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Thread: We're Back Together and Working Things Out

  1. #1
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    We're Back Together and Working Things Out

    I just wanted to come back to this forum to update my story, since this community has helped me so much throughout my grieving process. As the title says - I'm back with my ex and we decided to work things out, albeit, slowly. We are exclusive with each other, but we are taking things slowly. I don't know where this will lead to, but I do know that we both are committed to have a 2.0 version of our relationship. Our old one didn't work out, so this is definitely going to have to be a different type of relationship.

    Here's how it went down.

    So, I sent my ex this long email letting him know exactly what I felt...everything that I felt. I told him that I did want to get back together and was willing to control my tendency to be confrontational because I truly loved him and couldn't stop until he told me to do so. I bared everything - no holds barred. I also told him though that if he was happy with the way things were (staying broken up), then I would respect his decision, but at least I knew that I tried and didn't hold anything back.

    His response was that even though he missed certain parts of our relationship, that he enjoyed doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and that he wasn't in the mindset to be tied down to anything. He still wanted to be friends and keep the communication lines open because of our history together.

    Disappointed, I accepted his decision, and took it as the final signal for me to move on. To me, although this hurt so badly, I saw it as a gift. Getting that answer from him was what I needed to move on, and I told him that. Since I'm in my mid-30s, and want to eventually get married and have children, I decided to get on the path of moving on to achieve my goal.

    The next couple of weeks got hard. I would always miss the times when we lived together, and every weekend, I would just go on a depression spiral, to the point of being suicidal. I immediately sought out counseling so that I could talk about my grief with someone. It was really helpful, and the sessions gave me the tools I needed to ease the emotional pain.

    I also started going on dates with other men. I wasn't ready, emotionally, and I was open about this to the guys I dated. I also slept with a few men. I know this might sound controversial, but I did that so that I could feel desirable and wanted again. I went on dating apps, received a lot of matches and messages...it helped boost my confidence and self-esteem. Helped take away that though of, "Who's going to want a mid-30s woman now?"

    I also worked out a lot and started eating healthy again. The last thing I wanted was to be single and let myself go. Sure, I ate a pint of ice cream here and there, but for the most part, I tried to eat healthy. I also started dressing up nicely. I did all these things to make myself feel good about myself....doing things to be kind to myself. I figure, if I don't love myself, how do I expect anyone to love me.

    All this time, my ex was texting me and keeping in contact with me. I NEVER initiated first. I NEVER begged him to get back together. Even though I was dying inside, I never gave him the opportunity to see my hurt. In fact, every time he contacted me, it would diminish my feelings for him because I kept thinking...breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs...I deserved more than breadcrumbs. He would send me videos of songs he was into lately, he would tell me about his co-workers, his friends whom I've met. It got to the point where I was close to telling him to cut off ties because he was just sharing too much of his life and I didn't care to know about them. We also met up for dinner one time, where he talked about his future plans, and I talked about mine, my job interviews and where I might possibly be after grad school.

    Then one day, he asked if we could meet up again in person. He said that he had been thinking about our relationship lately and that he was confused as to why we broke up in the first place. We argued a lot, but all he could think of was our good times. He said he missed the affection we had, and I told him I could never be FWBs with him, and that I was not that type of person. Of course, I was thinking that maybe he hadn't been successful in the dating scene, so I was not going to fall right back into this situation unless he really showed it through his actions.

    So we met in person 2 weeks ago, had dinner, had a great time. He told me he missed me so much, and that he wanted me back and wanted to work things out. I asked him why. He said that he secretly didn't want me to be happy with another guy, because he could make me happy, and we were happy for the most part of our relationship. I kept asking him what he wanted from me, and he said "You. I want you, and nobody else. I want you to be mine again. I want us to be happy together again, only better." I told him I wouldn't be a FWB, and he said, "This wouldn't be like that." I asked him what we would be then, and he said, "We would be in the working out phase. But we wouldn't be dating anyone else. I just want you."

    So here we are. I'm not in a rush about this, but so far, he's talking the talk and walking the walk. He sends me text messages every day. He bought me some stuff for my new apartment. He told me call him or text him when I'm feeling nervous about the job interviews I had lined up. Or if I just want to talk.

    Yesterday, we talked about the future. He asked me if I was happy that we were working things out, and I said yes. He said he was happy, too. We both agreed that the old relationship didn't work out, and therefore this new version should be better...it already is. I feel like things are different this time, and while I don't know where we are headed, I do know that we are at least on the same page this time.

    Time will tell....

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Good luck, I hope the two of you work hard on your communication and conflict resolution skills. It sounds like you can really make a long term, happy union out of this if you learn how to talk to one another before resentment festers.

    I wish you many happy anniversaries together.

  3. #3
    Silver Member valavoo's Avatar
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    *claps*

    Awwww! This was a super sweet and realistic story. I really really hope that yours continues working out. You sound like you had a really healthy thought process! It was also really nice of you to come back and share your story. So many people don't.

  4. #4
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    Great story. Hope it becomes better than before. How long did it take him to come around by the way? And were u still social media friends?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen

    Good luck, I hope the two of you work hard on your communication and conflict resolution skills. It sounds like you can really make a long term, happy union out of this if you learn how to talk to one another before resentment festers.

    I wish you many happy anniversaries together.
    Thank you so much! Yes, communication is key!

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by valavoo
    *claps*

    Awwww! This was a super sweet and realistic story. I really really hope that yours continues working out. You sound like you had a really healthy thought process! It was also really nice of you to come back and share your story. So many people don't.
    Thank you! I hope this is the last "phase" that I come here. It's been a long journey. I wish nothing but the best for everyone!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by depeche101
    Great story. Hope it becomes better than before. How long did it take him to come around by the way? And were u still social media friends?
    Thank you!

    We broke up mid May, NC for 1.5 months, talked for 1 month, got into an "argument" and NC for 1.5 weeks, then have been in communication for 1.5 months. I deleted him as a friend on FB and Snapchat in May. We're not social media friends because that causes a lot of drama. So far, so good!

  9. #8
    Silver Member valavoo's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MyLifeMyChoice
    Thank you! I hope this is the last "phase" that I come here. It's been a long journey. I wish nothing but the best for everyone!
    May I ask some of those annoying questions most people ask when someone posts a story like yours?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by valavoo
    May I ask some of those annoying questions most people ask when someone posts a story like yours?
    Not sure what those annoying questions are, but yes! I'm curious to hear. I'm still navigating things with this "getting back together" phase, so it's not like it's happily ever after...unless we actually get married.

  11. #10
    Silver Member valavoo's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MyLifeMyChoice
    Not sure what those annoying questions are, but yes! I'm curious to hear. I'm still navigating things with this "getting back together" phase, so it's not like it's happily ever after...unless we actually get married.
    Totally understand. Itís a process! I want to know a couple things, if thatís okay.

    1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?
    2. What do you think changed his mind?
    3. Whatís the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?
    4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?

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