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Thread: Is he serious or am I too insecure?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dating for 7 weeks is a good time to cut your losses with someone like this. He has too many complaints, too much bitterness, he's busy dating others or on/off with his "ex".
    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    dating this guy for almost two months now. He wanted to have kid with her, she agreed to but he found out later she was on pill. he seems to still feel hurt from the breakup.

  2. #12
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    It is too early to be this comfortable. You should NOT be the one always initiating plans, it should be 50/50. I also would not be cool seeing someone once a week The worst bit, the at home dates. NO WAY!

    Does he still bring up the ex?

    I could never deal with someone like this. LAZY! But, you are also a part of the problem by doing everything. I think that the has minimal interest, and you are a rebound. Sorry.

    Find someone who will treat you as you should be treated.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't think his guard is up at all. I think this is a case of what you see is what you get and probably why his ex got fed up and left him. He is lazy and doesn't care enough to bother for more even though you've said you aren't happy. He did what he had to do to reel you in, but now you are doing all the work. Nice for him, not so good for you. Also, two months in and already this? Honestly, if I were you, I'd be gone already.

    Btw, your brother is wrong in the sense that no, guys aren't like that. This guy is. Your ex is. Some of that has to do with you teach them how to treat you. You are way too eager to pull all the weight even though you aren't happy doing it. Learn to step back. Also, early on, learn to observe what the guy is showing you about himself and judge accordingly. What I mean is look at his actions, not the bs poor me stories he is telling you. Look at what he is doing and judge that. Don't make excuses for bad behavior, instead consider if it's behavior you want to deal with and if you don't, walk away. Don't get so invested so quickly.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by hannahlv
    I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.
    What a person does is more important than what they say.

    You can debate until the cows come home if his behaviour is 'normal'. You'll be more productive understanding that's the way he behaves and it's not likely to change. You can accept the behaviour, or you can move on.

    Your brother, or any other man doesn't know how all men act in all relationships. Avoid generalizations.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd pull back and keep your meetings or dates lighthearted. I think he may be distracted - either unable or unwilling to put much thought or effort into the relationship. I wouldn't call him lazy or make large generalizations about his character. He may very well have some concerns about you or the relationship but isn't sure it's the right time to mention it or may be trying to work on his delivery. There may also be circumstances that have more to do with him than with you. For example, he may have allowed his house to fall in disarray in his previous relationship while getting caught up with everything. From experience (between my husband and I and in other relationships), people certainly clean their houses a bit differently. I do things in bits whereas my husband likes to overhaul the whole place and it's like Molly Maid and Co. is camping at our house.

    You mentioned his previous relationship and I'm sensing you're feeling insecure about it. It's ok to feel those emotions. Take the time to work them out within you also and put things in perspective. We tend to subconsciously grasp at the other person more intensely when we feel like we don't quite have them or when we compare ourselves to an ex. You mentioned not having enough time together. Try being married to a chef (my husband's profession). Take things with a grain of salt, throw in a whole lot of humour and learn to take the good with the bad and take care of yourself too. You can vocalize and be assertive when you need to be but it's probably also a good idea to recognize your insecurities and learn to be more aware of what's hurting you, what thoughts are hurting you or causing emotions within you.

    When you've got your thoughts sorted out and your feelings, you might want to speak about it with him and ask him how he feels in general. Come closer together.

  7. #16
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I wouldnít jump to the conclusion that he doesnít really need to clean the house. I myself enjoy Sundays to get the house back in shape and clean up. That typically wonít take an entire day, unless I take my sweet time and have nothing else planned. Just to throw out there that there are indeed people who find pleasure in having a weekend day dedicated to cleaning up.

    Anyway, I still think his lack of initiating only two months in could mean you indeed are pushing too much and arenít really giving him the chance to initiate. Dial it back some and see what changes.
    It could also mean heís not that into you and sees you as a welcome distraction from his recent break up.
    All of these are guesses though. Youíve mentioned to him already that youíd like for him to initiate more and not much has changed. This early in heís showing you who he is so the question is if itís right for you. It seems youíre looking for someone more eager this early on and I donít blame you. Itís still early days so Iíd suggest dialing back and giving him room and if that doesnít work, cut your losses.

    Early on in dating my experience has always been me trying to make room for solo time vs. chasing after the guy to spend time with me.

  8. #17
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    Two months is too soon to "get comfortable." To me it sounds like after he told you he thinks about you, hasn't felt that way in a long time, he stopped initiating. I know sometimes if a guy made a big move, like saying "i love you" (which he has not yet and that's totally fine), there may be some backing off, but not just stopping the ask.

    I think this early in a relationship having a day to yourself to catch up on errands, family, friends, housework is fine and good.

    I think you should make him date you. Don't pursue him so much, but when you do, suggest an actual plan. No Netflix and chill. Suggest you just heard about this restaurant, found out there is music in the park, or whatever that is an actual date. Say one time "next time, its your suggestion where we should go". And then back off. Let him ask you out. It doesn't have to be expensive. It can even be the free day at the musuem. Its too early to be couch potatoes together.

    Also, make plans sometimes with friends or family on the weekends and fit him in around them.

  9. #18
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    Remember, just because "he has not been intersted in anyone after his ex" doesn't mean you have to stick with him.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are overstaying your welcome. No one wants a chronic house guest. Why are you not going out on dates or why has he not come to your place for dinner, etc? Stop hanging out there. You are pushing way too hard and sound a bit desperate by inviting yourself over "just to be with him". What is wrong with your place?

    It sounds like you're smothering him. Pull way back from this. Keep your normal amount of interests, friends, activities going. Do not laser focus like this. It's just dating. Also, he had made several references that he does not want a relationship just netfix and chill casual sex. This is disguised as "hurt from past" and quite obvious from his lack of planning dates or bothering to put much effort into this.

  11. #20
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    Rose and Becky made good points, but just wanted to say that my understanding of men from my own experience and other sources such as my five brothers, is that men do not typically respond to "talk" such as asking him to initiate more or asking for more time spent together, but more to "action," such as pulling back a bit, stop initiating, doing more of your own thing, and allowing him the opportunity to wonder about you, to miss you and step up and initiate.

    In short, leaving him alone. A very wise poster named catfeeder has this as her signature line in fact. It's also been written about in several books by reputable authors such as Judith Sills (A Fine Romance, which Batya recommended to me) and John Gray's Mars/Venus series of books.

    No need to say one word, just do it, in a pleasant easy going way, NOT as a way to punish.

    I have turned dating situations around by doing this and I even incorporate it into my long term committed relationships when they've become mundane and my bf has become a bit lazy and complacent, which happens from time to time in all long term relationships imo.

    It's not a difficult thing for me to do because (1) it's my natural way, and (2) I understand what draws men close and continues to draw them close.

    No endless discussions about it (or any discussion really) as typically with some men (not all) it goes in one ear and out the other. Oh he may comply for a few weeks but then it goes back to how it was. Just read these boards, it happens all the time.

    One thing I have learned is that you cannot change a man's behavior or how he treats you by talking, asking for more, it will not work.

    All you can do is change your response to it through action, which means changing your behavior -- letting go a bit, allowing the relationship to progress naturally and gradually giving him the opportunity to wonder about you, to miss you, and of course if he does, he will begin initiating, giving more, all on his own, with no pushing, prodding or pleading from you.

    Allow him to move towards you at a pace that is comfortable for him. Remain a bit of a mystery, especially in these early stages when he is in the process of moving toward you, closer to you.

    If you cannot do this, which is OK, then end it and find a guy who meets all your expectations in this regard.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-19-2019 at 01:30 PM.

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