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Thread: Very sad and needing to vent

  1. #1
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    Very sad and needing to vent

    I know there isnít much anybody can tell me, Iím just really hurt and needing to vent. I met a guy online, and had a connection to him like Iíve never experienced. After the first few weeks we got into a big argument about how Iím not into uncommitted sex, but thatís the only way he dates. Says he needs to ease into relationships, but likes to act like a couple until he reaches that point.

    After that argument, I opened up and explained my fears. That nothing good has ever come from sex for me. Iíve never had a positive outcome, and Iíd like to wait until someone is my boyfriend before sleeping with him. Afterwords, things between us went a little too far one night, and he ended up doing a sexual favor on me. I didnít want things to go farther so I left his house. After this we had multiple arguments about sex and commitment. He would angrily blow up at me like, ďWhy do you think Iím going to f*** you and leave you? Iím not going to f*** you and leave you!Ē Heíd ask, ďWho hurt you? And, ďYou feel this way because your exes didnít treat you the way they were supposed toĒ.

    One day he got mad at me about something unrelated, and called me over to talk. During the argument he said he didnít think our situation was right for him because I had too many rules. He said he loved the connection we had and it felt unnatural for me to keep trying to tame it. I told him I wasnít into just hooking up, grabbed my keys and headed for the door. He stopped me talking about how much he cares for me and canít I see the little things he does to let me know Iím special to him. He said he wanted to talk about our relationship status, and that he wanted to date me exclusively. He said we are 100% monogamously dating, but not bf and gf. He deleted all of his dating apps, and I did the same.

    Immediately after he became super affectionate, and we ended up sleeping together. As I was on my way out the door, he introduced me to his roommate as his ďfriendĒ. This really hurt me. The very next day his grandmother died, and I held off mentioning it. The day after, I told him and for a solid 7 days he was absolutely miserable. We spoke everyday, but he sounded like he was crying half the time, and extremely angry others. He was dark and it was a little scary. When he started feeling better he called me and told me he took her death hard, and that he resented me the entire week for bringing up that ďfriendĒ incident the day after his grandma died.

    He said he really liked me and wanted to keep dating me, but didnít want to have sex with me again until we were something more. He said the first reason was because he knew Iíd want to comfort him, and that he didnít want to get lost in intimacy with me and not grieve properly. The second reason was that he was emotionally tapped out, and didnít have the capacity to deal with me getting upset over sex related issues.

    Later that day he invited me over to stay the night, and I was confused because he said no sex. The next day before I was to come over, I called and asked him if we were sticking to not sleeping together because we are in fact friends. He said not sleeping with me would be impossible for him, and then he blew up at me like never before. He completely lost his temper like never before and started screaming at me. He was yelling, ďI feel like youíre trying to get me to break up with you, and Iím not going to do it. If you donít want to be with me, you need to tell me!!Ē He went on saying, ďIím not going to f*** you and leave you! So what if we have sex? Iím a good guy! Weíre dating exclusively, and we are not friends. I am not trying to hurt you! Iím not going to hurt you! Youíre making me out to be this scumbag trying to take advantage of you!Ē

    He went on and on and all I could say was, ďStop, please, just stopĒ. He finally calmed down and said that Iím really protective of myself, and maybe itís because of bad experiences in my past. I told him about how my father has a sex addiction, and when I lived with him, there were nights when heíd loudly have sex with 3 different women in the house with me in a single day. He said he really just missed me and wanted to spend time together, and I came to his house. As soon as I got there he began taking off my clothes and we had sex multiple times that night and I slept over.

    After that, he completely stopped being sexual with me. If I made a sexual comment, heíd shoot it down. He became very sweet, and almost goofy and childish. He would video chat me every day as normal and blow me kisses, and we would still go on dates but I noticed all sexual interest had died. He was affectionate and gentle, heíd tickle and play with me. Hold me and try to make me smile. Heíd ask me a lot about my life, career and parents, and seemed to let his guard completely down. I noticed him getting moody, and he went with his best friendís family on an impromptu vacation. He said he felt like he needed it because he had been in a weird funk.

