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first big fight after 5 months


BCC123

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thanks for opening!

 

so my boyfriend and i just had our first big fight, screaming and all. we've been together for 5 months and hes the most amazing, understanding, patient boyfriend ive ever had.

 

on saturday we went to a wedding and of course it was open bar. we had lots to drink. towards the end of the reception some of the brides maids were coming up to him to meet him while i wasnt with him and one grabbed his hand and they held hands for a minute - i was upset. i went outside while he was smoking a cigarette and told him i didnt like it. so there was that- i know i get jealous and this is an issue of mine.

 

before all that happened i noticed his ex girlfriend was there while we were at the reception. i had asked him several times if she would be there the previous weeks before the wedding, he kept saying he didnt know. when i noticed her i said - your ex is here. he said yeah i know i saw her a while ago. i was a little upset he didnt tell me he saw her - when he knew i was concerned before the wedding. he said it was because its not a big deal to him and he didnt want to make it one. understood.

 

then at the very end of the reception - i asked his friend what everyone was doing for after hours. he said they were all going to his place but E***** (my boyfriend) said it would be weird if you two came because his ex is coming ...

 

ok so now i was upset. why would it be weird if theres nothing left between them? why didnt he tell me she was there when he saw her? why was he holding this other girls hand?

 

he loves attention from other people but would NEVER cross the line into cheating. i know this but it still bothers me that hes just gives in to attention from anyone - ive bickered about this before then felt bad as if i was attacking a part of his personality so i end up apologizing.

 

so after the reception we go to a bar and im still talking about it which is making me more upset. i say im just gonna Uber home and he said no i'll take you. he screamed in the car the whole way home. not at me just in general. he was mad at his friend he was mad that he "never gets taken seriously" and what he says doesnt matter etc etc.

 

we get back to my place, kind of calm down but we are still trying to discuss this all while pretty drunk. everytime we talk about it i get upset. he storms off to his car and instead of letting him leave i throw a tantrum, tell him i cant believe he would leave me in this state when im obviously upset. i tell him leave but idk what will happen tomorrow if he does. i KNOW i should not have given him an ultimatum. he comes back in. we start arguing again. it gets heated and he leaves again. i call him and he said hes going to go to bed and cool off. im panicking at this point. im so upset he left. im upset he left while i was so upset. im upset he left after i told him what the consequences might be (us not being together)

 

i understand that he wanted to cool off. i understand we were just arguing and nothing good was coming out of it. i understand we were both drunk and being inconsiderate of each others feelings at this moment.

 

he could tell how upset i was and came back. he said he didnt realize how upset it was making me that he left. he wasnt trying to leave ME just the situation. we went to sleep and spent the next day together, mostly napping from being hungover and mentally exhausted.

 

i feel so sad and guilty. i shouldnt have said anything about it at all. im hoping i didnt ruin the dynamic of the relationship. im having a really hard time forgiving myself. a part of me is still upset he left.

 

i guess im looking for words of encouragement, advice, even tell me how i should handled this better. anything helps.

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Sorry this happened. Lovers quarrel, it's the nature of the beast. Try to stop revisiting it and let it blow over. Live and learn. Now keep your eyes open. If you see any more unwanted behavior, fights etc start reconsidering things

 

Of course this usually goes hand in hand but it's a deadly combination:

we went to a wedding and we had lots to drink.
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What are you doing to try to get a handle on your unreasonable jealousy and tantrums?

 

Hopefully you don't get drunk very often as it seems to exacerbate your extreme jealousy.

 

- when i can calmly step outside and think about the jealousy it seems really stupid. but when im in the heat of the moment and feeling the emotions its hard to stop them from coming out. idk how to get a hold of this -

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Did he drive drunk? If so, you are BOTH very irresponsible!!

Second, lesson learned for you. Never ever try to "resolve" any issues while you are intoxicated. It will never end well.

Third, never make someone feel guilty for wanting to leave a situation that they feel uncomfortable in. It's emotional abuse.

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Good grief. How does he put up with you? Why don't you just put a webcam around his neck so that you can keep track of everyone he talks to?

 

You say he wouldn't cheat on you, and yet you treat him like a criminal. You hold him accountable for what his friend says. You need to get over this insane jealousy or it will be the end of your relationship, if it isn't already over.

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Ok what’s done is done, there’s not much you can change about how you treated him, but I’d start off with a sincere apology for your behavior and give him the space he needs.

Whatever happens afterwards, who knows, but I’m sure he’s just as confused as you are about what happened between you two. Time to process is in order.

 

I’m sure you realize this by now, but taking a step back to let tempers cool off is a wise decision on his end. I would have felt completely pushed into a corner were I him. No wonder he reacted the way he did.

 

What is wrong with holding hands with a brides maid? I’m sure it was a quick gesture, nothing meant to upset. Maybe they know each other and caught up, shared a little memory or talked about some thing they had in common. You need to chill. It’s not a good look to let yourself become so jealous, when you yourself say that you trust him.

 

As far as the ex is concerned, what good would it do for him to notify you the second he saw her? Based on how you went off on him, I’m not surprised he’s afraid of your reaction. He brought YOU as a date to the wedding, not her or anyone else. You need to let that sink in a bit and start giving the guy some slack.

 

I have to ask, why the jealousy? Has he ever given you any indication he’s not over his ex or flirted with women or made you feel otherwise uncared for in the relationship?

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- when i can calmly step outside and think about the jealousy it seems really stupid. but when im in the heat of the moment and feeling the emotions its hard to stop them from coming out. idk how to get a hold of this -

 

How about stepping away when you start feeling jealous over an innocent remark or action? Promise yourself you won't speak until you calm down.

 

How many times has he cheated on you?

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I am not sure you fully understand how unreasonable you were. I think you are afraid right now and willing to agree to anything but I don't think you are remorseful for the multiple situations you put him in.

 

Was he seriously supposed to run to you and announce the ex was there? Given the tension prior, I'd be frightened to tell you. You put him a `damned if you, damned if you don't' position. There was no right thing to do for you here.

 

You created tension over the ex being there before hand. It's obvious you are insecure about it, but you don't understand why you'd be excluded from an after party that included her?

 

Men absolutely hate dramatic meltdowns. Him leaving so bad doesn't get worse was the best idea, yet you punish him for being insensitive to your dramatic insecure meltdown?

 

I hope for your sake he comes back.

I hope for your sake you learn from this.

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The event seems more trouble than it was worth. I feel like your personalities clash quite a lot and he's a bit more outgoing and fluid than you are which is fine but what is not fine is if both of you don't establish clear boundaries about what's acceptable or not (hand holding or flirting with another woman may not be appropriate to you and that's acceptable - remember, it's what the both of you establish).

 

Your danger is in appearing too controlling and his is in not being able to anticipate gray areas and carefully sidestep them. If either of you are not more respectful of the other, this relationship will eventually cause one or both of you to feel stifled or unheard/neglected. I do not feel either of you were wrong or unreasonable but I think both of you can learn and come together more closely as a couple.

 

In future you can do these things:

-be more choosy in the events you attend

-resist personalities that are not compatible with you whether dating or friends

-avoid persisting in conversations late into the night in general (alcohol or no)

-be cognizant and committed to targeting the uncomfortable situations rather than each other

 

The goal is to recognize first (acknowledge each other and your differences), understand the issue (if there's an issue) and share clear thoughts with each other in an effort to solve the issue without breaking each other down. Try and get to the heart of the problems. I hope this helps.

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Did he drive drunk? If so, you are BOTH very irresponsible!!

Second, lesson learned for you. Never ever try to "resolve" any issues while you are intoxicated. It will never end well.

Third, never make someone feel guilty for wanting to leave a situation that they feel uncomfortable in. It's emotional abuse.

 

youre right. it was emotional abuse. i feel awful.

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yes i was jealous for no reason! i do feel awful that i put him into a corner. it was a bad bad fight and i feel so guilty and am having so much trouble forgiving myself.

 

i dont expect him to tell me the minute he saw her. im just saying i asked if she was going to be there prior. we have no issues with each other! shes a sweet girl and we've met and hung out before. we are very friendly with each other. i wasnt interrogating him on whether she was going to be there or not, just simply curious.

 

the part that bothered me was that he told his friend it would be weird if we were all at an after hours party together. i felt bad as if i was the reason we couldnt go, because he didnt want to mix his new girlfriend with his old. i guess from my point of view i wouldnt care if an ex and my current boyfriend were there. so i expected him to think the same, which is wrong. i know this. i just dont see the issue with us all together at this party as we all had been together dancing and hanging out all night anyway.

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i feel so sad and guilty. i shouldnt have said anything about it at all. im hoping i didnt ruin the dynamic of the relationship. im having a really hard time forgiving myself. a part of me is still upset he left.

 

i guess im looking for words of encouragement, advice, even tell me how i should handled this better. anything helps.

 

Well, you did the wrong thing, but at least you're aware of it.

 

Most likely, it will just blow over.

