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Thread: Just want to vent...

  1. #1

    Just want to vent...

    I donít really like talking about my feelings with people because I feel like often times people ĎI thinkí I can trust are dismissive of what Iím feeling. Thatís why this post is mainly just to vent what Iíve been feeling since the beginning of this year.

    I donít even know where to start but I feel like Iíve slowly become numb and I donít think itís normal that I havenít cried about my problems when I remember myself being an emotional and sensitive person years ago... Iíd cry over something so small or anything that would just tug gently at my heart strings and now it takes a lot more than a tragedy to make me cry... Anyways, last year I was talking to a guy whom I had attended high school with (through social media) We had a great time talking - or at least thatís what I thought. He was the one who seemed like wanted a relationship with me (more than I did) and would call me Ďbabeí or Ďbabyí after only talking for about a month. We went on two dates and after that he just completely ghosted me.
    I was okay with that, I mean I was obviously hurt but it was fairly easy for me to move on because we werenít really dating. However, I thought it was because of my appearance. I thought that he just didnít like me because I was Ďbigí. So after that I decided to lose weight.

    Flash forward to March 2019, I began my weight loss journey and from March to now Iíve managed to lose 25lbs. I want to be as honest as possible so most of that weight loss was because Iíd starve myself or throw up my food. I KNOW thatís bad but I was THAT desperate. I know now that, that wasnít the way I shouldíve done things and Iíve corrected my mistakes since then.Iíve always been so insecure with the way I look. Iíve always felt ugly. Iíve always felt fat and I donít want to put the blame on anyone but I feel like Iíve never felt good enough because the attention was never really on me and always on my siblings who were prettier and skinnier. I love my siblings and I donít want to blame them but thatís just how I feel. I know itís an evil thing to say and I feel disgusting for having this mentality but when you have people constantly trying to talk or get close to you (getting your hopes up) only because they want to get closer to your siblings - it just really makes you feel so worthless.

    Over the months Iíve had guys want to talk to me or hang out with me but I just canít bring myself to reply or keep a conversation going with these guys... Itís really not because I feel like Iím better than them or because I feel like I can do better... I donít know what it is.
    And I feel like itís reflected on my relationships with friends too. I have very little friends and the very little friends I do have are lifelong friends. Iím 23 but these are people Iíve kept in my life for 7+ years. But I have this one male friend who I know really likes me. I donít feel that way about him and he knows that. The thing is that I WANT to talk to him because heís an amazing friend and heís always been there for me but I canít talk to him and give him false hope. I donít want him to think ĎSheís being nice! Itís because she likes me tooí I donít want that. Itís hard to softly ignore him because 1) I donít want to and 2) I donít want to hurt his feelings.

    Iíve thought long and hard about it and I donít like him romantically but I canít help shake off that I enjoy talking to him because heís the only person I want to talk to. Itís left me wondering if Iím just a shallow person who doesnít like him because of his looks but it canít be that because I think heís very attractive but thatís not enough for me. Our relationship is quite complicated because I KNOW him and the way he is. Iíve liked him and he hasnít liked me back, then heís liked me and I havenít liked him back. Weíve had that cycle go on for the 12 years Iíve known him. I also know that he tends to have crushes on different girls every other week. I canít take his confessions seriously when heís displayed behavior like that in the long time Iíve known him. Could it really be that I donít want him as a boyfriend because I donít think heís boyfriend material? I donít know what to do...

    All my life Iíve always been in relationships with the same type of men. The first person I ever fell in love with cheated on me with a family member and also broke up with me after he slept with me. That was so painful for me. I lost my virginity to someone who I thought loved me too but left me feeling stupid after getting what he wanted. I was only 16.

    The second person I loved strung me along for years, always promising me a relationship - but then always going back to an ex. When we finally were in a relationship everything seemed good but towards the end I found out he was a liar. He hid so many things from me and then got mad at me for breaking up with him. He has so many problems, he would go weeks without talking to me and it was just a lot to handle while being a senior in high school trying to graduate.

    The third person I loved was a sweet talker but he was manipulative and narcissistic. He always made me feel like it was me and that I wasnít putting in effort to make things work. It was always him first and it was always what he wanted.

    Given my relationship history I feel like I have a type Iím attracted to, even without realizing it until Iím actually in a relationship with that person. I just donít know what to do really... I donít think Iím depressed but at times I feel so sad and so lonely. I constantly ignore the only people trying to reach out to me and I donít know why I let this self destructive behavior continue. The only person I WANT to talk to is the only person I canít talk to. I feel like my head might just explode because of how constantly I think about all of this.

    I know this post is all over the place but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of what Iíve just wrote. Thank you for hearing me out. I truly appreciate you, whoever you are.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    You need to cut off the fake friendship you have with this guy you know likes you. He is a friend with an agenda.
    Doesnít make him a bad person , just someone wanting more and ďthere for youĒ but only because he wants more from you.

    Stop being selfish here and let him go! ???

  3. 08-03-2019, 07:52 AM

  4. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Have you sought therapy and a nutritionist?

    You cannot continue the friendship, if you know likes you. It will end badly, with hurt feelings.

    What are you doing to meet new friends? Have you tried looking into groups online that share your hobbies, Volunteering, Meetups etc...?

    Please seek therapy!

  5. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    What you're lacking is other friends. Friends who have no idea who this guy is, or who any other people in your life are. New friends.

    You're 23? What are you doing now....school, working? You'll have to pull yourself out of your current comfort zone and meet some new people, to expand your mind.

    Since you know you want to lose weight, but you now recognize that you want to do it in a healthy way, look for groups in your area that align with that: yoga, CrossFit, nutrition groups, etc. You can find a lot of these on meetup, and many are free. People in similar situations as you, and likely have very similar feelings. The starve/binge/vomit cycle is a desperate reaction, is only a short-term solution, and as you know, can be very dangerous.

    Seems like you've suffered low self-esteem, allowing yourself to be hurt repeatedly, because you probably don't realize your worth. For that, you need deep-dive counseling, to get at the root of it. Look for counselors in your area who specialize in self-esteem issues, and find a therapist who can let you vent, and can guide you to a good path. psychologytoday.com is a good place to start.


  7. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    I think you owe it to yourself to get yourself into personal therapy so that you learn to love you, you learn how to nurture your inner child and you gain the self-worth you need to keep yourself confident and free of the negative mindset you are currently stuck in.

    Please do something for YOU and get working with a counsellor you trust and can gel with. someone who can help you get to the bottom line of why your self-esteem isn't up to par. You will be glad you did.

  8. #6
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.

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