    When he got back last weekend, he was at a high. Super happy, but didnít ask me to hang out so I made plans with my friends instead. He watched and commented on all my Snapchat stories and Insta pictures, and called me as usual. I noticed he was being really sweet and playful with me. Trying to make me laugh and smile more than ever before. I got the vibe he felt like I was fragile and wanted to take care of me like a little kid or something. All of our conversations were nonsexual, and it started to feel almost like he was taking care of me.

    Finally the other day he called me and told me that he knows heís been weird lately and thanked me for not pressuring him. He said he has not been the same since his grandma died, and thought the vacation would help him out but it didnít. Last month, before she died he was very into dating and going out. Ever since, he has not had the desire and has been forcing himself. He asked me if we could remain exclusive but not date each other while he grieved. He said he knew it was selfish because he had no idea how long he would need, and I didnít have to respond right away, I could take time and think about it. I told him, ďNoĒ because that honestly sounded unreasonable.

    Then he said he didnít want me to block or delete him on social media or cut him out of my life. He said he still wanted to talk to me cause he likes talking to me. He said heís not getting back on the dating apps because he isnít interested in dating me or anyone else at this time, but if I did he understood. He said he still feels a connection with me and asked if I still felt one with him. Said that when heís feeling better in a few months, can we get coffee and see how we feel about each other? I said, ďYesĒ and asked him if he wanted to be friends. He said no because he has very strong sexual feelings for me and canít be my friend. I agreed not to block him but was very confused by his request. I ended the conversation and tried to process everything.

    Later that night, I decided that I needed to block and delete him to help myself heal. I sent him a very nice text saying ďIím sorry to do this, but I must block you on everything including your number. No hard feelings. God bless you and your family.Ē

    Iím very hurt, and I hope I made the right decision by blocking him. I feel like Iíve done everything wrong and Iím so upset right now. My life coaches/therapists held my hand through this entire relationship, and they encouraged me to keep seeing him, even when I wasnít sure I should. I told them everything and they said to stick it out and that he was of high value and good for me. Iím feeling like Iíll never have a boyfriend again. I havenít had a boyfriend since 2014/15. Guys either leave me because I wonít have sex, or because I do have sex. Sex or no sex ends all of my relationships and now I donít know how to proceed. People have
    sex all the time while dating and are able to build meaningful connections. Some people have sex on the first date, others the third, others not until
    marriage. Why is sex my blocker?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't know why anyone would tell you to keep staying in a relationship that was making you uncomfortable. That's terrible advice. Sorry. It also inadvertently made another person miserable - this guy. Both of you just don't have enough boundaries and keep giving in to sex when you've had previous conversations not to (that means you both have participated in dishonouring your agreements and boundaries). Both of you are unhealthy for each other. It's not all on you.

    Keep working with yourself and work through your fears regarding sex and being intimate. Some of your anxieties are very left field and severe. You started off fine having some idea of what was good for you but then you kept giving into sex and the more you did the more you felt lower and lower about yourself (your self-esteem dropped lower). For a lot of people this (referring to sex/intimacy) might not have been such a big deal but it means a lot for you to to be intimate with someone and this person you were dating didn't share your views about labels and what a secure relationship means. There's every type of person under the rainbow on this earth and everyone has different ideas about labels and what security means in a relationship or what a person needs in order to feel happy and able to flourish in a relationship. For you, you might have been looking for a bf/gf label. Being called a friend when he's seeing you isn't cool for you. You're entitled to that. Don't stoop lower than what you need in a relationship. This person was obviously attracted to you also and wanted a physical relationship but without those healthy boundaries and respect, he really didn't know how to handle you or himself either. It's just a bad mix.

    I think you did the right thing ending this relationship and focusing on yourself. Like I said, keep working on you and understanding what your triggers are, what doesn't feel good for you and what your minimums are in order to feel good and secure in a healthy relationship. Listen to your gut instincts about what feels right and what doesn't feel right and for goodness sakes, do not allow someone else to make you feel even worse about yourself for ending a relationship that's not good for you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the hurt and confusion.

    Is this the same guy you met in early June, with the breakup aphorisms on his wall? The one reeling about his past before he was reeling about his grandmother? So what you're describing here is a two month relationship? Just trying to get a feel for it, to be able to advise with precision.

