Is he serious or am I too insecure?

Hi everyone,

This has been bothering me for about two weeks and I cannot stop myself from thinking about this. I am sorry for this long post and I appreciate everyone time.

So I have been dating this guy for almost two months now. I am 30 years old and he is 32, and he is financially secure. He broke up with his 9-year ex almost a year ago and has not dating anyone since. He wanted to have kid with her, she agreed to but he found out later she was on pill. She already had someone else but he was taking care of her so she did not let him know. They broke up, and he seems to still feel hurt from the breakup.

When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him. I have not felt that with anyone I dated after my first long-term boyfriend and I realized I liked him a lot. Before he returned from the trip, he texted me and told me he found himself thinking about me all the time, and since he broke up with his ex last year, he never thought he would feel that with anyone, but now he does, and he wanted to see where this relationship goes with me. We have not yet brought up the exclusivity topic because I believe he is a honest person, and when he said he would like to see where this relationship goes with me, I assume he wanted exclusivity. I made it known to him I wanted a long term relationship.

At the beginning, he asked me out often and would call every night to say good night. After a month, he no longer initiates a plan for us to meet. If I tell him I'll come over during the weekend, he will say yes and he is very happy when I come over, but if I do not say anything, he won't ask either. He also rarely calls anymore but tells me I can call him anytime. He never makes plans to go out anymore so unless I want to go somewhere, we will just stay home watching Netflix. I do enjoy my time with him and he seems so as he told me a few times that he is a simple man and he just loves simple things in life, and he enjoys the day with me even if we are not doing anything. When I come over, he makes me breakfast when we wake up, he makes sure I am comfortable at his house and he pays most of the time when we go out to eat or get snacks. I asked him once if he would like us to spend the two day weekends together, he said he could only give me one day because he needed a day to clean up the house, if I were at his house both days he could not do anything. I respected that because we both work full time and I know there are things he needs to take care of before he gets back to work, but it makes me also sad because we are not spending much time together. The only thing that has not changed is we text everyday. He texts me "good morning" everyday and "good night" when we go to bed, and random things in between during the day.

The whole "not planning" thing bothered me too much so I asked him two weeks ago what his preference was for us to meet, whether he wanted to meet during the week or just weekends. I told him I enjoy coming over just to be with him, I really do, but I would like him to tell me he wanted to spend time with me because it made me feel wanted and not that I was taking his time away when he did not want it. I did not want him to offer me to come over out of politeness for me. [i asked that because it happened to me before that the guy just found hard to say no to me so he kept agreeing to me coming over, until a day I asked him if he really wanted to see me and he said no, he just did not know how to tell me]. He told me he would love to see me, he enjoyed having me over and just spending time with me and he promised to voice that more often. But since that day, there is not much change from his end.

My brother told me guys are like this when they are comfortable in a relationship. I understand because my ex boyfriend was like him but it was about a year into the relationship, not two months. I am okay with making plans but I am tired of having to plan all the time and he seems to be under the assumption that I will always come over, or I will call if he does not.

Is this behavior normal in a new relationship, or am I too needy and asking too much of him when we are still getting to know each other? I feel somehow his guard is still up because he is still hurt from his breakup and so he does not want to open up too easily. I thought of just relaxing, enjoying the time with him and giving the relationship more time. My friends told me it is still very early, but because it is early, I do not want to be led on and stay with someone who is not serious about a long term relationship. I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.

Not all guys are the same as your guy. There are men out there who will plan, initiate, know what you like and won't let you do all the work. Men like that are considerate. They don't depend and rely on your to maintain the relationship.

I think your guy is very relaxed with his relationship with you. He's easy going as long as you call all the shots. This would bother me because he never takes initiative. It's always all on YOU.

No, you're not asking for too much. He should show some enthusiasm and suggest what to do with you, where to go and plan outings and such. Why should you always be his "event planner?"

You've only been seeing him for a mere 2 months. Give it time and several more months, at least. Then see where you are. If you're still dissatisfied with him dragging his feet, then perhaps this guy is not for you. If you grow impatient, then let him go so you can move onto a man who will be more adventurous or at least initiate instead of waiting for you to do it all the time.

It is hard to be sure what's going on but his behaviour staying at his house watching netflix if you don't suggest meeting up tells me that he's either not that much into you or he's still a bit down from the previous break up. My guess would be the latter. It can happen a lot that after some time after a hurtful break up, we find someone we really connect with only to start comparing that person to (and missing) the ex a bit later on.

