The guy I’m seeing is still friends with a girl he used to sleep with

I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago, we aren’t in a committed relationship yet but it’s very possible that it turns into such a relationship because we get along so well.

But there’s something that’s been eating away at me. He is very honest with me and told me early on about this girl that he used to casually sleep with & that they are still friends. She has a boyfriend and would cheat on him occasionally. They aren’t best friends or anything but they still do talk. He will tell me that she’ll ask to come up and see him and he says no because he knows she will just try to sleep with him. I don’t get why he is still friends with her when he can’t even trust her. I wouldn’t want to continue being friends with a guy that I know will try to get me in bed. I think what bothers me most about it all is that he doesn’t seem uncomfortable by this, that he essentially can’t trust her.

He knows that this bothers me but I don’t think he will do anything about it. Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous. I don’t want to tell him he can’t talk to her anymore but I desperately wish she would just fall of the face of the earth and never speak to him again. I can’t shake the feeling.

What should I do?

As you say, you are not in a committed relationship, and until you are, you aren't entitled to make terms about whom he can talk to.

You dont get to determine who he talks to. In a committed relationship you can express your views but not now. If it bothers you that much perhaps he's not the right guy for you.

I talked to a counselor about a similar situation. She said it is completely fine for a partner to be friends with people they used to be intimate with, as long as healthy boundaries are set in place and maintained. It would appear this guy has set a boundary with this woman, which is to not see her in the manner she presented him with.

As mentioned previously, you have no say in who he chooses to be friends with. However, once you talk about becoming mutually official/exclusive, you do have a say in what you are/aren't comfortable with and what boundaries you both want to establish. Once you two talk it out, then you can determine if you can live with the outcome, or not. If not, either you won't get together, or he may have to make a choice between the friendship or a relationship with you. I wouldn't count on the latter though.

No one is wrong here. This is a conflict of boundaries; you are right to uphold yours while he is in the right to uphold his. I hope this helps.

Can I ask how old you guys are?

I can't help but think that your instinct here—that likes seeing you jealous—is correct. And that is just not cool, and a preview into a dynamic with a high probability of getting less and less cool the more you invest emotionally. There is a fine line—actually not so fine—between being respectfully honest with someone and flinging "truths" at someone to keep them off-kilter. He's crossing it in pretty lame ways that says a lot about his character: a bit shady, a bit insecure, a bit immature.

The early, non-committed days are the time to observe someone—who they are, how you feel around them, how the two of you communicate, in order to decide if you want to commit. I can't imagine many self-resecting women who would be thrilled to commit to guy who cultivates friendships like this and brags about them sideways to new romantic potentials.

So, what to do?

I would tell him more or less exactly what you've written here. Just stick to the facts, speaking from a place of calm and self-respect: "Hey, I like you, like what we have here and seeing where it could go. But I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone who cultivates friendships with people they don't trust and maintain a sexual charge with. No judgement, and the last thing I want is to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. But it's just not how I work and I can't see myself working with someone who prioritizes these sorts of relationships."

And then you continue to observe. Does he get defensive? Does he make you feel like a jealous freak for bringing it up? If so, you know he's not boyfriend material. Or does he listen, hear you, take your feelings seriously, and perhaps realize that he's being a bit of a dunce, as all us humans can be from time to time? Okay, maybe there's room to keep exploring, stepping toward commitment, establishing boundaries that work for both of you. That way it's not about policing and setting rules, but telling someone who you are and seeing if you guys are a good, genuine match.

Then again, you might want to just take moment to consider if even having a conversation like that is something you want to be part of early romance. In other words: Is this something you even want to spend your time on?

>>He knows that this bothers me but I don’t think he will do anything about it. Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous.

You know why he does it, so don't react when he mentions her. Don't get jealous.

In one ear and out the other, ignore his comments, change the subject.

Also, if me, at only two months in, I would re-think this relationship, not because he has this female "friend" but because of this sick need he has to rub it in your face, in an attempt to elicit a jealous reaction.

He wasn't being "honest," it was over-sharing, TMI that wasn't necessary to share in so much detail the way he did. And continues to do.

