you are not interested in someone?

    Why choose to show your dirty side to someone when you know they wonít be happy with you and might leave you?

    That is guilt, if you ask me. Guilt that is based on strong feelings of love.

    The other thing, you have said that you are compatible with him in all ways.

    Which means he is pretty much your "THE ONE" if you believe in that. I personally do.

    Also, to find someone you are compatible with on 2 aspects is very hard, talk less of all the aspects you have told us.

    You might not find another person like that anytime soon.

    And then you will wish you stayed with him, long after you left him and things changed for the both of you.

    My advice, keep him. You might leave him for another person you may think is better than him and find out he was much better than the second guy when it is too late.

    Everyone is broken in some way. You have known where he is broken and he has proven he is willing to change. Thatís real potential right there!

    Just take time to soak it all in, and then come out of it but donít lose the guy.

    Hope this helps.

    Cheers.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think we have all different versions of ourselves as life evolves.

    We aren't the same people we were 5 years ago or even a year ago. We grow, we learn, we change.

    What he did was wrong, it was a huge lie. But I also think it's important to take into account the context of the lie. He wasn't lying because he behaved badly or because he had done something criminal or was trying to save face.

    He lied because he was trying to fit in. Trying to find a way to relate. To connect.

    I don't think lying is okay and I am not trying to justify it, but on the other hand, he made a mistake. We are all guilty of that.
    He also has done the right thing and owned up to it. It takes a decent man to do that as he could have easily kept it hidden.

    But he wanted to do the right thing and come clean. That is admirable.

    I, personally think this is forgivable. But it's important as well for you to ask yourself certain questions. Do you trust him? Has he lied since? Do you feel he is going to be an honest man from now on? Can you move past this?

    This truly is for you to work out if you can forgive and move forward with him now, or not.

  8. #7
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    Have you caught him in any other lies? Even, small ones?

    If this is it, I would let it go.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    The time frames donít make sense to me. You say you have known him 10 years , dating for 5.

    Then you say ...

    ďWhen he met all of us he had just moved places, so he wanted a clean start. He didn't want to talk about his unhappy past, so he invented a story instead.Ē


    So did he tell his story 10 years ago, 5 years ago or now?
    He moved across country in the summer right before the start of high school. New school, new friends, he invented a story to avoid talking to them about his life before the move. He only told me in college because we weren't close in high school. So he told his story to our friends 10 years ago and to me about 6 years ago.

    Two days ago he's revealed to all of us that it was in fact a lie.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by Oscardave

    Everyone is broken in some way. You have known where he is broken and he has proven he is willing to change. Thatís real potential right there!

    Just take time to soak it all in, and then come out of it but donít lose the guy.

    Hope this helps.

    Cheers.
    Thank you, what you said is really insightful. You're right, everybody is broken in some way, none of us are perfect...

    I do believe he's the one for me and I don't want to lose what we have together. I really need to think more about it, and about what you said about guilt. Thank you again!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds like he has grown up and matured enough to deal with life better than making up stories to fit in.

    On the one hand, I sympathize with your sense of betrayal. On the other hand, it's not good to base your relationship and your emotional connection to someone on mutual trauma bonding. A lot of young people do this and think it makes you close to share these things. However, as you get older, you start learning and realizing that your partner, spouse, bf/gf, aren't your therapists or confessors and you shouldn't treat them as such. If you want to share and talk about it, you should do it honestly yourself, meaning without expectations and without placing some burden on the other person. Expectations are best left to therapists who can actually help you deal with trauma.

    So he has matured and owned up to some youthful things he has done. His friends get it. Now it's time for you to also mature into a healthier idea of connection. No partner is perfect, no relationship is without conflict. You have to learn how to deal and how to let go of things and move forward.

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