Moving in with my boyfriend hasn't turned into what I expected

I'm not entirely sure where this is going to go, I might just need to vent to be honest but if anyone has advice please let me know.

I have temporarily moved in with my boyfriend and 4 other roommates for a few weeks as I wait for my new lease to begin. I was so excited for this and thought I was going to love living with my boyfriend (before I moved in we practically lived together, spending the night together every night, having dinner together, sharing groceries etc.) but it seems like the opposite is happening. I am a year older than my boyfriend, so the last few months I have been working full time, and then starting in June I started a Master's program that had me out of the house every day from 8-5, he is a senior in college and only had one summer class and worked part-time so he spent a lot of his time at home. Every day when I got back from work or from school he would be so excited to see me and he'd jump up and hug me and squeeze me and just look so happy to see me. Since I have moved in with him this has almost completely stopped. I keep trying to tell myself not to think too much into it and that it's probably just because I live there now so maybe it's less exciting when I come home (even though I'm still gone all day as I used to be) but it definitely hurts every time I walk in the door expecting him to be so thrilled to see me and he barely even looks away from his phone or the TV.

Also since I've moved in our sex-life has almost completely stopped. We used to have sex a minimum of 4 times a week and since I moved in 2 weeks ago I think we've had sex twice, maybe three times. I think it's because instead of going upstairs to his room around 10 pm and just hanging out us two like we used to before I lived there, we're now staying in the living room with his other roommates until about midnight so by the time we get upstairs he's too tired to have sex. I've tried mentioning this to him and I pointing out the lack of sex we've had lately and he said he was going to work on it and on initiating more or at least letting me know when he's horny, but this has not happened at all since we talked about it about a week ago.

He also used to talk to me on the phone every day for my 30 minute commute home from class and since I've moved in we haven't done this at all, I tried calling him today but he said he was watching TV with his roommates and didn't want to. I know that most of these changes are probably due to me living with him now but I can't help but get in my head about it and think that he's bored of me or that I'm just not exciting because I live there now. I'm also frustrated because I was literally his neighbor before I moved in, so other than me showering and cooking at his place now, me moving in hasn't changed anything at all. I've tried telling him how I feel, and how it seems like he's bored or uninterested in me lately but he'll say he's sorry and that he's going to work on it and nothing changes.

I know that most of these problems will probably go away when I move into my new apartment in two weeks but until then I don't know what to do, I feel so uncomfortable and unwanted when I'm in his house now, and he hasn't done anything to make it better, when I'm there all we do is sit in his living room with his roommates either watching a tv show that I do not like (and my boyfriend is aware I don't like it), playing a game on their xbox that I don't like (also aware I don't like this game) or listening to rap music which I also don't like. I don't mind hanging out with his roommates, and I don't mind doing things I don't like every once and awhile because I know I'm the guest and it's not my place to say anything or complain about it, but my boyfriend knows I'm not enjoying myself and he'll still stay downstairs with his roommates until he almost falls asleep on the couch so by the time we get up to his room where we could actually hang out, talk about our day, or do something that I enjoy he falls asleep. When I brought this up to him he said he's just having a hard time figuring out how to split his time up between me and his friends now that I'm living there but like I said before, me living there has not changed how much we see each other at all.

So sorry that was so long, I think I needed to rant more than anything but advice is helpful too.

My ex did the same thing after I moved in. He stayed in his workshop until very late, usually 3 or 4 am, while I had to be at work at 7:30 am so I couldn't wait up (not that he seemed to want me to). Sex slowed to a crawl too.

I did move back out after 4 months, but there was no getting it back. We broke up soon after.

For whatever reason he found me much more compelling when I wasn't there every night. He behaved as though I was invading his personal space (even though HE had suggested I move in). Apparently I cramped his style or something.

And when I asked him he gave vague, non answers. Maybe he didn't even know why I lost my appeal after moving in.

I do wonder how it would go if you two had your own place together. Has that been discussed?

Anyway, if things don't improve after you move out it may be time to rethink the relationship.

We're planning to move in to our own place once we both graduate (so hopefully next summer), we're going to different colleges right now so in two weeks I'll be moving an hour away, which isn't too bad but I figured the idea of me moving away would make him more clingy not the opposite. I really am hoping that things will go back to normal once I move back out, it's killing me to feel like this.

