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summablairr

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My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.)

 

I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly.

 

When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.

He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts.

 

I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?

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Blair I’m going to say the same thing I did to you in your other post

 

Why is dating your focus right now?

 

Serious question.

 

Why are you stressing so much about it.

 

In the grand scheme of things its pretty low on the importance totem pole.

 

I think dating is something that falls into place when your life is settled. When youre content and ready to add to your life.

 

Not something to take on while filled with anxiety, new medication, career instability, etc.

 

I mean no disrespect, Im honestly realizing more and more each day jusy how many are using dating as a coping mechanism, as a way to 'fix' themselves. and its just such a reckless thing to do.

 

Just put one foot in front of the other, you say relationships and friendships are hard, well walk before you run girl, make some friends! Starts small, go to coffee shops during open mic night, or the library, or in class when someone talks to you, talk back.

 

This ironically is the last thing posted on that post. And you ignored and chased after broken dating. Now you get to be the victim and your ex gets to be the big bad wolf even though you know good and well you aren’t in the mental state to be dating, with anxiety so high and self esteem so low I’ll tell you the same thing my counselor told me, I’d be surprised if you werent in a toxic relationship. Of course he’s abusive, you looked for this. Do I think you want to be abused? Of course not but the drama the high of the push pull, the toxicity, until you get well this is what dating is for you, this is what you seem to accept.

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Follow up with your doctors, psychiatrist, therapist and support groups. Enlist the help of your parents. Do not live in secrecy. Tell your parents and doctors/therapists what is going on. You need to remove this guy from your life completely delete and block him and all his people from all your devices, messaging and social media apps. Never let anyone go through your phone. Get a retraining order against this creep and ask your parents for help. You also need to stop drinking.

I don't have much friends either and I'm just in a constant state of loneliness and depression 24/7. I've been suicidal before in the past. My parents are the only reason why I'm still here.
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At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.

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At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.

 

You can't please him and keep your sanity.

 

So, are you going to continue to cater to his controlling, abusive ways?

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Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

 

In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.

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Blair, honestly, per your last post, we don't need more details, it's pretty obvious what this guy is about.

 

Controlling, borderline abusive, we get it. And it will get worse, not better.

 

What I'd like to read from you, is not more evidence of his controlling nature, but rather how you feel about what figureitout and others posted.

 

Their posts are spot on, can you respond?

 

Or at least think about what they're telling you? Especially figureitout.

 

At the end of the day, this is about you, not him. And why you choose to stay.

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Do not ever send people nudes, unless you want them posted online and shared with his friends!

 

He is abusive and controlling! He does not love, respect or like you, at all. Why do you stay with this guy? Where is your self love?

 

Don;t you think that if you have to keep your relationship a secret, you should't be in it. Your friends, family, and the forum are telling you to get away from this guy, why are you not listening?

 

Please seek therapy! This is so abusive and sick, but you already know that. What do you get out of this control and mistreatment?

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At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.

 

Why didn't you respond to the posters who took the time to respond to your thread. The about paragraph is simply a ramble, and no response to the posts. Stop complaining about this guy and get out of this mess.

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Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

 

In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.

 

So disturbing what people seek in partners.

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There is a huge difference between a shared fetish and this abusive jerk. Listen to your mother. If you are ending up in hospitals after suicide attempts and with severe depression, this guy needs to get out of your life. Let your mother file a restraining order on your behalf. Stop drinking alcohol, it worsens symptoms and undermines whatever therapy and medical treatment you are receiving..

I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment.
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Short answer: Yes, he's abusive.

 

He may not have actually hit you yet (though it sounds as though he has verbally abused you), but that will surely follow if you get back together with him and abide by his "rules." (Who makes "rules" for another adult anyway? You're not a child!)

 

Just reading your post made me anxious; he wants to keep an eye on you all day, every day. He scolds/berates you if you don't respond quickly enough, tells you it's "too late" when you finally do respond, wants you to send pictures (I'm assuming nudes) at all hours of the day, even when you're at WORK, and wants to see when you've read all of his texts so that he can, in turn, berate you for not responding immediately once you've received them.

