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Thread: Would it be stupid if I reach out for him now?

  1. #21
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    I don't think you have done anything wrong, but don't see what you have to gain from this.

  2. #22
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    What do you hope will be the result of reaching out? What you REALLY hope will happen because it doesn't make sense to reach out and reconnect just to say goodbye.

  3. #23
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    Yes he said he was "tempted" to cheat on his gf with OP but he did not, to me that says a lot, in a good way.

    Jmo but to believe your long term partner will never feel temptation is naive; it's how you choose to react to that temptation is what's important.

    Do you act on the temptation? Or not?

    He did not act on it, which again speaks volumes. Jmo.

    He also blocked her which tells me, at least at that time, he wanted to focus on his current relationship.

    Yasu said he and gf have since broken up and he reached out, which yasu ignored.

    That's how I'm reading the situation anyway, I could be wrong.

    That said, yasu I think it's good you decided to wait a bit.

    Gain clarity and then decide.

    Best of luck whatever you decide.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I was under the impression that he blocked her this week, "out of the blue," and that it was being blocked, at least in part, that amped up the interest in reaching out. He is slipping away a bit, after being closer in orbit, so there's a natural urge, perhaps amplified since she's processing a recent breakup, to shorten the orbit, to bring back that "maybe one day someday" comfort that they each represent to the other.

    My general feeling, as I put it in my first post, is that it's fine to reach out...when, for whatever reason, it doesn't feel like a big deal. You're lonely, wistful, randy, curious, friendly, bored, whatever. You say hi, see what's what.

    What's typically what, in these moments? You get a nice, distracting banter. Some flirtation. Maybe some sex. The retriggred excitement of a fierce, but just slightly unsustainable, connection. Fun stuff—fun, in part, because it exists just on the other side of reality. Then, eventually, reality intercedes and things kind of fade back out, hopefully with not too many jagged edges. Net positive—if that's your thing. It's been my thing plenty, especially when I wasn't super interested in partnership.

    In rarer cases? A genuine friendship forms where there was once sexual fission, perhaps after two or six more of these moments. Super rare, and mainly in the movies? Something deep, sustaining, and romantic unfolds—now that the time is right, that the two people have grown a bit, and so on.

    In this specific case? I think OP is feeling the itch for less than ideal reasons. She's blocked. That sucks. She's newly single. That sucks. She's wondering if she's having "stupid" thoughts. That sucks. She'd like all that to suck a little less. Understandable. But engaging in a nerve-wracking situation in order to quell nerves rarely works. Better to engage when the nerves are settled, the irony being that engagement often feels less pressing in that state.

    I don't think dude is awful, a loser. But he's left a sour mark, understandably. And it's still there, for the time being. Why reach out to someone who has left a sour taste in your mouth in the hopes of tasting sweetness?

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  6. #25
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    Blue, I just read back and I think you're correct; what's unclear though is why, so it's possible it was because he realized this flirtation was wrong and wanted to focus on current gf.

    Or it could be some sort of test; it all sounds very ambiguous to me.

    Life has so many various nuances it's never so black and white.

    What I'm sensing is that there was, and still is an attraction, missed opps, mixed messages on both sides.

    Since yasu said he and gf broke up, I think it's worth another conversation, perhaps the timing is better, perhaps not.

    Life is so short, don't let fear, pride, ego prevent you from taking risks that could very well lead to something great -- or not.

    No matter what happens though, you learn, grow, evolve.

    Re this thing about him feeling tempted to cheat and therefore a loser d-bag, I just don't agree.

    Bottom line, he did not act on that temptation, he did not cheat.

    I dunno, it's possible my thought process is off, but these are my feelings about it fwiw.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-17-2019 at 11:49 AM.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by yasu
    Your answers made me feel even more stupid tbh haha but I needed that, thank you.

    Actually I never wanted to date him, even before I knew about his gf and that's why I never asked him if he had one. I knew things would have never worked as long as he lived far away.

    I just kinda wished we would stay close to some level, be in each other lives, and meet whenever possible. I know we could have os much fun. OR, if I knew that we'll never meet again, I would have just kissed him goodbye and never text or call again.

    But things he said those next months ruined everything and it was frustrating for both of us and I guess that's why he keep reappearing too and feels the need to block me a year after we met.
    (And no btw he wasn't lying about things he liked, it wasn't just a "me too" case).

