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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I don’t know, only the OP knows. But what I do know, at least for me and others I know, is that adding a bit of distance into the relationship is often the magic sauce an ambivalent person needs, which I think her bf is right now.

    As Wise said and I agree, he’s feeling suffocated. And as a result, he's unable to gain clarity about how he feels or where he wants this to go. So he does nothing, and allows OP to do it all. As he continues to remain stuck.

    Again just my experience, but a bit of space (emotional and physical) gives your partner the opportunity to wonder about you and miss you, which in many cases increases interest and attraction.

    I think this may even be more true for men than women.

    Speaking for myself, when a man I am dating is all over me, constantly texting and calling, wanting to spend loads of time with me early on, pressuring for more, I have often lost interest or become uncertain.

    It’s the men who know how to balance that bit of push/pull, not too much space, but not too little either, who capture my interest and ultimately my heart.
    I don't think it is worth it. They have only dated two months, and he dropped interest after a month. Also, he is recently out of a 9 year relationship. I think she is a rebound.

    She should cut her losses and learn from this experience . I believe the previous bf, was also recently out of something serious. This seems to be a pattern: being a rebound and choosing unavailable men.

    OP, I would address your availability, as your choices are setting you up for failure. And as Kat and Wisey suggested, pull back in your dating. Don't be so eager

  2. #42
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    Holly, I think it might even be less than two months, since her previous thread discussing the break up with her bf of five months was on June 30th, less than two months ago. Unless the two relationships overlapped.

    Anyway, in this case, I think you're right.

    Especially the learning from experience part.

  3. #43
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    Thank you everyone for your advice. Some of you may have read my very first topic and remembered I mentioned about my breakup with my long-term boyfriend. So I wanted to talk a little bit about that relationship (and my subsequent relationship) first before I talk about the current one. My long term relationship has a very strong influence on why I am in the current relationship. This post may be a little bit cheesy and long and I appreciate everyone again for your time.

    My first relationship lasted 7 years. I met him when I was 19 years old when I first came to the US. Both of us were international students. We lived in different states for about two years before he moved to my state. He was the first person I ever love until now, the only one that gave me butterflies when I thought of him even after we broke up for 3 years. I remember holding on to his jacket and sleep when I missed him, and he did the same. We almost got married but that did not work out because his family wanted someone with US residency to help him to live here, and I could not. As the only son, he must think of his family first. That breakup had crushed me and I have not been able to forget him or date anyone for three years after.

    I dated a few people after my first boyfriend, but I have never felt myself attracted to them, so when my friend introduced me to this guy and we started talking, I was not very interested. Our first date was awkward, and I was not sure if this would go anywhere. We continued exchanging messages and calls for the next two weeks till he had to go to a business trip. I already felt differently a bit before he left but was scared because I have never thought I would feel this again after so long. I did not tell him because I did not want to scare him off and wanted time to process my own feeling. He texted me after a few days telling me how he felt, and I told him how I felt about him. We started seeing each other more often for a few weeks, and I realized I am excited to see him, I have this longing feeling I have not had with anyone and I thought it may work this time that I finally find someone I can spend time with and love. He was excited just like me, and sometimes I found him reaching over to hold my hands or kiss me in my sleep.

    Three weeks ago, I wanted to know if he wanted a long term relationship and why his previous ones did not work out for him, so I asked him about his past relationships, and he told me about his ex. Right when he said they were together for 9 years, I felt uneasy because I was afraid I could be his rebound. The way he told me the story about his ex showed me he was still in pain. His house still had her stuffs, and their photos though are no longer on the wall, but still in his closet.
    He started not initiating plans or calls anymore after this conversation. Prior to this, we were still making plans to go out together. He initiates most of our daily text messages since the beginning up until now, and I come over his house or ask him to go out. We were seeing each other about two days a week, and down to once a week after we talked about his ex. I usually wait until Wednesday to ask if he has any plan for the weekend, if not I will suggest we go somewhere, or just chill at his home, we watch movies and make dinner together. He always texted me he enjoyed spending time with me, not just for sex because many times that do not even happen as he told me once he did not want that to happen because he did not want me to think he just wanted to get to know me for it. So for me I do not feel seeing each other once a week is smothering or suffocating him. Most of our conversations are just normal, silly stuffs, and I only tell him I wanted him to make plans to see me once. We call at night for a few minutes before bed to say good night on the days we do not meet because I want to see him, hear his voice and laugh for a bit.

