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Thread: Dtr

  1. #1
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    Dtr

    I met a guy about 8 or 9 months ago on Tinder and we hooked up the same night. He was so chatty and barely let me talk the first night that I didn't even know if he was interested. I thought it would just be a hookup and nothing more. I didn't expect to hear from him again but the next morning he texted me all day and I found him to be really funny. The second date, I invited him over for brunch and we ate, went to the gym and had a lot of fun. Probably premature but I stopped seeing anyone else. The third date he had planned, he cancelled saying something had come up and he couldn't make it. I'm not sure what happened but I may have assumed he blew me off for another date. The fourth date, we came back to his place and I saw another girl's earrings on his desk that I hadn't seen the first time I'd been over. I wasn't sure if the earrings were just picked up while he was cleaning or if it was from a girl after a recent date. I felt like that was so rude but didn't make a big deal about it since we hadn't talked about exclusivity.

    Now we're 8-9 months into dating, I've grown to like him a lot. He's funny, incredibly smart and constantly learning, which I admire. He's really sweet to be around usually and likes to tell a lot of stories that he thinks will make me laugh starting from high school through grad school. He massages my feet and back and will sometimes text randomly about things we've seen/done together (movies, inside jokes).

    But there is no clarity and things are as confusing to me as when I first met him. I'm not sure if he's misunderstood or if I'm ignoring what he's clearly trying to tell me: that he's just not that into me.

    I wonder if I should brush this off as socially inept or if this is an indication he doesn't care about me but he is frequently talking about other girls. The first date he told me there was a coworker who wanted to hook up with him even though she was soon to be married. He continued to update me on her wedding plans for some reason and seemed to have no idea this would be weird for me. He would casually tell me like I was one of his friends. The next date he told me about all his ex gf's and then a week or so later, he texted me that there was a girl at his gym who was really working on her butt. (He is still to this day updating me on her workout progress.) Then he told me of a girl he met abroad who is featuring in a video (which he proceeded to show me on his phone) and another girl he met abroad who has a boyfriend who he says is way too old for her. He tells me about girls who are hitting on him and once sent me an article of a girl who he had once dated in high school (he thought it was interesting that she showed up on his feed). He has told me several times that he had no social skills going into school and that he is awkward. Which I believe. But I have no idea if he is really that oblivious in telling me these stories. It's hard to believe and sometimes I wonder if this is his attempt to make me jealous or just doesn't care what I feel. One day we were talking about how to flirt and he asked if I remembered how he did it with me. I reminded him of how he told me about a girl who wanted to hook up with him and he responded with "wasn't that a great story?"

    What bothers me most is that I noticed he only asks to hang out every two or three weeks so sometimes we will only meet once a month. I know he is a homebody and he's said that he prefers to be home reading so if he doesn't have to go out, he won't. And to be fair, he has been the one to initiate all our texts (about 3-4 days a week) and all our dates every time. But even the busiest person can make time once a week. Four months after dating, I mentioned to him that we don't hang out much and it makes it hard for me to open up to him. His response was basically that he was busy and had lots of goals in life. And that I am welcome to try and schedule something. I told him I have a hard time initiating because I don't feel that I matter to him much. The conversation got a bit tense and we brushed it under the rug. We continued with our once/twice a month dates and a few months later I asked him if we were friends and he said he thinks I am in a category of my own. I asked if he liked me and he responded with "if I don't like you, why would I hang out with you?" He said that he's an introvert and likes to have time to work on his goals, which I should know by now.

    Our planning is always insanely difficult too. He texts that we should hang out and I ask him if he wants to do the weekend. About 50% of the time he tells me he is out of town but he doesn't offer this information until I ask. Then he responds he is free Tuesday and Thursday. So we plan to watch a movie on Tuesday but it's at a completely inconvenient time like 9pm. At a theater that's a 10 minute walk from him and 20 minute drive from me. So we watch the movie which ends around 11pm. Several times after a movie/dinner, he'd ask if I wanted to come over but follow up that he may need to do laundry or study so if I don't want to that's fine. So I wasn't sure if he wanted me there or not. And when I would go over to hang out, he would then tell me not long after that he has laundry to do and needs to kick me out. And as I'm leaving his apartment, he always just says bye as he's lying on the couch. I don't expect him to drive me home but he could at least walk me to the door.

    It's been 8 months and he will still text his friends and family about a "girl he's dating" which I know because he shows me these texts. I'm fine with being his date but it also makes me think I'm one of many.

    I enjoy our time together but I'm getting exhausted. I stopped trying to make anything of the relationship and went back to Tinder last month. I noticed after a bit of swiping that his profile showed up and he had updated his photos and bio from when we last matched. I'm not sure when he was last on but I know he hasn't deleted his app since I've seen the Tinder notification go off on his phone before.

