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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2

    You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

    It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating.
    Wise words from Mr. Wiseman too!

  2. #22
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I don't think his guard is up at all. I think this is a case of what you see is what you get and probably why his ex got fed up and left him. He is lazy and doesn't care enough to bother for more even though you've said you aren't happy. He did what he had to do to reel you in, but now you are doing all the work. Nice for him, not so good for you. Also, two months in and already this? Honestly, if I were you, I'd be gone already.

    Btw, your brother is wrong in the sense that no, guys aren't like that. This guy is. Your ex is. Some of that has to do with you teach them how to treat you. You are way too eager to pull all the weight even though you aren't happy doing it. Learn to step back. Also, early on, learn to observe what the guy is showing you about himself and judge accordingly. What I mean is look at his actions, not the bs poor me stories he is telling you. Look at what he is doing and judge that. Don't make excuses for bad behavior, instead consider if it's behavior you want to deal with and if you don't, walk away. Don't get so invested so quickly.
    - good post.



    . I am okay with making plans but I am tired of having to plan all the time and he seems to be under the assumption that I will always come over, or I will call if he does not.
    - Some guys, not all guys, are like this, and let the woman plan all the dates. But it's not romantic for the woman to do all the work. This is why many guys get dumped or divorced. Women need romance to stay in love with a man.

    He needs to ask you on a date (whether it's at home or out) once in awhile, and he needs to take you out on those Friday night dates out to an event or to eat.

    He's a lazy, unromantic guy. Or, he's just not that into you and it's showing up in this way. I don't see the relationship lasting. You'll probably fall out of love with him. The good news is, he showed his true colors early. Some people get married and find this out. At the least, I would date others.

    Edit: I would not bother playing hard to get - you two should be starting the honeymoon phase of the relationship now, if it was a good one. To have problems like this so early.....it's probably a lost cause.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He doesn't have an opportunity to meet you half way, if you keep closing in on the space in between.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder

    Some guys, not all guys, are like this, and let the woman plan all the dates. But it's not romantic for the woman to do all the work. This is why many guys get dumped or divorced. Women need romance to stay in love with a man.
    Right, and a woman doing all the initiating, all the planning, all the "work" is also the reason why many men lose interest, lose attraction, become lazy and either end it or fade out.

    There is a saying that applies to both men and women -- "When you work for something, you tend to value and appreciate it more."

    OP, I mean no offense but you have allowed him to become lazy and complacent imo.

    As is said so many times on this and other forums and as DF said on this thread -- we teach people how to treat us.

    Best of luck.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

    It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating. Also, he had made several references that he does not want a relationship just netfix and chill casual sex. This is disguised as "hurt from past" and quite obvious from his lack of planning dates or bothering to put much effort into this.
    I don't think that wanting to see someone more than once a week is pushing. he should be asking to see her more often.

    It also sounds like he wants to hang out at his place and do nothing. I would not put up with this crap. He is not asking her out or suggesting anything. She needs to date someone else if she wants a relationship. Not coming from this guy. He is Mr. Casual.

    OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex. C'mon. Expect more for yourself.

    It seems that you have a pattern of this behavior?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't think that wanting to see someone more than once a week is pushing. he should be asking to see her more often.

    It also sounds like he wants to hang out at his place and do nothing. I would not put up with this crap. He is not asking her out or suggesting anything. She needs to date someone else if she wants a relationship. Not coming from this guy. He is Mr. Casual.

    OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex. C'mon. Expect more for yourself.

    It seems that you have a pattern of this behavior?
    She is "pushing" because he doesn't ask her out, so she shows up for dinner and stays through breakfast. She suggests it/he doesn't resist it, so she isn't unwelcome but she has no idea if he would seek her company on his own. Does HE want more time with her? Well, she won't find out unless she stops doing what she is doing and sometimes have other plans on "their" night if he has not asked her out by a certain time during the week.

    Early dating should be exciting, not showing up to service someone

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj

    OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex.
    I agree with you Holls, he is not all that interested in her. He may have been at first; in fact from what she described of "the beginning" it sounds like he was.

    But like you said "serving herself up on a platter" by essentially doing all the work, all the initiating, along with always being so available and endless discussions about how he's not giving enough, etc has resulted in him losing interest.

    She may be able to turn this around though by following advice given by many on this thread, if she thinks he's worth it.

    It may be too late however, or it's just not her nature, in which case time to call it a day and walk away.

    JMO

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    But like you said "serving herself up on a platter" by essentially doing all the work, all the initiating, along with always being so available and endless discussions about how he's not giving enough, etc has resulted in him losing interest.

    She may be able to turn this around though by following advice given by many on this thread, if she thinks he's worth it.

    It may be too late however, or it's just not her nature, in which case time to call it a day and walk away.

    JMO
    Classic logical fallacy. Just because B follows A, does not mean A caused B. The only thing here that seems obvious is he's not behaving terribly interested. I agree less is probably more in this situation. Not because it will be effective, but because of her dignity. I really doubt there is going to be a successful end to this story. Not interested is not interested. Most of the advice out there from books and the myriad snake oil salespeople who profit from this are full of crap. I have all day for a true behaviour scientist but these dime a dozen experts are interested in profit, not your well being.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Classic logical fallacy. Just because B follows A, does not mean A caused B. The only thing here that seems obvious is he's not behaving terribly interested. I agree less is probably more in this situation. Not because it will be effective, but because of her dignity. I really doubt there is going to be a successful end to this story. Not interested is not interested. Most of the advice out there from books and the myriad snake oil salespeople who profit from this are full of crap. I have all day for a true behaviour scientist but these dime a dozen experts are interested in profit, not your well being.
    Yeah sadly I agree with you Sportster, which is why I said it may be too late. I was just trying to stay positive.

    Of course I agree with less is more, especially in early stages.

    Or perhaps a balance between the two, which is what I try to do and has worked very well for me in my dating experiences and relationships. Straight from the get go.

    But at this point, the damage has been done, he's lost interest, and once that happens it's difficult to turn it around.

    Anyway, no matter what happens, hopefully it's lesson learned for the OP.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    She is "pushing" because he doesn't ask her out, so she shows up for dinner and stays through breakfast. She suggests it/he doesn't resist it, so she isn't unwelcome but she has no idea if he would seek her company on his own. Does HE want more time with her? Well, she won't find out unless she stops doing what she is doing and sometimes have other plans on "their" night if he has not asked her out by a certain time during the week.

    Early dating should be exciting, not showing up to service someone
    I totally agree.

    I think that this would already be a lost cause, as it is hard to get back someone's respect, after we have presented ourselves as a doormat.

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