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I Want to be Good Enough for Him


ConfusedLady21

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I've been exclusively dating this man for about a month and honestly, I am officially infatuated. He is such a quality man with a lot going for him. I am not sure why he is interested in me.

This man is as sharp as a tack, super bright with a lot of knowledge about a large variety of topics. He is also a handy man around the house. All of the upgrades he put in the house, he personally installed (talented!). He's financially responsible with a perfect credit score and willing to help me with mine. He also offered to help me fix my car. He's thoughtful and considerate and he keeps me in mind on his grocery visits and makes sure I'm comfortable any time I come over. I mean the list goes on as to why I find him delightfully wonderful.

 

I feel like he could do so much better. There is a 10 year age gap, but still, I am trying. I have always envisioned having a competent partner.. and if I have expect certain things out of a man, surely, I have to meet him half way. I don't feel ready to be what he needs. I am trying to work on my knowledge and develop my own hobbies.. I am trying. He's into Shakespeare and deep philosophical conversations, which that is something that I am interested in as well, but I just can't keep up with him. I feel like a dullard. My finances are not where I need them to be. I am working on that as well, but I am over extended due to outside circumstances, it's not like I'm irresponsible. I want to be able to make him smile, and make him happy. He values intelligent women.

 

I'm so into this guy, I've been researching how to properly love. Love is not a feeling but a selfless act of making the other person happy. It's not about having your partner please you. I want this to last past the honey moon phase. I want this to last for years, decades. Because even if the newness wares off he's still a quality person and I want to be able to love him correctly and be what he needs in a woman. I asked him why he liked me. He said that he valued my optimistic heart and my energy. He told me that a man is better off in life with a woman by his side, and he is going to need someone in his world, once his grandmother and mother passes, he will feel alone and left with nothing.

 

So much is happening. I started a new job, and I took a cut in pay around the same time my rent went up. It was my initial plan to move in with my mom, but after a few disagreements, I'm not sure if that's a good idea. This man is offering me a separate room. I'll pay cheap rent and it offers me the opportunity to get caught up and save. As tempting as that is, I never moved in with a man before.. and I am worried that this might put a wedge in between us. I desperately want things to work. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks in advance.

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Honestly, we already told you to cool off. Stop dating men from work. If he is already dating you, there is something about you he likes. you don't have to change - other than to stop second guessing, being clingy, etc. You admit that you are infatuated. you continue to move from one infatuation to the next.

 

Do NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS GUY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"S GREEN EARTH!!! Move in with mom or find a female roommate. I am sure there is someone - a divorcee or widow who wants to stay in her house and not have to sell, but if she had a roommate, the money would make ends meet just enough to be able to. I am sure there are small apartments. Or a flight attendant who is never home, but is offering a roommate a bargain rate to also feed their cat or something.

Or i am sure there are people where their house has an in-law apartment but mom or dad died and they don't want to rent to a college student.

 

NEVER move in with a romantic interest to save money. If you had a wedding date, that's different, but moving in sheerly out of convenience with someone you just started dating is big trouble. you barely know him and if things went south, you would not be able to leave so easily. How will you handle him going out with other people - even if its guys - and treating you like a roommate instead of a girlfriend?

 

I think you are set on listening to our advice.

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He told me that a man is better off in life with a woman by his side, and he is going to need someone in his world, once his grandmother and mother passes, he will feel alone and left with nothing.

 

Translation: Mommy and Granny won't be around to cook for and dote on their little boy. He is looking for someone to take care of him like his mommy

I want to feel special, not "you are a woman. you will do."

 

Being in a relationship out of loneliness only leads to more loneliness.

If he wanted a wife or girlfriend, he would not be telling you he wants to find someone so he won't be lonely after his mom and grandma die, he would just be looking for someone to nice to date and hoping it leads to more if its the right person.

 

My ex married me ultimately because he didn't want to die alone. romantic, huh? we were going to break up and he decided he didn't want to break up just in case he didn't meet anyone else.

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Actually, he is a better cook than me. The first time I cooked for him I messed up the recipe big time. Both his mother and his grand mother are in good health. He told me that he liked to have me around.

 

It's hard to find a room when you have a dog. I've been trying. I refuse to move back in with my mother. He accepts me and my dog. I don't want to move in with him, I am terrified of that. But I am running out of both time and options here.

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What did you disagree about with your mum and why did you take a new job with a pay cut?

 

Also, if you don't mind me asking, where's your dad? Do you get along or is he in the picture/in your life?

 

 

Mom does not respect me. She doesn't treat me like I an adult. I never ask her for money. I never use her, I always do right by her. I am about to turn 27. I don't have a relationship with my older sister or brother, but when we all lived in the same house together, she charged me more than them and did not tell me. I found out from my brother a couple of years later. She refuses to tell me how much I would be charged if I moved back in. She still coddles me. I lived on my own for over 4 years and she still gets upset if I don't go straight home after work or if I don't call her. We talk almost every day. Moving in with her would be giving up my freedom, she thinks she can run me. I will show her nothing but the upmost respect, but she feels that since she's my "mom" she can treat me/ talk to me any kind of way. I can't handle that toxic, that's why I moved out. Dad has been out of my like for about 9+ years now. Mom was the breadwinner of the house, dad was a stay at home father .. and when the economy crashed and moms biz tanked, he ran out on us.

