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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #1
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    Is he serious or am I too insecure?

    Hi everyone,

    This has been bothering me for about two weeks and I cannot stop myself from thinking about this. I am sorry for this long post and I appreciate everyone time.

    So I have been dating this guy for almost two months now. I am 30 years old and he is 32, and he is financially secure. He broke up with his 9-year ex almost a year ago and has not dating anyone since. He wanted to have kid with her, she agreed to but he found out later she was on pill. She already had someone else but he was taking care of her so she did not let him know. They broke up, and he seems to still feel hurt from the breakup.

    When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him. I have not felt that with anyone I dated after my first long-term boyfriend and I realized I liked him a lot. Before he returned from the trip, he texted me and told me he found himself thinking about me all the time, and since he broke up with his ex last year, he never thought he would feel that with anyone, but now he does, and he wanted to see where this relationship goes with me. We have not yet brought up the exclusivity topic because I believe he is a honest person, and when he said he would like to see where this relationship goes with me, I assume he wanted exclusivity. I made it known to him I wanted a long term relationship.

    At the beginning, he asked me out often and would call every night to say good night. After a month, he no longer initiates a plan for us to meet. If I tell him I'll come over during the weekend, he will say yes and he is very happy when I come over, but if I do not say anything, he won't ask either. He also rarely calls anymore but tells me I can call him anytime. He never makes plans to go out anymore so unless I want to go somewhere, we will just stay home watching Netflix. I do enjoy my time with him and he seems so as he told me a few times that he is a simple man and he just loves simple things in life, and he enjoys the day with me even if we are not doing anything. When I come over, he makes me breakfast when we wake up, he makes sure I am comfortable at his house and he pays most of the time when we go out to eat or get snacks. I asked him once if he would like us to spend the two day weekends together, he said he could only give me one day because he needed a day to clean up the house, if I were at his house both days he could not do anything. I respected that because we both work full time and I know there are things he needs to take care of before he gets back to work, but it makes me also sad because we are not spending much time together. The only thing that has not changed is we text everyday. He texts me "good morning" everyday and "good night" when we go to bed, and random things in between during the day.

    The whole "not planning" thing bothered me too much so I asked him two weeks ago what his preference was for us to meet, whether he wanted to meet during the week or just weekends. I told him I enjoy coming over just to be with him, I really do, but I would like him to tell me he wanted to spend time with me because it made me feel wanted and not that I was taking his time away when he did not want it. I did not want him to offer me to come over out of politeness for me. [I asked that because it happened to me before that the guy just found hard to say no to me so he kept agreeing to me coming over, until a day I asked him if he really wanted to see me and he said no, he just did not know how to tell me]. He told me he would love to see me, he enjoyed having me over and just spending time with me and he promised to voice that more often. But since that day, there is not much change from his end.

    My brother told me guys are like this when they are comfortable in a relationship. I understand because my ex boyfriend was like him but it was about a year into the relationship, not two months. I am okay with making plans but I am tired of having to plan all the time and he seems to be under the assumption that I will always come over, or I will call if he does not.

    Is this behavior normal in a new relationship, or am I too needy and asking too much of him when we are still getting to know each other? I feel somehow his guard is still up because he is still hurt from his breakup and so he does not want to open up too easily. I thought of just relaxing, enjoying the time with him and giving the relationship more time. My friends told me it is still very early, but because it is early, I do not want to be led on and stay with someone who is not serious about a long term relationship. I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Not all guys are the same as your guy. There are men out there who will plan, initiate, know what you like and won't let you do all the work. Men like that are considerate. They don't depend and rely on your to maintain the relationship.

    I think your guy is very relaxed with his relationship with you. He's easy going as long as you call all the shots. This would bother me because he never takes initiative. It's always all on YOU.

    No, you're not asking for too much. He should show some enthusiasm and suggest what to do with you, where to go and plan outings and such. Why should you always be his "event planner?"

    You've only been seeing him for a mere 2 months. Give it time and several more months, at least. Then see where you are. If you're still dissatisfied with him dragging his feet, then perhaps this guy is not for you. If you grow impatient, then let him go so you can move onto a man who will be more adventurous or at least initiate instead of waiting for you to do it all the time.