 

THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

 

The next thing that's coming: He'll try to alienate you from all of your friends and family, telling you they're bad, that they don't understand you, that he's the only one who can help you, you're "nothing" without him, etc. Once he has you completely cut off from all of them, he'll have 100% control over you.

 

This guy is bad, bad news. At best, he's controlling. At worst, he's an abusive creep. (My vote is for him being an abusive creep.) He is preying on you because he knows you're vulnerable. If you care about yourself and your well-being at all, you will get far, far away from him, even if that means finding a new job so that you don't work with/near him.

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Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

 

In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.

 

I agree. At this point I don't believe OP is here seeking advice re whether or not she should leave, she has no intention of leaving.

 

She comes here to vent as a coping mechanism during their off times. There is a journal section for that OP.

 

In any event, Best of luck.

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At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.

 

Girl! Life is not a 50 Shades of Grey novel... you may be turned on by the idea of someone that likes to be in control, however in a healthy relationship / BDSM situation that sort of thing is consensual, not done against the other person's will.

 

Additionally... while I agree that this guy is bad news for you, I also think you are mentally unstable and need professional help... your behavior with him, getting drunk at the party, indicates you have a desire to engage in self-destructive behavior... and if you aren't careful, you may end up getting exactly what you want.

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I just want to canvas your idea of BDSM (your post #10) and clarify that BDSM occurs between consenting adults. It does not occur in confusion and without consent. If you haven't spoken about it in detail and spoken about clear boundaries when it comes to control and pushing limits, you are not two consenting adults. I don't know how old either of you are also but this not BDSM. I think you have some inclinations towards tolerance for controlling situations which is dangerous if it's not explored in a safe environment between consenting adults. Don't mistake this for acceptable behaviour if it falls into a blurry category or is confusing to you.

 

He may also be exploring parts of himself that are heavily into fetish and control but he is not doing it in a safe or respectful way where there's a clear understanding between parties. Some of his demands were so left field that I did also think it was fetish-based (minor in their request, high level demand in their tone). I'm referring specifically for example to his request for photos every day or else kind of tone which (if isolated) sounds quite ridiculous. Take a breather, put things in perspective and try and evaluate whether there are clear understandings between the both of you. If you are perpetually confused, this is not a healthy situation for you.

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Sadly your BDSM game has been going on quite a while. Why call it abuse if this is the game you 2 play?

12-16-2016

 

I went over to his apartment in just a trench coat and lingerie (cliche' I know, but i wanted to do something special of him) He loved it at first ,things got heated at one point and we were about to have sex but he had his phone out and started recording me...I shy away from it and kind of ran away from the camera...He's 30 years old and I am 22

 

We ended up arguing and he said how on a scale of 1-10 i'm like at a 3 in regards to naked photos, things of that nature. I sent him a photo once of just my cleavage and he said he was happy to see it but it wasn't a big deal to him. I feel he's not talkative or seems upset that makes me feel like in a way he's trying to punish me and make me feel guilty.

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Thank you to the ones who have responded to me and given me advice. It's not easy for me to let go. There are some underlining issues I deal with that I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to let go. Never thought I would be that person. Again it isn't easy for me and I'm trying my best to let go , but I can't control my thoughts and there are times I long to just be with him. Just to hear his voice. Just to have him love me again. When you've been in a relationship with an abuser who gaslights you all the time, you start to question you sanity and feel as though you're the problem. I post with details because I just want to know if it's me. If I'm the problem. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I put up with abuse. I just want to make things right. I'm seeking therapy and have found a new therapist and I'm taking medicine. I'm hoping this will help. I'm really making an effort, even if it's hard.

Again I appreciate the advice.

I'm not trying to sound repetitive or be burden to this forum, since some responses just brought up old posts I written in the past(years ago) . I honestly feel like some responses were just belittling and had some bullying undertones. Not trying to sound like a "victim" and I'm Not trying to start any arguments, but when someone is asking for help and have asked multiple times, there are obviously some issues there. Please try to be kinder. To the ones who were kind and genuinely gave me advice, I truly appreciate it . Thank you so much.

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