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Actually, he is a better cook than me. The first time I cooked for him I messed up the recipe big time. Both his mother and his grand mother are in good health. He told me that he liked to have me around.

 

It's hard to find a room when you have a dog. I've been trying. I refuse to move back in with my mother. He accepts me and my dog. I don't want to move in with him, I am terrified of that. But I am running out of both time and options here.

 

So what you are saying is, you are planning to move in with this guy and would like our support in doing so. I mean you are making every excuse for why it’s a good idea so by all means have at it... you seem determined and I doubt anything we say would change your mind.

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Twelve days ago you said you were NOT at all infatuated with him, that other men at work were giving you attention and that you were concerned because he had broken up with his ex after she rejected his proposal. Now you're completely infatuated and want to move in with him?

 

Why are you in such a hurry to find someone?

 

BTW, how did you end up dealing with the ex you said wouldn't leave you alone?

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How long until your lease is up?

 

I'd take moving in with mom or him off the table as options, and focus purely on working the problem as the self sufficient adult you want to be.

It will boost your confidence and competence to see how you can make things happen when you need to.

 

Is there still an option to renew your lease?

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Omg people.

I am not throwing caution to the wind. My lease is up. I am going month to month now because the rent is so high and I eventually need to get out. When I first moved in, I was at 675, now I am over 900+ for a one bed room. I am one person. I am self sufficient. I have never been late on rent ever. Not even once. I am just over extended now. I have been looking for another place. Everything I look at that I can afford now is in a rough neighborhood aka. the hood. Everything is going up here. I can no longer afford a decent place without going paycheck to paycheck. I have been looking for people who need room mates but everyone is rejecting me, they do not want to accept my dog.

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Yeah there was other men at work that I have been paying 0 % attention to. I don't care for them. I see a quality man in front of me who have offered more and brought more to the table than I could have expected. I don't want to move in with him but my back is up against the wall. I have alerted all other suitors that I have a boyfriend now and I blocked the men who were not respectful.

 

I am not dumb, I am trying to do what is best for me. This man have brought more to the table in a month than anyone else.

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Yeah there was other men at work that I have been paying 0 % attention to. I don't care for them. I see a quality man in front of me who have offered more and brought more to the table than I could have expected. I don't want to move in with him but my back is up against the wall. I have alerted all other suitors that I have a boyfriend now and I blocked the men who were not respectful.

 

I am not dumb, I am trying to do what is best for me. This man have brought more to the table in a month than anyone else.

 

It's easy to be amazing for a month. It would be best to date while living separately to see if this can be sustained.

 

Where would you live if you hadn't met him?

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It's easy to be amazing for a month. It would be best to date while living separately to see if this can be sustained.

 

Where would you live if you hadn't met him?

 

 

In the ghetto, where I would have to buy a gun, learn how to shoot, bar up my windows and doors. I would rather live in a rough area than with my mom. He told me to skip all that and move in with him. He said that I have an obligation to stay safe for him.

 

Trust me, I am well aware a honey moon (rose colored glasses phase) lasts anywhere between 6 months to a year. I'd like to survive past that, but who freakin knows what will happen. I am freaking out because I don't want to sabotage things. I don't know what to do. He's offering me low low low rent. And at the very least I figured if things blow up in my face, if I can play it right, I can walk away with a bulk of savings.

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I can't help but wonder why he's so generous as to date you exclusively but yet charge you for a room.

 

I thought moving in with someone meant sharing a life together. Are you sure you're not getting involved with some john or pimp? This guy seems a little funny to me.

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I can't help but wonder why he's so generous as to date you exclusively but yet charge you for a room.

 

I thought moving in with someone meant sharing a life together. Are you sure you're not getting involved with some john or pimp? This guy seems a little funny to me.

 

I don't have a problem with charging rent after only one month of dating.

 

I DO wonder why on earth HE'S in such a hurry to lock you down. Have to wonder what his motivations are. I'm not buying that it's because he's just such a great guy.

 

I'd be very skeptical.

 

Abusers act like Prince Charming in the beginning to lure in their victims. They're especially fond of dependency and isolation.

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I can't help but wonder why he's so generous as to date you exclusively but yet charge you for a room.

 

I thought moving in with someone meant sharing a life together. Are you sure you're not getting involved with some john or pimp? This guy seems a little funny to me.

 

 

He told me that he was looking for a roommate before I mentioned anything.. and since he heard about my situation he is willing to open up a room. There will be a contract involved. It's very cheap for rent with utilities included. You can't live anywhere for free. He told me that he is well aware of the implications of his offer and he is willing to separate being involved with one another and being roommates.