 

Don't dwell on it. You got drunk and acted like an ass. These things happen.

 

Learn from your mistake. Don't get into big discussions when one or both of you is drunk.

 

I also thing you ought to lighten up a bit about his ex. You're jumping at shadows with her.

 

Listen, if decides to cheat, nothing you do will stop him from doing so. It has nothing to do with you, so free yourself of that burden. Worrying about that sort of stuff just makes life miserable.

 

I don't know why he held that other girl's hand. I don't think it means anything. People do all sorts of meaningless things when they are drinking.

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yes i was jealous for no reason! i do feel awful that i put him into a corner. it was a bad bad fight and i feel so guilty and am having so much trouble forgiving myself.

 

i dont expect him to tell me the minute he saw her. im just saying i asked if she was going to be there prior. we have no issues with each other! shes a sweet girl and we've met and hung out before. we are very friendly with each other. i wasnt interrogating him on whether she was going to be there or not, just simply curious.

 

the part that bothered me was that he told his friend it would be weird if we were all at an after hours party together. i felt bad as if i was the reason we couldnt go, because he didnt want to mix his new girlfriend with his old. i guess from my point of view i wouldnt care if an ex and my current boyfriend were there. so i expected him to think the same, which is wrong. i know this. i just dont see the issue with us all together at this party as we all had been together dancing and hanging out all night anyway.

 

You seriously can't think of any other reason he wouldn't want to be at the after party where his ex would be, after you 1) asked about her before going to the wedding 2) went off on him about another girl touching his hand and 3) were irritated he didn't tell you when he noticed his ex was at the wedding?

 

He was trying to be CONSIDERATE of your feelings! You WERE the reason you couldn't go. Because you were extra jealous that night and he thought going to a more intimate setting would probably make things worse for you.

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Good grief. How does he put up with you? Why don't you just put a webcam around his neck so that you can keep track of everyone he talks to?

 

You say he wouldn't cheat on you, and yet you treat him like a criminal. You hold him accountable for what his friend says. You need to get over this insane jealousy or it will be the end of your relationship, if it isn't already over.

 

Lol! Agree!

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yes i was jealous for no reason! i do feel awful that i put him into a corner. it was a bad bad fight and i feel so guilty and am having so much trouble forgiving myself.

 

i dont expect him to tell me the minute he saw her. im just saying i asked if she was going to be there prior. we have no issues with each other! shes a sweet girl and we've met and hung out before. we are very friendly with each other. i wasnt interrogating him on whether she was going to be there or not, just simply curious.

 

the part that bothered me was that he told his friend it would be weird if we were all at an after hours party together. i felt bad as if i was the reason we couldnt go, because he didnt want to mix his new girlfriend with his old. i guess from my point of view i wouldnt care if an ex and my current boyfriend were there. so i expected him to think the same, which is wrong. i know this. i just dont see the issue with us all together at this party as we all had been together dancing and hanging out all night anyway.

If you like her, then why was it such a big deal that she was at the wedding?

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I mean, yeah, you can't change what's done, so no point in wallowing. But I do sincerely hope you learn some lessons here. Just five months in and you essentially turned the wedding of a buddy of his-- pretty much the quintessential cause for celebration-- into a miserable affair. Being honest, I wouldn't bank on a recovery from here. I know my patience would be gone. Eat all the humble pie you can if you want to even pray there's a chance of recovering the situation.

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yes i was jealous for no reason! i do feel awful that i put him into a corner. it was a bad bad fight and i feel so guilty and am having so much trouble forgiving myself.

 

i dont expect him to tell me the minute he saw her. im just saying i asked if she was going to be there prior. we have no issues with each other! shes a sweet girl and we've met and hung out before. we are very friendly with each other. i wasnt interrogating him on whether she was going to be there or not, just simply curious.

 

the part that bothered me was that he told his friend it would be weird if we were all at an after hours party together. i felt bad as if i was the reason we couldnt go, because he didnt want to mix his new girlfriend with his old. i guess from my point of view i wouldnt care if an ex and my current boyfriend were there. so i expected him to think the same, which is wrong. i know this. i just dont see the issue with us all together at this party as we all had been together dancing and hanging out all night anyway.

 

He saw how you reacted to her being at the wedding and didn't want to compound the problem. But then you compounded the problem. He was in a 'no win' situation and you were already drunk, so he tried to avoid a situation that could escalate further.

 

I would cut the drinking and grasp that when you police a lover, you lose the lover. If you need help with this, I would seek counseling on your own to avoid dumping your stuff on the BF.

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