    I don't think the issue here, really, is about sex so much as ideas about sex, about men, and so on, that are making it hard to just be you and date at pace that works for you. What do I mean by that? Well, this whole thing sounds like it got super complicated super quickly, like from date one, almost like each of you was using the other to work through issues than to to connect. That can often feel like "a connection unlike any other" because it's "intense" and "open," but swirling underneath all that is a lot of nerves and unprocessed past stuff being processed, together, in the name of vulnerability. Doesn't often work.

    You both, being frank, sound wound pretty tight in different waysówith pretty severe views on all this and yet pretty porous boundaries when it comes to actually doing it. Tough combo, that, for everyone involved. If you want to wait for a label before you're sexually intimateóall good, find that guy. If he wants someone who wants to move slowly, while also being intimate, on the road to the labelóall good, he should find that person. You guys, very quickly, started bending and got all sorts of knotted up.

    Not your fault, not his, at least how it looks from over here. Just a failed chemistry experiment.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Hold up....after two weeks of dating he said that??? and your life coach and therapist said to keep at it? They were both wrong.

    BTW guys are leaving you for other reasons. Most reasons is because they are just d-bags and do it to other women too, it's not really about you. You know all that crap about ghosting, etc? It happened to everyone! This guy you are talking about, is purposely messing you up to break you down so you will do anything for him no matter. He definitely was playing on your emotions, and this so called connection you felt you had. He played you. It was all manipulation to guilt you, to confuse you...this is how he was breaking you down. It's about control...it's abusive behavior. it's sickening because it has you very hurt and confused, your self esteem is in question.

    Hats off to YOU for blocking this nincompoop. He's trash. My advice is to get rid of this life coach (they are a moron IMO) and therapists...for them to say to stick with this relationship is so unprofessional that they couldn't see how damaging that is to one's self esteem and self worth...shame on them!! IMO I think you have learned enough from this experience that you can go forth, and know who gets the boot without even trying. You don't need to put up with any man's crap. IMO a man has to PROVE his worth, through how he treats you, and RESPECTS you. Remember actions speak louder than words. If it doesn't feel right, it's not...get rid of them.

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    He told me that after years of depression following the end of a 5 year relationship, his views about sex had changed. He said he previously felt that sex was sacred and should only be shared between two people who love each other. He went to therapy and the therapists got him into the habit of going with the flow of life. Doing whatever feels good sexually and forgetting about outcomes. I told him that sex scared me because I wasnít sure I could handle the emotional repercussions, and he agreed he had run into a situation where he really hurt someone who started to believe their relationship was more than what it was after sex. I told him I was prone to those feelings, and I felt like Iíd become more attached than appropriate, so he agreed not to sleep with me on multiple occasions.

    I wonder if Iíd have gone ahead and slept with him with reckless abandon, no rules or standards, if things would have worked out. Sex was the only real issue in our relationship, but after the day I stayed over, I felt more comfortable and we stopped arguing about it. I finally felt like I was in a good place with him sexually, and was okay and trusted him. I just donít understand why things changed for him after that night. I let go of all my inhibitions, we had sex multiple times, there were no issues.

    I just donít understand what I keep doing wrong. Heís the first man Iíve dated who was equal to me. All others were people I was not attracted to, or were just clearly inappropriate matches for me. He was everything I was looking for. I was proud to be out with him, had fun when we were together, and he made me feel safe aside from the sex stuff. I feel like my brokenness ruined my chance with a great man. Iíve never had a man so equally yoked be seriously interested in me. I think thatís why my life coaches wanted me to stick it out with him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I am not experienced attending therapy but I'm starting to feel like the relationship was a little too crowded.

    It's over. And I mean the relationship is over. Both of you did not work out and for a number of reasons. Don't stay stuck or hung up over one person or place too much importance over a person who didn't make you happy. It doesn't sound like sex was the only issue. You didn't like the way he called you a friend, you became more anxious when he rejected the idea of bf/gf, he flip flopped and went from being an adult "forgetting about outcomes" to a childlike moody state and swung from highly sexualized to nonsexualized in his responses to you and then asked to remain exclusive with you while not dating you (whatever that means). This is apparently in order to grieve his grandmother but I'm calling his bluff on this one. This person is NOT in any place to date anyone.

    This is not just about sex. He's not ready to date and you just keep being you and work on you.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for the hurt and confusion.

