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Thread: The guy Iím seeing is still friends with a girl he used to sleep with

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Could this be the reason you're dating a fool like this 2mo. guy?
    Originally Posted by annie-47
    This is the best, and longest, relationship I've ever been in (5 years). Maybe because we don't have issues I am getting bored? I also have mental issues that I need to work on, I am going to see a therapist within the next month. I feel extremely overwhelmed with life, and at the same time I'm really confused and lost, and I need to figure out what I want. The last thing I want is to hurt my boyfriend with reckless behavior, and I feel like that's coming, like I might cheat on him or something.

  2. #12
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    He likes to keep her around for the ego boost. Doesn't say much about his character if he was sleeping with her while having a bf. You know that he is a sleaze, either you accept this, or you don't. I wouldn't. He is the problem, not her.

    You got out of a 5-year relationship 2 months back. Why did you not give yourself at least 6 months to heal? Do you always have to be with a man?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    J.man's astute post led me back to the (not so long ago) archives.

    It's kind of understandable why you might find all this compelling right now. Two months ago you were saying that you felt some "reckless behavior" was gurgling up inside you, instincts and desires not exactly conducive to being in a relationship. Heck, you yourself engaging in a "friendship" that you acknowledged had no place inside your relationship. Now you're engaging with someone who, somewhat recklessly, cultivates such friendships without apologyóand, best I can tell, that engagement started approximately 8 seconds after you ended your 5 year relationship.

    Coincidence?

    Perhaps this guy felt "safe" because his own blurred boundaries and sexually charged landscape matched your own rebound-driven thirst for sizzle and danger. Fine. But much better to own that than to try to turn danger into safety or recklessness into sensibility the moment playing with fire starts to burn. Even better to own that maybe, just maybe, the best way to heal and treat the mental unrest you described in June isn't to put yourself into emotionally and mentally taxing situations.

    So while I stand by my first post as the advice I'd give someone who was genuinely ready for and interested in getting into a committed relationship, I'd also challenge you to ask if you're actually interested in that, actually ready for that, or if you're kind of trying right now to get what you didn't have in your last relationship (sizzle, recklessness) while also getting what you probably miss right now (stability, comfort, security).

  4. #14
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    @Andrina, ideally what bc suggested is solid advice but practically-speaking, rarely have I seen anything positive come from it.

    My experience is certain guys (like him) don't respond well to "talk" they respond to "action," like ignoring it or leaving.

    He most likely will become defensive and turn it back on her, gaslight her, again my experience with men who play these games and jealousy tests.

    At only two months in, which is the time to observe whether or not someone is the right fit for us, I'd choose the latter (leave).

    Not as a game or test, but simply because he's not the right fit for me.

    That said, if she chooses to take bc's advice and talk to him, I would love to know how he reacts/responds to it, and will be shocked if anything positive results from it, other than her ultimately walking away, which she would be wise to do now imo.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-13-2019 at 11:42 AM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Vacillating between good guys ('boring') and bad boys (exciting) is going to be a lot of wear and tear until you decide what you want. You can call it "quarter-life crisis" or whatever you wish but if you had a sheltered religious life and are just now rebelling, it will be a fun albeit exhausting roller coaster ride. However, it's better to get the bad boy and jerk thing out of your system rather than settle down with an ass like this guy. Alternatively, take up some sports and activities for your adrenaline rushes.
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Perhaps this guy felt "safe" because his own blurred boundaries and sexually charged landscape matched your own rebound-driven thirst for sizzle and danger. Fine. But much better to own that than to try to turn danger into safety or recklessness into sensibility the moment playing with fire starts to burn.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 08-13-2019 at 12:13 PM.

  7. #16
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    Out of curiosity - what are your dealbreakers, OP? In general.

    For me, the big 3 are:
    - if someone is on drugs/drinks excessively
    - if someone is chronically unemployed/underemployed (I want someone who can support themselves)
    - if someone has recent exes or lovers ďorbitingĒ

    Of course, Iím not talking about the mother of his kids who he needs to interact with. Or the girl he dated for a hot second 10 years ago who happens to be on his volleyball team. Iím talking about recent lovers who he could reasonably call up for sex and it might happen - who he insists on maintaining contact with. Those are all just things I would not want to deal with...

    Why turn yourself into the crazy jealous/controlling girl who tries to tell him who he can and canít be friends with? Simply date people who have appropriate relationship boundaries and this isnít a problem...

  8. #17
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My take on this, is he's prepping you in order to cover his tracks if this incident should become questionable. Either way, why allow yourself to invest your time in someone who throws off these type of vibes?

    I'd trust my intuition and send him packing.

  9. #18
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    Two things. Bluecastles advice is 100% spot on.

    And "oh poor me I slept with my pretty female friend life is bad" said no man ever.

    He's friends with her because she's fun, and he's keeping her around because she's "fun!"

    He's telling you because technically if you know and don't put your foot down you can't blame him for being dishonest.

  10. #19
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    I would just drop him and find someone else. I know he doesn't owe you any explanation because your not official but when/if you end up being official it's safe to say she will still be in his life on the side and that friendship will ALWAYS make you uncomfortable.

    Since she's known him longer it's not like you can walk in and start making demands and ending friendships.

    Leave them to their mess... this is a red flag that will only intensify.

  11. #20
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    Most adults cut contact with their sex buddies the second they start stepping into the dating scene. Out of respect for you and within his goal of finding someone, she should've taken a back burner and he shouldve geared his attention to his dating life. That's an inappropriate friendship to have. The moment he decided to start dating around he shoildve reduced contact.

    The fact they still sound relatively close is pretty damning imo. It really tells you what his intentions are.

    He might be dating around but keeping her in close proximity basically says, "I'm having fun and dating around but if that doesn't work out, I can always get back to my sex buddy."

    Op, it doesn't sound like he's serious about finding true love.

    I see this friendship more dangerous than a friends with ex's. With ex's/in a relationship at least you have some connection and you're able to intellectually determine if you're not compatible giving solid reasons why it would be a bad idea to romantically reconcile. But with a sex buddy, all you need is sexual attraction, making it easier to fall back into a friends with benefits situation the second he feels sexually deprived

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