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There are a lot of contentious issues with your scenario and I think everyone has been more or less very gentle with you. We've known you for awhile with your threads and the theme is generally one of an individual who is willing to please, open to new relationships and uncertain about her future overall. Most of those relationships unfortunately have been inappropriate. Your future still seems uncertain and there's always an element of danger or walking the line with you and I think you're deliberately either ignoring your reality or you're not seeing things for what they really are.

 

Your pup will always be a difficulty for you for as long as you're renting. I'm sorry to say that. I've had dogs before and they're not easy to have around while juggling other things, let alone renting an apartment. I'm not sure if I could do that. I'd suggest you find a second job to save and keep afloat but this renders the living situation for your dog inhumane or difficult also. I hope it's not left alone at home for long periods even now. An alternative is doggy daycare but that negates any increases in income you may be making with a second job. I still don't know why you accepted a pay cut but perhaps my question was missed by accident on page 1.

 

I still don't find it acceptable that someone is willing to date you exclusively and seriously and yet charge you for a room. It tells me that he's not in the right frame of mind and neither are you. You're both looking for a quick fix...it feels like desperate times. And again, there's the dog to worry about on top of your own safety and stability. If this situation deteriorates I have a feeling it will deteriorate quickly with or without a contract. I also have to ask how many rooms he's renting out besides the one he's offering to you. How safe are you in that house? If he's looking for a roommate, his language shouldn't imply that he's "willing to open up a room". It sounds like he's doing you a favour but what he's doing is self-serving too. He feels slithery like an eel.

 

I think your mum might be worried for you. I would be worried for you if you were my daughter.

 

I cannot tell you what to do and it is indeed your future ahead of you. I'd encourage you to think a bit more critically of the options you've laid out before you and consider making some sacrifices that may be difficult but not impossible. You may want to consider rehoming your dog or looking into doggy daycare options and a second job that's feasible. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too and also keep tabs of what someone else is bringing to your table. It's not working. Try and look at one thing at a time starting with the most urgent and prioritize. This may or may not make sense to you and some parts may hurt you. It's not intentional. I hope you find a safe place to live and continue to try and make peace with your family. I feel like you have not healed from the difficulty in your past with your dad leaving. I'd seek therapy and a safe place to unpack that.

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Don't be so insecure! Appreciate the fact that he shows strong interest in you and that you are over the moon with him! Why can't you be grateful for him? Why do you have to find something wrong with this relationship and why do you have to create issues and drama when there aren't any? With all due respect, stop thinking you are inadequate! Be grateful that he sees something in you that you don't!

 

Instead of surfing the Net about how to PROPERLY love, just LOVE. Enjoy his company, have respect for each other and be happy for what it is! The newness won't wear off if you keep the love and care consistent. Also, don't be so strong in the beginning and then peter out and burnout later. Keep the vibe at a good, happy medium.

 

Be careful about second guessing and asking why someone likes you otherwise you'll be annoying. Accept the fact that you are well liked because you are well liked just the way you are! You're a beautiful soul yet you don't know it; yet he sees that in YOU. Be grateful and feel warm and loved because of it. He values your optimistic heart and energy. That's a sincere compliment and hope you will no longer be confused, lady21. He wants you by his side.

 

I would wait on moving in with him even though it's a separate, cheap room. It's only been a month and you don't know him that well yet. He's moving too fast. Really get to know his character thoroughly before ever moving in with him. Establish a great friendship first which takes a long time as in many months. In the meantime, live at home and save your money.

 

Also, even though he seems like a really nice guy, living together is a whole different ballgame. Suddenly, you'll see parts of his character and personality which may not always agree with you. Dating is wonderful. Living with a person 24 / 7 is a different story. This is why I advise you to get to know him a lot better which will take many months ~ at least. Take it slow and don't rush into this relationship. Always remain cautious. Take baby steps. Build lots of trust, find out what type of man he is even when his mood is not good and spend lots of time with him other than just fun dates. You will be able to gauge whom you're involved with, what you like about him or what turns you off about him over time. Then decide if you're willing to rent a room for cheap from him. Remain cautious. Tread lightly. Enjoy dating but don't rush into living under the same roof.

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Moving in with him is a terrible idea. Brace yourself for the strong possibility that it will put your relationship with him at risk and you will be stuck living with him long after it goes sour. Can you handle that? How will you feel if you two don't last and he wants to bring another woman over?

 

I don't necessarily see that he is better than you in any way. He's older, more established, more experienced - sure. That doesn't make him out of your league. It's the fact that you're already trying to bend yourself to be the woman you think he wants that is a red flag, and could well construct an unhealthy dynamic as you put on a false front and downplay your authentic self.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I know you like this guy a lot but the way things are going - both in terms of becoming roommates and your low opinion of yourself - is not the recipe for a successful and lasting relationship.

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