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I have a secret...


LadyCaCa

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I did something that would end my relationship with someone I care very deeply for. We may have a chance at saving our relationship but if he knew this it would be over and I would lose him forever. It would be very bad.

What would be the right thing to do? Let him go? Or carry on and hope that I can learn from the mistake (that I regret) and be a better person?

It's tearing me apart.

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Well, let me ask you this: If YOU were the person you cared very deeply for, what would YOU want? Would YOU want to be with a deceitful person who betrayed you? Would you want to be with a liar or someone who told you the truth? Would you want to be with someone with a conscience and a remorseful person? Would coming forward be worth the permanent breakup and estrangement? Would you be fine not knowing as long as the person you were with changed to be a better person forever?

 

Would you want to know the truth or is ignorance bliss?

 

If it's tearing you apart, think how you would would like to be treated and there is your answer.

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He deserves to know. No offense but you should have thought about that before you cheated. Cheating is a decision made NOT a mistake.

It's complicated but it was not exactly cheating. It's more about WHO not what I did.... but I still did it knowing it would cause pain.

Yes, I know the answer. I can't live with the lie.

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It's complicated but it was not exactly cheating. It's more about WHO not what I did.... but I still did it knowing it would cause pain.

Yes, I know the answer. I can't live with the lie.

 

What is "not exactly cheating"?

 

You either did or you didn't.

 

Let me ask you this; would you do what you did in front of your partner? Did you make efforts to conceal what you did?

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Well, I think you should tell him and let him decide the outcome. That is the right thing to do. You chose to do whatever you did, knowing that it would cause pain. Unbelievable. What were you thinking? Now you have to deal with the ramifications of your action/actions and, hopefully, learn your lesson and not repeat it.

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If you are dating/seeing someone locally and still seeing the LD guy or still in this conflicted on/off LDR and seeing someone locally, then you need to sort out what you really want. Just end it/stop it with one or the other and move forward.

 

True confessions are usually to end things, not to fix things. Why? They are not necessary in relationships with trust, integrity and happiness because there is nothing to confess. The confession and the action behind it is usually just the few last nails in the coffin of a terminally dysfunctional relationship.

I have been in a long distance relationship for a year. It has not been easy and there has never really been any trust. We are both insecure and have trust issues.
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I agree with the members above and especially what Goddess mentioned (he should have a say in what's appropriate for him also in a relationship). Be clear about any misunderstandings and mistakes and open about it, acknowledge that it was a lapse or that you're working through it and need time even but be clear about it. He may have a strong opinion about it but that's why we are with our partners. You should be seeking to be with an equal partner, not someone you can control or have control over.

 

Generally when we cross boundaries we may be subconsciously or consciously asking ourselves whether this situation is good for us. You may be questioning whether this situation in general is healthy for you and that is not a bad thing. We all go through different tests and questions in order to gain more understanding. If you make a mistake be honest about it and try not to negatively involve or impact others around you after that. Don't feel stuck in a situation just because you've made a mistake.

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We were not together at the time. It was one of those grey areas....

 

IFyou both were single at the time then you don't need to tell him anything however; should he ask, then my advice is to tell him the truth without going into great detail.

 

My questions now are: If you've already broken up once, have the reasons you broke up been rectified? Are you sure that getting back with him is the right thing for the two of you? Who broke up with whom? (and) How long were you apart when this "grey area" occurred?

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It was this... We were on vacation last year. We met a group of people at our hotel and partied for a few days together. There was inexplicable chemistry between me and one of the guys and my boyfriend sensed it immediately. I did not. We were in the same profession, outgoing personalities, common interests. (My boyfriend is a bit socially awkward, we differ there and it has caused problems before) He was insanely jealous and he didn't hide it. It was his outbursts and jealous rage that made me aware that this guy was interested. As it turned out, he lived in my city. I came home and eventually we met up. I resisted his advances for 5 months until finally we got together. This would make me go mad. I know he hates this person, whenever I mentioned his name he went nuts, even threw a glass at my wall. Very extreme behavior and its obvious jealousy. I never said or did anything to provoke this. Absolutely not. If I tell him this we will never speak again. I will be dead to him. It's not about me, this guy just got under his skin right off the bat. I found that part of his personality ugly.

I got together with the guy because it just felt right. We both are not interested in anything more, it was just a little adult fun. No harm no foul. Both my BF and I have had flings, we have been on and off for months. It's HIM. If he knew I slept with HIM .... his nemesis.... there will be no coming back from that.

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Well I'm sorry to point this out but your relationship sounds awful. It's without romantic relationship boundaries and filled with over-the-top insecurity understandably fueled by the two of you having these "flings."

 

Just break up with him but don't tell him about your most recent exploits. You are in no way ready to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with good boundaries in place so just have your flings without commitment until you realize what it takes to be loyal. Same goes for him.

