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Thread: The guy Iím seeing is still friends with a girl he used to sleep with

  1. #21
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    Annie, if you're still around and reading these responses, a good friend gave me excellent advice a few years ago.

    Choose wisely at the beginning and avoid disappointment and heartbreak later.

    Words that have served me well these past few years.

    Two months = beginning stages.

    Choose wisely, imo choosing this guy, you would not be.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-13-2019 at 02:18 PM.

  2. #22
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    A friend of mine has a great nonsensical commentary on this kind of thing--that actually makes sense:

    "Pooty-Tang is as Pooty-Tang does."

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think he's testing you. These are still early days. If you aren't as vocal with him as you are here with us, I'd be a little more forthright and be a bit more of a straight shooter around him. You won't be doing it for him. You'll be doing it for yourself. Instead of stewing on it privately and being upset that some guy has the gall to run around with his old bed buddy, you're empowering yourself by doing something about it and making up your mind about how you feel about it.

    You might also want to consider the high likelihood that your speaking outloud will have low impact on him and the reason I'm saying this is because he doesn't seem like he can help himself (he may find the attention from her addictive). It's called low impulse control. It's a good idea to acknowledge that you have your differences but recognize traits that you don't find positive to your wellbeing. You might be able to better regulate your expectations knowing this even while empowering yourself and speaking your mind about what doesn't feel good for you.

    You've already said that you've let him know it bothers you - how you said it, I don't know. There's the vague sort of hint and there's the more pointed and clear comment that what he's doing is inappropriate if he's dating you. You should be specific if it's inappropriate to you.

    Beyond that, you should pair your actions with your words.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It won't be a game changer until you're in a committed relationship with him. For now, he has more freedom to do as he chooses since he's not in a relationship with you. You and this guy are just friends at the moment.

    Once you're in a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, this would be the time to address that he needs to remain completely loyal and devoted to you and only you. Two's company, three's a crowd.

    I don't know if he wants to see you jealous. Only you know if he's into mind games. I think he's naive and doesn't know how or when to decline his social life with his ex sleeping partner. He needs to smarten up, learn to know what the definition of "space and boundaries" with this ex sleeping partner. Or, better yet, become mature enough to tell this ex girl to go their separate ways especially out of common sense respect for HER new boyfriend. He needs to behave properly especially when he starts to have a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you.

    Until then, you have no say so in the matter. It's his life, he has no ties to you regarding a serious relationship yet and you have to let him do what he does. Just remember, the rules need to change once he sees you exclusively in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Be clear on that!

    I agree with others. This new guy's behavior is off and it's obvious he's weak minded and doesn't exercise good judgment which will spell trouble for him later. He creates temptation for himself which again, will cause troubles with him, his ex sleeping partner and let's not forget her boyfriend! This new guy in your life is messy. You are the one who needs to determine if he's a keeper or has a risky personality and character for you. Do you want to be with a guy who doesn't know how to conduct himself and behave honorably? Do you want to be with a guy whom you cannot trust with all your heart? Those are the type of heavy questions you need to ask yourself.

    You're the one who has to be wise and choose the right partner for yourself otherwise a questionable guy will give you a nightmarish life in the future. Beware.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I don't buy any premise that you're powerless about this unless you're in a committed relationship. Dating IS the time to weed out bad matches. It's up to the guy whether he wants to be a good match for you or not, but he can't know that unless you tell him.

    I'd call him. I'd tell him, "I've been thinking about what you said about the friend you've slept with. It bothers me, because I really like you, but my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still in contact with an ex beyond shared children. So to preserve any future potential for us, I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever decide that you want to pick things back up with me, and you're completely free and clear of all contact with past lovers, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    Boom. Done. You're outta that mess, and the guy is free to keep messing with his ex or drop her--the choice is his. I'd use this time to gain clarity about how I'd really feel about continuing to date a guy who tried to manipulate jealousy from me. It's not exactly a trust-builder.

  7. #26
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    Yeah, i wouldn't be with someone who is friends with someone who tries to get them to sleep with them....still. It shows a clear lack of boundaries on his part...or he likes it! Maybe since i am a little older, I would say "not for me" and find someone else. Let him be him, and walk away with your dignity in tact. I get that you are only dating 8 weeks, if you were not exclusive but not sleeping together, its fair to go on coffee dates with others and then pair off with you or one of them but the whole "hey, i slept with her and not only that, she tries to invite herself over to try to sleep with me" no bueno. The first few weeks of dating are about deciding if the person passes the muster to continue with you, and that would not pass the muster with me. I just don't have time for that nonsense. Sure, you "can't tell him who to talk to" but you also don't have to put up with a relationship like that, if you catch my drift.

  8. #27
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    you aren't in a relationship, so until then it shouldn't matter what he does.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    All of the above, with an emphasis on:
    (because it wasn't said enough)
    -> this guy's bed buddy was cheating on her boyfriend, with him.

    Why he chose to share this with you?! I dunno.
    Not very smart.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    All of the above, with an emphasis on:
    (because it wasn't said enough)
    -> this guy's bed buddy was cheating on her boyfriend, with him.

    Why he chose to share this with you?! I dunno.
    Not very smart.
    Yeah, this is the issue for me too.

    Sure, he's "allowed" to do what he wants since you're not exclusive but for the love ***, exercise some class and discretion and keep it to yourself!

    Don't mistake this for "honesty," there was absolutely no need to share all that with you other than to elicit a jealous reaction, rile you up; it was a bog standard shyt test, plain and simple.

    And guys who play that game? Stay away from them! Nothing good or positive will ever come from it.

    And I give the same advice to men when women pull that same bs too.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by annie-47
    I started seeing this guy about 2 months ago, we arenít in a committed relationship yet but itís very possible that it turns into such a relationship because we get along so well.
    But thereís something thatís been eating away at me. He is very honest with me and told me early on about this girl that he used to casually sleep with & that they are still friends. She has a boyfriend and would cheat on him occasionally. They arenít best friends or anything but they still do talk. He will tell me that sheíll ask to come up and see him and he says no because he knows she will just try to sleep with him. I donít get why he is still friends with her when he canít even trust her. I wouldnít want to continue being friends with a guy that I know will try to get me in bed. I think what bothers me most about it all is that he doesnít seem uncomfortable by this, that he essentially canít trust her.
    He knows that this bothers me but I donít think he will do anything about it. Part of me thinks he likes seeing me jealous. I donít want to tell him he canít talk to her anymore but I desperately wish she would just fall of the face of the earth and never speak to him again. I canít shake the feeling.
    What should I do?
    If it's something you're not comfortable with, you have to be willing to draw the line and risk losing the relationship.

    Here's what I would say*: "Hey guy, I have a lot of fun with you, and I can see this going somewhere. But I can't move forward with this friend of yours hanging around."

    Then be willing to discuss the situation.

    If he can't budge from his position, then you should give up on him and move on to greener pastures. He's not the guy for you. And you're not the girl for him. Your relationship needs are ultimately different.

    ----------------------------------
    *Frankly, I'd probably move on without saying anything. I'd be turned off by the fact that he was participating in an affair with the fwb, and the fwb is still in his life while he's dating me.

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