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Thread: My newer bf hates to talk about emotions doesnít say many loving things

  1. #11
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    Yeah I would base it all on Actions. Talk is cheap. Itís easier to say I love you then to show it for example, thatís why that word gets tossed around mindlessly so much. If heís one to move slow you need to lessen your pace to match his. Four months in the grand scheme isnít long, especially for where is this headed talks.

    I get the sense you need validation and it makes you feel good. Youíll need to get your confident high off of what he shows.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm curious: Is the advice you're getting here different from what your friends tell you?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're moving way too fast for his pace. He wants something more casual and you want an instant commitment. You know this. Your friends tell you this.. It's an in the moment enjoy type of situation. Stop pressuring him for relationship talks. He's not as into this as you are. Your intense hunger for reassurances could drive him away. It's 16 weeks. Keep saying that to yourself.

  4. #14
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    Yes I get that. Jeez Iíve agreed to it already a few times. We just clicked both of us fast. He admitted it too. And saying heís not into it as I am ? What does that mean ? Thatís exactly what I donít want. It looks like we are both into it. He just has a much better relaxed way about him about everything. Itís something others learn like I am doing.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Even though he knows your love language, I'm not sure why he doesn't fill your love tank properly. This seems beyond lazy. It's encroaching on negligent while still intending to date or see you. Feels like a twilight zone here.

    Of course he's relaxed. You're treating him as if your bond is unconditional and way too strung out. You're doing all the worrying for the both of you. This is not cool. Try to recognize when situations are not healthy for you and when you're not compatible with someone. I don't like the way he shuts out conversations about where you both stand as a couple either - this spells trouble in terms of your communications later on and how you both have difficult conversations that one or neither might want to have. It's not about one overpowering the other or influencing the other into believing the other person is not important enough or their desires or thoughts are not valid enough. You will both have to come together more maturely at some point and be able to speak about your differences and what you seek in a relationship. You clearly want more out of four months of dating. I don't think you should ignore that or what makes you happy.

    I also sensed some nervousness coming from you about the friends outing. The nervousness and some fear I'm feeling comes from your comment in following his exes. I'm not sure why you agreed to it so soon. Was it to please him? I'm curious if you feel it increases your value or worth around him as a partner but you haven't actually asked yourself if it's something you want to do.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 08-14-2019 at 12:42 AM.

  7. #16
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    So are you saying I should not of said yes to go? I said yes because we a good together and itís a couples trip too. Iím so confused now. I get what the earlier posters say that take it easy slow and have fun itís still new that he is showing me a lot of ways he likes me but I donít want to be into it more than he is. Very confused. So what should I do if yes he isnít trying to work on it ? I But in others ways he does show lots of great actions to me. I mean he texts me so much and says sweet things there and always says be safe when I leave to and from work etc etc How do u see Iím being unconditional? I really donít want to seem that way. I think Iím pretty cool, relaxed. Just had the 2 or so talks.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you should do what you feel is right. You seem to give information in pieces - sometimes it's not great info, other times it's great info. You really ought to dig deeper and get a grip on why you feel so uncomfortable around him sometimes or why he makes you feel so nervous. If you have questions about what he means on something you should ask him. He should tell you what he means.

    What might be the problem here is that you feel too scared or intimidated to bring up conversations with him after being shut down earlier. I edited my post above to include some thoughts on that. Communication should be open between the both of you. I'm sorry but I'm sensing a lot of intimidation, fear and nervousness from you that's unnatural and very offputting. You shouldn't feel so worried or anxious. Do you have any history of anxiety or difficulty processing emotions/fears? Even if you feel this way I think it's up to us to not only work things out but be with people (other personalities) that are compatible with us and able to understand that kind of anxiety. He shouldn't bring this out in you to this level or your interactions at four months shouldn't cause you to question the relationship overall but yet they (those interactions) have. Why?

  9. #18
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    Yeah I agree. He always says keep communication open but he admits he has some walls up. But yes we are still new too. I feel uncomfortable at times because he doesnít say how he feels about me. He definitely shows me though. His actions are great. He also doenst ask me much about my past he says thatíll all come out as time goes by. But when we are together I feel happy and comfortable. Itís just when those thoughts pop up I get worried. Iím basically insecure in general -working on it lol. I never want to be into someone & they arenít into me. But maybe this is just a difference Btwn he and I ? Ppl are all different and Iím just not used to this type.

    When I brought up something I wasnít feeling ok with he did say that he never wants me to feel this way so he changed it. But Iím just worrying about continuing and I get hurt again. I Had a bad ending of a long long relationship in early 2018. & his long term relationship ended same time as mine did as well. They are were amicable though I should probably just go with flow relax have fun and wait awhile to see if we get more serious. Just scared.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jenn3164
    I never want to be into someone & they arenít into me.
    This right here is what's feeding your anxiety and fear. Try and recognize that everything in life has a risk. Learn to manage your expectations also and if you have high expectations or lowered expectations (due to fear - ie expecting the worst), recognize it immediately and counteract it thoughtfully, with some heart. If you feel yourself slipping into a darker space, learn to recognize that. Don't be afraid of losing control either because we cannot always be in control of a situation all the time. When you give into falling in love and placing your trust in someone, what you're doing is sharing the responsibility of the relationship. When you say "I never want to be into someone and they aren't into me" it tells me that you aren't quite ready to let go and fall in love or place your trust in someone. You're taking it all on yourself and that's a great burden to bear. You're not sharing that through trust in each other. This takes time so like you said, best to see how it goes and enjoy the journey.

    My suggestion is to cultivate more of that trust and confidence in yourself and learn to trust others. You can only trust someone else when you've healed and learn to place complete trust in yourself. This means both giving and taking responsibility in the relationship equally and learning that give and take, and also acknowledging when things are out of your power. Don't assume that role permanently, try and be more fluid about it and give and take. It's not a place that one person can shoulder all by his or herself. Share that and be open to loving and trust each other equally. This man doesn't sound so bad at all and he's not giving into your anxious or fearful state either which is important.

  11. #20
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    RoseMosse. Thank you so very much. You have wonderful insight and advice. I really appreciate it. I will be trying for sure.

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