How should I follow through?

Hello all - I’ll try to be as concise as possible. Apologies if it feels long.

I went on a date Monday night in Boston. It was our first time meeting up.

I’ve been on a lot of dates, but I have to say It’s been a long while that I felt a rush of adrenaline (or goosebumps, or whatever you want to call it) like that night, not to mention on a first date. Been way too long. Rarely happens. There was something about her. Date went very well, but had to cut it a bit short because of her 6am work next day.

The fact that she’s consuming my mind 3 days later, says something. That doesn’t happen often.

Anyway, to the tricky part.

She lives in Boston (just started doing a 4 year hospital residency). I visit Boston every once in a while for friends and work. We’re also both from Europe, which is where our “home” is, and where I live 80% of the year, and where she goes back to family. Currently I’m in Chicago, and traveling back on Tuesday.

We spoke on the phone for a few minutes after the date (called her to make sure she got home), but nothing since. I want to spend more time with her getting to know her. I wouldn’t mind postponing my travel date, and switching my city of departure to Boston (instead of the current Chicago). Realistically, the next time I’m in Boston will be quite sometime.

Not sure what my next step is. Planning to call her to say hi later today. I’d like to tell her that I want to get to know her more and I’d wanna postpone my flight, or fly to Boston to see her, just don’t know how that sounds - a little needy. Not sure how she’d take it.

I’m not saying she’s the one (or maybe she is), but she’s definitely on my mind. How should I go about it from here.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

How did you meet and why did you ask her out? LDRs have a high risk of failure when it starts as an LDR, versus a long term relationship that has to turn into an LDR for school or work, temporarily.

You can have chemistry with thousands of people in the world. It's just biological. It can happen, of course, in travels. It's happened to me and many people I know in their travels, but to me, I saw it as nothing that could be turned into a serious relationship.

I've always stuck to local dating, because it's cheaper and I prefer regular companionship in 3D instead of being virtual pen pals.

I agree with Andrina. The geography is against you. What you're feeling is a flurry of hormones and infatuation. But it's not likely to lead to anything other than a penpal relationship and an occasional visit. I think you should try to find someone closer to home. Surely Chicago is full of eligible women!

This sounds like classic Long Distance Syndrome - having all of the fantasy (most-amazing-ever) while knowing there is little chance of ever having to deal with the realities of a real relationship. Chicago is a big city, so seeking someone in Boston supports that theory.

Anyway, it is best to be upfront by acknowledging the distance, find out how she feels about that and both of you deciding if staying in contact and future meetings will work for her and you.

How did you meet and why did you ask her out? LDRs have a high risk of failure when it starts as an LDR, versus a long term relationship that has to turn into an LDR for school or work, temporarily......

I sadly agree with you on LDR. Never been a fan of them. Hate them if anything. But given how my local dating experience has been, I’ve been more open to other things hoping it pays off in the end.

I agree with Andrina. The geography is against you. What you're feeling is a flurry of hormones and infatuation. But it's not likely to lead to anything other than a penpal relationship and an occasional visit. I think you should try to find someone closer to home. Surely Chicago is full of eligible women!

I’d love to find someone close to home, but my local dating experience hasn’t been the best. Ive been on many. But it usually falls off by 3rd or 4th date, either my side or hers. That’s why I’m now open for other types, if I feel it lays off in the end.

This sounds like classic Long Distance Syndrome - having all of the fantasy (most-amazing-ever) while knowing there is little chance of ever having to deal with the realities of a real relationship. Chicago is a big city, so seeking someone in Boston supports that theory.......

Agreed. Probably see where she stands and what she thinks of the whole thing.

Frkn LDRs

LDRs have a high risk of failure when it starts as an LDR, versus a long term relationship that has to turn into an LDR for school or work, temporarily.

I agree. I think the odds are massively against you from the beginning here.

Also, I think it's going to come off as weird if after one meeting you tell her you're going to start re-arranging flights etc for her. You'll come on too strong and probably scare her off.

