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Thread: first big fight after 5 months

  1. #1
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    first big fight after 5 months

    thanks for opening!

    so my boyfriend and i just had our first big fight, screaming and all. we've been together for 5 months and hes the most amazing, understanding, patient boyfriend ive ever had.

    on saturday we went to a wedding and of course it was open bar. we had lots to drink. towards the end of the reception some of the brides maids were coming up to him to meet him while i wasnt with him and one grabbed his hand and they held hands for a minute - i was upset. i went outside while he was smoking a cigarette and told him i didnt like it. so there was that- i know i get jealous and this is an issue of mine.

    before all that happened i noticed his ex girlfriend was there while we were at the reception. i had asked him several times if she would be there the previous weeks before the wedding, he kept saying he didnt know. when i noticed her i said - your ex is here. he said yeah i know i saw her a while ago. i was a little upset he didnt tell me he saw her - when he knew i was concerned before the wedding. he said it was because its not a big deal to him and he didnt want to make it one. understood.

    then at the very end of the reception - i asked his friend what everyone was doing for after hours. he said they were all going to his place but E***** (my boyfriend) said it would be weird if you two came because his ex is coming ...

    ok so now i was upset. why would it be weird if theres nothing left between them? why didnt he tell me she was there when he saw her? why was he holding this other girls hand?

    he loves attention from other people but would NEVER cross the line into cheating. i know this but it still bothers me that hes just gives in to attention from anyone - ive bickered about this before then felt bad as if i was attacking a part of his personality so i end up apologizing.

    so after the reception we go to a bar and im still talking about it which is making me more upset. i say im just gonna Uber home and he said no i'll take you. he screamed in the car the whole way home. not at me just in general. he was mad at his friend he was mad that he "never gets taken seriously" and what he says doesnt matter etc etc.

    we get back to my place, kind of calm down but we are still trying to discuss this all while pretty drunk. everytime we talk about it i get upset. he storms off to his car and instead of letting him leave i throw a tantrum, tell him i cant believe he would leave me in this state when im obviously upset. i tell him leave but idk what will happen tomorrow if he does. i KNOW i should not have given him an ultimatum. he comes back in. we start arguing again. it gets heated and he leaves again. i call him and he said hes going to go to bed and cool off. im panicking at this point. im so upset he left. im upset he left while i was so upset. im upset he left after i told him what the consequences might be (us not being together)

    i understand that he wanted to cool off. i understand we were just arguing and nothing good was coming out of it. i understand we were both drunk and being inconsiderate of each others feelings at this moment.

    he could tell how upset i was and came back. he said he didnt realize how upset it was making me that he left. he wasnt trying to leave ME just the situation. we went to sleep and spent the next day together, mostly napping from being hungover and mentally exhausted.

    i feel so sad and guilty. i shouldnt have said anything about it at all. im hoping i didnt ruin the dynamic of the relationship. im having a really hard time forgiving myself. a part of me is still upset he left.

    i guess im looking for words of encouragement, advice, even tell me how i should handled this better. anything helps.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. Lovers quarrel, it's the nature of the beast. Try to stop revisiting it and let it blow over. Live and learn. Now keep your eyes open. If you see any more unwanted behavior, fights etc start reconsidering things

    Of course this usually goes hand in hand but it's a deadly combination:
    Originally Posted by BCC123
    we went to a wedding and we had lots to drink.

  3. #3
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    What are you doing to try to get a handle on your unreasonable jealousy and tantrums?

    Hopefully you don't get drunk very often as it seems to exacerbate your extreme jealousy.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What are you doing to try to get a handle on your unreasonable jealousy and tantrums?

