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Thread: BF's female best friend - how do i not be jealous?

  1. #1
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    BF's female best friend - how do i not be jealous?

    I have been friends with my bf for the past 3 years. We started dating 1.5 years ago and are currently in an ldr til the end of the year. For the most part, it's not the best but it's alright. We skype each other every weekend.

    My bf has a close female friend that he has also introduced me to. He says they regard each other as siblings. They spend a lot of time together in school and even pick to be on the same projects together. When i was in the same country, he would always ask me along whether I wanted to join them, unless they were discussing about relationship topics that they didn't want me to hear. She's also overall supportive of the relationship in actions and words like she advised him to give the ldr a shot etc. I really believe they do not see each other romantically or sexually because if they did, it would have long happened already.

    They are also planning a graduation vacation together. just the two of them. I said I wanted to go (essentially fear of missing out) and he says that my school schedule would clash with the vacation so it's impossible for me to tag along. As a compromise he said he would go on another trip with me when I am back from the LDR, but no concrete plans yet. I know it sounds a bit shady to go on vacation together with someone of the opposite gender alone, but I don't think anything would happen. I'm more so jealous that she can have a long vacation with him, whereas when I am back, I won't get such a chance to do so (I would have school starting soon, and when I graduate, he would have graduated too and started working, so taking time off for a long vacation would be tricky).

    In the end, partially because he's going on his trip anyway, and partially because I have no other friends who would vacation with me (they couldn't take days off to travel the dates i want), I also decided to go on a trip to a place i've been dying to go with a guy friend of mine who knows that I have a bf. I know my guy friend doesn't see me that way either (we knew each other when i was dating someone else and we just bounce off r/s advice with each other, we are using the time to also catch up about our old friend group that i havent seen or talked to since my ldr started).

    My bf says that in the end no matter what his opinion is, if I don't go, I'll be unhappy either ways, so it's better that I go as long I know what the limits are. We try to do separate rooms, else separate beds to save cost for the vacation, and I keep my bf updated on the plans. My bf is more concerned that I am going on an a separate solo trip vs being with a guy friend ^^; Side note: I know if my bf decided to not go for the trip alone with her, I would just sacrifice my dream to go for that vacation as well. Of course I'd rather go for a dream trip with my bf, but he's working right now and can't that much time off. In addition he doesn't want to go to that place with me because he says it's too cold when he would be able to do so, and also he doesn't really want to blow the cash on seeing a place he doesn't really want to see. In contrast he will be seeing a place that he wants to be in during his graduation trip.

    My main issue is the jealousy that stems from not being as close to him vs her. He says that she is more important vs me because she has known him for a longer time and they know each other better than me knowing him (when we were just friends we really don't talk as much). But he also says that if we get married then of course I will be more important so i shouldn't worry.

    I asked several friends and people on the internet and most of them say I should move on because it doesn't seem I am a priority to him. They would also say that if they were him they will just spend time with me for my dream vacation (i find this unfair though? It doesn't take into account he has to decide between spending the amount of money to see something he likes vs something he doesn't like). But, it's an ldr. What else can he possibly do to show that I am a priority other than being consistent with the Skype and texting me back? I have voiced out that I feel jealous and sad over the vacation plans and that's why he said he will compromise by going on the other trip with me (probably a nearby, short one) and it's alright that he has to spend extra money to do so. He also says that their relationship is just that of 'siblings' and eventually they will be more close to their own partners but it doesn't happen overnight, which is logically true..

    I haven't told him that I feel jealous about her being closer to him, but then again I am not sure what to be suggesting to help myself 'ease' that feeling.

  2. #2
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    A bf that you've dated for one and a half years should not be telling you another girl is more important. :/ What the hell

    It shouldn't be a competition.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're learning that life doesn't come easy. It means juggling time and money at the same time plus school, work, friendships, relationships and even family. It doesn't always mean you have the resources you need to do what you might like. This is tough to understand when we are still starting out. It's ok to go through these thoughts and challenges.

    Whether you break up with him or not is up to you. You're making him the focal point when it's not really him at all or her (his female friend). It's about you not having the time at work to take off when you want to take off with whomever you want to take off with. It's about learning your limitations when it comes to navigating and nourishing relationships and deciding whether or not a long distance relationship is for you in general. You might also want to pay attention to the way a person is treating you and the way you feel. Your feelings are an incredibly rich sounding board and you'll be better able to hear yourself if you pay attention very closely to the way a situation makes you feel.

    If we delve into a lot of detail regarding his friendship with his female friend or your male friend, there seem to be some gray areas and I think it's a black hole in general. If it doesn't feel good, you have your answers.

    What I can suggest instead is turning the tables around and determining the value of your own time and money regardless of who's in the equation. Take a breather and the rest of the weekend to think about it too. Come back to this a little later with a clearer mind. Try not to gather so much information from others and other opinions that you forget to listen to yourself.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she sounds like more than just a friend. Try to reconsider this relationship.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's a LDR and won't endure anyway.

    Two's company, three's a crowd.

    Your friends are correct. You'll never be his priority. His best female friend will not go away. You should move on and consider him history.

    He's extremely disrespectful to you. He wants it both ways, his female friend with you on the side. He's incredibly inconsiderate and rude.

    You need to be with a man who knows how to treat a lady right. He's NOT for you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    There are some people who are okay with their significant other having a best friend of the opposite sex. There are some people who aren't comfortable with that, even if it's clear the friendship is totally platonic.

    I know I wouldn't date any guy with a female best friend. There is just a different dynamic I'm not comfortable with, even if I had full trust in my partner.

    Why not go for a less stressful relationship with a guy who matches you in how you like to be in a relationship? Otherwise, it sounds like you're going to be a third wheel in what should be your primary relationship. Never hope for change in the future. It's more realistic to see that the present is the reality, with no guarantee of improvements.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately she sounds like more than just a friend. Try to reconsider this relationship.
    My thoughts as well.

    Sounds like it may be a FWB situation, they know a "relationship" isn't the right path, but they're close friends and have sex.

    Hence the excuse for you not joining them on vacation (your schedule would clash). You decide your schedule and if it would clash, not him.

    Something's definetly not jiving about that.

    Do you know if they ever were in a relationship?

    I agree with Honeycomb too - if a man I were dating 1.5 years told me his female "friend" was more important than me, I'd be gone, the end.

    And something Rose said resonated with me too. Pay attention to your own feelings, how him and the relationship are making you feel.

    If his actions or non-actions cause you to feel jealous, insecure, or just plain off balance, time to call it a day.

    Life is too short for that, it will hurt at first but will give you a chance to find a man who does consider you a priority over his "friend(s)" and make you feel more at peace.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I wouldn't be around when he got back from his vacation with another woman, if I were you. I don't care how "platonic" they may or may not be, what they are doing is disrespectful to your relationship. How convenient that they booked the time when you couldn't make it.


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