    Is this the same guy you met in early June, with the breakup aphorisms on his wall? The one reeling about his past before he was reeling about his grandmother? So what you're describing here is a two month relationship? Just trying to get a feel for it, to be able to advise with precision.

    I don't think the issue here, really, is about sex so much as ideas about sex, about men, and so on, that are making it hard to just be you and date at pace that works for you. What do I mean by that? Well, this whole thing sounds like it got super complicated super quickly, like from date one, almost like each of you was using the other to work through issues than to to connect. That can often feel like "a connection unlike any other" because it's "intense" and "open," but swirling underneath all that is a lot of nerves and unprocessed past stuff being processed, together, in the name of vulnerability. Doesn't often work.

    You both, being frank, sound wound pretty tight in different waysówith pretty severe views on all this and yet pretty porous boundaries when it comes to actually doing it. Tough combo, that, for everyone involved. If you want to wait for a label before you're sexually intimateóall good, find that guy. If he wants someone who wants to move slowly, while also being intimate, on the road to the labelóall good, he should find that person. You guys, very quickly, started bending and got all sorts of knotted up.

    Not your fault, not his, at least how it looks from over here. Just a failed chemistry experiment.
    Yes, this is the same guy from early June. I feel like we would have been amazing for each other if Iíd have just slept with him casually. I keep wondering if I went back and had a do-over and just did everything he wanted, what would have happened. I was fine in the beginning, he was the one who was pressed to make our relationship more serious. He was the one who started the exclusive talk and drove us to define our relationship. He was so moody and up and down and upset because he hadnít considered dating anyone seriously, he was such an emotional mess. He would at times try and force himself to be neutral and show little emotion with me, then apologize and explain himself. It isnít normal for someone to not be able to find a relationship for 5 years. Iím above average in attractiveness, and Iíve got a great career and life. I feel like my fear of uncommitted sex is causing me to miss out. He even told me that the dating game has changed with our generation. Dating is now much different than being committed and almost always involves sex. I personally get really attached and vulnerable after sex, and when people leave me after sleeping with me (which every man has writhing weeks), it crushes me. The entire time I was trying to avoid feeling the way I do now. I have no appetite, nightmares, and no interest in my daily workouts or plans with friends. Having sex and then having the person leave me puts me at such a low. It had been years since I had sex and this was all for nothing.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It just sounds like a classic case of two people who aren't quite ready to date bonding over the fact that they're not quite ready to date. I mean, you guys have only known each other two months? And in that timeóand, by the sounds of it, right off the gatesóyou're spending an enormous amount of time talking about how damaged you both are. Sex this, therapy that. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Your pain dancing with his pain. I get how that feels intimate and vulnerable quick, but there are shortcomings to intimacy and vulnerability when your connection point is sharing all your issues around intimacy and vulnerability.

    No, this would not have worked if you'd just slept with him with abandon early. Because that's not who you are, what you want. Doesn't mean you need to make a whole show about that to someone with a different mindset, and doesn't mean you need to bend to accommodate. Just like he doesn't need to make a whole show about his past relationship, what he learned from therapy. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but what you're calling a relationship sounds more like two people testing out relationship theorems on each other to see if you guys could be in an actual relationship and calling that frantic back and forth a relationship since you both really, really, really want to be people in relationships.

    Problem is, neither of you are surefooted enough to really know who you are and what you want out of romance. You've each got a zillion bees buzzing in your ears: therapists, life coaches, every person who has ever hurt you before meeting this person. That is a crowded room. Hard to connect in a crowded roomóhard to see and be seen.

    This thread, combined with your last threads, paints a convincing portrait of him as a total mess who is not ready to date. The kind of guy you walk away from after three hangs, especially if you don't want to get naked under ambiguous circumstances. You doubled, tripled, quadrupled down instead of looking for someone more on your levelówhich, I think, speaks to where you're maybe a little all over the place when it comes to dating.