Dating is a lot different than living together or marriage. Once you're with each other that much it's about paying bills, errands, chores - cleaning, laundry, cooking and if the maturity level isn't there to co-habitate, it won't work out living together. You're better off with reverting to the dating stage or call it quits if you're disgusted with him.

Also, keep in mind, you're with roommates which is a heck of a lot different than just two people living together under one roof. You can't relax when there are bunch of roommates who are strangers to you. It's disruptive, there's no privacy and you can't enjoy your home without what feels like intruders in your home. In other words, it's too crowded!

On one hand I totally get the frustrations. All your worst fears: that he's a lazy dude now that you share a key, that your days of sexual exuberance are in the past, that the best is not yet to come but has already come and gone—well, they may come true. Time will answer that more accurately than any of us.

On the other hand? It has been two weeks. If you can't allow for some small changes to occur without getting bent out of shape you're going to find relationships a struggle and cohabitation nearly impossible. Your sex life, for instance? I wouldn't call 2-3 times in 2 weeks, as opposed to 8 times, to be "almost completely stopped." It's a slight dip. Best way to address that? It's generally not by going straight to the Big Talk, but to whisper in someone's ear when the clock strikes 10 that you'd like to go upstairs. Wink wink, see what happens. Often the dip becomes a summit again without anyone needing to feel like they have to "work on it." The moment intimacy turns into labor is, for many, a hard moment to recover from.

Honestly, what you're describing is not quite living together but crashing at his place for a month before you get your own. That's just different. Temporary and convenience-based—which, hey, all good. But to turn that into a test of how things would be if you really moved in, or an opportunity to play newlyweds—well, that's just a recipe for disappointment.

How long have you been together? Why the rush to live together anyway? You're both so young, still in some pretty major transitional moments.

I am only living with him temporarily because I had a gap between when my old lease ended and my new lease started. We are not in a rush to live together, we are still decently young. I don't think this is how it would be if we lived together alone, I actually think having our own place would be very very different than this so I am not using this as a test to see how living together would me.

I'm more worried with how quickly his actions changed, and how/what I should do to stop letting these actions bother me, I realize that these changes are most likely due to me crashing at his place for the month and that they will most likely go away but for right now I can't help but get upset about it.

I'm not disgusted with him at all! No, I'm not worried about how we would be if we lived alone, I know that would be quite different than it is right now for sure. The thing is that even before I 'moved in' we were neighbors, I would come over every day after work and spent the whole night there or vice versa. So the roommates and crowdedness of the house shouldn't be a huge factor because that's how it was even before I moved in and that didn't bother either of us before.

I think perhaps a bit of commitment phobia is rearing its ugly head.

What’s happening is that before, even though you were spending most nights at his, you still had your own place to live and return to. You had that option.

Your spending time together was a choice and came from a place of desire to spend time together.

Now, since moving in (even though it's temporary), it’s no longer a choice, a desire, it’s become an obligation.

And for some people who are a bit skittish about commitment, that obligation feels uncomfortable; they feel “boxed in” and suffocated.

It’s very similar to claustrophobia, fear of enclosed spaces, only difference is with this particular fear, it’s fear of being mentally closed in.

He’s not ready for it, clearly. Too close for comfort as they say. Even though it's only temporary.

Can you stay at a friends or family member until you move into your own place?

I would feel same as you, and I would get the heck out of there ASAP. I for one do not enjoy being somewhere, living somewhere, where I am not fully welcomed with open arms. That would be uncomfortable for me.

I realize there are always adjustments, but his behavior just seems very extreme to me. Clearly he is not as excited about you and lost some of his desire for you (the lack of excitement when you get home, and the huge decline in sexual relations is a strong indication of that), but once you’re out and in your own place, hopefully things will go back to how they were.

Try to not take it personally -- it's the commitment fear rearing its head, NOT you. He's just not ready.

Years ago I was seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons, but one of the things which came up in a session was that my partner, who had been a wonderful, carefree, easy-going soul, turned into a controlling tyrant once we moved in together. Really, became like a totally different person. We had been spending long periods of time at each other's places before that - practically living together anyway, just as you describe - and this was a monumental shock.