    I thought of meeting up just to clear all the resentment and evaluate all possibilities based of the new circumstances. But yeah guess that was dumb and I must feel lonely too.
    Thanks guys
    I'd leave it in his court to clear any misunderstandings at this point. He was a little airy fairy with you while in a relationship and doesn't seem very cognizant of the idea that it's inappropriate to do so while in a relationship with someone else. They may have been on again/off again or on the verge of breaking up (we don't know the details) but since he's still supposedly with someone, I'd leave it alone. When there are others involved, clearing anything up between two individual people is bottom of the priority list unless it affects your lives in an impactful manner. Ie. joint custody of kids, working in the same workplace and regular meetings (generally, something that requires some good understanding in order to operate other systems on a higher priority). At this time you're acquaintances and owe each other very little and your lives don't overlap or cross each other.

    Break ups are difficult. I'd work on getting things back on track after your break up (with this other person). Try and find healthy hobbies that support your sense of growth. Continue meeting your friends, meet new people locally in local interest groups. Start preparing for things you want to do in a month or two or even next year. Is there anything you need to get in order? Now's a great time to use that free time towards the things that impact you meaningfully. Come back and reevaluate whether it's a good idea to reach out to this person. Sometimes when we are not sure what to do the best thing is to come back to the idea at a later time.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Blue, I just read back and I think you're correct; what's unclear though is why, so it's possible it was because he realized this flirtation was wrong and wanted to focus on current gf.

    Or it could be some sort of test; it all sounds very ambiguous to me.

    Life has so many various nuances it's never so black and white.

    What I'm sensing is that there was, and still is an attraction, missed opps, mixed messages on both sides.

    Since yasu said he and gf broke up, I think it's worth another conversation, perhaps the timing is better, perhaps not.

    Life is so short, don't let fear, pride, ego prevent you from taking risks that could very well lead to something great -- or not.

    No matter what happens though, you learn, grow, evolve.

    Re this thing about him feeling tempted to cheat and therefore a loser d-bag, I just don't agree.

    Bottom line, he did not act on that temptation, he did not cheat.

    I dunno, it's possible my thought process is off, but these are my feelings about it fwiw.
    I believe she said that she does not know that they broke up. She is making an assumption. The guy lives in another country. Seems like a lot of work for someone that she will not be able to date or see regularly.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by yasu
    Of course no. I was put in a similar situation in the past and was honnest from the start to both of them about the whole thing and let each one make their own decision.

    I don't think they're still together since *he* contacted me recently. And I don't think I've done anything wrong I backed off the minute I knew about her, and even earlier. And if he have someone in his life I will leave him alone like I'm used to do.
    Yes he might be single. Imagine dating him and you're at work one day and he tells you he went to hang out at a local coffee shop. How many seconds before your mind starts racing and your stomach starts churning about who he might be chatting up there? For example. Or imagine meeting up with him for this "proper goodbye" but you realize you don't want to say goodbye. And you're "just friends" - are you happy hearing about the women he's pursuing/dating/cheating on or "playing with fire" with?

  10. #29
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    Yasu, there are so many feelings unresolved, I am sure for him too from what you have described.

    If you think you can live happily and peacefully with all the "what ifs" then be done with it and move on.

    No doubt you will meet another man someday, fall in love, maybe even get married if that's a goal.

    You are both only in your early 20s, yes mistakes were made on both sides, which is to be expected at your young age.

    But that's how we learn and grow.

    I am in my late 30s and I still can't seem to get it right!

    But it does not stop me from taking risks, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

    And I continue to learn and grow with every mistake I make.

    Again life is short, don't let fear or pride control you, you will regret it later no matter what the outcome turns out to be.

    For me, it's the things/actions I don't do, that I regret the most..
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-17-2019 at 12:39 PM.

  11. #30
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    Also remember, every relationship has its own dynamic.
    Even if one believes he crossed the line w his then gf, you don't know what their dynamic was or even why they were together.

    Again so many various nuances .

    Does not necessarily mean it will be that way with you, IF you both choose to pursue something.

    I mean maybe it will, again it's a risk. It always is no matter who we date.

    Anyway, nuff said from me.

    Best of luck.

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