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Would it be stupid if I reach out for him now?


yasu

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Hey guys,

Here's this silly little story I'm too ashamed to even tell my friends I'm still thinking about sometimes.

 

First, I know the whole thing is cheesy but I can't explain my emotions:

About a year ago I met by chance this guy.

He invited me for a coffee. We started talking and were surprised to find out that we have so much in commun, same taste in books, movies, music, beliefs, lifestyle. Same *everything* (and it's so rare). My favourite poem was his too. The sexual attraction between us was insane. It was so intense, unique, like we knew each other from a long time.

The coffee became lunch, drink, dinner.. and as the hours passed I had this feeling that I was falling in love.

 

He was in town just for a couple of days, I've seen him 3 times on campus after that. He made me listen to a song about how sometimes we completely fall in love with someone and have to leave for another life/partner and he moved from town.

 

He sent me texts, calls and drunk calls from time to time but since I wanted more I moved on.

3 months later he insisted to see me, he said he couldn't get me of his mind since we met and wanted to know if it was mutual. He said he didn't want to walk away from what we could have .

 

But..I got the impression like he wouldn't bother to come see me if sex isn't included, and I wasn't okay with that.

 

Then there was a misunderstood and he ended up telling me that he has a girlfriend (in france back then) and he was tempted to cheat on her with me but he wouldn't make that mistake. Of course I was offended. He apologized many times and wanted to be friends. I finally accepted but we never talked to each other since then.

 

He sent me a friend request months later that I declined, then another one last month with "I hope you're doing fine, and I hope fate will unite us one day" (Translantion :D). I just said life is full of surprises and declined this one too.

And he blocked me this week out of the blue from facebook.

 

I'm still thinking about him often, even more after my recent breakup and no matter how many people I meet a small part of me thinks that it would be better with him.

 

I'm aware that it must be idealization but I'm just wondering, would it be THAT stupid if I call him someday and suggest go and see him, no sex, just to hang out, talk and say goodbye properly?

 

Btw we're 22 and 24 yo, and sorry for my english as usual.

 

Thanks

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And he blocked me this week out of the blue from facebook.
So he blocks you from facebook and NOW you want to contact him to meet up when all along you have been either ignoring him or turning him down. ???

 

He's got a girlfriend or, if he doesn't now, you know that he's capable of pursuing other woman while in a committed relationship so why go see someone like that, particularly when he lives long distance?

 

Put him out of your mind, stop idolizing the little time you had together and put yourself out there in the dating scene to meet someone who lives local that you will find just as good of a connection with once you have let yourself get to the stage of indifference to him. No one is going to seem as good as him when you have him on such a lofty pedestal.

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Short answer: yeah, it would probably be close to “THAT stupid,” at least in the way you’ve phrased it.

 

You want to call him some day and say hi, see if the timing is right to connect in some way or another? Cool, go for it. But to call him with a series of caveats, and with the hope of saying “hi” in order to “say goodbye properly?” Well, that’s just drama. Hard for something to not be weird when it’s front-loaded with an avalanche of weird, you know?

 

I think your instincts so far have been really spot on. For all the chemistry and shared interests, something is telling you that fostering the connection isn’t the healthiest move. Understandable. That early connection was actually made when he had a gf, lied about it, and, at least emotionally, did to some degree cheat on her. The super awesome guy you’re into is also the kinda sketchy guy you’re justly wary of.

 

Ugh. Happens. Been in your shoes here and there, and I’m sure I’ve worn his as well. I say keep living your life, observing these thoughts and feelings a bit. When and if the time is right to say hi it will be so natural that you’ll just do it, not fretting, not poling people for opinions, and not too concerned with what “hi” will mean because it will just mean hello.

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I feel like you're daydreaming a bit and wondering outloud which is fine. It's ok to daydream but I don't think it's realistic to see him again. Give yourself time to breathe. You said you've just broken up with someone else also. I think you're feeling lonely and that's ok too. Take the time to heal from your break up and daydream about all the good things you want in your life but know where to draw the line. I don't suggest contacting anyone you've had a history with if he/she is in a relationship. It's disrespectful and it'll cause further confusion for you.

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We started talking and were surprised to find out that we have so much in commun, same taste in books, movies, music, beliefs, lifestyle. Same *everything* (and it's so rare). My favourite poem was his too.

