I Want to be Good Enough for Him

[Rose Mosse]

There are a lot of contentious issues with your scenario and I think everyone has been more or less very gentle with you. We've known you for awhile with your threads and the theme is generally one of an individual who is willing to please, open to new relationships and uncertain about her future overall. Most of those relationships unfortunately have been inappropriate. Your future still seems uncertain and there's always an element of danger or walking the line with you and I think you're deliberately either ignoring your reality or you're not seeing things for what they really are.

Your pup will always be a difficulty for you for as long as you're renting. I'm sorry to say that. I've had dogs before and they're not easy to have around while juggling other things, let alone renting an apartment. I'm not sure if I could do that. I'd suggest you find a second job to save and keep afloat but this renders the living situation for your dog inhumane or difficult also. I hope it's not left alone at home for long periods even now. An alternative is doggy daycare but that negates any increases in income you may be making with a second job. I still don't know why you accepted a pay cut but perhaps my question was missed by accident on page 1.

I still don't find it acceptable that someone is willing to date you exclusively and seriously and yet charge you for a room. It tells me that he's not in the right frame of mind and neither are you. You're both looking for a quick fix...it feels like desperate times. And again, there's the dog to worry about on top of your own safety and stability. If this situation deteriorates I have a feeling it will deteriorate quickly with or without a contract. I also have to ask how many rooms he's renting out besides the one he's offering to you. How safe are you in that house? If he's looking for a roommate, his language shouldn't imply that he's "willing to open up a room". It sounds like he's doing you a favour but what he's doing is self-serving too. He feels slithery like an eel.

I think your mum might be worried for you. I would be worried for you if you were my daughter.

I cannot tell you what to do and it is indeed your future ahead of you. I'd encourage you to think a bit more critically of the options you've laid out before you and consider making some sacrifices that may be difficult but not impossible. You may want to consider rehoming your dog or looking into doggy daycare options and a second job that's feasible. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too and also keep tabs of what someone else is bringing to your table. It's not working. Try and look at one thing at a time starting with the most urgent and prioritize. This may or may not make sense to you and some parts may hurt you. It's not intentional. I hope you find a safe place to live and continue to try and make peace with your family. I feel like you have not healed from the difficulty in your past with your dad leaving. I'd seek therapy and a safe place to unpack that.

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself.

[Cherylyn]

Don't be so insecure! Appreciate the fact that he shows strong interest in you and that you are over the moon with him! Why can't you be grateful for him? Why do you have to find something wrong with this relationship and why do you have to create issues and drama when there aren't any? With all due respect, stop thinking you are inadequate! Be grateful that he sees something in you that you don't!

Instead of surfing the Net about how to PROPERLY love, just LOVE. Enjoy his company, have respect for each other and be happy for what it is! The newness won't wear off if you keep the love and care consistent. Also, don't be so strong in the beginning and then peter out and burnout later. Keep the vibe at a good, happy medium.

Be careful about second guessing and asking why someone likes you otherwise you'll be annoying. Accept the fact that you are well liked because you are well liked just the way you are! You're a beautiful soul yet you don't know it; yet he sees that in YOU. Be grateful and feel warm and loved because of it. He values your optimistic heart and energy. That's a sincere compliment and hope you will no longer be confused, lady21. He wants you by his side.

I would wait on moving in with him even though it's a separate, cheap room. It's only been a month and you don't know him that well yet. He's moving too fast. Really get to know his character thoroughly before ever moving in with him. Establish a great friendship first which takes a long time as in many months. In the meantime, live at home and save your money.

Also, even though he seems like a really nice guy, living together is a whole different ballgame. Suddenly, you'll see parts of his character and personality which may not always agree with you. Dating is wonderful. Living with a person 24 / 7 is a different story. This is why I advise you to get to know him a lot better which will take many months ~ at least. Take it slow and don't rush into this relationship. Always remain cautious. Take baby steps. Build lots of trust, find out what type of man he is even when his mood is not good and spend lots of time with him other than just fun dates. You will be able to gauge whom you're involved with, what you like about him or what turns you off about him over time. Then decide if you're willing to rent a room for cheap from him. Remain cautious. Tread lightly. Enjoy dating but don't rush into living under the same roof.

