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Thread: My boyfriend broke up with me over this?

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend broke up with me over this?

    As a child, I suffered emotional abuse from my family that lasted for years. When I began dating my boyfriend last year, I told him that I lived with a relative and in their house to avoid telling him the truth about my actual family. I feared that if I told him I lived with my parents he would quickly pick up on the fact that we don't have a healthy relationship, pressuring me to into telling him about the abuse that I only wanted to talk about with him once we were in a good position and I had mentally come to a place where I was able to. I recently came clean that I don't live with this relative, and live at my parents house instead, told him about the abuse, etc. He responded by saying he was breaking up with me because I lied to him about whom I lived with and in what house I lived in. I'm just very confused about this situation -- I agree that I should not have lied, but I feel he is in the wrong for making the situation about his feelings rather than me coming out with a very traumatic story that I finally decided to share.

  2. #2
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    Perhaps making it a "trust issue", he could use you lying as an out to end the relationship before he went any further. Some men want perfect women and we simply don't exist. It seems like (generally) men don't like change yet women are all about it. (There is always those expectation so to say every man and woman is the same is ignorant) I mean, we try to change men all the time, right lol? The problem is, men don't really like change; for them or their partner. Women on the other hand, love change.

    Maybe when you told him about your past, his view on your changed because he's an jerk that probably very superficial. You being a woman, would probably have loved him despite of his tragic back story but really it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet. I mean, if he can't handle horrible things that happened to you as an innocent child , do you really want to worry about how he handles future issues?

    I know there is a man out there that will hear your story and love you more because of it. You deserve to know to be with a man that doesn't make you loved and supported. That is a big scar to hide and I totally understand your hesitation on sharing that with a future partner. It makes sense, at least you make sense to me anyways.

    Good luck, I hope that was helpful and you are doing ok. I'm sorry he was a jerk

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to discuss all this with your therapist, not people you are dating. Unfortunately lying is a good reason to break up. Do not "come out" with your traumatic story, dating is not the Dr Phil show. It's TMI and too much of a heavy burden.

    Use discretion and appropriate boundaries. Being a victim or creating drama is not for dating, it's for therapy.. You need to go to a doctor and get therapy. If you are over 18, move out, go to college, work productively, find a place of your own with roommates, etc.
    Originally Posted by confused0812
    I feared that if I told him I lived with my parents he would quickly pick up on the fact that we don't have a healthy relationship, pressuring me to into telling him about the abuse that I only wanted to talk about with him once we were in a good position and I had mentally come to a place where I was able to. I recently came clean that I don't live with this relative, and live at my parents house instead, told him about the abuse, etc.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You've done to him what you don't like: emotionally manipulated him. The truth was changed/manipulated in order for you to remain in control. This is not what relationships are about, I'm afraid.

    His feelings are valid as are yours. Take the time to absorb the break up and reflect a bit. There's no need to try and understand it all at once. I agree that this is a good time to speak with someone you can trust (your therapist). Going forward try to be a bit more honest and be aware if you're slipping into unhealthy cycles related to your emotional abuse at home. Try to regain trust in yourself and in others. Don't be afraid to speak up about what's hurting you (not easy!) but doing it in a safe space usually helps.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'll go against the grain here. Even though you had your reasons, lying is a deal breaker for many. Why? Because once you tell them that you lied or if they found out you lied, they can't trust you anymore and they'll always suspect that you either lied about something else or will lie to them again. This is why many people break up or end friendships. People think: Once a liar, always a liar. I know it's not fair and you didn't want to tell him about your family to avoid telling him the truth, however, once you came clean, it was too late for him.

    For some couples, they want the truth even if it's embarrassing or shameful. For some people, hiding the truth or lying is worse than the brutal truth or brutal honesty / transparency. Some people want humility from you or others. This is human nature. People are hurt when they've been lied to, feel insulted and disrespected.

    On your end, I understand that you hesitated to come forward unless you have a healthy relationship with a guy. Either he took advantage of your weakness (your lie) and decided to end it with you or he was really offended that you didn't tell him the truth in the 1st place.

    It's risky either way. Telling the truth and not knowing his reaction or lying and then he gets mad and breaks up with you.

    I'm sorry about your traumatic story. Not everyone wants to share nor is anyone privy to your traumatic story except you.

  7. #6
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    Why are you still living with someone who abused you?

  8. #7
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    The lying.

    Yes it's bad and in many cases a dealberaker, but like I've said in the past, lots of different nuances to consider, it's not always so black and white.

    I cant speak for others, but for me what would be important is why they lied.

    In this case, my goodness if I were him and cared about you, I would certainly understand why you initially lied, and attempt to empathize versus throwing it back on for not being truthful at first.

    And moving forward, stress the importance of openess and honesty

    Again, assumimg I cared. This guy didn't give a cr**, that's what this is about.

    He used this "lie" as an excuse to break up with you.

    In addition to not caring, he's weak, simply not strong enough emotionally to deal with your past, the abuse you suffered, and if you had been truthful about it from the beginning, I have no doubt he would have found another bogus excuse to dump you.

    That's all this is, people who truly care try to understand the "why" behind something before just dumping them.

    If the "why" does not jive or make sense, then dump.

    In your case, it certainly makes sense, at least to me, it's very sensitive and trust between you had not yet been developed.

    But heck, this *** just dumped.

    Imo, you dodged a bullet, guy just didn't care, I'm so sorry.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Focus on the bigger picture rather than putting fault on him. He's not a bad guy for wishing to leave a relationship that does not have the basic foundation to build on.
    The lying is reason enough to leave, but there's more to it. You very clearly aren't ready for a serious relationship. There is way too much for you to address first with your own house. Focus on those things and moving yourself forward in a healthy way. Therapy, work, moving into your own place, getting a healthy footing within yourself.

    Remember someone can care about you and yet have their reasons to not want to continue in a relationship with you. You can't build a relationship on lies and you can't expect someone to sacrifice their own interest and feelings for you. His feelings do in fact matter as much as yours. You are expecting devotion from someone who you betrayed, and that is perhaps something you learned in your family. Things to take about in therapy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's got to do with the lying and nothing else. Some people don't want to be with a liar...end of.

    Yes, you might have had your reasons but lying is not justifiable to some people.

    I don't think it's anymore complicated than that.

  11. #10
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    I don't get why you'd presume if you told him you live with your parents he'd immediately conclude you have an unhealthy relationship with them and start interrogating you.

    I know a LOT of people who live with their parents and when they tell me my immediate reaction isn't "gee, do you have an unhealthy relationship with them? Is there any abuse?"

    However, as a fellow sufferer of abuse (as a child) you do seem to feel like the words "Abuse Sufferer" or "Victim" are stamped on your forehead. They aren't. No one suspected until I told them.

    Lesson for next time. Simply say "I live with family" and if they ask further say simply "Yes, for now I live with my parents. I'm working on getting a place of my own because I feel it's time". Period.

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