I Want to be Good Enough for Him

[Batya33]

I agree with everyone else. If you move in with him you are risking any chance of a long term relationship with him and you are showing yourself that you are not good enough for anyone right now as far as a long term romantic relationship because even though of course people have temporary periods of financial difficulties and challenges, you are showing that you don't make common sense choices when you encounter those situations. Healthy adult relationships require a level of common sense you are not practicing right now so I think you should get your act together on your own before getting involved with someone romantically, especially someone you feel less than.

My friend's daughter - late 20s- just got out of a relationship like this which started like yours started - older wealthy guy, etc. same shpiel like your guy. It's ended with threatening letters from his lawyer and now he's still harassing her (yes she's blocked him, yes the lawyer situation is now over). It's ended up costing her $ and lots of stress.

[reinventmyself]

So many different scenarios go through my mind when I read this.

Ok. . He's so fabulous and you feel are so not-worthy and such.
I may be wrong, but I've met these guys. They have a thing for rescuing little birds with broken wings. You can't figure out what he sees in you, but part of the attraction is that you won't fly away. In return for all he's done for you, you'll be indebted to him.

When prince charming's mask falls off you are left with someone controlling. Again, I could be wrong but this has all the typical hallmark signs.

You say you are not dependent on any man? Then why would you argue taking him up on his offer to financially help you. . .with a room and financial advice? Wouldn't that make you dependent to some degree?

Enjoy dating him. Get to know him. Remain independent and in turn learn to interdependent with a man.

You don't want to ruin this? The fasted way to risk ruining this is renting a room from a man you don't know and are infatuated with and think you aren't deserving of. You place yourself in a one down, vulnerable position. That's not how healthy, mature relationships grow.

[abitbroken]

you are seeing things very black and white. Its living where you need to carry a gun, live where you get nagged or move in with this perfect specimen of a man who you barely know, but it will be perfect.

In my 20s, i found plenty of situations where 1-4 other women who were grad students or young professionals would rent together to save money. We were all low on the ladder/just starting out in careers and one was a student teacher. There are people that move because they get married and move in with their new spouse and their lease isn't up yet, or move for a job and need someone to finish up their lease and are willing to take less than market because they would still have to pay for it empty -- even if its just 3-6 months it gives you time to figure out your next move.

I lived in an expensive area and went from the roommate situation to a situation where a couple's kids had moved out - gone to college and they rented me a room with a lock and key that only i had. I could use the kitchen, etc, but they only charged me for the room. It was a nice set up. They treated me more like a little sister (i was mid 20s, they were late 40s). I was always working or doing other things so wasn't hanging around the house a lot, but it really helped me out. i think i paid $75-100 a week. Then i got my own apartment again.

How old is this guy?? if he talks about "needs a good woman after mom dies" i was guessing that he was much older than you.

[reinventmyself]

How old is this guy?? if he talks about "needs a good woman after mom dies" i was guessing that he was much older than you.

"" There is a 10 year age gap, ""

[boltnrun]

If you choose to move in with him I expect the next thread to be titled "Is this controlling?"

[calichick007]

In the ghetto, where I would have to buy a gun, learn how to shoot, bar up my windows and doors.

This is pretty melodramatic. It sounds like you're just looking for a reason to convince yourself that moving in with him is the only viable choice. Like everyone else, I think it's a terrible idea.

[ConfusedLady21]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

[katrina1980]

It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have.

I am sympathetic to your plight CL, but no it won't probably sabotage anything you have developed up to this point, it will definitely sabotage it.

So it's a choice..

What's the priority? Living at his cause it's too draining/stressful/time consuming searching for other options (which are out there despite what you think), or having a boyfriend whom at least at the moment you think is a good guy?

Cause once you move in as essentially a "tenant" the entire dynamic will change -- you being a tenant, and him, your landlord.

There is nothing fun, romantic or sexy about that whatsoever.

So make up your mind cause try as you might you can't have both and have it work.

Good luck with your decision.

[Rose Mosse]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

The options are not great because you've made decisions that limit yourself. 1) pay cut 2) keeping the dog 3) not getting a second job or working longer hours. Your choices leading up to this point haven't been very sound and I don't think you're really grasping how your decisions now will continue to affect you and there's a very real likelihood that cheap rent won't solve your financial issues or improve your savings plan. Cheap rent will only get you so far but the distractions of an unhealthy relationship may cause you to still overspend or overextend your limits or your budget elsewhere over a period of time. Your health my deteriorate, you may need dr visits or medication. Your pet will need maintenance and check ups. You should also be looking into tenant insurance as a renter and protecting yourself there. I hope internet, cable, electricity and other amenities are included in that deal he's offering and not on top of what you've verbally discussed so far. I'm not sure if you're looking to this person to help pay your bills or pay for all your entertainment etc.

If you are serious about taking his offer based on the one redeeming factor that you're able to create a savings plan and improve your finances, start budgeting immediately and drawing up an expenses sheet for all your expenses including emergencies and leave room for insurance, healthcare, doctor and vet visits. If you can really prove to yourself through the numbers that this is a viable option and he is not going to charge you anything else on top of what you've agreed, go ahead and evaluate whether this is a good option for you. If you find that you still are having difficulty putting money aside according to a plan you'd like to follow, the entire premise of moving in in order to save is not going to work.

What you're really doing then is moving in to blanket the difficulties you have with your finances and to mask the complications you might have financially with a new relationship. Look closer at your numbers for yourself so that you know what you're up against and what your expectations really are in this relationship. Even if you do decide to move in with him on the cheap option, you'll be a bit more tighter with your money and clearer about how much you need to control your expenses in order to meet your goals saving. You may also be a bit more realistic about this person and any relationship that may or may not happen in the future. Try to keep things as civil and respectable as possible and take it slow if you're getting to know one another.

[figureitout23]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

If that’s the case, easy fix, break up and become his roommate. If your living situation is really this dire and he is your only option look at him in that way then, as a landlord. Look at that, problem solved 😊