The Friend With Benefits

[figureitout23]

I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. I’ve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I don’t care if they stay friends & stay in contact, I’d just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

Completely understandable unfortunately as the others have said you can’t control who she is what she feels how she acts, all you can control is what you will and will not accept and unfortunately you have shown her despite a little complaining, you accept her treatment

[reinventmyself]

Completely understandable unfortunately as the others have said you can’t control who she is what she feels how she acts, all you can control is what you will and will not accept and unfortunately you have shown her despite a little complaining, you accept her treatment

I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

[katrina1980]

I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

Agree and very similar if not identical to what I said in my second post.

[bluecastle]

I have not asked her at any stage to cut the contact. I’ve made her aware of how their contact has made me feel. This dropped their contact a very small amount, mainly on his end as she told him how I felt.

After him calling the other night at 2 in the morning we had another conversation about it & she has since come back & asked if I want her to cut him off completely.

My dream result would have been she decided to not go out of her way to contact him of her own accord. I don’t care if they stay friends & stay in contact, I’d just like to see things dialled down on her end a bit from her own choosing.

The trouble, as I see it, is that you've never really had a productive conversation about all this—a conversation that should have come early and, ideally, been the end of it. You're a month or two into dating someone, say, and they're still super intwined with an ex-FWB. At that stage, before the cement as set on the foundation, it's very easy to let you someone know that you're not comfortable with someone with this sort of relationship. No judgement—just telling someone who you are, and then observing if you two can work. If you can't, you wish them well; if you can, you step forward.

That didn't happen. The snap chatting and so on continued, the cement hardened, those two months became a year plus, and at some point in there you were so blitzed out about it that you jumped the rails and read her journal. Kerosene on the fire, right there. So now you get to have the Big, Hard Talk where you apologize for that and she apologizes for whatever, and all is forgiven as the dust of emotional exhaustion sets in in such a manner where it feels like a shared revelation. Except, well, it's not forgiven, not really. What you saw in the journal left a mark. You reading her journal left a mark. Those marks are like pickaxes to the foundation.

Recently you were going to split up. That's generally not how people who "get along like a house on fire" and who "love each other to pieces" celebrate their bond. No, it's generally what people consider doing when the cracks in the foundation start to show. And, hey, it kind of sounds like she's already "living her youth" inside this relationship, since she gets both a boyfriend and a thirsty FWB to chat with when things get rocky with her boyfriend. Trouble is it doesn't sound like you much like being the stage on which she lives this version of her youth. Can't say I blame you.

What to do, in your shoes? No more pressing, just observe. All the information is out there. Big, Hard Talks become pretty hollow when they circle the same narrative and don't produce much. She can do whatever she'd like. Maybe it's dialing all that back—maybe. I'd say that's highly unlikely since, for all the talks, this guy is part of your foundation—not something either of you ever set healthy boundaries with in order to ensure that the relationship could be built on solid ground.

Sucks, I know. In an ideal world we get to learn Big Lessons inside a relationship and apply them to that same relationship, but ideals and reality don't often align.

[greendots]

I wonder, how would she feel if the tables were turned? What would she do if she were in your shoes?

[ThatwasThen]

She has offered to cut him out of her life but this means cutting off the only group of friends she has.

That would NOT mean she would have to cut off the only group of friends she has. It just means she wouldn't be able to hang out with them when he was going to be there. She would be able to have them to her home, host events for them (without him being there etc).

You should have taken her up on her offer.

Me? I would NEVER continue going out with anyone who was still connected to their FB/FWB like your g/f is still connected with hers. If nothing else, they are both being disrespectful to you in their amount of contact. It's really concerning that she didn't pick up that 2 a.m. phone call from him and tell him that it was inappropriate of him to be calling her at that hour. She failed to the nth degree there in showing you that she had good romantic relationship boundaries in place when it comes to yours and her relationship which of course is one of the many reasons why you are uncomfortable with their 'relationship.' (understandable so)

I too would like to know what she expected to do while she was off "living her youth" as well as why she ended up not doing that.

