Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: The Friend With Benefits

  1. #1

    The Friend With Benefits

    Hi all,

    So my girlfriend & I have been dating for around a year & a half now. We get on like a house on fire & we both love each other to pieces.

    Thereís been one issue that keeps popping up.... Her ex FWB.

    So her & this guy had a very on again off again type thing. The first time I met her she was actually all over him. We met a few more times & started to really hit it off. After a while we started dating. When we first hooked up her sister warned me not to bring him up (I know him quite well).

    Her contact with him never really stopped.

    I was worried about her one night because something was clearly up & read her journal (she knows about this & has forgiven me I told her straight after doing it). Reading this to me it seemed like her confessing her love for him but she assured me that it was just her writing about her past to deal with it.

    Thereís been multiple things that have weirded me out & made me feel uncomfortable in our relationship. These have been consistently brought up.

    So these things are stuff like:

    Sheís been the person he snapchats the most nearly our entire relationship.

    He contacts her consistently when drunk.

    He called her at 2 in the morning while I was with her & she didnít want to answer it because I was there.

    She wants to hang out with him in group settings without me around. Sheís only got one group of friends so doesnít get to have a social life outside of me otherwise.

    He sends his songs to her before anyone else

    They sometimes spend hours talking & she will say all they did was bag each other out.

    We recently were going to split up (didnít happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth & she told him, since this point heís been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasnít told him because sheís worried he will not talk to her as much. He is aware that it makes me feel awkward the amount they talk.



    Now I know full well that she loves me & they wouldnít do anything but I donít know what to do. She has offered to cut him out of her life but this means cutting off the only group of friends she has.

    We both love each other so much & want to be together. I just donít know what to do to make myself comfortable with their friendship.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,165
    Ask her to scale back her contact with her FWB drastically. Both of you should try to reach a reasonable compromise. I wouldn't ask her to cut off her only group of friends she has or cut him out completely yet she needs to be considerate of you and become less selfish. She needs to be more loyal and devoted to you as your girlfriend.

    Tell her that she needs to tell the FWB that she needs SPACE. SPACE = BOUNDARIES.

    She doesn't have to cut him out of her life completely. However, she can exercise discretion by decreasing her contact with her FWB drastically out of respect for you and out of respect for your relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,861
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately this won't work out. You seem too controlling and jealous and she is clearly still in love with him.

  4. #4
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    324
    Your girlfriend needs to assert herself. You know what, I've got a couple of really close male friends that I've known for eons. Almost family like. But they are not boyfriends. So, I don't treat them as such. And since I'm not their girlfriend they don't treat me like that either. There are boundaries.

    What also concerns me is
    We recently were going to split up (didnít happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth
    .
    What does "live her youth" mean to her?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,861
    Gender
    Male
    It sounds like she is ready able and willing to dump you in a heartbeat when this guy snaps his fingers or comes around. It's not about him. She has always had one foot out the door hoping for this guy.

    Notice that you and your relationship remain a secret while she "talks" to him. This is a lot more than a friend or a fwb. She will deny it up and down and tell you she doesn't talk to him etc. But that is not going to change her feeling for him. She will just hide and lie better about it.
    Originally Posted by DeanoShark
    We recently were going to split up (didnít happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth

    heís been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasnít told him because sheís worried he will not talk to her as much.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,270
    Gender
    Female
    Boundaries.
    I have someone in my past, similar to him. But I make sure he understands exactly where the line is drawn. He crosses it and it risks affecting my relationship, then I'd reconsider my friendship with him.

    This ex drinks a little too much for my liking. One of the reasons we will never to be together and he had a habit in the past of calling in the middle of the night. Seriously, if my boyfriend had some ex calling at 2am. . .let's just say I wouldn't be very happy!

    Along with limits for the ex, she needs to have some healthy limits for herself. That's if she respects the relationship she has with you and wants to keep it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,861
    Gender
    Male
    You can't tell people who they can see, communicate with be friends with etc without looking like a jealous control freak. So don't go there. Just pull way back so that she can start to notice what life without her security blanket is like. Do not become the possessive bf and push her straight into his arms.

    She's on the fence. You should observe this not try to control it. You can not win her love and respect with commands and dictates. You also can not change her having the hots for this guy and wishing she were with him. You can however walk away, find a decent girl and grant her her wish.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You can't tell people who they can see, communicate with be friends with etc without looking like a jealous control freak. So don't go there. Just pull way back so that she can start to notice what life without her security blanket is like. Do not become the possessive bf and push her straight into his arms.

    She's on the fence. You should observe this not try to control it. You can not win her love and respect with commands and dictates. You also can not change her having the hots for this guy and wishing she were with him.

    You can however walk away, find a decent girl and grant her her wish.
    Spot on Wise. In fact, was just gonna post it, but you beat me to it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    To add, here's the thing about "asking" your partner to stop doing something they have been doing and clearly want to do.

    Or even just asking them to dial the behaviour back.

    Things like communicating with or spending time with an ex bf/gf or ex FWB or anyone or anything else that makes you uncomfortable.

    If they comply, it's not coming from their heart, from within themselves -- it's coming from you asking them to stop, or demanding they stop in order to alleviate your discomfort or anxiety about it. Which frankly I don't think is either fair or right.

    We could all scream she needs to assert herself with her ex, or she needs stronger boundaries, but at the end of the day, it's her decision to make.

    I've been faced with this before, and I never and would never ask my bf to stop doing whatever it is he's doing that I'm not comfortable with.

    I can only tell him how it makes me feel (uncomfortable or however I feel about it) but after that I leave the decision to him.

    My bfs have all known me well enough to know that if I am uncomfortable enough with a certain behaviour of his, I will leave the relationship, and have!

    So it's not a matter of you asking her to stop anything, it's more you telling her how it makes you feel, calmly and respectfully, no demands, no ultimatums, and then observing from there.

    If the behaviour continues, then re-evaluate whether she is right person for you, and if not, wish her well and walk away.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-20-2019 at 05:09 PM.

  11. #10
    I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. Iíve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

    After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

    My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I donít care if they stay friends & stay in contact, Iíd just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •