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Thread: Moving in with my boyfriend hasn't turned into what I expected

  1. #11

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    That's an interesting way to look at it, I'll have to pay better attention to how his parents act around his house. Thanks for the help!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Thing is you didn't rent a 2BR apartment together. Very technically speaking, you moved into his apartment, but in every practical sense, you moved into his room. Not to say it's a guarantee you moving in would have been fine otherwise, but this is an incredibly different dynamic. Much more similar to moving into a studio apartment together than having an actual livable, shareable space. Basically, he no longer has his space. To be fair, nor do you. But you're the one ultimately convenienced awaiting your new lease while he's pretty much entirely put out.

    Being frank, you're being done a favor right now. Absolutely don't complain about how he spends his time in his own dwelling. That's how you very quickly go from welcome guest to an intrusion. You may even serve yourself and him best spending as much time as you can out of the house. There's a fine line here as to whether this is indicative of a broader significance. Speaking personally, I love my wife to death, but I don't care if you fused her together with Eva Mendez and Vida Guerra, I'd be miserable if I didn't have a space to call or at the very least informally consider my own.

  3. #13

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    I agree with that completely, but I actually have barely been home at all, my classes have me out of the house from 8-5 every day and I've had exams the past two weeks so I've been going straight from class to the library to study. Yesterday I was gone from 11 am to 11 pm and he still looked like he couldn't care less when I walked into the house. I am very aware that he is doing me a huge favor by letting me live with him during this time and I have been trying very hard to make it at easy as possible on him and his roommates, I've cleaned their entire house (it really needed it trust me), I've cooked dinner for all 5 of them, I have absolutely no problem when they want to watch their shows or play their games, but my alone time with my boyfriend is almost non-existent now other then when we're both sleeping, we used to spend quite a bit of time alone and since the move it's decreased drastically.

  4. #14
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    j.man I agree with you about the needing your own space.

    When I lived with my long term ex, we each had our own space, which we both needed to keep sane, lol.

    So you made a good point.

    However the difference here is that prior to moving in, she was always at his anyway. She said nearly every night!

    He didn't feel miserable then, although it was the same situation with her in his room, the roommates and her being gone all day.

    So what changed?

    Well, imo whereas before it was choice and a desire to spend all that time together, it's now become an obligation.

    There is no apartment for her to return to, no place else to go. She is sort of stuck there for lack of a better way to say it.

    And that is not only causing him discomfort, but it's causing him to lose attraction, again the lack of excitement when she comes home and the decline in sexual relations is a clear indication of that IMO.

    I am on the fence about replicating your parents relationship, it's just too sudden. You don't suddenly go from total enthusiasm, jumping up when she comes home and sex four times a week, to ignoring when she gets home and sex twice in two weeks because you're replicating your parents.

    Not imo anyway. To me, that type of change would happen slowly and gradually. This happened suddenly, immediately after she moved in.

    Anyway as I said, I'd find another place to stay until I move into my own.

    But you do you, and I hope it works out.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 09:04 PM.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by rototrack
    I agree with that completely, but I actually have barely been home at all, my classes have me out of the house from 8-5 every day and I've had exams the past two weeks so I've been going straight from class to the library to study. Yesterday I was gone from 11 am to 11 pm and he still looked like he couldn't care less when I walked into the house. I am very aware that he is doing me a huge favor by letting me live with him during this time and I have been trying very hard to make it at easy as possible on him and his roommates, I've cleaned their entire house (it really needed it trust me), I've cooked dinner for all 5 of them, I have absolutely no problem when they want to watch their shows or play their games, but my alone time with my boyfriend is almost non-existent now other then when we're both sleeping, we used to spend quite a bit of time alone and since the move it's decreased drastically.
    Cleaning the house and cooking for them was most likely you wanting to be nice and to repay them for allowing you to stay there.

    However, they may have viewed it as you "trying out" for the role of wife.

    His roomies may have even teased him about his "little wifey".

  7. #16

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    I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by rototrack
    I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.
    Better yet, can you move in with a friend or family member until you move into your own?

    I am 100% convinced he's feeling boxed in right now, suffocated, it's a mental thing (see my previous posts).

  9. #18
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    I am on the fence about replicating your parents relationship, it's just too sudden. You don't suddenly go from total enthusiasm, jumping up when she comes home and sex four times a week, to ignoring when she gets home and sex twice in two weeks because you're replicating your parents.
    Too sudden? Don't you believe it....

  10. #19

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Better yet, can you move in with a friend or family member until you move into your own?

    I am 100% convinced he's feeling boxed in right now, suffocated, it's a mental thing (see my previous posts).
    I can most likely move back in with my parents until then, it is an hour and a half away though and I feel like me moving out and that far away would make him feel like I am trying to get away from him not me trying to give him the space that he wants. I've brought up the changes I've mentioned casually to him and if he is feeling boxed in he either doesn't realize it or isn't telling me, I don't want to accidentally upset him by trying to make things better.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by rototrack
    I didn't think about that, it is possible his roommates teased him about it, he never mentioned it and his roommates were very thankful when I did it, but I will take a step back from trying to repay them for letting me stay there. From the comments it seems like my best bet is just to try to stay out of the house when I can and hope all of this goes away when I move into my new place.
    Bring a few pizzas or some wings and call it a day.

    Forget cooking, cleaning and/or doing anyone's laundry (including his).

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