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Thread: The guy Iím seeing is still friends with a girl he used to sleep with

  1. #1
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    The guy Iím seeing is still friends with a girl he used to sleep with

    I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago, we arenít in a committed relationship yet but itís very possible that it turns into such a relationship because we get along so well.
    But thereís something thatís been eating away at me. He is very honest with me and told me early on about this girl that he used to casually sleep with & that they are still friends. She has a boyfriend and would cheat on him occasionally. They arenít best friends or anything but they still do talk. He will tell me that sheíll ask to come up and see him and he says no because he knows she will just try to sleep with him. I donít get why he is still friends with her when he canít even trust her. I wouldnít want to continue being friends with a guy that I know will try to get me in bed. I think what bothers me most about it all is that he doesnít seem uncomfortable by this, that he essentially canít trust her.
    He knows that this bothers me but I donít think he will do anything about it. Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous. I donít want to tell him he canít talk to her anymore but I desperately wish she would just fall of the face of the earth and never speak to him again. I canít shake the feeling.
    What should I do?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    As you say, you are not in a committed relationship, and until you are, you aren't entitled to make terms about whom he can talk to.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You dont get to determine who he talks to. In a committed relationship you can express your views but not now. If it bothers you that much perhaps he's not the right guy for you.

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    I talked to a counselor about a similar situation. She said it is completely fine for a partner to be friends with people they used to be intimate with, as long as healthy boundaries are set in place and maintained. It would appear this guy has set a boundary with this woman, which is to not see her in the manner she presented him with.

    As mentioned previously, you have no say in who he chooses to be friends with. However, once you talk about becoming mutually official/exclusive, you do have a say in what you are/aren't comfortable with and what boundaries you both want to establish. Once you two talk it out, then you can determine if you can live with the outcome, or not. If not, either you won't get together, or he may have to make a choice between the friendship or a relationship with you. I wouldn't count on the latter though.

    No one is wrong here. This is a conflict of boundaries; you are right to uphold yours while he is in the right to uphold his. I hope this helps.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    I can't help but think that your instinct hereóthat likes seeing you jealousóis correct. And that is just not cool, and a preview into a dynamic with a high probability of getting less and less cool the more you invest emotionally. There is a fine lineóactually not so fineóbetween being respectfully honest with someone and flinging "truths" at someone to keep them off-kilter. He's crossing it in pretty lame ways that says a lot about his character: a bit shady, a bit insecure, a bit immature.

    The early, non-committed days are the time to observe someoneówho they are, how you feel around them, how the two of you communicate, in order to decide if you want to commit. I can't imagine many self-resecting women who would be thrilled to commit to guy who cultivates friendships like this and brags about them sideways to new romantic potentials.

    So, what to do?

    I would tell him more or less exactly what you've written here. Just stick to the facts, speaking from a place of calm and self-respect: "Hey, I like you, like what we have here and seeing where it could go. But I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone who cultivates friendships with people they don't trust and maintain a sexual charge with. No judgement, and the last thing I want is to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. But it's just not how I work and I can't see myself working with someone who prioritizes these sorts of relationships."

    And then you continue to observe. Does he get defensive? Does he make you feel like a jealous freak for bringing it up? If so, you know he's not boyfriend material. Or does he listen, hear you, take your feelings seriously, and perhaps realize that he's being a bit of a dunce, as all us humans can be from time to time? Okay, maybe there's room to keep exploring, stepping toward commitment, establishing boundaries that work for both of you. That way it's not about policing and setting rules, but telling someone who you are and seeing if you guys are a good, genuine match.

    Then again, you might want to just take moment to consider if even having a conversation like that is something you want to be part of early romance. In other words: Is this something you even want to spend your time on?

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    >>He knows that this bothers me but I donít think he will do anything about it. Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous.<<

    You know why he does it, so don't react when he mentions her. Don't get jealous.

    In one ear and out the other, ignore his comments, change the subject.

    Also, if me, at only two months in, I would re-think this relationship, not because he has this female "friend" but because of this sick need he has to rub it in your face, in an attempt to elicit a jealous reaction.

    He wasn't being "honest," it was over-sharing, TMI that wasn't necessary to share in so much detail the way he did. And continues to do.

    It's also immature, insecure and ego driven and guys who use these sorts of "shyt" tests to elicit reactions are bad news imo.

    I would give same advice to men, cause some women do this too.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-13-2019 at 10:18 AM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean, you were here two months ago asking whether to take a break from your then 5-year relationship. You're really so desperate not to suffer any period of time being single that you'd start preemptively jamming round pegs into square holes? What anyone thinks is kinda irrelevant. He's told you outright what his boundaries are and how he exercises them. You're either game for that or you're not. Obviously, you're not. Take people as they are, not as you think they should be. Again, big IF, but if by chance he were taking things halfway as seriously as you are, you know what lies ahead. Can't blame anyone but yourself should you consciously walk into it.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's not her who is the problem here, it's him. You are seeing this guy's character, or rather lack off. The wise thing to do when you see such big red flags is to walk away while the going is still easy. You aren't in a committed relationship, it's still early going, you still aren't that invested. He is showing you who he is - believe him. Do you want to get stuck in this kind of drama? Personally, I'd be long gone. There are so many guys out there you can have plenty of in common with, why chose the rotten fish from the bottom of the barrel?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask yourself or better yet, ask him why he is telling you all this. Is he insecure? It's not this fwb you shouldn't trust it's this guy. He sounds like a bragging idiot. Don't get jealous, get rid of him.
    Originally Posted by annie-47
    He is very honest with me and told me early on about this girl that he used to casually sleep with & that they are still friends.
    He will tell me that sheíll ask to come up and see him and he says no because he knows she will just try to sleep with him.
    He knows that this bothers me but I donít think he will do anything about it.
    Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Hey, I like you, like what we have here and seeing where it could go. But I can't see myself being in a relationship with someone who cultivates friendships with people they don't trust and maintain a sexual charge with. No judgement, and the last thing I want is to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. But it's just not how I work and I can't see myself working with someone who prioritizes these sorts of relationships."

    Perfect advice from Bluecastle.

    The guy you're dating is informing you exactly how it is to let you know he likes the ego boost of an ex who flirts with him and tries to get in his pants, and he wants to keep her around as a fan. Basically, he thinks he's being smart because he's getting it out in the open so there is nothing to hide. And he wants a woman who is okay with him crossing relationship boundaries (well, not yet, but if you became exclusive, it'd be a normal relationship boundary many couples would choose to abide by).

    Basically, if a relationship is regularly upsetting and frustrating, it means it's not the right one for you. Instead of choosing a man you want to change in a major way, try choosing a man you don't want to change--one who matches you in relationship boundaries and all of the other major ways.

    I'd basically communicate the words blue castle so well articulated. If the guy can't see that he will be driving away most good romantic prospects with his inappropriate behavior, then let him be stupid alone.

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