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Thread: Lied to my girlfriend

  1. #1

    Lied to my girlfriend

    I met this girl at work. After a while I noticed some chemistry between us and started flirting. Once I changed my job, we continued flirting and have been dating for a year now.

    There is an age difference. I am 47 and she is 28. When we started flirting, for some reason I told her I was 4 years younger.

    The relationship has been perfect. We moved in together 3 months ago and we’ve been in seventh heaven.

    Today she found out (I don’t even know how) and confronted me about it. I apologized, explained that I wanted to tell her but the longer the relationship continued the more afraid I became. Fearing this day.

    She gave me an hour to move out. I just took some things (leaving the rest hoping, that we can work through this) and asked her to forgive me and that we should talk. She texted back, that she needed to be alone today.

    I know that I lied and that she feels that she can’t trust me. But for the past year, I’ve shown her and tried to show her everyday that she’s is my everything. I’ve treated her with nothing but respect and love for the past year.

    Can she forgive me? Did I really screw this up? Should I give her space?
    How can I show her that she can trust me? That she always can trust me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    People will forgive which means they won't wish you any ill will and move on with their lives, however, it's impossible to expect people to forget. People have memories of being lied to or any bad behavior. People don't have amnesia. We remember everything.

    The problem with lying is that it's very difficult if not impossible to regain trust after being lied to. Lying is extremely deceitful and disrespectful. It's insulting and offensive. People will always suspect that you will lie again in the future, this wasn't the first nor last time you've lied. This is the problem with lost trust. Victims don't want to be victimized again and they'll prevent it from occurring in the future by getting rid of you from their lives.

    Even though you feel remorseful and tried to make amends with her, it won't work. One and done, two if you're lucky, meaning she gave you a chance to be a good person, you messed up big time and she knew she was done. Some people will give you a second chance but it is rare.

    You can't show her that she can trust you because you had your chance and you blew it.

    All you can do is be truthful in the future to whomever she may be.

    Also, you're 47 years old and she was only 28 years old. You're old enough to be her father. Date women in your age bracket. You'll be less apt to lie about your age.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're 20 years older than her! Be sensible. You two don't belong together, you never did.

    She doesn't want someone as old as you and it makes sense, you can't relate with that huge of an age difference.

    She also sees you as a liar now.

    Best thing you can do is pack up, move on, and be reasonable next time. Date women within 5 years of your age.

  4. #4
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    I would never trust you again. You deceived her for over a year! What were you thinking? Did you think she would never find out?

    Lastly, you are too old for her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You lied about your age to manipulate her into a relationship with you. You deliberately left your things so you can try to manipulate her again. Nothing has changed with you and no, I don't buy your remorse. I don't see any other than you are sorry you got caught. The only thing I see here is a guy who will lie and manipulate to get what he wants. If she is smart, she'll stick with her decision to get rid of you. You aren't just dishonest, you are selfish and manipulative.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Not to bang the same drum here, but: twenty year difference? I'm not saying that can't work—humans have proved all sorts of things workable—but it's really hard for that to work when you lie to make a young woman feel comfortable getting involved with an old man.

    It's a bit like presenting yourself as wealthy, taking someone out to nice dinners put on credit cards, and then when they exhale and lean in you let them in on the small matter of your bankruptcy. Her freaking out doesn't make her a materialistic gold-digger, but someone justly thrown by being deceived.

    Would she, at 28, have been totally cool with getting involved with a man of 47? Well, you'll never know. You didn't give her a chance, which is to say, sorry, that you did not show her respect from the very outset. People don't like being disrespected or tricked. If I was her friend I'd tell her to move on and not look back.

    But I'm here on this site as your friend, offering you advice. So, what now? Well, you just do nothing, with the door open. No begging, no performative wounded male nonsense. You do the thing you've struggled to do: you respect her truth and the truth. That truth right now is that she is royally upset, understandably, because you aren't who you said you are. Will she forgive? Probably. Will she forget? No. Will there be more romance in store for you guys together? Who knows? It's really her call, and you've got to respect whatever call she makes.

    Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way. This is one of those moments. Be who you are. You are 47. Do you want to be a 47-year-old man lying to younger women to make them comfortable being emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate with you? I suspect not. So be better. Odds are you're not going to get that shot with her, but maybe what she offers you, in the long run, is a much-needed jolt to step into your true shoes so you can connect with someone on a more authentic level. That someone might not be in her 20s, but once you're a little more comfortable in your own skin, and your own truth, you probably won't be so interested in that dynamic and will be confident enough to hang with a peer and not a pupil.

  8. #7
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    I saw a meme the other day that applies here: "Leave at the first lie".

    Quite frankly, I give her credit for doing so....for leaving the first time she realized you lied. We have so many posters who come here, after so many lies, and when they look back, they realize that had they simply followed the advice of that simple meme, so much of their sanity could have been saved. I speak from personal experience, as I didn't have the strength to leave my last relationship after his first lie, like this girl did.

    Sorry, but you have to learn from this, and no, I don't think there's any saving it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. How did she come across your actual age? It's surprising you kept up the deception this long. She wants to end the relationship because living together is not working out. This is just the final nail in the coffin. All you can do is pack up and get out. Where are you staying now? Parents? Wife? Your own place? Move back there.

    Keeping your stuff there will not get you back together. After a given time she can throw it out, sell it, change the locks, etc. It sounds like she has her suspicions after you moved in and she started doing her homework (as she should have before you moved in).

    There is much more to this than your date of birth. It seems you think because she a lot younger, she is a stupid fool. And now she realizes that.
    Originally Posted by Dante1972
    Today she found out (I don’t even know how) and confronted me about it.
    She gave me an hour to move out. she needed to be alone today.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Dante1972
    She gave me an hour to move out. I just took some things (leaving the rest hoping, that we can work through this) and asked her to forgive me and that we should talk. She texted back, that she needed to be alone today.
    You really need to give her some space. Not going to lie, I'd be pretty upset if this happened to me. 20yrs is a big deal, I mean think about how embarrassing it's going to be when she has to tell her family and friends that you're actually 20yrs older. I'm sure they were concerned when she originally told them you were 44 but now you're actually 47!

    Not much you can do now but wait and give her space. I realize you were probably not wanting to scare her off with your real age when you first met but you definitely should have corrected yourself on the first date.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It might be one thing if you came clean about it. The fact that she discovered it on her own would be unsettling. I couldn't help but wonder what else you were hiding from me.

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