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Thread: My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesnít say many loving things

  1. #1
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    My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesnít say many loving things

    Hi all! I need advice. My friends give it but need more please. My bf and I have been together now for just 4 months. He is very slow to move in relationships. Very cautious. He has been broken up with several times for the big lifetime relationships Iíd say. We are in 50s.
    I know he likes me but Iím so scared as to how much because I like him a lot &falling for him. I donít want to go through such pain again in relationships so Iím trying to be mellow. Usually I go faster and my past relationships have with me too
    He used to tell me nice things like heís crazy about me Iím so cute heís got a huge crush etc but nothing really anymore. Iíve asked him about it and he says itís hard for him to talk that way and always has been. (He told me his ex wife and ex gf ended it. He said He guesses he got lazy). He said heíd work on it to tell me more but really hasnít. Our little monthly anniversary just came and he said zero(when he had months prior). Ik I sound so childish but Iím yearning for signals. He asked me ďdo I show you I care ?Ē That is a big yes. He and I get along, have fun, laugh, have met each otherís families, heís taking me on an annual trip soon heís done with best friends for decades. However Iím the next in line after his wife and after his ex gf. Lol. I cannot ask him about where we stand anymore. Iíve done it twice and he talks, but I feel he gets annoyed too. He likes when Iím confident. He does show me lots of affection as do I. He likes to take care of me. Etc. Itís just that yes Iím insecure too and feel like I like him more than he does me simply because I donít get the words from him. (He used to tell me that stuff in beginning) I do get the actions though.
    I just hope he and I are on the same page. When we first got together he told me he wants a to find someone and fall in love. He hates the dating thing. So do I. He even had me take the love language test when we first met! My first one is words of affirmations. Ik we are still very new. I couldnít imagine him saying ily to me:(Thank you.

  2. #2
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    ... and here is the warning sign...

    [I]He told me his ex wife and ex gf ended it. He said He guesses he got lazy [\I]

    When people tell you who they are, believe them. If he did not change for his ex-wife and he did not change for his ex-gf (and we can be sure that both those ladies likely tried), chances are heís not going to be able to change for you either.

    What he is saying is he is not an affectionate guy and he gets lazy. What that means is that in order for a relationship to be successful with him, he needs to date someone who is lower-than-average on the neediness scale. Someone who is confident and doesnít need too many affirmations.

    It sounds like you are average to higher-than-average on this scale.

    Take an honest look at things. Can you be happy with what heís giving now (or less? Because it usually diminishes with time). If not, you may wish to leave sooner than later.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well put by RedDress.

    Four months is still so, so earlyótoo early to know where it's all going and too early to be looking back to how things were in the "beginning" with bittersweet nostalgia. This is the beginning: time to be opening up slowly, enjoying each other's company, relaxing into things without fretting too much about what it will become, and seeing if you're compatible for the longer haul.

    Something is giving you pause, understandably. If what you need to feel secure is someone who is super effusive, showering you in love sonnets and singing your praises daily, than you might not be with the right person. He is offering plenty, by the sounds of it: spending lots of time with you, integrating you into his world, his family and friends. But if that isn't registering with you, if you need more to feel comfortable and secure, it's better to accept that than to try to extract something from someone they don't have to give. That's a recipe for frustration on all sides.

    I think one of the greatest gauges of compatibility is whether you feel calm around someoneónot just when they are around you, doting on you, but just a sense of calm living your life alongside them. That comes in many forms, for different people, and it certainly helps to come into things with a sense of calm in our own skin rather than a feeling of itchiness, agitation. Still, the general feeling is pretty universal: what one person gets through someone giving space another gets through someone singing from the mountaintop at sunrise and sundown. It's generally not something that can be forced or "worked on," but is there or isn't, and these early months are kind of about seeing if it's there or not. At the moment it sounds like you are longing for a calm this connection is not providing.

    This is a beautiful time, the early months. You can still be honest about everything, without having to blame anyoneónot him, not yourself. But you need to be really honest with yourself right now. If you need more you just...need more. That's okay. Just as it's okay if he needs someone who will be totally stoked (and totally calm) by being invited on a major trip without fretting about when those three big words will come, of even if they're coming. What's not so okay is to ignore those needs because you're petrified of losing someone, since those blinders only hold for so long and it's no fun when reality pokes holes in them.

    I do get the feeling that you are driven a lot by fear in thisóthat fear was your navigator, romantically, even before you met him. That's a tough way to go about all this, a bit like taking a road trip but white-knuckling the wheel so hard you fail to enjoy the scenery.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's only been 4 months. Give it a lot more time or at least a year.