My therapist said that often, when couples officially move in together, either or both of them will start replicating the relationship their parents had. This fitted for my partner, whose father was very dominating and autocratic, used to controlling everyone around him.

So... think about whether this fits for you. Did/does his father practically ignore his mother in favour of the TV or other interests? Does his father take his mother for granted, and just expect her to be around without making an effort? If so, I suspect you've got your answer as to what's going on!

Have a think about how you're going to get through the next couple of weeks, and it does sound pretty dire at the moment. Are there any other friends you could catch up with, or anything else you could do to get you out of the house? Alternatively, any creative interests you could carry on with in the background while they're doing their thing?

I suspect you're right that everything will settle back down again when you get your own place, but at least you've had a little taste of what it might be like if you WERE to move in with him permanently....

My guess is, it sounds as if you unintentionally invaded their space, as well as disrupting their routines, etc.. I'd bide my time and look at it as rather than living alone with your boyfriend, you're now living with a group of people temporarily.

If you read between the lines, it's too close for comfort, (imo).

That's an interesting way to look at it, I'll have to pay better attention to how his parents act around his house. Thanks for the help!

Thing is you didn't rent a 2BR apartment together. Very technically speaking, you moved into his apartment, but in every practical sense, you moved into his room. Not to say it's a guarantee you moving in would have been fine otherwise, but this is an incredibly different dynamic. Much more similar to moving into a studio apartment together than having an actual livable, shareable space. Basically, he no longer has his space. To be fair, nor do you. But you're the one ultimately convenienced awaiting your new lease while he's pretty much entirely put out.

Being frank, you're being done a favor right now. Absolutely don't complain about how he spends his time in his own dwelling. That's how you very quickly go from welcome guest to an intrusion. You may even serve yourself and him best spending as much time as you can out of the house. There's a fine line here as to whether this is indicative of a broader significance. Speaking personally, I love my wife to death, but I don't care if you fused her together with Eva Mendez and Vida Guerra, I'd be miserable if I didn't have a space to call or at the very least informally consider my own.

I agree with that completely, but I actually have barely been home at all, my classes have me out of the house from 8-5 every day and I've had exams the past two weeks so I've been going straight from class to the library to study. Yesterday I was gone from 11 am to 11 pm and he still looked like he couldn't care less when I walked into the house. I am very aware that he is doing me a huge favor by letting me live with him during this time and I have been trying very hard to make it at easy as possible on him and his roommates, I've cleaned their entire house (it really needed it trust me), I've cooked dinner for all 5 of them, I have absolutely no problem when they want to watch their shows or play their games, but my alone time with my boyfriend is almost non-existent now other then when we're both sleeping, we used to spend quite a bit of time alone and since the move it's decreased drastically.

j.man I agree with you about the needing your own space.

When I lived with my long term ex, we each had our own space, which we both needed to keep sane, lol.

So you made a good point.

However the difference here is that prior to moving in, she was always at his anyway. She said nearly every night!

He didn't feel miserable then, although it was the same situation with her in his room, the roommates and her being gone all day.

So what changed?

Well, imo whereas before it was choice and a desire to spend all that time together, it's now become an obligation.

There is no apartment for her to return to, no place else to go. She is sort of stuck there for lack of a better way to say it.

And that is not only causing him discomfort, but it's causing him to lose attraction, again the lack of excitement when she comes home and the decline in sexual relations is a clear indication of that IMO.

I am on the fence about replicating your parents relationship, it's just too sudden. You don't suddenly go from total enthusiasm, jumping up when she comes home and sex four times a week, to ignoring when she gets home and sex twice in two weeks because you're replicating your parents.

Not imo anyway. To me, that type of change would happen slowly and gradually. This happened suddenly, immediately after she moved in.

Anyway as I said, I'd find another place to stay until I move into my own.

But you do you, and I hope it works out.

I agree with that completely, but I actually have barely been home at all, my classes have me out of the house from 8-5 every day and I've had exams the past two weeks so I've been going straight from class to the library to study. Yesterday I was gone from 11 am to 11 pm and he still looked like he couldn't care less when I walked into the house. I am very aware that he is doing me a huge favor by letting me live with him during this time and I have been trying very hard to make it at easy as possible on him and his roommates, I've cleaned their entire house (it really needed it trust me), I've cooked dinner for all 5 of them, I have absolutely no problem when they want to watch their shows or play their games, but my alone time with my boyfriend is almost non-existent now other then when we're both sleeping, we used to spend quite a bit of time alone and since the move it's decreased drastically.

