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DeanoShark

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Hi all,

 

So my girlfriend & I have been dating for around a year & a half now. We get on like a house on fire & we both love each other to pieces.

 

There’s been one issue that keeps popping up.... Her ex FWB.

 

So her & this guy had a very on again off again type thing. The first time I met her she was actually all over him. We met a few more times & started to really hit it off. After a while we started dating. When we first hooked up her sister warned me not to bring him up (I know him quite well).

 

Her contact with him never really stopped.

 

I was worried about her one night because something was clearly up & read her journal (she knows about this & has forgiven me I told her straight after doing it). Reading this to me it seemed like her confessing her love for him but she assured me that it was just her writing about her past to deal with it.

 

There’s been multiple things that have weirded me out & made me feel uncomfortable in our relationship. These have been consistently brought up.

 

So these things are stuff like:

 

She’s been the person he snapchats the most nearly our entire relationship.

 

He contacts her consistently when drunk.

 

He called her at 2 in the morning while I was with her & she didn’t want to answer it because I was there.

 

She wants to hang out with him in group settings without me around. She’s only got one group of friends so doesn’t get to have a social life outside of me otherwise.

 

He sends his songs to her before anyone else

 

They sometimes spend hours talking & she will say all they did was bag each other out.

 

We recently were going to split up (didn’t happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth & she told him, since this point he’s been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasn’t told him because she’s worried he will not talk to her as much. He is aware that it makes me feel awkward the amount they talk.

 

 

 

Now I know full well that she loves me & they wouldn’t do anything but I don’t know what to do. She has offered to cut him out of her life but this means cutting off the only group of friends she has.

 

We both love each other so much & want to be together. I just don’t know what to do to make myself comfortable with their friendship.

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Ask her to scale back her contact with her FWB drastically. Both of you should try to reach a reasonable compromise. I wouldn't ask her to cut off her only group of friends she has or cut him out completely yet she needs to be considerate of you and become less selfish. She needs to be more loyal and devoted to you as your girlfriend.

 

Tell her that she needs to tell the FWB that she needs SPACE. SPACE = BOUNDARIES.

 

She doesn't have to cut him out of her life completely. However, she can exercise discretion by decreasing her contact with her FWB drastically out of respect for you and out of respect for your relationship.

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Your girlfriend needs to assert herself. You know what, I've got a couple of really close male friends that I've known for eons. Almost family like. But they are not boyfriends. So, I don't treat them as such. And since I'm not their girlfriend they don't treat me like that either. There are boundaries.

 

What also concerns me is

We recently were going to split up (didn’t happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth
.

What does "live her youth" mean to her?

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It sounds like she is ready able and willing to dump you in a heartbeat when this guy snaps his fingers or comes around. It's not about him. She has always had one foot out the door hoping for this guy.

 

Notice that you and your relationship remain a secret while she "talks" to him. This is a lot more than a friend or a fwb. She will deny it up and down and tell you she doesn't talk to him etc. But that is not going to change her feeling for him. She will just hide and lie better about it.

We recently were going to split up (didn’t happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth

 

he’s been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasn’t told him because she’s worried he will not talk to her as much.

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Boundaries.

I have someone in my past, similar to him. But I make sure he understands exactly where the line is drawn. He crosses it and it risks affecting my relationship, then I'd reconsider my friendship with him.

 

This ex drinks a little too much for my liking. One of the reasons we will never to be together and he had a habit in the past of calling in the middle of the night. Seriously, if my boyfriend had some ex calling at 2am. . .let's just say I wouldn't be very happy!

 

Along with limits for the ex, she needs to have some healthy limits for herself. That's if she respects the relationship she has with you and wants to keep it.

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You can't tell people who they can see, communicate with be friends with etc without looking like a jealous control freak. So don't go there. Just pull way back so that she can start to notice what life without her security blanket is like. Do not become the possessive bf and push her straight into his arms.

 

She's on the fence. You should observe this not try to control it. You can not win her love and respect with commands and dictates. You also can not change her having the hots for this guy and wishing she were with him. You can however walk away, find a decent girl and grant her her wish.

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You can't tell people who they can see, communicate with be friends with etc without looking like a jealous control freak. So don't go there. Just pull way back so that she can start to notice what life without her security blanket is like. Do not become the possessive bf and push her straight into his arms.