It's also immature, insecure and ego driven and guys who use these sorts of "shyt" tests to elicit reactions are bad news imo.

I would give same advice to men, cause some women do this too.

I mean, you were here two months ago asking whether to take a break from your then 5-year relationship. You're really so desperate not to suffer any period of time being single that you'd start preemptively jamming round pegs into square holes? What anyone thinks is kinda irrelevant. He's told you outright what his boundaries are and how he exercises them. You're either game for that or you're not. Obviously, you're not. Take people as they are, not as you think they should be. Again, big IF, but if by chance he were taking things halfway as seriously as you are, you know what lies ahead. Can't blame anyone but yourself should you consciously walk into it.

It's not her who is the problem here, it's him. You are seeing this guy's character, or rather lack off. The wise thing to do when you see such big red flags is to walk away while the going is still easy. You aren't in a committed relationship, it's still early going, you still aren't that invested. He is showing you who he is - believe him. Do you want to get stuck in this kind of drama? Personally, I'd be long gone. There are so many guys out there you can have plenty of in common with, why chose the rotten fish from the bottom of the barrel?

Ask yourself or better yet, ask him why he is telling you all this. Is he insecure? It's not this fwb you shouldn't trust it's this guy. He sounds like a bragging idiot. Don't get jealous, get rid of him.

He is very honest with me and told me early on about this girl that he used to casually sleep with & that they are still friends.

He will tell me that she’ll ask to come up and see him and he says no because he knows she will just try to sleep with him.

He knows that this bothers me but I don’t think he will do anything about it.

Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous.

Hey, I like you, like what we have here and seeing where it could go. But I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone who cultivates friendships with people they don't trust and maintain a sexual charge with. No judgement, and the last thing I want is to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. But it's just not how I work and I can't see myself working with someone who prioritizes these sorts of relationships."

Perfect advice from Bluecastle.

The guy you're dating is informing you exactly how it is to let you know he likes the ego boost of an ex who flirts with him and tries to get in his pants, and he wants to keep her around as a fan. Basically, he thinks he's being smart because he's getting it out in the open so there is nothing to hide. And he wants a woman who is okay with him crossing relationship boundaries (well, not yet, but if you became exclusive, it'd be a normal relationship boundary many couples would choose to abide by).

Basically, if a relationship is regularly upsetting and frustrating, it means it's not the right one for you. Instead of choosing a man you want to change in a major way, try choosing a man you don't want to change--one who matches you in relationship boundaries and all of the other major ways.

I'd basically communicate the words blue castle so well articulated. If the guy can't see that he will be driving away most good romantic prospects with his inappropriate behavior, then let him be stupid alone.

Could this be the reason you're dating a fool like this 2mo. guy?

This is the best, and longest, relationship I've ever been in (5 years). Maybe because we don't have issues I am getting bored? I also have mental issues that I need to work on, I am going to see a therapist within the next month. I feel extremely overwhelmed with life, and at the same time I'm really confused and lost, and I need to figure out what I want. The last thing I want is to hurt my boyfriend with reckless behavior, and I feel like that's coming, like I might cheat on him or something.

He likes to keep her around for the ego boost. Doesn't say much about his character if he was sleeping with her while having a bf. You know that he is a sleaze, either you accept this, or you don't. I wouldn't. He is the problem, not her.

You got out of a 5-year relationship 2 months back. Why did you not give yourself at least 6 months to heal? Do you always have to be with a man?

J.man's astute post led me back to the (not so long ago) archives.

It's kind of understandable why you might find all this compelling right now. Two months ago you were saying that you felt some "reckless behavior" was gurgling up inside you, instincts and desires not exactly conducive to being in a relationship. Heck, you yourself engaging in a "friendship" that you acknowledged had no place inside your relationship. Now you're engaging with someone who, somewhat recklessly, cultivates such friendships without apology—and, best I can tell, that engagement started approximately 8 seconds after you ended your 5 year relationship.

Coincidence?

