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Thread: NC with mutual social life

  1. #1
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    NC with mutual social life

    Hello everyone. I have currently been NC with my ex girlfriend for little over a month now. It's probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and I hate every minute of it, but I also know it's the only thing I can do now. My question is how do you stay in NC, when you've got a mutual social life? We are both into gymnastics 2-3 times a week, and this is where we met almost 3 years ago. Our whole social life is in this sport, and more often than not we go out to have a few drinks as a group. But how do you manage to maintain NC through all of that? I know dropping the sport is not gonna happen on my side.

    To tell you the truth, if she eventually came back, I would be willing to discuss it - don't bother telling me, it's stupid, because I know. She was the dumber for the 3rd time in our relationship - story cut short, she got really stressed over her studies, and I also had some bagage holding me down, so eventually I think it got too much for her, and she just stopped loving me - but nevertheless she wanted to stay friends. I told her, we couldn't be "just friends" and that I wanted to cut all contact with her, which I did. She was pretty upset about that, because as she told me, I had treated her so well, our love was true when it lasted, and she had told me things, she hadn't told anyone in her entire life - not even her parrents. So again basically she really wanted to stay in contact. There hasn't been any since.

    I truly hate that I still love her, when she simply does not feel the same way - I guess that is just one thing, I just can't change right now. I am doing this NC thing to heal, and because it would be the only way to get her back one day. I don't want to offer her anything less than a fully commited relationship, and the way I see it, she would have to come back to be, not the other way arround. I don't know how with all this in mind I should and should not react, if she initiates contact during our mutual social life just to be friendly and hang out. The only thing I do know is that I want to be the best I can be - not only to improve and heal, but also to get her back one day - and if she never comes back, well at least I got to be the best, I can be.

    So again, what would you guys do in my situation? Any advice for a poor soul?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If you've been in NC for a little over a month, have you seen her at the gym 3 times a week? If so, how have you handled it?

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    Well, we haven't begun the season yet because of sommer vacation, so there hasn't been a chance for us yet to meet.

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    There is no reason why you can't be civil. Say hello politely and how are you and then move to another conversation group.

    If she tries to extend the conversation or get you one on one, just politely say "I'm going to talk to So and So over here, I have a question for him." That way she'll know you meant what you said.

    If you go back on your word and start talking to her again she'll figure you're fine with "just friends" and contact you whenever she feels like it. And that would be a bad habit to get back into when you want a romantic relationship and she doesn't.

    Also, don't talk to her outside of training classes/practice. Not once. For the reasons listed above.

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  6. #5
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    Agree with Bolt.

    Also, it this is your third breakup, it will never work. You need to get any thoughts of reconciliation out of your mind. She no longer shares your feelings. It is good that you did not attempt friends, as it is not possible.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-18-2019 at 11:43 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Agree with Bolt. Be civil, say hello, and move on. You may need to do that a few times before she catches on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If she's not interested in you, she's not interested. Hoping for her to come back through manipulation and guile isn't going to help you appear confident or motivated in any way and she'll pick up your ulterior motives. This is not a good look.

    I agree with the others - remain civil as you would with anyone else. I'm sensing that you're deeply hurt and in a lot of pain. You may not have realized that it's really over and you are in denial. Be kind to yourself and face that pain. Be sad if you have to be sad, acknowledge that sadness but don't put your life on hold or diminish yourself through any manipulative tactics in order for her to "come back" to you. It's over.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since you know it's foolhardy to resume a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with her yet you still hang onto a glimmer of hope that you can get back together again and if she dumped you for the 3rd time, perhaps you should just settle at just being friends as SHE had suggested initially.

    It's understandable that you were extreme by severing all ties with her, however, think how awkward that is given that you share mutual social circles.

    If you never saw her again, it's easier to ghost, follow the NC rule or worse yet for other people, block their ex's.

    It sounds to me that NC rule is harder for you to cope than do what she had suggested earlier such as remain in contact as friends only.

    It's your prerogative regarding what you'll do, however I'd be just friends with her, break the NC rule and take her up on her original suggestion. She'll never come back if you're in constant NC mode with her. I'd be at least friends especially since both of you have mutual friends.

    My advice would be for you to keep the peace. Remain natural and cordial. I would even go so far as to say ~ be more than just civil. Just being civil feels aloof and cold. Be nice but not unnaturally nice.

  10. #9
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    Thank you for your responses. I'll act civil without putting more contact into it.

    Whether or not it is manipulative behaviour, I think is up to the gods to decide. I am truly doing it also to simply move on and have the time of my life. I have no intention on waiting for her, as I will not wait arround for someone who potentially never comes back. But that is one thing, forgetting about her is another one. I want to forget about her, and I don't want to be in this situation, and yet it is the one thing I can't. There was a time when she used to tell me, she loved me, wanted to get married to me one day, have kids with me, tell me where she wanted to live in the future and so on. I feel like it all changed because of both our situations, not because we grew apart or fought alot, but simply due to stress. That thought kills me, as I feel like it could all have been avoided. I know she feels very different and probably realised the relationship just wasn't for her. I had a one year relationship prior to her with another girl, which was terrible. If we one day didn't fight, it was a really good day! That breakup I could relate to, as we in the end couldn't stand each other. But the breakup with my last girlfriend, that one I don't get the same way. But again, I want to understand that it is over for good.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Since you know it's foolhardy to resume a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with her yet you still hang onto a glimmer of hope that you can get back together again and if she dumped you for the 3rd time, perhaps you should just settle at just being friends as SHE had suggested initially.

    It's understandable that you were extreme by severing all ties with her, however, think how awkward that is given that you share mutual social circles.

    If you never saw her again, it's easier to ghost, follow the NC rule or worse yet for other people, block their ex's.

    It sounds to me that NC rule is harder for you to cope than do what she had suggested earlier such as remain in contact as friends only.

    It's your prerogative regarding what you'll do, however I'd be just friends with her, break the NC rule and take her up on her original suggestion. She'll never come back if you're in constant NC mode with her. I'd be at least friends especially since both of you have mutual friends.

    My advice would be for you to keep the peace. Remain natural and cordial. I would even go so far as to say ~ be more than just civil. Just being civil feels aloof and cold. Be nice but not unnaturally nice.
    Thank you for your response, Cherylyn. I just feel like if I do, what you are suggesting, then I will never be able to let go of her. I am affraid that all of these feelings I am trying to force away that they will just instantly come back. But I don't know.

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