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Thread: Is this abuse ?

  1. #1
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    Is this abuse ?

    My ex boyfriend has come back into my life recently. We broke up after I had a mental break down last year. He was supportive and helped me get the resources I needed to overcome it. Recently we've been talking again but he keeps giving me mixed signals. I feel as though he's coercing me to do somethings he knows I'm not comfortable with, just for his satisfaction. He told me he wants me to send him pictures of myself everyday and it's unacceptable if I don't send them , even if I'm busy. He sent me a text saying the only way we could be back with each other is if he could have full control over my life, because he say's he's never did anything to let me down. He always brings up my mental breakdown and says he's the only one who was there for me and supportive so I need to do what he says because he cares for me. He told me to put his text messages on read so he could know when I see it. He gave me a list of things he wants me to do and asked me what he should do to punish me if I don't follow the rules. he kind of scared me then and it's a topic we never spoke about again. He was never that controlling when we were together and I feel as though he's taking advantage of my vulnerability and love for him. He doesn't want people knowing that we talk to each other anymore because of my mental breakdown that was kind of public. (I threatened to kill myself during the breakdown and his friends know all about it and he says how they don't want me to be with him since then, so I need to keep us a secret.)

    I recently saw him while I was out at a party. I don't like parties and started drinking to help me not be so tense. Well I ended up getting drunk and it was really bad. I don't remember much but I went up to him and gave him a hug. I barely remember anything else. The next day a friend of mind told me it wasn't bad and that I just threw my body on him to give him a drunk hug and that I was just very talkative and friendly.

    When he texted me the next day he said I made it obvious something was going on between us at the party and why would I do that and it was a bad look. I'm scared I may have embarrassed myself. It was a party that some of our colleagues were at and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.
    He even asked me what his name was saved in my phone. I don't know why he asked but I briefly remember giving my phone to someone else while I was drunk. I don't know if that person looked through my text messages which were basically drunk texts I sent my ex and another few that were sexts between us. I had no nudes on there though. I was scared she may have seen the texts.

    I kept calling my ex just for answers and ask him what happened and why he asked me those questions and he's never responded to me. He knows this is eating up my anxiety and he continues to ignore me and let me worry about what I did. I don't know what to do . I want to end things with him, but I'm also scared what he my do to hurt me or "punish " me . I don't want to see that play out so I kind of just listen to what he says to keep the peace between us. what should I do . is this signs of abuse?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He is nuts. Cut him off IMMEDIATELY and never go back. Period.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Absolutely cut contact with this lunatic. Block and delete him from your phone and any social media. Get yourself into therapy to find out why you have allowed this person into your life and let him treat you like this. It's beyond wrong.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    These aren't signs. It is clear abuse and it sounds like it's going to keep getting worse. Cut all contact with this guy and seek therapy ASAP.

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  6. #5
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    Tell your parents he is abusing you so they can help you stay away from him.

    Ask yourself why you want to be treated like this.

    And yes, this is abuse,

  7. #6
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    If your parents aren't a comfortable resource, tell another adult like school principal etc. Adults use their friends and therapists for help breaking away from toxic relarionships. Its helpful for teens too.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your ex bf is a control freak!

    Tell you ex, it's time to permanently part ways. If he's relentless, ghost and block him.

    If your ex continues to harass you, call the police. You need to be safe.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Blair Iím going to say the same thing I did to you in your other post

    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Why is dating your focus right now?

    Serious question.

    Why are you stressing so much about it.

    In the grand scheme of things its pretty low on the importance totem pole.

    I think dating is something that falls into place when your life is settled. When youre content and ready to add to your life.

    Not something to take on while filled with anxiety, new medication, career instability, etc.

    I mean no disrespect, Im honestly realizing more and more each day jusy how many are using dating as a coping mechanism, as a way to 'fix' themselves. and its just such a reckless thing to do.

    Just put one foot in front of the other, you say relationships and friendships are hard, well walk before you run girl, make some friends! Starts small, go to coffee shops during open mic night, or the library, or in class when someone talks to you, talk back.
    This ironically is the last thing posted on that post. And you ignored and chased after broken dating. Now you get to be the victim and your ex gets to be the big bad wolf even though you know good and well you arenít in the mental state to be dating, with anxiety so high and self esteem so low Iíll tell you the same thing my counselor told me, Iíd be surprised if you werent in a toxic relationship. Of course heís abusive, you looked for this. Do I think you want to be abused? Of course not but the drama the high of the push pull, the toxicity, until you get well this is what dating is for you, this is what you seem to accept.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Follow up with your doctors, psychiatrist, therapist and support groups. Enlist the help of your parents. Do not live in secrecy. Tell your parents and doctors/therapists what is going on. You need to remove this guy from your life completely delete and block him and all his people from all your devices, messaging and social media apps. Never let anyone go through your phone. Get a retraining order against this creep and ask your parents for help. You also need to stop drinking.
    Originally Posted by summablairr
    I don't have much friends either and I'm just in a constant state of loneliness and depression 24/7. I've been suicidal before in the past. My parents are the only reason why I'm still here.

  11. #10
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    At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.

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