Cleaning the house and cooking for them was most likely you wanting to be nice and to repay them for allowing you to stay there.

However, they may have viewed it as you "trying out" for the role of wife.

His roomies may have even teased him about his "little wifey".

I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.

I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.

Better yet, can you move in with a friend or family member until you move into your own?

I am 100% convinced he's feeling boxed in right now, suffocated, it's a mental thing (see my previous posts).

I am on the fence about replicating your parents relationship, it's just too sudden. You don't suddenly go from total enthusiasm, jumping up when she comes home and sex four times a week, to ignoring when she gets home and sex twice in two weeks because you're replicating your parents.

Too sudden? Don't you believe it....

Better yet, can you move in with a friend or family member until you move into your own?

 

I am 100% convinced he's feeling boxed in right now, suffocated, it's a mental thing (see my previous posts).

I can most likely move back in with my parents until then, it is an hour and a half away though and I feel like me moving out and that far away would make him feel like I am trying to get away from him not me trying to give him the space that he wants. I've brought up the changes I've mentioned casually to him and if he is feeling boxed in he either doesn't realize it or isn't telling me, I don't want to accidentally upset him by trying to make things better.

I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.

Bring a few pizzas or some wings and call it a day.

Forget cooking, cleaning and/or doing anyone's laundry (including his).

Too sudden? Don't you believe it....

I dunno, I would think there would be at least some period of happiness and excitement when a couple chooses to move in together, but you may be right.

It doesn't make sense to me, but that's neither here nor there.

 

I have temporarily moved in with my boyfriend and 4 other roommates for a few weeks as I wait for my new lease to begin. I was so excited for this and thought I was going to love living with my boyfriend (before I moved in we practically lived together, spending the night together every night, having dinner together, sharing groceries etc.) but it seems like the opposite is happening.

roto, I am curious about something. You said above that you were excited to move in, you thought you were going to love living with him.

What about him? Was he equally excited? Did he think he was going to love living with you too?

Or was this sort of forced on him, because you had nowhere else to stay until you moved into your own?

Again, just curious.

I was dating a guy I really liked, and we had spent quite a lot of time together.

He went to work early, so I decided to wash up, vacuum, put some shoes & clothes away as a help to him.

When he got home he was livid. Told me he didnt need a Mother, and I had no right to do it.

He broke up with me the next day.

Probably a very extreme example, but some guys just dont see us cleaning for them as a good thing. This could be why he has become so distant, he is seeing you as him Mum, not his GF

I think I would be finding a new place as well.

I dunno, I would think there would be at least some period of happiness and excitement when a couple chooses to move in together, but you may be right.

 

It doesn't make sense to me, but that's neither here nor there.

 

 

 

roto, I am curious about something. You said above that you were excited to move in, you thought you were going to love living with him.

 

What about him? Was he equally excited? Did he think he was going to love living with you too?

 

Or was this sort of forced on him, because you had nowhere else to stay until you moved into your own?

 

Again, just curious.

He was so excited about it, like I mentioned, we basically lived together beforehand so neither of us thought it was going to be a huge change, we just thought it would be fun and easy like our whole relationship has been up to this point. If he had any hesitation about it he never mentioned it or showed it

I can most likely move back in with my parents until then, it is an hour and a half away though and I feel like me moving out and that far away would make him feel like I am trying to get away from him not me trying to give him the space that he wants. I've brought up the changes I've mentioned casually to him and if he is feeling boxed in he either doesn't realize it or isn't telling me, I don't want to accidentally upset him by trying to make things better.

Well I doubt he would ever admit to you he's feeling boxed in. At least not with words, but he's certainly telling you with his actions, don't you think?

Well I doubt he would ever admit to you he's feeling boxed in. At least not with words, but he's certainly telling you with his actions, don't you think?

Yes I agree, I'm going to call my parents and see if I can stay there for the next two weeks, hopefully he doesn't take it in the wrong way.