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Thread: On the right track?

  1. #41
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    This is normal OP, the constant thinking and the what ifs going at a 2000mph through your head but they all die down and eventually, without anything having to happen sometimes, time tells us the answers.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Second guessing yourself is pretty text book.
    She ended it. She wanted to just be your friend. She knows how you feel and that your wish is to reconcile. Being her friend is to painful because you are still in love with her.
    She knows all of this and going back after the fact to basically ask her if shes reaaally sure will only cause you to lose respect for yourself.
    You'll second guess yourself some more. Just learn to expect it and ride it out.

  3. #43
    Member SixOfOne's Avatar
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    Thank you both. I admit that I expected to be doubting myself, but not before the end of the day! It just shatters me that even though she was terribly sad and unhappy that I broke off the 'friendship', she basically said 'OK' and walked out the door without a hint of doubt or hesitation, and without a trace of hope. This was never intended as an ultimatum, but I could never have anticipated the sensation of utter finality as she left. She's obviously so committed to the course she's chosen, even the thought of losing me forever didn't even make her blink. In fact, it left me wondering if I was the one who'd made the mistake by cutting her out of my life, even as just a 'friend'. My mind knows it wasn't a mistake at all, but god my heart is so completely broken, and it's not interested in reason or logic or sensibility or even self-respect. Having said all of that, no I won't be asking her if she's sure. I'm convinced of that already. Or at least my mind is, anyway.
    So now my daughter and my friends are all insistent that I eliminate her from my life completely, that I should delete her from my contacts, block her calls and texts and emails, deprive her of any means of reaching out to me. And they all love me and mean well and have my best interests at heart, I know. They all say that she's going to find the dating world to be a wasteland, that she's going to be lonely some night six weeks or four months from now or whenever, that she'll realize what a good thing we had and will eventually get in touch and want to see me again. They worry that when that happens it'll undo the healing that's taken place with me, that I'll be hurt again and have to start all over again. And I can't argue that they're completely wrong. But to eliminate all means of contact is not consistent with my telling her to let me know if she ever considers reconciliation. So they're all frustrated with me for telling them I'm not going to do that, and they're really not happy to hear me say that her reaching out to re-establish connection is exactly what I hope will happen. The possibility of being hurt again is the risk any of us takes for the sake of loving and being loved, so it's a risk I'll gladly face. I'll burn that bridge when and if I get to it.
    So how does one handle the fact that the one you love has decided they don't love you, that they're also willing to face risks, the ones that include losing you forever in their quest for someone else? And if some day this loved one discovers that they made a mistake and wants you back, how do you justify their wanting to be with you by default, because it turns out there's actually no one better for them out there? And what if that never happens at all, they find someone and you never see them again? Again, the risks. In my case I see it as something she has to do for herself for whatever her reasons may be; because there were problems in our relationship that she needs to reconcile with time and space and the possibility of completely changing her life? because she's met someone else? because it's the only way she can see to begin again, whether with me or not? I can't know her reasons. All I know is that through all of this, she's done nothing to hurt me intentionally. She's been upfront with me through every step of this agonizing process, whether I liked it or not. So I find that I'm compelled to honor whatever it is she needs to do, and can only hope it leads her back to me some day. So my friends say I'm being blind and naive. Maybe so, but I find it impossible to stop loving her for choosing to follow her heart. But that's my mind talking again; my heart says shut up. So be it.

    “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
    Last edited by SixOfOne; 09-05-2019 at 11:02 AM.

  4. #44
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    Your daughter and friends are right.

    You don't delete her and remove the ability for her to contact you, you will sit and wait.

    How often are you checking your phone?

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Your daughter and friends are right. You don't delete her and remove the ability for her to contact you, you will sit and wait.
    Well it's like I told them - you may be right, but I don't think so. Anyway, I'll take my chances. She's worth it.

    But thanks for the warning. :)

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by SixOfOne
    Well it's like I told them - you may be right, but I don't think so. Anyway, I'll take my chances. She's worth it.

    But thanks for the warning. :)
    Well, I hope you don't drag it out.

    One of my friends has been waiting for her ex to come back since 1994. Not lying.

    I would hope you will know when to throw in the towel. Probably when you start noticing attractive women again.

  8. #47
    Member SixOfOne's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I would hope you will know when to throw in the towel. Probably when you start noticing attractive women again.
    I trust myself to know when, but I'm certain it'll be less than 25 years! 😄 Also, I always notice attractive women, and until the end of this relationship I was with the most attractive woman in the room. Any room.

    Thanks for your input, truly.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's easy, from this side to tell you to slam the door, but breaking up is a process that doesnt happen over night.
    You'll get there. You made a bold move and are still adjusting to that.

    Please remember that her decision wasnt made lightly. People that make the decision to end a relationship have been considering and coming to terms with it long before they act on it.

    Dont let the tears confuse you because not matter what, it is a loss for her too. But not to be confused with wanting to reconcile.

  10. #49
    Member SixOfOne's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Please remember that her decision wasnt made lightly. People that make the decision to end a relationship have been considering and coming to terms with it long before they act on it.

    Dont let the tears confuse you because not matter what, it is a loss for her too. But not to be confused with wanting to reconcile.
    Oh I know that's right. I'd been feeling something was wrong for months. Her father had died right around the time I first felt things going sideways (March '19), and I attributed the new off-centered nature of things to her grief and depression, which very well may have been the case, as it turns out. In fact yesterday she confirmed that it was around the time of his death that she became depressed and preoccupied with thoughts about the brevity of live and whatnot, and also said yesterday that she had only recently felt the veil of grief lifting from her. Maybe that's why she's now ready to get into the dating world. Anyway, yes this had been in the works for a long time, and I know it was a very difficult thing for her to do, much as it was for me yesterday. Even so it came as quite a shock to me because as I said I saw it as related to the death rather than the relationship (which it partially was, of course) and believed it would improve with time. But grief will have its way.

    And no I didn't mis-read the tears. There have been no tears from her until yesterday when I told her I wouldn't see her anymore, but they were no different than the tears one might expect from someone who'd just lost their best friend. It was painfully clear, especially since there were also no verbal reassurances of hope or expectation. I immediately felt it was really over, and honestly I doubt she'll ever come back. She's never been one to change her mind about much of anything. Even so, stranger things have happened, so hope lives on.

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