Perhaps this guy felt "safe" because his own blurred boundaries and sexually charged landscape matched your own rebound-driven thirst for sizzle and danger. Fine. But much better to own that than to try to turn danger into safety or recklessness into sensibility the moment playing with fire starts to burn. Even better to own that maybe, just maybe, the best way to heal and treat the mental unrest you described in June isn't to put yourself into emotionally and mentally taxing situations.

So while I stand by my first post as the advice I'd give someone who was genuinely ready for and interested in getting into a committed relationship, I'd also challenge you to ask if you're actually interested in that, actually ready for that, or if you're kind of trying right now to get what you didn't have in your last relationship (sizzle, recklessness) while also getting what you probably miss right now (stability, comfort, security).

@Andrina, ideally what bc suggested is solid advice but practically-speaking, rarely have I seen anything positive come from it.

My experience is certain guys (like him) don't respond well to "talk" they respond to "action," like ignoring it or leaving.

He most likely will become defensive and turn it back on her, gaslight her, again my experience with men who play these games and jealousy tests.

At only two months in, which is the time to observe whether or not someone is the right fit for us, I'd choose the latter (leave).

Not as a game or test, but simply because he's not the right fit for me.

That said, if she chooses to take bc's advice and talk to him, I would love to know how he reacts/responds to it, and will be shocked if anything positive results from it, other than her ultimately walking away, which she would be wise to do now imo.

Agree. Vacillating between good guys ('boring') and bad boys (exciting) is going to be a lot of wear and tear until you decide what you want. You can call it "quarter-life crisis" or whatever you wish but if you had a sheltered religious life and are just now rebelling, it will be a fun albeit exhausting roller coaster ride. However, it's better to get the bad boy and jerk thing out of your system rather than settle down with an ass like this guy. Alternatively, take up some sports and activities for your adrenaline rushes.

Perhaps this guy felt "safe" because his own blurred boundaries and sexually charged landscape matched your own rebound-driven thirst for sizzle and danger. Fine. But much better to own that than to try to turn danger into safety or recklessness into sensibility the moment playing with fire starts to burn.

Out of curiosity - what are your dealbreakers, OP? In general.

For me, the big 3 are:

- if someone is on drugs/drinks excessively

- if someone is chronically unemployed/underemployed (I want someone who can support themselves)

- if someone has recent exes or lovers “orbiting”

Of course, I’m not talking about the mother of his kids who he needs to interact with. Or the girl he dated for a hot second 10 years ago who happens to be on his volleyball team. I’m talking about recent lovers who he could reasonably call up for sex and it might happen - who he insists on maintaining contact with. Those are all just things I would not want to deal with...

Why turn yourself into the crazy jealous/controlling girl who tries to tell him who he can and can’t be friends with? Simply date people who have appropriate relationship boundaries and this isn’t a problem...

My take on this, is he's prepping you in order to cover his tracks if this incident should become questionable. Either way, why allow yourself to invest your time in someone who throws off these type of vibes?

I'd trust my intuition and send him packing.

Two things. Bluecastles advice is 100% spot on.

And "oh poor me I slept with my pretty female friend life is bad" said no man ever.

He's friends with her because she's fun, and he's keeping her around because she's "fun!"

He's telling you because technically if you know and don't put your foot down you can't blame him for being dishonest.

I would just drop him and find someone else. I know he doesn't owe you any explanation because your not official but when/if you end up being official it's safe to say she will still be in his life on the side and that friendship will ALWAYS make you uncomfortable.

Since she's known him longer it's not like you can walk in and start making demands and ending friendships.

Leave them to their mess... this is a red flag that will only intensify.

Most adults cut contact with their sex buddies the second they start stepping into the dating scene. Out of respect for you and within his goal of finding someone, she should've taken a back burner and he shouldve geared his attention to his dating life. That's an inappropriate friendship to have. The moment he decided to start dating around he shoildve reduced contact.

The fact they still sound relatively close is pretty damning imo. It really tells you what his intentions are.

He might be dating around but keeping her in close proximity basically says, "I'm having fun and dating around but if that doesn't work out, I can always get back to my sex buddy."

Op, it doesn't sound like he's serious about finding true love.