    The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out. We do not have the exclusivity definition. If I go out with a guy more often, and exchange the “I like you” with him, we are boyfriend and girl friend. I did not know “Netflix and chill” hangout is different from a date either because to me, spending time together means dating. My first boyfriend was from the same culture so I only know these when I started dating other people after him. As with my first boyfriend, we have been spending time at his house almost 4 days every week at the six months mark and we have never lost interest in each other.

    I am not sure how my current boyfriend is feeling at this time, if he loses interest in the relationship because I come over every week or because I do all the work, or maybe because he is still hurt from his previous relationship given it is just almost a year since he broke up, I’ll follow everyone’s advice and pull back from this for a bit. It may help him realize his true feelings for me and that way I know if he really wants us together.

    Thank you all once again! Both times when I was in trouble, you guys have been very helpful and I thank you.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't think it is worth it. They have only dated two months, and he dropped interest after a month. Also, he is recently out of a 9 year relationship. I think she is a rebound.

    She should cut her losses and learn from this experience . I believe the previous bf, was also recently out of something serious. This seems to be a pattern: being a rebound and choosing unavailable men.

    OP, I would address your availability, as your choices are setting you up for failure. And as Kat and Wisey suggested, pull back in your dating. Don't be so eager
    I broke up with my previous boyfriend 2 weeks before I posted my first topic on this forum. It did not work out for me because he did not want to get married, which he did not let me know until we had been dating for five months, and after I made it clear to him from the beginning I was looking for a long term relationship. He divorced a few years before we met, so I could not have known his intention. When I asked him "do you like kid?" and he told me "Yes I am" and he was already single for a few years, I could not have thought that he never wanted to get married again.

    My current boyfriend I knew him through a close friend. My friend told me he was looking for a relationship, so we were introduced. I can't tell if I am a rebound or not until he started showing signs. You will know more about me through my previous post.

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  6. #45
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    My apologies, regarding the first guy.

    I do think the current one is not ready for any type of relationship. You two have dated for a minute, and I do think you should cut your losses.

    I don't care what culture it is, I don't think the majority of dating should be in a house, especially after dating such a short period. You need to up your expectations and not allow this. You should be going out and doing things.

    What culture is he from?

  7. #46
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    See what happens this Wednesday. Don't ask him what he's doing for the weekend or to make plans. Wait for him to suggest getting together. If he asks what you want to do, tell him you'd like to go out somewhere. Dinner, a film, an outdoor event, whatever. And no, NOT dinner at his place!

    See what happens.

    If he doesn't suggest getting together, you have your answer. Then see what happens next week. Two weeks in a row of nothing, I'd be done.

  8. #47
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    Reading your recent post, it kind of sounds like you are both still in a lot of pain from the past and using each other to both escape it and address it—maybe you more than him even. That can all feel very intimate and interesting—it's like mainlining vulnerability—but it's not often sustainable because it's pretty pressurized. That pressure, while compelling, is generally an impediment to real connection.

    This is so new. I think, at this stage, the important questions to be asking aren't about how someone is feeling but about how you feel in someone's orbit. Are you excited and calm? Or are you bored and uncertain? Do you vibe well and want to do similar things, or are you at odds? Do you trust that there is space to keep going a little deeper, while also allowing for some shifts, or does the other person feel closed off, not ready? Do you feel yourself closing off, panicking, where you'd rather be opening up? The more we can let our own inner compass guide us, rather than using another's, the more secure we feel in the whole thing, wherever it goes.