Unfortunately, I think the best thing to do here is to let her go. It will probably save you a whole load of headache.

Text and tell her you had a great time,etc. mention that next time you're in town you would like to meet up again. Then see how she responds before you start talking about cancelling/changing reservations etc. (way too much after one date).

but my local dating experience hasn’t been the best. Ive been on many. But it usually falls off by 3rd or 4th date, either my side or hers.

This is totally normal. After my first marriage ended, do you know how many guys I had to meet, most ending on the first date, with some lasting longer, before I met my future husband? 30 (most on OLD)

When you think about it, it's more rare to meet someone who shares chemistry with you, and then over time you see that you're compatible in all of the other major areas. That normally takes time, and a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure.

If you need to expand on places to meet single women your age, some ideas are: Meetup.com, co-ed sports team, volunteer work at a zoo or museum or Habitat for Humanity or environmental cleanups. Good luck.

Do you think she felt the same way about the date? If so, go for it.

Text and tell her you had a great time,etc. mention that next time you're in town you would like to meet up again. Then see how she responds before you start talking about cancelling/changing reservations etc. (way too much after one date).

We both had a good time. She even mentioned next time im in town we’ll definitely meet up. So not really too worried about that.

Just wondering how to do the approach, and how practical/rational it would be on the long run.

but my local dating experience hasn’t been the best. Ive been on many. But it usually falls off by 3rd or 4th date, either my side or hers.

 

This is totally normal. After my first marriage ended, do you know how many guys I had to meet, most ending on the first date, with some lasting longer, before I met my future husband? 30 (most on OLD)

 

When you think about it, it's more rare to meet someone who shares chemistry with you, and then over time you see that you're compatible in all of the other major areas. That normally takes time, and a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure.

 

If you need to expand on places to meet single women your age, some ideas are: Meetup.com, co-ed sports team, volunteer work at a zoo or museum or Habitat for Humanity or environmental cleanups. Good luck.

Yes, I’m aware. Many say that. I know I’ve definitely met more than 15, maybe closer to 20. So I’m getting there. She just had most of the qualities I look for in a woman. And felt the feeling was mutual

Do you think she felt the same way about the date? If so, go for it.

I believe so, yes. Felt it was mutual.

This sounds like classic Long Distance Syndrome - having all of the fantasy (most-amazing-ever) while knowing there is little chance of ever having to deal with the realities of a real relationship. Chicago is a big city, so seeking someone in Boston supports that theory.

 

Anyway, it is best to be upfront by acknowledging the distance, find out how she feels about that and both of you deciding if staying in contact and future meetings will work for her and you.

I think what James is saying is that the reason why you're so intrigued with this particular girl is precisely because it's long distance.

I mean you said nothing much happens with local girls, you're never that intrigued and they typically burn out after a few dates. Which I find odd being that Chicago is a huge city!! Lots and lots of women.

But now with this girl, after one meet, suddenly you cannot stop thinking about her, feeling "goosebumps" the whole nine.

There is a reason that -- being she's long distance, she is unattainable. And therefore "safe" and less threatening to the lifestyle you've established than a local girl wound be.

So you're free to indulge your fantasies (and feelings) in all their glory with no fear of it ever going anywhere at least not for a long while.

It suggests you may have commitment issues/fears OP, which are worth exploring imo.

I think what James is saying is that the reason why you're so intrigued with this particular girl is precisely because it's long .....

Appreciate your input, but have to completely disagree.

I’m way beyond the phase of “because she’s unattainable, I want her”. By now I pretty much know what I want and don’t want. If anything I would want to commit, ready to settle down and possibly start a family.

How do you think she felt about you?.. a lot of people project their high interest onto the other person assuming that the other person feels the same way.

What do you do for work? Even if you are a couple, I'm sure you have some idea of how residencies work. She won't have much time for you in the same way other couples may have time for each other. Are you in the same field, healthcare?

What else do you know about her?