 

Maybe this is just a function of being old and jaded - but to me this is a huge turn OFF, not a turn ON.

 

Why?

 

Because 9 times out of 10, when this happens, they are lying. It’s a game. They will ask you what your favorite dog is, you say “poodle” and then they will list all the reasons why poodles are great. It’s a fake way to make you feel connected. When you actually get to know them over a period of months or years, you will learn that they don’t even like dogs at all.

 

It’s not normal or natural for two people to be exactly alike. People are like snowflakes. We are all different.

 

... and really, why would you want to date yourself?! That would get boring after a while. Don’t you want to date someone who is different - who can introduce you to new things and help you to learn and grow??

 

... and he has a girlfriend that he was willing to cheat on (so clearly he IS a liar...)

 

... and you don’t think he wants to see you unless sex is involved...

 

I would not call this guy. Not at all.

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yasu, I truly believe there certain people in this world that we once connected with, albeit briefly, but for some reason it wasn't the right time or whatever, but who will always remain "with us" on some level.

 

Re this guy, something was there imo and probably still is. Not sure whether it was fear that prevented either of you from moving it forward (my guess is it was) but my feeling is if you want to reconnect, be clear about what you want to happen.

 

Begin seeing each other, for real? Develop a relationship? Again be clear on that

 

Do not get in touch if what you want is to say a proper goodbye, that would be stupid imo.

 

It's not really what you want anyway, is it? You want to reconnect so own that!

 

Be honest and real about that, it's the only way.

 

Be sure you're emotionally prepared and ready for it.

 

If not, do not reach out!

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Your answers made me feel even more stupid tbh haha but I needed that, thank you.

 

Actually I never wanted to date him, even before I knew about his gf and that's why I never asked him if he had one. I knew things would have never worked as long as he lived far away.

 

I just kinda wished we would stay close to some level, be in each other lives, and meet whenever possible. I know we could have os much fun. OR, if I knew that we'll never meet again, I would have just kissed him goodbye and never text or call again.

 

But things he said those next months ruined everything and it was frustrating for both of us and I guess that's why he keep reappearing too and feels the need to block me a year after we met.

(And no btw he wasn't lying about things he liked, it wasn't just a "me too" case).

 

I thought of meeting up just to clear all the resentment and evaluate all possibilities based of the new circumstances. But yeah guess that was dumb and I must feel lonely too.

Thanks guys

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Not sure if you read my post, but I don't think it's stupid to reach out to someone who once meant something to you, and still does.

 

Any why is he a loser?

 

I think there was an attraction, perhaps still is, but missed opportunities on both sides.

 

He finally told you he had a gf but would never cheat on her, even though a part of him wanted to.

 

This hardly makes him a loser. To the contrary, it makes him human and reflects integrity.

 

Jmo of course, but nonetheless don't ever think that reaching out to someone you still care about is "stupid."

 

Good lord, what has this world come to when we're discouraged from expressing a thought, feeling or kindness for fear of it being considered "stupid."

 

Even if the result wasn't what you hoped it would be, it's still not stupid.

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Personally I DO think it would be stupid and hinted at that in my first post while saying why it would be.

 

However we all have our own opinions and I respect yours, Kat. :)

 

Thnx T, I respect yours too.

 

And everyone's even though I often disagree.

 

Hope everyone has a good evening. :)

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Thnx T, I respect yours too.

 

And everyone's even though I often disagree.

 

Hope everyone has a good evening. :)

 

I think she would be playing with fire. Clearly, there is flirting/attraction and it could somewhere if they met up. Also, he lives in another country, and they don't really know one another. It's not like he is a longtime friend.

 

I think it's best to leave it be.

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ThatwasThen

I know it sounds like " you block me so now I wanna chase you" but that's not the case. Times when he contacted me I was hurt, then I had a boyfriend, and the last time my ex was still trying to fix things between us. It was not the right time. My interpretation of that was just that I still cross his mind.

 

Katrina

thank you for your posts, in my 20's I know I'm a naïve and idealistic person and the world isn't a nice place, that's why I have to ask for stranger's opinions about my life now, but I'm learning haha.

Anyway, I think I'm going to wait few more weeks to feel better about myself and figure out what I want from him before I contact him (and if I'm still sure to want it).