 

She's on the fence. You should observe this not try to control it. You can not win her love and respect with commands and dictates. You also can not change her having the hots for this guy and wishing she were with him.

 

You can however walk away, find a decent girl and grant her her wish.

 

Spot on Wise. In fact, was just gonna post it, but you beat me to it.

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To add, here's the thing about "asking" your partner to stop doing something they have been doing and clearly want to do.

 

Or even just asking them to dial the behaviour back.

 

Things like communicating with or spending time with an ex bf/gf or ex FWB or anyone or anything else that makes you uncomfortable.

 

If they comply, it's not coming from their heart, from within themselves -- it's coming from you asking them to stop, or demanding they stop in order to alleviate your discomfort or anxiety about it. Which frankly I don't think is either fair or right.

 

We could all scream she needs to assert herself with her ex, or she needs stronger boundaries, but at the end of the day, it's her decision to make.

 

I've been faced with this before, and I never and would never ask my bf to stop doing whatever it is he's doing that I'm not comfortable with.

 

I can only tell him how it makes me feel (uncomfortable or however I feel about it) but after that I leave the decision to him.

 

My bfs have all known me well enough to know that if I am uncomfortable enough with a certain behaviour of his, I will leave the relationship, and have!

 

So it's not a matter of you asking her to stop anything, it's more you telling her how it makes you feel, calmly and respectfully, no demands, no ultimatums, and then observing from there.

 

If the behaviour continues, then re-evaluate whether she is right person for you, and if not, wish her well and walk away.

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I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. I’ve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

 

After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

 

My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I don’t care if they stay friends & stay in contact, I’d just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

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I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. I’ve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

 

After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

 

My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I don’t care if they stay friends & stay in contact, I’d just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

 

Completely understandable unfortunately as the others have said you can’t control who she is what she feels how she acts, all you can control is what you will and will not accept and unfortunately you have shown her despite a little complaining, you accept her treatment

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Completely understandable unfortunately as the others have said you can’t control who she is what she feels how she acts, all you can control is what you will and will not accept and unfortunately you have shown her despite a little complaining, you accept her treatment

 

I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

 

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

 

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

 

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

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I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

 

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

 

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

 

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

 

Agree and very similar if not identical to what I said in my second post.

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I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. I’ve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

 

After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

 

My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I don’t care if they stay friends & stay in contact, I’d just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

 

The trouble, as I see it, is that you've never really had a productive conversation about all this—a conversation that should have come early and, ideally, been the end of it. You're a month or two into dating someone, say, and they're still super intwined with an ex-FWB. At that stage, before the cement as set on the foundation, it's very easy to let you someone know that you're not comfortable with someone with this sort of relationship. No judgement—just telling someone who you are, and then observing if you two can work. If you can't, you wish them well; if you can, you step forward.

 

That didn't happen. The snap chatting and so on continued, the cement hardened, those two months became a year plus, and at some point in there you were so blitzed out about it that you jumped the rails and read her journal. Kerosene on the fire, right there. So now you get to have the Big, Hard Talk where you apologize for that and she apologizes for whatever, and all is forgiven as the dust of emotional exhaustion sets in in such a manner where it feels like a shared revelation. Except, well, it's not forgiven, not really. What you saw in the journal left a mark. You reading her journal left a mark. Those marks are like pickaxes to the foundation.

 

Recently you were going to split up. That's generally not how people who "get along like a house on fire" and who "love each other to pieces" celebrate their bond. No, it's generally what people consider doing when the cracks in the foundation start to show. And, hey, it kind of sounds like she's already "living her youth" inside this relationship, since she gets both a boyfriend and a thirsty FWB to chat with when things get rocky with her boyfriend. Trouble is it doesn't sound like you much like being the stage on which she lives this version of her youth. Can't say I blame you.

 

What to do, in your shoes? No more pressing, just observe. All the information is out there. Big, Hard Talks become pretty hollow when they circle the same narrative and don't produce much. She can do whatever she'd like. Maybe it's dialing all that back—maybe. I'd say that's highly unlikely since, for all the talks, this guy is part of your foundation—not something either of you ever set healthy boundaries with in order to ensure that the relationship could be built on solid ground.