    Before meeting him you wanted to go on 100 dates. He fits where in that number? Three, four? Point being, there are others out there where it doesn't need to feel like warówith the world, with yourself, with your past, with the past of another. I'd try to take this moment to just remember that, and to maybe work on your own standing in your own skin a bit so when you meet people who want you to be someone you're not it doesn't throw you around quite so much. If you didn't self-identity as so broken odds are you wouldn't be quite as attracted to someone who basically wore his brokenness the way other men wear suits.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I am not experienced attending therapy but I'm starting to feel like the relationship was a little too crowded.

    It's over. And I mean the relationship is over. Both of you did not work out and for a number of reasons. Don't stay stuck or hung up over one person or place too much importance over a person who didn't make you happy. It doesn't sound like sex was the only issue. You didn't like the way he called you a friend, you became more anxious when he rejected the idea of bf/gf, he flip flopped and went from being an adult "forgetting about outcomes" to a childlike moody state and swung from highly sexualized to nonsexualized in his responses to you and then asked to remain exclusive with you while not dating you (whatever that means). This is apparently in order to grieve his grandmother but I'm calling his bluff on this one. This person is NOT in any place to date anyone.

    This is not just about sex. He's not ready to date and you just keep being you and work on you.
    Thank you for making me feel better about blocking him. Iíve been comforted by it, but also regretting it. I wonder if, after a few months he really will be in a better place and things can work out. I also feel that nothing healthy could come from dating him again, and heíd just have sex with me and decide Iím not what heís looking for again. I was confused as to why he insisted we keep in contact and still talk, but not be together. Why he wanted to follow me on social media (although I live a fun filled life of crazy parties and traveling heíd live vicariously through). I just didnít understand what he wanted from me. Liking talking to me but not wanting to be with me but not wanting to see me out of fear weíd have sex. He said I made him question and reevaluate his views on sex and what works for him like nobody ever has, and maybe thatís why he was so inconsistent. I was so drawn to him, I wanted him more than anybody and loved being in his arms. I want to find someone who can help me better with my sex and failed relationship issues but itís been impossible. Iíve been to multiple therapists, if had life coaches abandon me because they couldnít help me, and I donít even know where to look. I need help thatís going to give me results and I honestly canít find it.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It just sounds like a classic case of two people who aren't quite ready to date bonding over the fact that they're not quite ready to date. I mean, you guys have only known each other two months? And in that timeóand, by the sounds of it, right off the gatesóyou're spending an enormous amount of time talking about how damaged you both are. Sex this, therapy that. Pain, pain, pain, pain. Your pain dancing with his pain. I get how that feels intimate and vulnerable quick, but there are shortcomings to intimacy and vulnerability when your connection point is sharing all your issues around intimacy and vulnerability.

    Problem is, neither of you are surefooted enough to really know who you are and what you want out of romance. You've each got a zillion bees buzzing in your ears: therapists, life coaches, every person who has ever hurt you before meeting this person. That is a crowded room. Hard to connect in a crowded roomóhard to see and be seen.

    This thread, combined with your last threads, paints a convincing portrait of him as a total mess who is not ready to date. The kind of guy you walk away from after three hangs, especially if you don't want to get naked under ambiguous circumstances. You doubled, tripled, quadrupled down instead of looking for someone more on your levelówhich, I think, speaks to where you're maybe a little all over the place when it comes to dating.

    Before meeting him you wanted to go on 100 dates. He fits where in that number? Three, four? Point being, there are others out there where it doesn't need to feel like warówith the world, with yourself, with your past, with the past of another. I'd try to take this moment to just remember that, and to maybe work on your own standing in your own skin a bit so when you meet people who want you to be someone you're not it doesn't throw you around quite so much. If you didn't self-identity as so broken odds are you wouldn't be quite as attracted to someone who basically wore his brokenness the way other men wear suits.
    This kind of hurts my feelings, but I canít argue with anything youíve said. I didnít think I self-identified as broken, but if Iím not, I should be able to see this guy as broken, and I somehow donít. This guy is terribly handsome and strong, presents himself well, yet has a list of failed short term relationships that is just as long as mine. I wonder what a woman in a healthier place than I would assess him as. Probably what you said, a guy who wouldnít make it past date 3. It makes me sad that Iím struggling to see that. Heís probably a mirror image of me. I was 27 dates in when I met him. Iím going to resume in a few weeks when Iím feeling better. I really hope he doesnít find a way to contact me while Iím feeling this low.

    Thanks for your honesty.

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