 

I never said or did anything to provoke this. Absolutely not.
I disagree. You met up with this guy so clearly you gave him your contact info. A total romantic relationship boundary cross when you are in a committed relationship. You said nothing in your explanation about you and your b/f being broken up when you met up with the other guy.
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It was this... We were on vacation last year. We met a group of people at our hotel and partied for a few days together. There was inexplicable chemistry between me and one of the guys and my boyfriend sensed it immediately. I did not. We were in the same profession, outgoing personalities, common interests. (My boyfriend is a bit socially awkward, we differ there and it has caused problems before) He was insanely jealous and he didn't hide it. It was his outbursts and jealous rage that made me aware that this guy was interested. As it turned out, he lived in my city. I came home and eventually we met up. I resisted his advances for 5 months until finally we got together. This would make me go mad. I know he hates this person, whenever I mentioned his name he went nuts, even threw a glass at my wall. Very extreme behavior and its obvious jealousy. I never said or did anything to provoke this. Absolutely not. If I tell him this we will never speak again. I will be dead to him. It's not about me, this guy just got under his skin right off the bat. I found that part of his personality ugly.

I got together with the guy because it just felt right. We both are not interested in anything more, it was just a little adult fun. No harm no foul. Both my BF and I have had flings, we have been on and off for months. It's HIM. If he knew I slept with HIM .... his nemesis.... there will be no coming back from that.[/QUOTE]

 

And you knew this and chose to sleep with him anyway.

 

Maybe you're tired of the off and on situation so you deliberately did something you knew this on and off guy would be upset about.

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It was this... We were on vacation last year. We met a group of people at our hotel and partied for a few days together. There was inexplicable chemistry between me and one of the guys and my boyfriend sensed it immediately. I did not. We were in the same profession, outgoing personalities, common interests. (My boyfriend is a bit socially awkward, we differ there and it has caused problems before) He was insanely jealous and he didn't hide it. It was his outbursts and jealous rage that made me aware that this guy was interested. As it turned out, he lived in my city. I came home and eventually we met up. I resisted his advances for 5 months until finally we got together. This would make me go mad. I know he hates this person, whenever I mentioned his name he went nuts, even threw a glass at my wall. Very extreme behavior and its obvious jealousy. I never said or did anything to provoke this. Absolutely not. If I tell him this we will never speak again. I will be dead to him. It's not about me, this guy just got under his skin right off the bat. I found that part of his personality ugly.

I got together with the guy because it just felt right. We both are not interested in anything more, it was just a little adult fun. No harm no foul. Both my BF and I have had flings, we have been on and off for months. It's HIM. If he knew I slept with HIM .... his nemesis.... there will be no coming back from that.[/QUOTE]

 

And you knew this and chose to sleep with him anyway.

 

My BF's vendetta against this person has NOTHING to do with me or the other guy. Out tryst was purely physical and we both just wanted to get it out of our systems. Job done and we move on.

Maybe I'll finish with my BF but this won't be the reason. It is a terrible relationship and there is no trust. Maybe that's why I thought it was ok...I had nothing to lose

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...Your opening post said "I may lose someone I care deeply for" Surely you understand that you shouldn't be betraying someone you "care deeply for?" There is a good reason why there is "no trust." Its impossible to trust someone who is untrustworthy. Even open relationships have rules that should be adhered to in order to facilitate trust.

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You need to get rid of this violent on/off guy.

He was insanely jealous and he didn't hide it. It was his outbursts and jealous rage

 

I mentioned his name he went nuts, even threw a glass at my wall.

 

Both my BF and I have had flings, we have been on and off for months.

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Both of you seem to disrespect each other in different ways but still have a strong emotional attachment to each other. Sometimes that emotional attachment doesn't allow us to become better people or even maintain status quo in a relationship. It goes downhill because of the continued disrespect. I read some undertones in non-acceptance regarding his personality (your words were 'socially awkward'). While they may be completely valid (I would respect your opinion on that) it might also be undercutting any of his concerns and devaluing him as a person just because you both differ in your outlook or responses to others.

 

The nemesis idea isn't very helpful in creating a peaceful space between the both of you either. I'd be aware of the ideas and thoughts you're shaping around certain people you know or whom you've invited into your life. Those thoughts will shape and guide your actions and cause reactions in you that are equally negative. Instead of regarding your fling as a nemesis, consider him as a person like yourself or your boyfriend. All of you are people with different intentions, different ideas and different outlooks. If your boyfriend is the one who is egging you on with the ideas of enemies and someone being his nemesis, he may be at the very crux of your issues and negative outlook. Be careful and cautious of the influences in your life, not just your new influences but the current outlook and temperature of those already in your day to day life.

 

It doesn't help to target the peripheral when the disease is built in or already at the core. Look at it as a whole and treat your life and your relationships with the same care and respect that you would treat your own body or mind.

 

Whether or not you were exclusive doesn't matter very much to me. Relationships weave in and out and I think it's helpful to remain fluid about it and bend or turn as you need to in different situations but still stick to your beliefs and have limits in what you can or can't do, what you choose to think and what you do not accept in terms of ideas. If it wasn't exclusive and you were on/off, take it for what it was and temper your expectations of yourself. I'd be a bit more cautious about how you form ideas about different people and aware of where that negativity is coming from. If you can eliminate that, you might find this a bit easier to handle and work through.

 

Overall, I'd be honest with your boyfriend about the relationship or fling and be clear about not accepting any negativity in your life. Remain true to yourself and what you think is right for yourself overall, worry less over the standards of others but remain respectful to the wishes of others.

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