[Honeycomb8]

It's not about you be good enough for him, it's the complete opposite and he's meant to prove that he's worth YOUR time.

[MissCanuck]

Moving in with him is a terrible idea. Brace yourself for the strong possibility that it will put your relationship with him at risk and you will be stuck living with him long after it goes sour. Can you handle that? How will you feel if you two don't last and he wants to bring another woman over?

I don't necessarily see that he is better than you in any way. He's older, more established, more experienced - sure. That doesn't make him out of your league. It's the fact that you're already trying to bend yourself to be the woman you think he wants that is a red flag, and could well construct an unhealthy dynamic as you put on a false front and downplay your authentic self.

I'm sorry, OP. I know you like this guy a lot but the way things are going - both in terms of becoming roommates and your low opinion of yourself - is not the recipe for a successful and lasting relationship.

[bluecastle]

I don't know what to say here, Confused, so I'll share my gut thoughts.

This post is, in ways, an echo of your "silver fox" post. As with that situation, here you are describing an older man with whom your primary source of connection comes from elevating him to a god-like status as you experience an expanding feeling of worthlessness. I'll quote you back to you: "I want to be good enough for him." "I feel like he could do so much better." "I am trying." "I just can't keep up with him." "I feel like a dullard." "I desperately want things to work."

And so on.

These are, speaking frankly, generally not the sort of sentiments expressed by someone who is emotionally healthy and enjoying a healthy romantic dynamic. They are, in ways, the exact opposite. It is worth exploring why you are so turned on by feeling helpless in the shadow of a man. Or, to quote myself back to you, from the days of the silver fox: "What you like about this guy is that he makes you feel small, powerless, unimpressive, and without much of an identity."

What, do you think, is up with that?

To which I imagine your gut response is to set me straight, to emphasize that this guy is a good guy. He's handy, he's kind, a champion of female intelligence with a perfect credit score. Not just that—he is into you, so deeply, passionately into you that he has offered you a place to stay. And not just that. No, you are strong, independent, not reliant on men to provide anything for you.

Sorry, that's not registering over here. If I, in reading a handful of your posts on this site, can see how weak in the knees and spirit you are, and if he is two percent as intelligent as you believe, then odds are he is well-aware of how wobbly and insignificant you feel right now—in life, in his orbit. So be it consciously or cellularly, he is drawn to that, empowered by you being disempowered. Not so cute, that. Not so mature. Not the noblest thing to "bring to the table." A red flag you are seeing as a warm blanket.

Offering you a room? Well, like the others, that just seems odd to me on so many levels. A mature man knows that, 30 days in, he still does not know you. He meanwhile, has presented a situation in which he gets to win on two fronts. He gets the ego-boost of rescuing the damsel from distress (one that further cements your damsel self-identity) and he gets to live more cheaply (keeping that credit score polished and reinforcing his identity as a god who has figured out life).

There are a multitude of options between buying a gun and becoming a sharpshooter to protect your dog while you live in squalor and moving in with a man you hardly know and who magnifies your lack of self-esteem and self-worth. You are smart. You don't need me to list them all, from considering moving back home for a stretch to searching for a roommate situation that allows a dog. They are out there, and all of them are wiser moves than moving in with a man you've been seeing for a month—a man you were so-so about less than two weeks ago.

You will, of course, do what you want to do. Maybe it all works out, and with his tutelage, and with the affordable rent, you thrive and blossom. Or maybe you stumble around a bit more and, in that stumbling, get a bit closer to a path where you genuinely feel like the woman you want to be, where you feel all that in your own cells with such ferocity that you don't feel like dating should be a finishing school of sorts.

I know this probably hurts to read. It's not my intention. I feel for you, and hope for the best. I do really encourage you to try to slow down, to work on yourself and steadying yourself while enjoying a new romance, letting that unfold, rather than trying to expedite that work in the name of romance, or leaning on that romance for shelter and security.

You are, right now, putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Vulnerability, of course, is very seductive, the thing we all want from romance. But not this kind. I fear you have confused feeling deeply vulnerable next to someone as being vulnerable by sharing yourself with someone. The former, generally, amplifies the wobbles while the latter affirms strengths. But those strengths need to first be carved out within ourselves in order for another to cherish them.