    This past weekend we met for the first time in three weeks and planned a day trip. We had so much fun, ate dinner, got dessert and then went out for drinks. I got way too drunk that night and ended up crying (for no reason other than that I was drunk) for an hour and a half. He was concerned, asked what was wrong and held me the entire time. Moments like these make me feel that he does care about me. I'm just confused and looking for advice on what you'd do if you were in my shoes.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like you are fwb, not dating.

  3. #3
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    Yeah, even writing this I thought the same. I keep feeling confused because he emphasizes that he has no social awareness so I wonder if he doesn't know differently. He mentioned once in passing that I'm the only one he's dating but I don't know if I believe that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Consider him an acquaintance. Even friends are more considerate than this guy. I wouldn't invest anymore time, energy nor resources into this guy. He's too unreliable and selfish. He doesn't care how you feel or what your schedule is. Stop trying to accommodate him so much. Don't take him seriously because he certainly does not take you seriously. He doesn't treat you as if you matter.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Why are you still holding out for him. He is showing for certain that you are not a priority for him, that he doesn't want to see you very often and only on in between times. He talks to other women and is not shy to tell you.

    So, I don't get it, what's so amazing about him that keeps you coming back for more? He is certainly only applying just the right amount of contact to keep you hankering for him. Why do you think this is going to change?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You could very well be the only woman he is seeing. It's convenient, it doesn't require much effort, you don't require much time. He has all this time to himself and he gets his fix at his convenience and on his terms. Seems like a pretty good deal, for him. And. . you've basically agreed to it.

    But the fact remains this doesn't feel good to you. In those few hours you get maybe. But the time in between has left you hanging, longing and uncertain.

    Unless you want more of the same, then continue. If this isn't meeting your needs and it doesn't look promising, I say it's time to blow this out of water.

    Ask him what he's looking for and if it doesn't match your needs, tell him it's been nice, but it's time you close the door on something that no longer works for you.

    **If I want to keep a man at arms length and don't want to come right and say that `I'm just not that into you' I start chatting about other guys and ask for dating advise. If he's perceptive, he picks up on the clue that I have placed him firmly in the friend zone.

  8. #7
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    He's not an FWB because you were never good friends first -you met him and had sex right away. I think in this case you set the tone from the word go that you were ok with casual sex and he enjoys playing at being a couple when it suits him about once a month or so. Of course there is clarity -you are just ignoring the clarity. He is comfortable telling you about other women and he doesn't care if when he is not with you he risks that you will meet someone else you like better. There's no guarantees I get it but when a man wants a woman to be his he wants her to know that ASAP in part so that he lessens the risk that his special lady will be snapped up by someone else. You're special to him when he sees you. When you are not with him you're just this girl he happens to be dating and he doesn't want you to be a real part of his life or to put in any effort to involve you more in his life, his plans, his goals. You're fun to be with when it's convenient to him and while there's nothing wrong with having sex with a near stranger the first time you meet him -that can be fun and pleasurable - it's hard to go from there to an exclusive relationship. I sure do know of marriages that started out that way but it's rare. And even rarer from an app like Tinder. You had a lot of fun with him, you chose to make that kind of fun a priority over perhaps not laying all your cards on the table all at once, you chose to be very available to him and you're still doing that - tolerating him being unreliable, cancelling, making the plans about what's convenient for him. We teach people how to treat us.

    It is clear. He is clearly not that into you. If he were he'd make it clear as day that he wanted to be with you and only you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the others. Perhaps it's easier however to look at what it is not rather than to try and classify or label what it is. It could be anything but in my eyes, it falls outside an intimate and exclusive relationship where two people have a kinship and togetherness and a strong understanding of each other. I think it would be a good idea to have a good pep talk with yourself and ask yourself what you're really looking for in terms of companionship or a relationship. Be honest with yourself and go from there. Life is too short to live in discord.

  10. #9
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    OP, guy said he has no social skills and it very much sounds like that's true.

    In fact, and I hate to diagnose people on a message board, but it also very much sounds like a form of autism, perhaps Asperger's.

    Reason I say this is my ex bf had a guy friend who was the absolute sweetest guy in the world, would give you the shirt off his back, but when it came to women he was dating, he was so inept, he would tell me how some woman was "mad" at him for something and he clearly had no clue why.

    Like NO clue whatsoever even after she explained why; he was totally confused.

    The stories he would tell were very similar to what you're sharing with us here, so jmo but instead of deeming him some sort of uncaring cad who considers you nothing more than an FWB, I think you should consider this possibility and cut the guy some slack.

    At least he is aware of his social ineptness, the next step is for him to see a doctor and get diagnosed and get treated.

    My ex's friend finally did and he was mid-40s!

    JMO of course.

    Edit: In any event, if you're unhappy or uncomfortable about the way he's treating you, then stop seeing him.

    It's really that simple.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-20-2019 at 07:14 PM.


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