  3. #3
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    It is hard to be sure what's going on but his behaviour staying at his house watching netflix if you don't suggest meeting up tells me that he's either not that much into you or he's still a bit down from the previous break up. My guess would be the latter. It can happen a lot that after some time after a hurtful break up, we find someone we really connect with only to start comparing that person to (and missing) the ex a bit later on.

    From your description, his break up was one of the terrible kind and I would assume he still might not be entirely emotionally available. I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit. The ebst kind of relationships have a healthy balance between who initiates contact, suggests activities, etc. If you're sensing he doesn't care much about it, maybe distance a bit and let him actually miss you and see if he takes some action. See what happens. It might be the end of it but if that's the case, it wouldn't have gone far anyway.

    Guys who are truly interested make their interest known, unless they're players or have better options (in this case he wouldn't be that interested ayway). Unless he's depressed or something, which he may very well be from the way you describe him being happy just doing nothing all the time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He is either a very lazy guy, (which you can't do anything about) or he's not as interested in you as you are in him.
    To be honest, I think it's the latter as he has said he only wants to see you on the weekends.

    It sounds as though he wants something more casual and not a serious girlfriend.
    You've already talked to him about it, if nothing has changed, then you're going to have to decide if you're okay with how it is or find someone who takes you more seriously.

    I would call it a day. I wouldn't be okay with a guy who has become lazy and is not interested anymore in impressing me, 2 months in!! That is way way too early.

    Even with what your brother was talking about, that only happens around the year mark if not longer.
    But this guy you're seeing, it just doesn't seem like he's interested in making efforts for you.

    He's definitely not romancing you. That's a red flag and it's only going to get worse as time goes by.

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  6. #5
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    I would likely not continue dating him.

    This is the getting-to-know-you-phase, not we're-comfortable-as-a-couple phase. My strong impression is that you are much more interested and emotionally invested than he is. He is fine keeping things this casual and not really dating, but just hanging out. That says a lot. In my experience, this is not just how guys are. Guys who are into you are generally going to make it much more obvious.

    I think you would be best to call it a day if you're looking for something more serious. He's not your guy for that.

  7. #6
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    I was in a similar situation with a man I was seeing. I finally sat down and had a talk. He said (in summary) that he liked me just fine, but if I didn't make the effort to go to his place he wouldn't make the effort to see me because although he liked me, he wasn't THAT into me. He said it was "convenient " for him meaning sex (ouch) but if I didn't come over it wouldn't bother him.

    I would back off from making plans and from going to his place. Making you breakfast isn't a big deal because he would be making breakfast for himself anyway so I wouldn't read too much into that. Stop what you've been doing and see if he starts making an effort to see you. If not, well then you have your answer.

  8. #7
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    He either enjoys such a lazy lifestyle, or is not that into you. Id probably back off, he should be more excited about spending time with you and make plans instead of cleaning up the house the entire day.

  9. #8
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    Married 10 years. We still make plans in advance (although as parents we're pathetic -mostly my fault -about planning date nights) - he still asks me if I am free and makes plans even though he is not a "planner". Certainly when we were a committed couple and living separately we didn't always have specific plans for the weekend because we knew we'd be together all weekend but it one of us had something else going on we told each other in advance and we made lots of plans to do stuff either out of the house or have other people over to one of our places. I am not at all knocking couples who are good with no set plans, keeping it loose -who knows, perhaps they have flexible work and responsibilities and dislike planning. Good for them!!! Would not be good for me and it doesn't sound like it's good for you.

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    He needs a whole day to clean his house? I call bs on that. If he really loved you, nothing would keep you apart on his days off.

    I agree with the others that this is a one-sided relationship.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Morello

    I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit.
    This^ is my advice as well, what I would do and have done, and changed the dynamic.

    It's a bit of push/pull which isn't always a bad thing.

    Pull back, stop trying to force things.

    And no he doesn't need to clean his house, that's an excuse.

    He simply doesn't wish to see you both days, he needs that one day of "space" which isn't a bad thing necesarily.

    But under the present circumstances, he seems quite ambivalent and you constantly questioning (essentially seeking reassurance) isn't helping him gain clarity about you, his feelings about you or what he wants with you.

    Again, back off, stop pushing, stop initiating, start making your own plans for the weekend, and see if he steps up.

    He may, he may not. If he does not, let it go.

    .
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 11:29 AM.

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