From your description, his break up was one of the terrible kind and I would assume he still might not be entirely emotionally available. I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit. The ebst kind of relationships have a healthy balance between who initiates contact, suggests activities, etc. If you're sensing he doesn't care much about it, maybe distance a bit and let him actually miss you and see if he takes some action. See what happens. It might be the end of it but if that's the case, it wouldn't have gone far anyway.

Guys who are truly interested make their interest known, unless they're players or have better options (in this case he wouldn't be that interested ayway). Unless he's depressed or something, which he may very well be from the way you describe him being happy just doing nothing all the time.

He is either a very lazy guy, (which you can't do anything about) or he's not as interested in you as you are in him.

To be honest, I think it's the latter as he has said he only wants to see you on the weekends.

It sounds as though he wants something more casual and not a serious girlfriend.

You've already talked to him about it, if nothing has changed, then you're going to have to decide if you're okay with how it is or find someone who takes you more seriously.

I would call it a day. I wouldn't be okay with a guy who has become lazy and is not interested anymore in impressing me, 2 months in!! That is way way too early.

Even with what your brother was talking about, that only happens around the year mark if not longer.

But this guy you're seeing, it just doesn't seem like he's interested in making efforts for you.

He's definitely not romancing you. That's a red flag and it's only going to get worse as time goes by.

I would likely not continue dating him.

This is the getting-to-know-you-phase, not we're-comfortable-as-a-couple phase. My strong impression is that you are much more interested and emotionally invested than he is. He is fine keeping things this casual and not really dating, but just hanging out. That says a lot. In my experience, this is not just how guys are. Guys who are into you are generally going to make it much more obvious.

I think you would be best to call it a day if you're looking for something more serious. He's not your guy for that.

I was in a similar situation with a man I was seeing. I finally sat down and had a talk. He said (in summary) that he liked me just fine, but if I didn't make the effort to go to his place he wouldn't make the effort to see me because although he liked me, he wasn't THAT into me. He said it was "convenient " for him meaning sex (ouch) but if I didn't come over it wouldn't bother him.

I would back off from making plans and from going to his place. Making you breakfast isn't a big deal because he would be making breakfast for himself anyway so I wouldn't read too much into that. Stop what you've been doing and see if he starts making an effort to see you. If not, well then you have your answer.

He either enjoys such a lazy lifestyle, or is not that into you. I’d probably back off, he should be more excited about spending time with you and make plans instead of cleaning up the house the entire day.

Married 10 years. We still make plans in advance (although as parents we're pathetic -mostly my fault -about planning date nights) - he still asks me if I am free and makes plans even though he is not a "planner". Certainly when we were a committed couple and living separately we didn't always have specific plans for the weekend because we knew we'd be together all weekend but it one of us had something else going on we told each other in advance and we made lots of plans to do stuff either out of the house or have other people over to one of our places. I am not at all knocking couples who are good with no set plans, keeping it loose -who knows, perhaps they have flexible work and responsibilities and dislike planning. Good for them!!! Would not be good for me and it doesn't sound like it's good for you.

He needs a whole day to clean his house? I call bs on that. If he really loved you, nothing would keep you apart on his days off.

I agree with the others that this is a one-sided relationship.

 

I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit.

 

This^ is my advice as well, what I would do and have done, and changed the dynamic.

It's a bit of push/pull which isn't always a bad thing.

Pull back, stop trying to force things.

And no he doesn't need to clean his house, that's an excuse.

He simply doesn't wish to see you both days, he needs that one day of "space" which isn't a bad thing necesarily.

But under the present circumstances, he seems quite ambivalent and you constantly questioning (essentially seeking reassurance) isn't helping him gain clarity about you, his feelings about you or what he wants with you.

Again, back off, stop pushing, stop initiating, start making your own plans for the weekend, and see if he steps up.

He may, he may not. If he does not, let it go.

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Dating for 7 weeks is a good time to cut your losses with someone like this. He has too many complaints, too much bitterness, he's busy dating others or on/off with his "ex".

dating this guy for almost two months now. He wanted to have kid with her, she agreed to but he found out later she was on pill. he seems to still feel hurt from the breakup.

It is too early to be this comfortable. You should NOT be the one always initiating plans, it should be 50/50. I also would not be cool seeing someone once a week The worst bit, the at home dates. NO WAY!

Does he still bring up the ex?

I could never deal with someone like this. LAZY! But, you are also a part of the problem by doing everything. I think that the has minimal interest, and you are a rebound. Sorry.

Find someone who will treat you as you should be treated.

I don't think his guard is up at all. I think this is a case of what you see is what you get and probably why his ex got fed up and left him. He is lazy and doesn't care enough to bother for more even though you've said you aren't happy. He did what he had to do to reel you in, but now you are doing all the work. Nice for him, not so good for you. Also, two months in and already this? Honestly, if I were you, I'd be gone already.

