Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 16 of 16

Thread: NC with mutual social life

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,162
    Originally Posted by Jimraynorp
    Thank you for your response, Cherylyn. I just feel like if I do, what you are suggesting, then I will never be able to let go of her. I am affraid that all of these feelings I am trying to force away that they will just instantly come back. But I don't know.
    Jimraynorp, it's understandable that you prefer to cut her off completely because it would be too painful for you to be just friends with her post breakup. It's all or nothing for you. I get it. Well then, I agree with others, just remain polite and well mannered since you share mutual friends with her and your paths will continue to cross.

    I'm sorry it will feel awkward for you. All you can do is act natural and do the best you can publicly and socially. Don your brave face.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Jimraynorp, it's understandable that you prefer to cut her off completely because it would be too painful for you to be just friends with her post breakup. It's all or nothing for you. I get it. Well then, I agree with others, just remain polite and well mannered since you share mutual friends with her and your paths will continue to cross.

    I'm sorry it will feel awkward for you. All you can do is act natural and do the best you can publicly and socially. Don your brave face.
    But would you honestly say, my best chance of getting her back one day would be to befriend her? I know and understand that it would be a longshot, and that both her and I would have to heal and undergo some growing.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,053
    Originally Posted by Jimraynorp
    But would you honestly say, my best chance of getting her back one day would be to befriend her? I know and understand that it would be a longshot, and that both her and I would have to heal and undergo some growing.
    Let's say you "befriend" her and she takes it as the truth...that you are just fine with being friends.

    So she brings her new boyfriend to practice or to an after practice social event and introduces you to him. After all, friends meet each others boyfriends and girlfriends, right?

    Or even worse, she starts dating another guy from the group and assumes you're fine with it because after all, you two are friends!

    Don't purport to be friends when your true goal is to get her back. It's also manipulative and somewhat dishonest.

    Also, you already told her you can't be "just friends". Now you want to flip flop on that? That makes you look wishy washy. Not attractive.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,129
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Jimraynorp
    But would you honestly say, my best chance of getting her back one day would be to befriend her? I know and understand that it would be a longshot, and that both her and I would have to heal and undergo some growing.
    The best chance of getting her back is to continue to move forward and, hopefully, find yourself in a place where you're not obsessing about getting her back. Sounds ironic, I know, but as long as you are making moves with the goal of manipulating someone's feelings and controlling an outcome you are setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. Be it "being friends" or "going NC," if these are choices being made to reel someone back then you're just freezing yourself in a stunted, paralyzed state—a state where your worth and value is not generated from within but from someone else, where the wound that needs to heal is being continuously reopened.

    Breakups suck, I get it. Been there. The way you feel right now is kind of par for the course. But I'd challenge yourself right now to dig a little deeper and see what's going on. She has broken up with you three times in less than three years—not a good sign. She has told you, perhaps not for the first time, that she has stopped loving you—not a good sign.

    And you want to get back with all that why? Is it because you think there's a chance of genuine happiness and stability—something you guys have never quite had—or is it because you are in pain right now and getting back together would, at least for a bit, soften that pain?

    Trying to cure pain with the source of pain is, generally, a recipe for more pain. We don't treat burns with hot coals, knife wounds with blades. Go that route and we're prone to lose sight of what real pleasure feels like, to even mistake pain for pleasure, which I think has happened here a bit. Understandable, but still: unhealthy. So long as "getting her back one day" represents the road to "feeling better, feeling whole" you're going to be a shadow of yourself. Problem with that is two things: one, nobody likes to feel like that and, two, nobody wants to be in a relationship with a shadow.

    It's only been a month. Hard times. There's some more hard times to go through, to heal. Make healing your priority right now, because whether it's her or someone else, you don't want someone dating and being with a broken version of you. Be cordial if and when you see her, but nothing more: friendly, not befriended with ulterior motives that keep a wound open. If you can't do that, it's best to recognize that, to be honest, which might mean taking a brief break from the gym.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Let's say you "befriend" her and she takes it as the truth...that you are just fine with being friends.

    So she brings her new boyfriend to practice or to an after practice social event and introduces you to him. After all, friends meet each others boyfriends and girlfriends, right?

    Or even worse, she starts dating another guy from the group and assumes you're fine with it because after all, you two are friends!

    Don't purport to be friends when your true goal is to get her back. It's also manipulative and somewhat dishonest.

    Also, you already told her you can't be "just friends". Now you want to flip flop on that? That makes you look wishy washy. Not attractive.
    That's a fair point! I appreciate it.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    18
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The best chance of getting her back is to continue to move forward and, hopefully, find yourself in a place where you're not obsessing about getting her back. Sounds ironic, I know, but as long as you are making moves with the goal of manipulating someone's feelings and controlling an outcome you are setting yourself up for pain and disappointment. Be it "being friends" or "going NC," if these are choices being made to reel someone back then you're just freezing yourself in a stunted, paralyzed state—a state where your worth and value is not generated from within but from someone else, where the wound that needs to heal is being continuously reopened.

    Breakups suck, I get it. Been there. The way you feel right now is kind of par for the course. But I'd challenge yourself right now to dig a little deeper and see what's going on. She has broken up with you three times in less than three years—not a good sign. She has told you, perhaps not for the first time, that she has stopped loving you—not a good sign.

    And you want to get back with all that why? Is it because you think there's a chance of genuine happiness and stability—something you guys have never quite had—or is it because you are in pain right now and getting back together would, at least for a bit, soften that pain?

    Trying to cure pain with the source of pain is, generally, a recipe for more pain. We don't treat burns with hot coals, knife wounds with blades. Go that route and we're prone to lose sight of what real pleasure feels like, to even mistake pain for pleasure, which I think has happened here a bit. Understandable, but still: unhealthy. So long as "getting her back one day" represents the road to "feeling better, feeling whole" you're going to be a shadow of yourself. Problem with that is two things: one, nobody likes to feel like that and, two, nobody wants to be in a relationship with a shadow.

    It's only been a month. Hard times. There's some more hard times to go through, to heal. Make healing your priority right now, because whether it's her or someone else, you don't want someone dating and being with a broken version of you. Be cordial if and when you see her, but nothing more: friendly, not befriended with ulterior motives that keep a wound open. If you can't do that, it's best to recognize that, to be honest, which might mean taking a brief break from the gym.
    I get what you say. I truly want to get over her. But at the same time I feel torn - because of what we had. Again I truly believe it could have been avoided. I also know that if we had been compatible together we would have found a solution before it got to this. But sometimes I believe people got to grow before that can happen. But again, I get what you say, and I deeply appreciate it.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •