On the right track?

[SixOfOne]

I realize that for now there hasn't been.....but it's on your mind and eating at you, so you are posting here.....so it's only a matter of time before it eats at you enough that it starts to come out to her as well. So that's where I'm saying get a serious grip on that and focus on the more important things. She is actually right to step back and see how things go with you and to take it slowly. You need to develop a healthier relationship before you can introduce intimacy into the mix. I don't meant that she is withholding intentionally, just to be clear. I think she is literally taking it very slowly, seeing IF a healthy friendship, a healthy connection, a healthy relationship is even possible or if you are just going to fall right into same old patterns of neediness. Three weeks of some few dates is a very short time....yet you are already revving for more......soooo......not good.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you are working with a psychiatrist, then address your anxiety and instability. It's coming across in your posts....I guarantee you it's coming across loud and clear in real life even more so. Breathe, slow down, breathe. Change your focus.

Thank you. Seriously.

[Cherylyn]

What's the big hurry? Don't give your ex the impression that you're a sex fiend. Be patient for however long it takes. Give her respect because this is what true love is.

After NC, she wants to reestablish friendship and a relationship with you so give it a lot of time otherwise you will push her away and she will leave you permanently. Which scenario do you want?

She's testing what type of person you are and whether or not you're a keeper. If you fail, you will lose. Tread lightly and be on your best behavior always. Be smart.

[katrina1980]

My ex and I are dating again after 5-6 weeks of no contact, and we’re both enjoying it and it feels good. But there’s been no physical contact happening, no touching no kissing no nothing. Though we both admit to feeling the attraction, she says she thinks sex would be a bad idea, that it would complicate things, that she’s not ready for a more intimate relationship right now. ‘Right now’? What… just be patient? I can do that. She’s consigned me to the friend zone? Hmmm… I don’t think I can go there. Gentlemen, how would you interpret that? Ladies, what does it mean when you say that? (There’s a very strong possibility that I’m over-thinking this.😄)

Hate to break it to ya, but if there is no physical contact at all, not even kissing or touching, you're not dating.

You have a nice comfortable friendship.

I can understand her wanting to hold back on sex, but the thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship is physical attraction and contact.

If she won't allow even kissing or any sort of touching, then it's a friendship, at least right now.

[SixOfOne]

I was going to start a new post but didn’t want to have to repeat all the details. Update: my ex and I continue to see one another every week or two, always as friends only. We’re both terrible communicators, and neither of us has broached the subject of what’s going on here. I have no idea of what goes on in her heart and in her head, but the last time she expressed herself to me it was to say that she wants friendship only. So I have to go with that.

But I’m finding this to be very difficult for me. After two weeks or so of not seeing her or communicating with her, I again start to feel that I’m healing. My confidence and strength return and I feel good about life and the future. Then after seeing her, being with her, watching her leave again for who knows how long, I’m blasted and unsteady and feel I have to start all over again.

My behavior during our relationship was just atrocious at times. I was needy and fearful and desperate, and I now completely understand why she lost attraction for me and interest in me. But I’m working to change whatever it is in me that fosters that behavior. I’m seeing a phycologist, going back to school, looking for a job etc etc and all the things people do to build a life outside of a relationship. I don’t claim to be a changed man, but I’m definitely a changing man. I feel it’s crucial to my future relationships, regardless of how this all shakes out with her.

A lot was said in response to my reference about sex in my original post. This is not about sex. It’s about having hope for reconciliation, for starting again with a fresh slate, for building a healthy and sustainable relationship. If sex is included in that, well great. But none of these hopes can be realized with things as they are, with us being friends only.

I feel that her wanting to remain friends and continue seeing me as a friend is her way, consciously or not, of making it easier and less painful for her to ease out of this relationship and
move on without me in her life. Regardless of whether that’s true or not, one thing that’s certain is that for us to continue on this path is definitely not less painful for me. I’m in love with her, and seeing her as a friend, without hope for the future, is devastating.

My friends tell me to let go of the hope that she’ll ever change her mind, that things will ever be different. They tell me she’s being selfish, that she’s using me to assuage her loneliness, that I should make it clear to her that I can’t and won’t continue with her this way. They tell me to break it off and walk away forever. The very thought of having that conversation with her is daunting, to say the least. Perhaps it’s still a matter of allowing fear to guide me, but I believe that telling her this would end it for good.

So I wonder if I should retain my hope, be patient and allow this to run its own course. She’s leaving the country for three weeks soon, so maybe an extended time of NC will help me clear my head and see the right way to go.

[SixOfOne]

Alternatively, I'm thinking the smartest thing to do would be to just ask her directly 'Do you feel that there's any hope for reconciliation between us?' and hope she answers honestly.

[boltnrun]

Your friends are right.

How will you feel as her "friend" when you see her with or see social media pics of her with a new boyfriend?

Yes, you'll say "oh, that won't happen! I KNOW her, she's not interested in anyone new! I'd KNOW if that was what she wanted!" And that was said by every guy who was lurking around an ex pretending to be friends while wanting and hoping for reconciliation. It ends up being a nasty and painful surprise.

[SixOfOne]

How will you feel as her "friend" when you see her with or see social media pics of her with a new boyfriend?

I have thought of that. I don't want to be around to see that.

[ninjabib]

I don't think it's good for you to remain fake friends with her. She knows how you feel. Time to respectfully make your exit from each others lives. Sorry it sucks but its the only way to move forward and heal.

[SixOfOne]

I don't think it's good for you to remain fake friends with her. She knows how you feel. Time to respectfully make your exit from each others lives. Sorry it sucks but its the only way to move forward and heal.

I completely agree. The hard part is the abandonment of hope.

[ninjabib]

You are correct and there is no easy way to face it or right time to do it. The only thing for certain is the quicker you do it the quicker you can get back to happiness.