Btw, your brother is wrong in the sense that no, guys aren't like that. This guy is. Your ex is. Some of that has to do with you teach them how to treat you. You are way too eager to pull all the weight even though you aren't happy doing it. Learn to step back. Also, early on, learn to observe what the guy is showing you about himself and judge accordingly. What I mean is look at his actions, not the bs poor me stories he is telling you. Look at what he is doing and judge that. Don't make excuses for bad behavior, instead consider if it's behavior you want to deal with and if you don't, walk away. Don't get so invested so quickly.

I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.

What a person does is more important than what they say.

You can debate until the cows come home if his behaviour is 'normal'. You'll be more productive understanding that's the way he behaves and it's not likely to change. You can accept the behaviour, or you can move on.

Your brother, or any other man doesn't know how all men act in all relationships. Avoid generalizations.

I'd pull back and keep your meetings or dates lighthearted. I think he may be distracted - either unable or unwilling to put much thought or effort into the relationship. I wouldn't call him lazy or make large generalizations about his character. He may very well have some concerns about you or the relationship but isn't sure it's the right time to mention it or may be trying to work on his delivery. There may also be circumstances that have more to do with him than with you. For example, he may have allowed his house to fall in disarray in his previous relationship while getting caught up with everything. From experience (between my husband and I and in other relationships), people certainly clean their houses a bit differently. I do things in bits whereas my husband likes to overhaul the whole place and it's like Molly Maid and Co. is camping at our house.

You mentioned his previous relationship and I'm sensing you're feeling insecure about it. It's ok to feel those emotions. Take the time to work them out within you also and put things in perspective. We tend to subconsciously grasp at the other person more intensely when we feel like we don't quite have them or when we compare ourselves to an ex. You mentioned not having enough time together. Try being married to a chef (my husband's profession). Take things with a grain of salt, throw in a whole lot of humour and learn to take the good with the bad and take care of yourself too. You can vocalize and be assertive when you need to be but it's probably also a good idea to recognize your insecurities and learn to be more aware of what's hurting you, what thoughts are hurting you or causing emotions within you.

When you've got your thoughts sorted out and your feelings, you might want to speak about it with him and ask him how he feels in general. Come closer together.

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he doesn’t really need to clean the house. I myself enjoy Sundays to get the house back in shape and clean up. That typically won’t take an entire day, unless I take my sweet time and have nothing else planned. Just to throw out there that there are indeed people who find pleasure in having a weekend day dedicated to cleaning up.

Anyway, I still think his lack of initiating only two months in could mean you indeed are pushing too much and aren’t really giving him the chance to initiate. Dial it back some and see what changes.

It could also mean he’s not that into you and sees you as a welcome distraction from his recent break up.

All of these are guesses though. You’ve mentioned to him already that you’d like for him to initiate more and not much has changed. This early in he’s showing you who he is so the question is if it’s right for you. It seems you’re looking for someone more eager this early on and I don’t blame you. It’s still early days so I’d suggest dialing back and giving him room and if that doesn’t work, cut your losses.

Early on in dating my experience has always been me trying to make room for solo time vs. chasing after the guy to spend time with me.

Two months is too soon to "get comfortable." To me it sounds like after he told you he thinks about you, hasn't felt that way in a long time, he stopped initiating. I know sometimes if a guy made a big move, like saying "i love you" (which he has not yet and that's totally fine), there may be some backing off, but not just stopping the ask.

I think this early in a relationship having a day to yourself to catch up on errands, family, friends, housework is fine and good.

I think you should make him date you. Don't pursue him so much, but when you do, suggest an actual plan. No Netflix and chill. Suggest you just heard about this restaurant, found out there is music in the park, or whatever that is an actual date. Say one time "next time, its your suggestion where we should go". And then back off. Let him ask you out. It doesn't have to be expensive. It can even be the free day at the musuem. Its too early to be couch potatoes together.

Also, make plans sometimes with friends or family on the weekends and fit him in around them.

Remember, just because "he has not been intersted in anyone after his ex" doesn't mean you have to stick with him.

You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating. Also, he had made several references that he does not want a relationship just netfix and chill casual sex. This is disguised as "hurt from past" and quite obvious from his lack of planning dates or bothering to put much effort into this.

Rose and Becky made good points, but just wanted to say that my understanding of men from my own experience and other sources such as my five brothers, is that men do not typically respond to "talk" such as asking him to initiate more or asking for more time spent together, but more to "action," such as pulling back a bit, stop initiating, doing more of your own thing, and allowing him the opportunity to wonder about you, to miss you and step up and initiate.