    In other words, allow a little space for you, not to see if it triggers a reaction out of him. The man you described sounds pretty reserved, low key. Wants to watch TV, cook, rinse and repeat. That's courtship for him, at least these days. Whether that's because he's still wounded from a long relationship or just who he is—well, doesn't really matter if you want something different.

    And, like others have said, this is certainly not how "all men" are. Not after a month, not after years, and I think that statement applies to a wide spectrum of cultures. I love zoning out to Netflix, for instance, but it's about the last thing I want to do with my girlfriend or any girlfriend. We've never done it, after 8 months together. We like long, engaging conversations and wild activities, so there's a lot of that. It's fun for me—and, I take it, for her too. So fun that I don't have to spend much time worrying about how she's feeling, since most of the time when we're worrying about that it's because we just aren't feeling as excited as we'd like.

    We can all hypothesize about the "rebound" stuff till the cows come home. To me there just seems to be a pretty big compatibility gap, with the thing that is the main bonding point (past romantic pain) generally not being the right glue for coupledom. Maybe it was enough when it was unspoken, but once you brought up the Big Stuff he seems to have gone a little cold, a little skittish. If he goes cold when you're seeking warmth—well, again, that's just a compatibility thing.

  9. #48
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    This is so new. I think, at this stage, the important questions to be asking aren't about how someone is feeling but about how you feel in someone's orbit. Are you excited and calm? Or are you bored and uncertain? Do you vibe well and want to do similar things, or are you at odds? Do you trust that there is space to keep going a little deeper, while also allowing for some shifts, or does the other person feel closed off, not ready? Do you feel yourself closing off, panicking, where you'd rather be opening up? The more we can let our own inner compass guide us, rather than using another's, the more secure we feel in the whole thing, wherever it goes.

    This^ is really good advice.

  10. #49
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    The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out.

    There's nothing wrong with this--that is if there's an equal effort on both sides. The problem is that you cannot fully gauge a person's interest without allowing them their turn at reciprocating.

    There are men who are cowardly about ending the relationship. With those types, if a woman doesn't make any effort, he will let things fade away. Sometimes he will start treating the woman poorly, hoping she will be the one to break up. He feels it will be less drama if it's her decision.

    Sometimes a guy is just not that into a woman, but if she's the one hauling the load, he'll accept it for now and the pluses of occasional intimacy. Be aware though, that when a woman who does tick all of his boxes comes along, that the woman he feels "meh" about will be sent packing.

    I think it's also good to employ similar rules about friendships. I'll never ask a friend more than twice in a row to do something if she bows out. In my mind, the ball is in her court to ask me to do something, because friendships evolve, sometimes strengthening, sometimes staying even-steven, or sometimes ending. I need friends to show effort as well, because if they don't, it's a good clue to me that they no longer want to be a part of my life. And if they're not feeling the friendship is as important to them anymore, that's okay and I let them fade away because that's normal in one's lifetime.

    You're dragging out what you could've gotten a quicker answer to had you given him equal opportunities to seek out your company. Please learn from this mistake in future dating relationships.

    It's up to you if you want to give him a chance now, but I think the odds are that he'll fade away. Mixed messages, lack of effort, wishy washy behavior, and many other frustrating behaviors usually means the man isn't the right one for you. I know that when I dated my husband, he made it crystal clear he was totally into me, and it never once faded throughout the years, now a decade together. Hold out for somebody like that.

  11. #50
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    The reason I initiated a lot of dates with the current boyfriend is mainly due to cultural differences. In my culture, it is okay for the girl to ask her boyfriend out to eat or come over to his house to hang out.


    Is part of your culture to have one sided friendships and relationships? Where one person does all or most of the initiating or asking or inviting? I've never heard of that being part of a "culture" -other than in relationships that are more one sided like grandparent/grandchildren (meaning where the grandchildren might decide to be more accommodating because of the age of the grandparent/mobility restrictions) - but typical "equal" friendships -it's ok with you if the person rarely reciprocates? Certainly I can see where traditional dating where the man does more of the asking out might not be the tradition in your culture but it sounds like you're past that initial stage and doing a lot of hanging out as opposed to actual dates.

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