    Hopefully you don't get drunk very often as it seems to exacerbate your extreme jealousy.
    - when i can calmly step outside and think about the jealousy it seems really stupid. but when im in the heat of the moment and feeling the emotions its hard to stop them from coming out. idk how to get a hold of this -

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  6. #5
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    Did he drive drunk? If so, you are BOTH very irresponsible!!
    Second, lesson learned for you. Never ever try to "resolve" any issues while you are intoxicated. It will never end well.
    Third, never make someone feel guilty for wanting to leave a situation that they feel uncomfortable in. It's emotional abuse.

  7. #6
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Good grief. How does he put up with you? Why don't you just put a webcam around his neck so that you can keep track of everyone he talks to?

    You say he wouldn't cheat on you, and yet you treat him like a criminal. You hold him accountable for what his friend says. You need to get over this insane jealousy or it will be the end of your relationship, if it isn't already over.

  8. #7
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Ok whatís done is done, thereís not much you can change about how you treated him, but Iíd start off with a sincere apology for your behavior and give him the space he needs.
    Whatever happens afterwards, who knows, but Iím sure heís just as confused as you are about what happened between you two. Time to process is in order.

    Iím sure you realize this by now, but taking a step back to let tempers cool off is a wise decision on his end. I would have felt completely pushed into a corner were I him. No wonder he reacted the way he did.

    What is wrong with holding hands with a brides maid? Iím sure it was a quick gesture, nothing meant to upset. Maybe they know each other and caught up, shared a little memory or talked about some thing they had in common. You need to chill. Itís not a good look to let yourself become so jealous, when you yourself say that you trust him.

    As far as the ex is concerned, what good would it do for him to notify you the second he saw her? Based on how you went off on him, Iím not surprised heís afraid of your reaction. He brought YOU as a date to the wedding, not her or anyone else. You need to let that sink in a bit and start giving the guy some slack.

    I have to ask, why the jealousy? Has he ever given you any indication heís not over his ex or flirted with women or made you feel otherwise uncared for in the relationship?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    - when i can calmly step outside and think about the jealousy it seems really stupid. but when im in the heat of the moment and feeling the emotions its hard to stop them from coming out. idk how to get a hold of this -
    How about stepping away when you start feeling jealous over an innocent remark or action? Promise yourself you won't speak until you calm down.

    How many times has he cheated on you?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am not sure you fully understand how unreasonable you were. I think you are afraid right now and willing to agree to anything but I don't think you are remorseful for the multiple situations you put him in.

    Was he seriously supposed to run to you and announce the ex was there? Given the tension prior, I'd be frightened to tell you. You put him a `damned if you, damned if you don't' position. There was no right thing to do for you here.

    You created tension over the ex being there before hand. It's obvious you are insecure about it, but you don't understand why you'd be excluded from an after party that included her?

    Men absolutely hate dramatic meltdowns. Him leaving so bad doesn't get worse was the best idea, yet you punish him for being insensitive to your dramatic insecure meltdown?

    I hope for your sake he comes back.
    I hope for your sake you learn from this.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The event seems more trouble than it was worth. I feel like your personalities clash quite a lot and he's a bit more outgoing and fluid than you are which is fine but what is not fine is if both of you don't establish clear boundaries about what's acceptable or not (hand holding or flirting with another woman may not be appropriate to you and that's acceptable - remember, it's what the both of you establish).

    Your danger is in appearing too controlling and his is in not being able to anticipate gray areas and carefully sidestep them. If either of you are not more respectful of the other, this relationship will eventually cause one or both of you to feel stifled or unheard/neglected. I do not feel either of you were wrong or unreasonable but I think both of you can learn and come together more closely as a couple.

    In future you can do these things:
    -be more choosy in the events you attend
    -resist personalities that are not compatible with you whether dating or friends
    -avoid persisting in conversations late into the night in general (alcohol or no)
    -be cognizant and committed to targeting the uncomfortable situations rather than each other

    The goal is to recognize first (acknowledge each other and your differences), understand the issue (if there's an issue) and share clear thoughts with each other in an effort to solve the issue without breaking each other down. Try and get to the heart of the problems. I hope this helps.

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