I see this friendship more dangerous than a friends with ex's. With ex's/in a relationship at least you have some connection and you're able to intellectually determine if you're not compatible giving solid reasons why it would be a bad idea to romantically reconcile. But with a sex buddy, all you need is sexual attraction, making it easier to fall back into a friends with benefits situation the second he feels sexually deprived

Annie, if you're still around and reading these responses, a good friend gave me excellent advice a few years ago.

Choose wisely at the beginning and avoid disappointment and heartbreak later.

Words that have served me well these past few years.

Two months = beginning stages.

Choose wisely, imo choosing this guy, you would not be.

A friend of mine has a great nonsensical commentary on this kind of thing--that actually makes sense:

"Pooty-Tang is as Pooty-Tang does."

I think he's testing you. These are still early days. If you aren't as vocal with him as you are here with us, I'd be a little more forthright and be a bit more of a straight shooter around him. You won't be doing it for him. You'll be doing it for yourself. Instead of stewing on it privately and being upset that some guy has the gall to run around with his old bed buddy, you're empowering yourself by doing something about it and making up your mind about how you feel about it.

You might also want to consider the high likelihood that your speaking outloud will have low impact on him and the reason I'm saying this is because he doesn't seem like he can help himself (he may find the attention from her addictive). It's called low impulse control. It's a good idea to acknowledge that you have your differences but recognize traits that you don't find positive to your wellbeing. You might be able to better regulate your expectations knowing this even while empowering yourself and speaking your mind about what doesn't feel good for you.

You've already said that you've let him know it bothers you - how you said it, I don't know. There's the vague sort of hint and there's the more pointed and clear comment that what he's doing is inappropriate if he's dating you. You should be specific if it's inappropriate to you.

Beyond that, you should pair your actions with your words.

It won't be a game changer until you're in a committed relationship with him. For now, he has more freedom to do as he chooses since he's not in a relationship with you. You and this guy are just friends at the moment.

Once you're in a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, this would be the time to address that he needs to remain completely loyal and devoted to you and only you. Two's company, three's a crowd.

I don't know if he wants to see you jealous. Only you know if he's into mind games. I think he's naive and doesn't know how or when to decline his social life with his ex sleeping partner. He needs to smarten up, learn to know what the definition of "space and boundaries" with this ex sleeping partner. Or, better yet, become mature enough to tell this ex girl to go their separate ways especially out of common sense respect for HER new boyfriend. He needs to behave properly especially when he starts to have a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you.

Until then, you have no say so in the matter. It's his life, he has no ties to you regarding a serious relationship yet and you have to let him do what he does. Just remember, the rules need to change once he sees you exclusively in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Be clear on that!

I agree with others. This new guy's behavior is off and it's obvious he's weak minded and doesn't exercise good judgment which will spell trouble for him later. He creates temptation for himself which again, will cause troubles with him, his ex sleeping partner and let's not forget her boyfriend! This new guy in your life is messy. You are the one who needs to determine if he's a keeper or has a risky personality and character for you. Do you want to be with a guy who doesn't know how to conduct himself and behave honorably? Do you want to be with a guy whom you cannot trust with all your heart? Those are the type of heavy questions you need to ask yourself.

You're the one who has to be wise and choose the right partner for yourself otherwise a questionable guy will give you a nightmarish life in the future. Beware.

I don't buy any premise that you're powerless about this unless you're in a committed relationship. Dating IS the time to weed out bad matches. It's up to the guy whether he wants to be a good match for you or not, but he can't know that unless you tell him.

I'd call him. I'd tell him, "I've been thinking about what you said about the friend you've slept with. It bothers me, because I really like you, but my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still in contact with an ex beyond shared children. So to preserve any future potential for us, I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you want to pick things back up with me, and you're completely free and clear of all contact with past lovers, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

Boom. Done. You're outta that mess, and the guy is free to keep messing with his ex or drop her--the choice is his. I'd use this time to gain clarity about how I'd really feel about continuing to date a guy who tried to manipulate jealousy from me. It's not exactly a trust-builder.