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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #31
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    To the OP, you haven't returned since your original post, are you reading our responses?

    If so, I would be interested in your response to what we've posted.

    Hope you're okay.

    Edit: I just read your previous thread created on June 30th, less than two months ago. My advice is to take some time to process your feelings/emotions about that relationship and subsequent break up before venturing on to another.

    Be alone for awhile, you will thank yourself later for it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 03:41 PM.

  2. #32
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    Ladies,

    Dating should not primarily be in men's living room's and bedroom's. You should be going out in public!

  3. #33
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Ladies,

    Dating should not primarily be in men's living room's and bedroom's. You should be going out in public!
    And I believe she is not referring to $ex out in public!

  4. #34
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    Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate it. I've read all of your posts and I'll reply back when I get home today from work.

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    As much as I want to advise her to refrain from doing all the heavy lifting. .she might feel a slight shift, but I don't see this guy stepping up, making her feel wanted and doing much more towards cultivating this relationship.
    She may feel better about herself by backing off, but I doubt it will do much of anything to change him.

  7. #36
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    I just thought of something, that I think is interesting.

    IMO, this guy was into her in the beginning, hence why he initiated dates and planned fun things. But something changed, and JMO but I think what changed is OP's over-eagerness and willingness to do all the heavy lifting, all the initiating, etc.

    And thus, he lost his motivation, and some of his interest. He got lazy and complacent. It sounds like there is still some interest, otherwise he'd just end it altogether; he's just not motivated to initiate, or put forth any work into it.

    So here's what's interesting. OP wrote in her original post:

    When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him.

    Note that when he incorporated a bit of distance into the relationship, by going on his business trip, the OP started feeling differently, she suddenly became interested!

    Now it was her doing the initiating, the work. And she found herself falling hard for him. Remember that saying, we tend to appreciate and value things more when we work for them.

    So why can't it be the same for him if she were to introduce a bit of distance? Such as not always being so available, stop doing the initiating and pulling back, taking her space, as many of us have suggested?

    Allowing him the opportunity to think about her, wonder about her and miss her, all of which increase attraction.

    These early stages are so precarious, ever changing, ever fluid, very rarely linear, in my experience.

    Even Shakespeare wrote about it -- the course of true love never does run smooth.

    Just a thought.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 05:25 PM.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    And I believe she is not referring to $ex out in public!
    LOL! You are right!

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I just thought of something, that I think is interesting.

    IMO, this guy was into her in the beginning, hence why he initiated dates and planned fun things. But something changed, and JMO but I think what changed is OP's over-eagerness and willingness to do all the heavy lifting, all the initiating, etc.

    And thus, he lost his motivation, and some of his interest. He got lazy and complacent. It sounds like there is still some interest, otherwise he'd just end it altogether; he's just not motivated to initiate, or put forth any work into it.

    So here's what's interesting. OP wrote in her original post:

    When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him.

    Note that when he incorporated a bit of distance into the relationship, by going on his business trip, the OP started feeling differently, she suddenly became interested!

    Now it was her doing the initiating, the work. And she found herself falling hard for him. Remember that saying, we tend to appreciate and value things more when we work for them.

    So why can't it be the same for him if she were to introduce a bit of distance? Such as not always being so available, stop doing the initiating and pulling back, taking her space, as many of us have suggested?

    Allowing him the opportunity to think about her, wonder about her and miss her, all of which increase attraction.

    These early stages are so precarious, ever changing, ever fluid, very rarely linear, in my experience.

    Even Shakespeare wrote about it -- the course of true love never does run smooth.

    Just a thought.
    I'm just wondering if her feelings changed when he started pulling back?

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    My brother told me guys are like this when they are comfortable in a relationship.
    Sorry, but your brother can really only speak for himself, not all men. There's plenty of diversity out there.

    What is your preference? Quiet and restrained? Chatty and outgoing? Right now, you seem to be attracting quiet and restrained--but is that what you really like?

    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    Is this behavior normal in a new relationship, or am I too needy and asking too much of him when we are still getting to know each other? I feel somehow his guard is still up because he is still hurt from his breakup and so he does not want to open up too easily. I thought of just relaxing, enjoying the time with him and giving the relationship more time. My friends told me it is still very early, but because it is early, I do not want to be led on and stay with someone who is not serious about a long term relationship. I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.
    One generalization I do feel comfortable making is that there's a long rebound window for a 9-year relationship.

    I think his inconsistency is normal behavior for a rebounder and I would personally not invest in a relationship with one.

    Rebounders are a mess and the worst thing is, they don't know it. They do a lot of flip-flopping and if you're too close you'll get taken for a ride.

    There's nothing you can do about the journey they are on, or the pain they may be feeling, so don't feel bad. It's just a process that people need to go through and it's best to keep your distance when they go through it!

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm just wondering if her feelings changed when he started pulling back?
    I donít know, only the OP knows. But what I do know, at least for me and others I know, is that adding a bit of distance into the relationship is often the magic sauce an ambivalent person needs, which I think her bf is right now.

    As Wise said and I agree, heís feeling suffocated. And as a result, he's unable to gain clarity about how he feels or where he wants this to go. So he does nothing, and allows OP to do it all. As he continues to remain stuck.

    Again just my experience, but a bit of space (emotional and physical) gives your partner the opportunity to wonder about you and miss you, which in many cases increases interest and attraction.

    I think this may even be more true for men than women.

    Speaking for myself, when a man I am dating is all over me, constantly texting and calling, wanting to spend loads of time with me early on, pressuring for more, I have often lost interest or become uncertain.

    Itís the men who know how to balance that bit of push/pull, not too much space, but not too little either, who capture my interest and ultimately my heart.

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