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Thread: Dumped twice and heartbroken

  1. #1
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    Dumped twice and heartbroken

    We were dating for a year, and I thought everything was going really well. I was doing my best to be open and communicative etc
    And believed he was being truthful and communicative with me. When I brought up the prospect of moving in together in the future and things got weird right after.
    I was broken up with, and told that I was more stress than I was worth, that he actually hadn't loved me for a while, that I have a different view of what a relationship is because I want to hang out more than he does and that it was really hard to love me because I was open about struggling with anxiety issues from time to time. Two days later he came back to me saying that he made a mistake and truly loved me and wanted to work on things. He assured me he just panicked and didn't mean any of what he said and that he thought that is just what you say during breakups. I took him back, and over the next two weeks he was extremely loving/overly nice telling me he loved me a ton, reassuring me this was true when we were intimate as I was super nervous to be intimate again after being broken up with the first time.
    He slept over one last time and we slept together in the morning, he told me he loved me multiple times when I dropped him off at home. The next night we were talking on the phone and I said, "just checking in, how are you feeling about things right now is there anything I can do to improve?" And he sprung it on me "Actually I need to break up with you". He came over, (it was about midnight at this time and he knew that I had 2 big shows to play the next day) and told me he mistook guilt for love and that he didn't love me at all, that I have large character flaws he can not deal with such as me not being confident enough on stage (I am a musician and get stage fright, but I still play a ton of shows and no one other than those closes to me would know I struggle with this) told me that he wished I played in more bands like I used to (I recently quit a few projects to focus on one I'm really passionate about, and had quit a band because I had been assaulted by a member in it and my partner continued playing shows with this person after despite me saying it hurt me) and told me he wishes I was more outgoing (I struggle with anxiety but I still find I am a very personable and outgoing person). He also told me he doesn't want to support me while going I go to counseling as it is more stress than its worth. He then accused me of begging and pleading him to be in a relationship with me ( I did not feel I was doing this as I was just trying to share my side of feelings and understand how a switch could flip overnight). I have truly never felt so disoriented to have someone change and act emotionless out of the blue.

    I understand that it is okay to breakup, I just felt absolutely crushed as he had never communicated any issues to me and I felt that my character was ripped apart and that the breakup was my fault when I genuinely would have been so open to communication and willing to work on any issues.

    Its been just over a month since everything happened and I have found it incredibly hard to move on. He refused to talk to me for 2 weeks right after he ended things and told me if I really wanted to talk we could meet in exactly two weeks. Despite me asking for sooner, I had to wait for 2 weeks (I can understand boundaries, I just felt like it was a way to control my response as I was really upset and he wasn’t taking any accountability =( ). I had asked for him to meet me in the middle at under two weeks so I could move forward, but got no response.

    When we met, I found myself apologizing for being emotional and hurt, and he stated that "good, you should be sorry” and that “He said some , but wouldn't have had to say any of it if I hadn't pressured him for reasons and he needed to say those things in order for me to know his decision was final"

    After all of this, I have been feeling really low on myself. I feel embarrassed that I reacted so emotionally and sent him texts going back and forth between being sorry, angry, and missing him. I also feel embarrassed that I ended up being the one to apologize/feel like I did something wrong when he was the one who dumped me suddenly and had essentially lied to me for months while continuing to have sex with me and tell me he loved me.

    How can I begin to move forward? I feel really lost and hurt. I feel I am longing for him to acknowledge that how he treated me at the end was incredibly hurtful instead of the "Breakups always suck, it would have been out of the blue no matter what, you are over reacting and not being pragmatic" responses that I have received

  2. #2
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    You had a rebuttal for every single one of the points he brought up. So that means you disagree with him. Which in turn means you two have a different view of relationships and therefore are not compatible.

    Delete his number and contact info so you're not tempted to contact him to ask for answers. The last times you did that just ended up hurting you even more.

    I'm sorry, I know this is painful. Time and distance are really the only cures.

  3. #3
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    Your ex is a complete POS! He is downright cruel and abusive. Unfortunately, he has exhibited this behaviour for awhile - one being, playing with someone who assaulted you. This guy never had your back.

    He did you a favour by breaking up with you. I strongly suggest you address your choices in men. This guy is a creep!

    Block and delete!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's not a very pleasant person but I'm also sensing that you're very skittish and have some issues regarding sex and intimacy in relationships. This will cause a lot of ripple effects throughout the relationship if you've not learned a bit more about why sex or intimacy triggers you to feel anxiety. You've asked for reassurance at odd times. I'm referring to the phone call asking if there's anything you can do to improve. I'm not sure what outcome you might have been intending. In general, most people don't want to feel like they have to over-guide their partners. The burden you're placing on a person to govern personal interactions and your own discretions is far too great if you're not doing the bulk of that yourself. That's what anxiety and fear can do. It tends to disable us in ways that can be debilitating. If you're experiencing severe anxieties you'll have to learn how to understand them, your own anxiety, and re-learn how to govern your own actions and thoughts independently.

    I understand you're looking for love and feeling tremendously neglected and very destabilized by his behaviour and mannerisms around you. My thoughts are that he's lost control of his temper because of the imbalances in the relationship related to discretion and autonomy (your own ability to discern and determine what's appropriate). It's also inappropriate to ask to meet with someone who doesn't want to meet with you. Yet you asked to meet sooner than the agreed time and still believe he's not being accountable. I think he is not able to understand you but you do still try to assert control over the situation especially when you don't have control over it. This to me is a classic symptom of anxiety. I don't feel a large part of his reactions were necessary but they are indicative that something is very imbalanced in this relationship. I don't feel he is equipped to understand you or you him.

    Try taking a breather and resist the urge to place blame regarding accountability at this point because the relationship is over and there is nothing to work out between the both of you regarding ongoing responsibilities. If you've got an appointment with a counsellor or a therapist to help you, it's a good idea to look forward to those and spend a bit more time reflecting and engaging in interests that create safe zones (without triggers and items that antagonize your emotions or your anxiety). Right now you're not feeling good and in a lot of confusion and pain. One day at a time.

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  6. #5
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    ...What is fck is wrong with him. That is incredibly traumatising my God, my heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself!! Block this guy, he is cruel and you don't deserve to be made to feel lower than you already feel. Stay away for good. It's difficult to accept the image of him in your head with what he really is. He shouldn't have been so thoughtless and so lacking in empathy. Be gentle with yourself, it would have hurt anyboy. :(

  7. #6
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    OP, you never deserved to be treated like this. You had nothing to apologize for..

    Take a long break from dating and heal. And please do not ever allow this treatment.

    OP, I read your history, it seems that you have a pattern of dating abusive men. Have you addressed this with a professional? You need to understand what attracts you to this dynnsmic.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you. You've engaged an unfortunate combo that pitted your investment in emotional assurances against the guy's resentment toward being relied upon to give them. Those two opposites created a perfect storm of incompatibility, and he came out sideways on you.

    Instead of beating yourself up, or continuing to feed your desire to 'get' him to deliver a final emotional assurance that you're so right, and he's so horrible, why not figure out what you can learn from this, instead?

    What do you believe might be valuable to take away from this experience that can build some confidence in your ability to navigate relationships in the future?

    I'd start there, and I'd make it my private goal to impress myself with my own resilience as I move forward. Not every breakup needs a villain. Sometimes it's just a valuable learning experience about what we DON'T want in the future--and also about who we do NOT want to become for the next person we love.

    Head high.


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