In the worst case, it wouldn't be so good for my pride but I'll survive it. I'm 100% sure I don't want to be his girlfriend for now anyway. And as I know him a little bit better I'll be careful.

 

Thanks again for all your answers.

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When a guy is in an exclusive relationship and says something to another woman, would he say the same thing to her if his girlfriend/wife was in the room? If the answer is no, he has crossed relationship boundaries.

 

I wouldn't spend another second of my emotional energy on someone who doesn't know how to behave properly while in a romantic relationship.

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OP, Would you be cool if you learned that your bf was doing this? Put yourself in the bf's shoes.

 

Maybe, you were planning to hang with the gf, too? That would be okay.

 

Of course no. I was put in a similar situation in the past and was honnest from the start to both of them about the whole thing and let each one make their own decision.

 

I don't think they're still together since *he* contacted me recently. And I don't think I've done anything wrong I backed off the minute I knew about her, and even earlier. And if he have someone in his life I will leave him alone like I'm used to do.

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Yes he said he was "tempted" to cheat on his gf with OP but he did not, to me that says a lot, in a good way.

 

Jmo but to believe your long term partner will never feel temptation is naive; it's how you choose to react to that temptation is what's important.

 

Do you act on the temptation? Or not?

 

He did not act on it, which again speaks volumes. Jmo.

 

He also blocked her which tells me, at least at that time, he wanted to focus on his current relationship.

 

Yasu said he and gf have since broken up and he reached out, which yasu ignored.

 

That's how I'm reading the situation anyway, I could be wrong.

 

That said, yasu I think it's good you decided to wait a bit.

 

Gain clarity and then decide.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

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I was under the impression that he blocked her this week, "out of the blue," and that it was being blocked, at least in part, that amped up the interest in reaching out. He is slipping away a bit, after being closer in orbit, so there's a natural urge, perhaps amplified since she's processing a recent breakup, to shorten the orbit, to bring back that "maybe one day someday" comfort that they each represent to the other.

 

My general feeling, as I put it in my first post, is that it's fine to reach out...when, for whatever reason, it doesn't feel like a big deal. You're lonely, wistful, randy, curious, friendly, bored, whatever. You say hi, see what's what.

 

What's typically what, in these moments? You get a nice, distracting banter. Some flirtation. Maybe some sex. The retriggred excitement of a fierce, but just slightly unsustainable, connection. Fun stuff—fun, in part, because it exists just on the other side of reality. Then, eventually, reality intercedes and things kind of fade back out, hopefully with not too many jagged edges. Net positive—if that's your thing. It's been my thing plenty, especially when I wasn't super interested in partnership.

 

In rarer cases? A genuine friendship forms where there was once sexual fission, perhaps after two or six more of these moments. Super rare, and mainly in the movies? Something deep, sustaining, and romantic unfolds—now that the time is right, that the two people have grown a bit, and so on.

 

In this specific case? I think OP is feeling the itch for less than ideal reasons. She's blocked. That sucks. She's newly single. That sucks. She's wondering if she's having "stupid" thoughts. That sucks. She'd like all that to suck a little less. Understandable. But engaging in a nerve-wracking situation in order to quell nerves rarely works. Better to engage when the nerves are settled, the irony being that engagement often feels less pressing in that state.

 

I don't think dude is awful, a loser. But he's left a sour mark, understandably. And it's still there, for the time being. Why reach out to someone who has left a sour taste in your mouth in the hopes of tasting sweetness?

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Blue, I just read back and I think you're correct; what's unclear though is why, so it's possible it was because he realized this flirtation was wrong and wanted to focus on current gf.

 

Or it could be some sort of test; it all sounds very ambiguous to me.

 

Life has so many various nuances it's never so black and white.

 

What I'm sensing is that there was, and still is an attraction, missed opps, mixed messages on both sides.

 

Since yasu said he and gf broke up, I think it's worth another conversation, perhaps the timing is better, perhaps not.

 

Life is so short, don't let fear, pride, ego prevent you from taking risks that could very well lead to something great -- or not.

 

No matter what happens though, you learn, grow, evolve.

 

Re this thing about him feeling tempted to cheat and therefore a loser d-bag, I just don't agree.

 

Bottom line, he did not act on that temptation, he did not cheat.

 

I dunno, it's possible my thought process is off, but these are my feelings about it fwiw.

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