 

Sucks, I know. In an ideal world we get to learn Big Lessons inside a relationship and apply them to that same relationship, but ideals and reality don't often align.

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She has offered to cut him out of her life but this means cutting off the only group of friends she has.
That would NOT mean she would have to cut off the only group of friends she has. It just means she wouldn't be able to hang out with them when he was going to be there. She would be able to have them to her home, host events for them (without him being there etc).

 

You should have taken her up on her offer.

 

Me? I would NEVER continue going out with anyone who was still connected to their FB/FWB like your g/f is still connected with hers. If nothing else, they are both being disrespectful to you in their amount of contact. It's really concerning that she didn't pick up that 2 a.m. phone call from him and tell him that it was inappropriate of him to be calling her at that hour. She failed to the nth degree there in showing you that she had good romantic relationship boundaries in place when it comes to yours and her relationship which of course is one of the many reasons why you are uncomfortable with their 'relationship.' (understandable so)

 

I too would like to know what she expected to do while she was off "living her youth" as well as why she ended up not doing that.

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I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

 

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

 

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

 

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

 

I’m not sure how that’s different from what i said, sorry not sure if you’re agreeing or countering.

 

He told her how he feels. That parts been done. It’s no longer an option.

 

My response was to his wishing she act in a manner that he desires, we are not in control of someone else, including respecting you, you can’t force someone to respect you unfortunately they either do or they don’t and honestly, if you’re mature enough to be in an adult relationship it’s not rocket science what boundaries with ex sex buddies should be... call me crazy, I wouldn’t need to be told having a dude I used to have sex with calling at 2:00 in the morning is in ill taste...

 

Sorry, I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I was attempting to politely point that out.

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We recently were going to split up (didn’t happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth & she told him, since this point he’s been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasn’t told him because she’s worried he will not talk to her as much. He is aware that it makes me feel awkward the amount they talk.

 

She's keeping your relationship a secret from him to keep him in her life? And you're OK with this?

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The trouble, as I see it, is that you've never really had a productive conversation about all this—a conversation that should have come early and, ideally, been the end of it. You're a month or two into dating someone, say, and they're still super intwined with an ex-FWB. At that stage, before the cement as set on the foundation, it's very easy to let you someone know that you're not comfortable with someone with this sort of relationship. No judgement—just telling someone who you are, and then observing if you two can work. If you can't, you wish them well; if you can, you step forward.

 

That didn't happen. The snap chatting and so on continued, the cement hardened, those two months became a year plus, and at some point in there you were so blitzed out about it that you jumped the rails and read her journal. Kerosene on the fire, right there. So now you get to have the Big, Hard Talk where you apologize for that and she apologizes for whatever, and all is forgiven as the dust of emotional exhaustion sets in in such a manner where it feels like a shared revelation. Except, well, it's not forgiven, not really. What you saw in the journal left a mark. You reading her journal left a mark. Those marks are like pickaxes to the foundation.

 

Recently you were going to split up. That's generally not how people who "get along like a house on fire" and who "love each other to pieces" celebrate their bond. No, it's generally what people consider doing when the cracks in the foundation start to show. And, hey, it kind of sounds like she's already "living her youth" inside this relationship, since she gets both a boyfriend and a thirsty FWB to chat with when things get rocky with her boyfriend. Trouble is it doesn't sound like you much like being the stage on which she lives this version of her youth. Can't say I blame you.

 

What to do, in your shoes? No more pressing, just observe. All the information is out there. Big, Hard Talks become pretty hollow when they circle the same narrative and don't produce much. She can do whatever she'd like. Maybe it's dialing all that back—maybe. I'd say that's highly unlikely since, for all the talks, this guy is part of your foundation—not something either of you ever set healthy boundaries with in order to ensure that the relationship could be built on solid ground.

 

Sucks, I know. In an ideal world we get to learn Big Lessons inside a relationship and apply them to that same relationship, but ideals and reality don't often align.

 

My thought exactly, just much more eloquently put as usual 😊

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Never put yourself in the middle of someone who is chasing someone else. You deserve better than this. Don't you know that?!

The dream of someone knowing they want only you is attainable, and the quickest way there is knowing when to step out of the way when someone can not give you what you need totally as is. You are making more work for yourself than need be.

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