[figureitout23]

I think there is a lot in between the lines of - not telling someone what to do and - not telling someone how you feel about what they are doing.

Turning your back without speaking up rarely serves anyone. Speaking up may not change anyone, but it will change you. Speaking up on your own behalf about how you want to be treated is often needed. People aren't always mind readers.

You state how something makes you feel, leave it alone and see what they do about it. For all you know the other person had no idea you felt that way and would want to know.

It's not the same as telling a person what to do or giving them an ultimatum.

I’m not sure how that’s different from what i said, sorry not sure if you’re agreeing or countering.

He told her how he feels. That parts been done. It’s no longer an option.

My response was to his wishing she act in a manner that he desires, we are not in control of someone else, including respecting you, you can’t force someone to respect you unfortunately they either do or they don’t and honestly, if you’re mature enough to be in an adult relationship it’s not rocket science what boundaries with ex sex buddies should be... call me crazy, I wouldn’t need to be told having a dude I used to have sex with calling at 2:00 in the morning is in ill taste...

Sorry, I think the writing is on the wall with this one and I was attempting to politely point that out.

[calichick007]

We recently were going to split up (didn’t happen) so she could deal with some issues & live her youth & she told him, since this point he’s been talking to her more & since we decided not to she hasn’t told him because she’s worried he will not talk to her as much. He is aware that it makes me feel awkward the amount they talk.

She's keeping your relationship a secret from him to keep him in her life? And you're OK with this?

[figureitout23]

The trouble, as I see it, is that you've never really had a productive conversation about all this—a conversation that should have come early and, ideally, been the end of it. You're a month or two into dating someone, say, and they're still super intwined with an ex-FWB. At that stage, before the cement as set on the foundation, it's very easy to let you someone know that you're not comfortable with someone with this sort of relationship. No judgement—just telling someone who you are, and then observing if you two can work. If you can't, you wish them well; if you can, you step forward.

That didn't happen. The snap chatting and so on continued, the cement hardened, those two months became a year plus, and at some point in there you were so blitzed out about it that you jumped the rails and read her journal. Kerosene on the fire, right there. So now you get to have the Big, Hard Talk where you apologize for that and she apologizes for whatever, and all is forgiven as the dust of emotional exhaustion sets in in such a manner where it feels like a shared revelation. Except, well, it's not forgiven, not really. What you saw in the journal left a mark. You reading her journal left a mark. Those marks are like pickaxes to the foundation.

Recently you were going to split up. That's generally not how people who "get along like a house on fire" and who "love each other to pieces" celebrate their bond. No, it's generally what people consider doing when the cracks in the foundation start to show. And, hey, it kind of sounds like she's already "living her youth" inside this relationship, since she gets both a boyfriend and a thirsty FWB to chat with when things get rocky with her boyfriend. Trouble is it doesn't sound like you much like being the stage on which she lives this version of her youth. Can't say I blame you.

What to do, in your shoes? No more pressing, just observe. All the information is out there. Big, Hard Talks become pretty hollow when they circle the same narrative and don't produce much. She can do whatever she'd like. Maybe it's dialing all that back—maybe. I'd say that's highly unlikely since, for all the talks, this guy is part of your foundation—not something either of you ever set healthy boundaries with in order to ensure that the relationship could be built on solid ground.

Sucks, I know. In an ideal world we get to learn Big Lessons inside a relationship and apply them to that same relationship, but ideals and reality don't often align.

My thought exactly, just much more eloquently put as usual 😊

[itsallgrand]

Never put yourself in the middle of someone who is chasing someone else. You deserve better than this. Don't you know that?!
The dream of someone knowing they want only you is attainable, and the quickest way there is knowing when to step out of the way when someone can not give you what you need totally as is. You are making more work for yourself than need be.