    Also, keep in mind, some men are simply not talkers and not generous with their compliments. Silence is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Actions speak louder than words. Other men are all talk and no action which IMHO is worse.

    He doesn't want to move fast and you need to respect his pace. He's slow and cautious which I think is smarter. This is not his first rodeo. He's wary and jaded. His ex wife and ex gf ended it. Does he have kids? He's burned out. It stands to reason that he just wants to have a good time with you, travel, includes you and you should enjoy the ride!

    Change the way you think and become grateful. Count your blessings. Once you appreciate him for who he is, be grateful and you'll be happy. If he's an honorable man who treats you with respect and love, you struck gold! If you can trust him, you struck gold again. There are so many men who will tell you what you want to hear, compliment you until they're blue in the face yet they're broke as a joke, selfish, self-centered, deceitful, will betray you and jerks in numerous other ways.

    My husband isn't a huge talker. He's sort of quiet and I'm ok with it because he shows his love and respect in other ways. We enjoy good times together and other times, he's a huge help. He always helped me with our sons ever since they were tiny, takes care of ALL household chores (cleaning / laundry / cooking), errands, fixes and maintains the house, cars, I always have a full tank of gas (I never have to go to the gas station), does yard work and I prefer this type of man than a lazy man who compliments me all the time. Talk is cheap. Action is better!

    Learn to appreciate your bf's stellar qualities and accept him the way he is or choose another man who checks all your boxes.

    Some men won't change.

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  6. #5
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    You said your main love language is "words of affirmation" why does this not surprise me?

    Anyway, what's his?

    Obviously it's not same as yours, if I had to guess its "acts of service," which is how he expresses love, through action.

    If this isn't enough for you or you're unable to accept how he shows his feelings, he's not the guy for you.

    Nevermind what he did in the beginning. We often don't show our true colors until later, when things get real.

    And please stop asking him to say and behave in ways that aren't him and make him uncomfortable.

    Accept him for the man he is, what he does give you and how he chooses to express his feelings, or leave and find a man who meets your needs better.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Agreed. Honestly, what do you want an entire four months in? You're in your 50s; certainly old enough to settle your head onto your shoulders. Allow yourself the respect of holding yourself to that standard. You admit it's a "big yes" as to whether he shows you that he cares. You've met each others' families. He's taking you on a ritualistic annual trip with his friends?

    Being rank, learn to appreciate actions over words-- not that his words seem to have defied anything.

    Stay calm and keep feeling him out. How many people in your life have you known for more than 4 months? Hopefully quite a few. The dude's a blip in your radar. Keep it chill.

  8. #7
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    Wow. This is just what I needed to hear. You are all correct and such wonderful words I can actually understand and apply. It is true. I feel Iíve struck gold and yes Iím scared as he is. Iím very grateful just a very new type person Iím with compare to my history of men. And so far this one is the very best. I should add he cooks for me. Takes me out, backrubs holds my hand. Texts me good morning goodnight and thru day ! Makes sure Iím ok calls me occasionally (he hates the phone !) I just have to get used to not hearing things. And youíre right. Still so new. Iíll giYes hearing me write this makes me mad at myself now !and for I am not wanting the L word now I never asked about this anyway. I do want us both to say so in the future if itís there I just wasnít sure since Iíve heard words all my life. And agreed actions are the bestve it time thank you all very much.
    Last edited by Jenn3164; 08-13-2019 at 07:52 PM.

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    And just to know, I can't stand flowery compliments, and all the sweet talk, imo, it's so contrived.

    I much rather a man show how he feels through action, words are easy, action takes effort.

    I get you need the words though and that's okay, just don't pressure him to be that man, it's not him and he won't appreciate it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jenn3164
    I cannot ask him about where we stand anymore.
    You refer to him as your boyfriend and I'll assume you two are exclusive and not seeing anyone else.

    So at 4 months you are having fun and enjoying the company of a man who told you from the very start that he's not very good at expressing himself verbally.

    So what do you need exactly? The L word?
    If he said it would it really change anything at this point? Will it guarantee anything?

    From the sounds of it he is showing you in every way, mostly his-way how he feels. I wouldn't get hung up the word.

    Besides, this is who he is and what you signed up for. At 50 something he isn't going to change.

    I agree with Cherylyns advise. Focus on the positive and be grateful for what you do have.

  11. #10
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    Thanks tons !! Very true Katrina

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