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Thread: My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesnít say many loving things

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Also, keep in mind, what a person does NOT say is often times more important than what they do say or write. Is the man considerate and does he show you and others respect? Does he use foul language or does he refrain from it and act like a gentleman? Is he moral? Is he honorable? Can you trust him if your very life depended on it? Does he treat you with dignity and does he possess integrity? Does he have good manners? Is he selfless? Will he do things for you without your having to ask? Is he several steps ahead of you in the consideration dept? Is he a man whom you can be proud of in public and socially? Does he know how to behave properly and does he have class? To me, all those characteristic traits are so beautiful. To the OP, if your guy has these stellar qualities, appreciate them because at the end of the day, generally women appreciate the quality of a man's character which is the top of the list.

    No woman in their right mind wants to be with a jerk.

    No one wants to be with a jerk yet the jerk can be a talker and full of hot air. What good is that? It's better to be with a quiet man who doesn't talk too much. No one wants to be with a guy who is all talk and no go. Zero in on what is important which are demonstrations of love without talking.

    My cousin's husband is a talker yet he's LAZY. My BIL (bro-in-law) is the same. Both wives run around haggard to sustain their households. I think I'll keep my quiet husband's personality and character because he makes my life and marriage very comfortable and more enjoyable. Happy wife equals happy life.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've read this entire thread and all I can say is - I am not very verbal, whereas my boyfriend is. He's the one the celebrates every month passing and say's `love you!' almost every time we end a phone call.

    It doesn't make me a bad person, neglectful or any of other negative scenarios people have come up with.

    What it makes us is - different.

    My bf is very secure, it doesn't bother him and he doesn't even miss a beat when I am not able to meet him half way, verbally.

    We haven't really even discussed it. I meet his needs in every other way and he trusts how I feel about him based on my actions.

    It's really not that complicated. . at least not for us.

  3. #33
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    Itís me the OP. Pls help. And pls be kind. He and I are good. Itís been 6months but Iím feeling so in secure. He still has his ex gf up in pics in FB just about 4. I asked him about it before and he took them down there used to be about 20. They are also friends on fb but donít talk. Iíve seen him like stuff here and there. He forgot to remove the 4 or thought he did. I said itís fine donít worry about it.
    He has not put us up on fb and before has said he thought we should wait. I donít know why. I try to be cool and confident but it hurts. I like him so much so to deal with his non verbal ways to telling me nice things. He is still very action doing loving things. Holds my hand always He also didnít get me flowers for 6month or card and I reminded him of it and he said ďoh crud I forgot Iím sorry I ususally nail these things ď. So I feel so second place. So not liked. He has said we are great together he has had great 6 months and Iíve met everyone. He has said he wants to love me thatís he wants us to be great Etc. I hate to bri ng up this stuff again. I wonít ask if weíre on the same page but I want to know. Iím hurt. Idk what to do.

  4. #34
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    I should say the ex gf and he were together just less than 4 yrs. she ended it.they ended in 7/2018. He says he has had a lot of gf end with him. Says he does get scared itíll happen again. Said that one time along time ago. I had a long term too and it ended the same time frame. He never asks anything about my ex and me. Nor does he ask if Iím happy or if Iíd ever leave or if IímOn the same page etc. He is a wonderful man so far. I just need help on this before i spill it. He also gave me flowers and card for our first month ! Thank you.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. All you can do is observe if his preoccupied and obsessed behavior is and how his mind and heart do not seem to be with you, unless you complain, remind, get upset, etc. That is not really how you want to feel after 6 mos, is it?.
    Originally Posted by Jenn3164
    Itís been 6months but Iím feeling so in secure. He still has his ex gf up in pics in FB just about 4. I asked him about it before and he took them down there used to be about 20. He also didnít get me flowers for 6month or card and I reminded him of it and he said ďoh crud I forgot Iím sorry I ususally nail these things ď.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    6 month anniversary and you need a card and flowers or you get insecure? You felt you had to tell him that you expected them?
    Look, your insecurities are yours to deal with. Not his to manage.

    He's not verbal. This is who he is. Period. This is what you've signed up and are you going to be ok with that from here on. Because if the lack of flowers and flowery words causes you to spiral then you need to learn how to self soothe yourself or find another boyfriend.

  8. #37

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    You said your main love language is "words of affirmation".
    Ditto to this OP.
    I feel you are not suited to this guy. You are too needy for him and unless you find a way to change that, you'll not be happy, nor him.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying.

    The good news here is that your feelings in this relationship are consistent: you're nervous, anxious, worried it's crumbling while looking for signs (flowers, FB) that it's not. So, at 6 months you are right where you were at 4. Observe that as a fact, not a judgement, and then ask: Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in?

    That is the question to take seriously, for yourself, not to turn him into a test to answer. He's just a person, giving you what he's giving you: himself, who he is. If it's not enough, it's not enough. If you think it's enough, but that you've got a bad habit of spiralingówell, then you have to look at that habit the way a smoker looks at cigarettes: something to curb, and eradicate.

    The trouble with the way you're thinkingóthe constant testingóis that it creates a system where nothing is ever enough. You address FB, he deletes 16 pics, and you wonder what's up with the other 4. Now "4" has become a higher number than "20," thanks to wild math. You poke for flowersóso, okay, what happens when he gets you flowers for month 7? Are you over the moon, or looping in your head about whether he did it only because you poked? Are you wondering why only one dozen and not two? See what I'm saying? It's a cup with no bottom, and your drain yourself by trying to be filled up.

    Things should be pretty easy at 6 months, even at 6 years. If they are this hard this early, it is worth asking if you're on the right ride.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Question: Do you wish he asked you more about your ex? If so, it's worth asking a hard question: Do you think you are able, six months in, to see him as a person rather than as your Not Ex or Next Ex?

    Guess I'm just trying to understand why him not asking is a negative and why his wanting to make your last relationship part of this relationship a positive.

  11. #40
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    Thank you everyone. I appreciate it. Yes I spiral and yes I can be negative thinking the worst. Yes I can act like a baby. I just donít understand if he really likes me as he says and has shown, why would he not want to post me on fb. ? Iím a non entity there while she is up. It hurts. And why if he likes me would he not get a card or whatever for 6months. He said he usually nails this. Obviously he did it for her. So it makes me feel like second best. Iím just very jealous. I feel we are suited for each other. Iím just not used to such a non expressive man.

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