In short, leaving him alone. A very wise poster named catfeeder has this as her signature line in fact. It's also been written about in several books by reputable authors such as Judith Sills (A Fine Romance, which Batya recommended to me) and John Gray's Mars/Venus series of books.

No need to say one word, just do it, in a pleasant easy going way, NOT as a way to punish.

I have turned dating situations around by doing this and I even incorporate it into my long term committed relationships when they've become mundane and my bf has become a bit lazy and complacent, which happens from time to time in all long term relationships imo.

It's not a difficult thing for me to do because (1) it's my natural way, and (2) I understand what draws men close and continues to draw them close.

No endless discussions about it (or any discussion really) as typically with some men (not all) it goes in one ear and out the other. Oh he may comply for a few weeks but then it goes back to how it was. Just read these boards, it happens all the time.

One thing I have learned is that you cannot change a man's behavior or how he treats you by talking, asking for more, it will not work.

All you can do is change your response to it through action, which means changing your behavior -- letting go a bit, allowing the relationship to progress naturally and gradually giving him the opportunity to wonder about you, to miss you, and of course if he does, he will begin initiating, giving more, all on his own, with no pushing, prodding or pleading from you.

Allow him to move towards you at a pace that is comfortable for him. Remain a bit of a mystery, especially in these early stages when he is in the process of moving toward you, closer to you.

If you cannot do this, which is OK, then end it and find a guy who meets all your expectations in this regard.

 

You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

 

It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating.

Wise words from Mr. Wiseman too!

I don't think his guard is up at all. I think this is a case of what you see is what you get and probably why his ex got fed up and left him. He is lazy and doesn't care enough to bother for more even though you've said you aren't happy. He did what he had to do to reel you in, but now you are doing all the work. Nice for him, not so good for you. Also, two months in and already this? Honestly, if I were you, I'd be gone already.

 

Btw, your brother is wrong in the sense that no, guys aren't like that. This guy is. Your ex is. Some of that has to do with you teach them how to treat you. You are way too eager to pull all the weight even though you aren't happy doing it. Learn to step back. Also, early on, learn to observe what the guy is showing you about himself and judge accordingly. What I mean is look at his actions, not the bs poor me stories he is telling you. Look at what he is doing and judge that. Don't make excuses for bad behavior, instead consider if it's behavior you want to deal with and if you don't, walk away. Don't get so invested so quickly.

- good post.

. I am okay with making plans but I am tired of having to plan all the time and he seems to be under the assumption that I will always come over, or I will call if he does not.

- Some guys, not all guys, are like this, and let the woman plan all the dates. But it's not romantic for the woman to do all the work. This is why many guys get dumped or divorced. Women need romance to stay in love with a man.

He needs to ask you on a date (whether it's at home or out) once in awhile, and he needs to take you out on those Friday night dates out to an event or to eat.

He's a lazy, unromantic guy. Or, he's just not that into you and it's showing up in this way. I don't see the relationship lasting. You'll probably fall out of love with him. The good news is, he showed his true colors early. Some people get married and find this out. At the least, I would date others.

Edit: I would not bother playing hard to get - you two should be starting the honeymoon phase of the relationship now, if it was a good one. To have problems like this so early.....it's probably a lost cause.

He doesn't have an opportunity to meet you half way, if you keep closing in on the space in between.

 

Some guys, not all guys, are like this, and let the woman plan all the dates. But it's not romantic for the woman to do all the work. This is why many guys get dumped or divorced. Women need romance to stay in love with a man.

 

Right, and a woman doing all the initiating, all the planning, all the "work" is also the reason why many men lose interest, lose attraction, become lazy and either end it or fade out.

There is a saying that applies to both men and women -- "When you work for something, you tend to value and appreciate it more."

OP, I mean no offense but you have allowed him to become lazy and complacent imo.

As is said so many times on this and other forums and as DF said on this thread -- we teach people how to treat us.

Best of luck.

You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

 

It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating. Also, he had made several references that he does not want a relationship just netfix and chill casual sex. This is disguised as "hurt from past" and quite obvious from his lack of planning dates or bothering to put much effort into this.

I don't think that wanting to see someone more than once a week is pushing. he should be asking to see her more often.

It also sounds like he wants to hang out at his place and do nothing. I would not put up with this crap. He is not asking her out or suggesting anything. She needs to date someone else if she wants a relationship. Not coming from this guy. He is Mr. Casual.

OP, this guy does not really sound interested in you. You are serving yourself up on a platter, by driving to his place, watching movies and serving up the sex. C'mon. Expect more for yourself.

It seems that you have a pattern of this behavior?