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Thread: Moving in with my boyfriend hasn't turned into what I expected

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately you are not "living together", you're a guest and you are getting on his and his roommates nerves. Stay out of the house more and stop suffocating him and resenting them. They live there, you don't. Better yet stay with friends or family, you are crowding them and intruding. They do not have to do what you want.
    Not to beat a dead horse, but Wiseman she is not doing anything different from what she did prior to "moving in."

    She stated in her orig post they spent every night together at his and it all fun and happy times. He was always happy to see her, and there was lots of sex.

    So why should it be any different now? Nothing has changed, except now she has to be there versus prior she had her own place to go to, there was that option. Thus why it's possible he now feels boxed in and "trapped."

    OP, how long have you been dating him? What's his history?

    Do you think he may have commitment fears-issues?

    It's not uncommon for someone with such fears to think this way, and do a complete 180 suddenly and without warning (reads these forums) when their relationship feels more "committed" (to them) such as living together would suggest, even though it's only temporary..

    I would not ignore this.

    Something's going on with him, you'd be smart to address it, you may regret it later if you don't.

    Assumimg you patch things up after you move out, you may not. Be prepared for that.

    I'm sorry and good luck.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-20-2019 at 10:24 AM.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    After you'd been welcomed into his and their home, I wouldn't make it about your discomfort. Boyfriend or not, he's not the front desk at a motel that's too dirty for your tastes. Don't put people out and essentially tell them it's not good enough for you. I'd be a lot more gracious should you desire to provide a reason. If anything, I'd be frank about knowing you're asking a lot of him and his roommates. In pretty objective terms, it's simply a better idea for you to stay at your parents'. Still, acting normally with him afterward will be a much better way of providing assurances than any excuse you want to come up with.

    As far as what's changed-- aside from the freedom to have his room regardless of how infrequently he may exercise it, there's also a big difference between her spending the night every night and all of a sudden him knowing he's got a brooding girlfriend camped out in his room whenever he's considering retreating to it after gaming or watching shows with his roommates. Or even him just having that 5 minutes of solitude walking into the door and plopping on the bed to stare at the fan after a day's work or class.

    Even for the most attached-at-the-hip couples, it's extremely rare for things not to go awry without some personal space-- or at least the option for it. Stick a happily married couple of 50 years into a 300 sq. ft. studio for a month and you'd still be flipping the coin. Essentially moving into his room is about the worst way you could go about a trial run. It'll be a completely different story once you've got a proper space together, even if it means there's a tiny study or just a nook. Not saying it'll work then, but that it'll be a different story.

    FWIW, when my now wife moved to NYC for her residency, I came and visited as a last hoorah since we'd agreed distance wasn't going to work for us. Turns out the company I contracted with and who knew I was visiting at the time had a sister company who needed an emergency job done in NYC. I was then brought on with them full-time. Great turn of events for myself and us, but it also meant I spent two more weeks staying with my now-wife and her three female roommates as I looked for an apartment. If I had family there, it honestly would have been a no-brainer to crash in their spare room. Best I could do is take the first sublet I could find and bounce to a more permanent residence from there. There was never a stated deadline, and they would have let me stay longer if I'd asked, but it just wasn't a good idea practically speaking with the roommates nor romantically speaking with my now-wife. Afterward, I'd come visit and they'd joke about how it was nice having a guy around, but at the end of the day, you're still a disruptive extra body. Doesn't really matter how much you limit your footprint. It's just not a good situation to voluntarily sustain in the vast majority of cases.

  3. #33
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    J.man, agree w you, which was my point too.

    He needs "space."

    OP, when he's with his roommates watching a tv show, or playing a game, regardless of whether you enjoy these things or not, let him have that time alone with them.

    Do something else.

    Go to his room and read a book, or stream a movie on your phone or tablet.

    You do not and should not be spending every minute you're home with him, even though you might have before.

    Or better yet, stay at a friend's house once or twice a week.

    Guy needs some breathing room. We all do, even when married.

    I do however fault him for not communicating this with you and telling you he needs time alone or with his roommates -- space - instead he's choosing to ignore you and shut you out.

    Which is more hurtful than simply telling you he needs space, but then again, his actions are telling you he needs space.

    I'm wondering, don't you need space too?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-20-2019 at 11:34 AM.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's definitely a conversation that needs to be had.

    I can see her concern. Though the situation is not ideal with all the roommates, it is somewhat a beta test for future plans. Seeing they've discussed getting a place of their own eventually, what does this sudden shift say about their future?

    I'd tell him that because things got awkward, no blame, not by fault of anyone, that I am going to go home and we need to take the space to reevaluate and determine what this says about the future together.

    Short story: My youngest son and his gf of 2 years moved out together while in college. They had 2 other male roommates. Shortly after, my son confided in me that it wasn't as `fun' as he thought it would be and regretted it.

    As it turned out, he got in an injury accident, couldn't work for few months and they both moved home to their parents. I was curious as to how these challenges would effect them. 4 years later they moved in together, a little more mature and perfectly clear on their expectations. They got married last year. What was what I thought a bad thing, initially actually worked in their favor.

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