[SarahLancaster]

You've been dating only a month and you've discussed your finances and credit ratings? He's offered to help fix your car?

Are you looking for a companion or a sugar daddy?

[figureitout23]

So with your quick dreams of gun ownership, I’m assuming you’re an American, you do know statistically, you’re more likely to shoot a loved one than an intruder? The less knowledgeable you are the worse your odds become.

I feel like me saying that is just fueling you though. You remind me of the defiant teenager dating the high school drop out cause daddy doesn’t like him. You are having second thoughts and as you said ‘scared’ but us giving you the power to feel defiant and ‘I’ll show them’ a sure sign of immaturity I’m sorry to say, you get what you want.

As another poster said, this is your life you get to live it good choices and bad. Our opinions aren’t going to change, you’d be stupid to move in with a man you’ve been dating for a month. You’re talking about proving your love to a man you’ve been with for 4 weeks. You are not Juliet and he is not Romeo. First off, If your finances put you in the ‘ghetto’ guess what princess, that’s your socioeconomic group, better get to know your neighbors. Second, thank your lucky stars staying with family is an option, many don’t have that option. You have options, you want to be reckless and go live with this man. Your prerogative, you’re grown, go do it, maybe it will all work out.

But crying about having to live in the ‘ghetto’ cause no one wants a roommate with a dog? Definition of first world problems girl, grow up please.

[Wiseman2]

Love never was and never will be being a doormat. Don't read trite rubbish like that, the bolded phrase below is so creepy it makes your skin crawl. Do not let anyone but your bank, accountant or financial adviser 'help you with your credit score". EVER. Never give out your personal info to a complete stranger. If you are having financial difficulties, move in with roommates or family.

Do not become someone's live-in maid or sexual convenience in exchange for room and board. So many huge red flags with this guy. Stop and think long and hard. No one can "improve your credit" but you. He's lying to you. He may give you a 'separate room and make you pay rent' but it's not out of altruism, another huge red flag. He's lying to you about so many things.

He's financially responsible with a perfect credit score and willing to help me with mine. My finances are not where I need them to be.

Love is not a feeling but a selfless act of making the other person happy. I want to be able to love him correctly and be what he needs in a woman.

This man is offering me a separate room. I'll pay cheap rent and it offers me the opportunity to get caught up and save.

[maew]

Omg people. I am not throwing caution to the wind. My lease is up. I am going month to month now because the rent is so high and I eventually need to get out. When I first moved in, I was at 675, now I am over 900+ for a one bed room. I am one person. I am self sufficient. I have never been late on rent ever. Not even once. I am just over extended now. I have been looking for another place. Everything I look at that I can afford now is in a rough neighborhood aka. the hood. Everything is going up here. I can no longer afford a decent place without going paycheck to paycheck. I have been looking for people who need room mates but everyone is rejecting me, they do not want to accept my dog.

You ARE though. I don't think you are dumb nor does anyone else here... entitled maybe, and more than a little naive, but dumb you are not.

If you really wanted to be independent and live on your own, you would put more energy into finding a place to live than into finding excuses to live with this man.

I was a single mom living on my own for a good chunk of my daughter's life, I worked and went to school and my income was below the poverty line for many years... as a result we lived in some pretty sketchy places let me tell you, but we had a place of our own that was warm, clean, with all the necessities.

I get the struggle when it comes to rent, I live in one of the most expensive cities in North America right now, however where there is a will there is a way, whether it's living in a less than desirable neighborhood, or in the suburbs, or with a roommate, or what have you. There IS a way to do it, you are just choosing the easy way out, which is entirely your decision of course.

As for the relationship, of course it's perfect after a month, all relationships are, you are still in the honeymoon phase. I do think you are kidding yourself if you believe this is going to be a roommate situation... I give it a matter of weeks before you are playing house and sharing a bed full time with this guy. Either that, or it remains a roommate situation and you have to endure watching him date other people while you sit at home fuming that this didn't go the way you planned.

Of course it's entirely possible that maybe I and the others here will be wrong, I hope we are, and that you and this guy ride off into the sunset together. Either way it's your life to live the way you want, you don't need us to tell you whether or not it's a good idea, only you know if this is the decision that's right for you at the end of the day.