What do you do for work? Even if you are a couple, I'm sure you have some idea of how residencies work. She won't have much time for you in the same way other couples may have time for each other. Are you in the same field, healthcare?

 

What else do you know about her?

Glad you mentioned that. Thought no one would. Yes, I unfortunately know how residencies work. They hardly have anytime for anyone, themselves included. I know first hand from my brother. Not sure if that’s the case though with her hospital.

I know she just started her residency, and it’ll last 4 years.

Nope I’m not in healthcare, I’m in real estate.

I am going to be the devil's advocate here and say OP, if you feel chemistry for this woman and she feels the same way, pursue it!

Why am I saying that? Because I think sometimes we need to pursue things that bring us joy, even if it's a short term thing. If you can handle the reality of having such a relationship, and you can stay grounded in that reality and not expect any more than she is willing to give, then by all means enjoy the ride.

We all know that LDR rarely work mainly because one or both have unrealistic expectations of what it should be like... as well, those that want a more serious commitment will eventually drift away to find people that are more available. However if you don't care about those things and just want to have some fun, I say do it.

If you have more fluidity with your schedule it might work. Generally long distance doesn't work. With some generous finances and time permitting, you may be in a different situation from most. If it's mutual, keep the conversations light and see what else you can learn about her. We don't know enough about you or her to really understand where you're both at in your lives aside from the above.

I'm neutral on this considering probably your life stage (where you're at at this point), your dating experience and how little we really know about the both of you. You also seem to know what you want (telltale signs about overlapping ideas of home and roots). I think what's holding you back is not being sure about how into you she is and her level of commitment even if she showed high interest due to her other commitments.

I also think the idea of her is refreshing as she might represent a stronger or more mindful individual than what you may be used to. If she inspires you, I'd say get to know her as a person and flirt with her. See each other a few more times. By then it will either fizzle out or it'll solidify.

As others have said, I would text her a nice note and tell her you had a good time the other night and say "thank you" for the nice time you had with her.

Be realistic. LDRs (long distance relationships) rarely succeed for obvious reasons. Whenever your special someone is not in your locale, you have to travel and make special arrangements to see each other, it's inconvenient and extra time consuming just to see each other. It's expensive to travel to see each other. Eventually, seeing each other becomes taxing in order to do it. Sooner or later, you'll burnout or she will. Then the relationship or even friendship dissolves. LDRs are impractical.

Appreciate your input, but have to completely disagree.

 

I’m way beyond the phase of “because she’s unattainable, I want her”. By now I pretty much know what I want and don’t want. If anything I would want to commit, ready to settle down and possibly start a family.

I didn't really expect you to agree, much of it is subconscious anyway; I only posted it for you to "consider" that's all. Cause it happens a lot.

Couple is long distance, everything is peachy, they're madly in love, but as soon as they close the distance by moving in together or living in close proximity, reality kicks in, it all changes (for one or both), it's just not the "same," relationship seemed to suddenly lose it's spark, and they break up.

But heck, you know yourself better than I do!!

So best of luck hope it works our!

.....

 

I also think the idea of her is refreshing as she might represent a stronger or more mindful individual than what you may be used to. If she inspires you, I'd say get to know her as a person and flirt with her. See each other a few more times. By then it will either fizzle out or it'll solidify.

Spot on. She’s definitely mindful and stronger than what I’m used to. She’s a good balance (or at least what I’ve seen), which I really like. These qualities attract me. I’m a sapiosexual.

Thank you all for your input. Appreciate each one. I will probably call her or message her later today and test the waters carefully.

 

I’m a sapiosexual.

I can definitely relate to that!

I'm not one for labels (of others or myself) but I believe I am one as well.

Intellgence and emotional depth trump all for me, including the physical..

Again, best of luck, enjoy the feeling, enjoy the connection. :)

Whatever you both are, just remember that you're a couple of human beings and don't forget to show your goofy, silly and vulnerable side. You do not need to be perfect. Just be perfect to each other in your own way. Have fun.