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Thread: Is this abuse ?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I just want to canvas your idea of BDSM (your post #10) and clarify that BDSM occurs between consenting adults. It does not occur in confusion and without consent. If you haven't spoken about it in detail and spoken about clear boundaries when it comes to control and pushing limits, you are not two consenting adults. I don't know how old either of you are also but this not BDSM. I think you have some inclinations towards tolerance for controlling situations which is dangerous if it's not explored in a safe environment between consenting adults. Don't mistake this for acceptable behaviour if it falls into a blurry category or is confusing to you.

    He may also be exploring parts of himself that are heavily into fetish and control but he is not doing it in a safe or respectful way where there's a clear understanding between parties. Some of his demands were so left field that I did also think it was fetish-based (minor in their request, high level demand in their tone). I'm referring specifically for example to his request for photos every day or else kind of tone which (if isolated) sounds quite ridiculous. Take a breather, put things in perspective and try and evaluate whether there are clear understandings between the both of you. If you are perpetually confused, this is not a healthy situation for you.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If he's ignoring you, then you're in the perfect position to be done with this and stay away from him.

    Are you smart enough to do that?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly your BDSM game has been going on quite a while. Why call it abuse if this is the game you 2 play?
    Originally Posted by summablairr
    12-16-2016

    I went over to his apartment in just a trench coat and lingerie (cliche' I know, but i wanted to do something special of him) He loved it at first ,things got heated at one point and we were about to have sex but he had his phone out and started recording me...I shy away from it and kind of ran away from the camera...He's 30 years old and I am 22

    We ended up arguing and he said how on a scale of 1-10 i'm like at a 3 in regards to naked photos, things of that nature. I sent him a photo once of just my cleavage and he said he was happy to see it but it wasn't a big deal to him. I feel he's not talkative or seems upset that makes me feel like in a way he's trying to punish me and make me feel guilty.

  4. #24
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    Thank you to the ones who have responded to me and given me advice. It's not easy for me to let go. There are some underlining issues I deal with that I'm trying to figure out why it's so hard for me to let go. Never thought I would be that person. Again it isn't easy for me and I'm trying my best to let go , but I can't control my thoughts and there are times I long to just be with him. Just to hear his voice. Just to have him love me again. When you've been in a relationship with an abuser who gaslights you all the time, you start to question you sanity and feel as though you're the problem. I post with details because I just want to know if it's me. If I'm the problem. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I put up with abuse. I just want to make things right. I'm seeking therapy and have found a new therapist and I'm taking medicine. I'm hoping this will help. I'm really making an effort, even if it's hard.
    Again I appreciate the advice.
    I'm not trying to sound repetitive or be burden to this forum, since some responses just brought up old posts I written in the past(years ago) . I honestly feel like some responses were just belittling and had some bullying undertones. Not trying to sound like a "victim" and I'm Not trying to start any arguments, but when someone is asking for help and have asked multiple times, there are obviously some issues there. Please try to be kinder. To the ones who were kind and genuinely gave me advice, I truly appreciate it . Thank you so much.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Therapy is the best place for you to get advice and appropriate medical treatment may help in the long run. Good luck with your endeavors.
    Originally Posted by summablairr
    I'm seeking therapy and have found a new therapist and I'm taking medicine. I'm hoping this will help.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 08-16-2019 at 01:30 AM.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm seeking therapy and have found a new therapist and I'm taking medicine. I'm hoping this will help.
    This is good, and when you need to write, write. You're always welcome here. You can also dial or write to any of the support hotlines on the Internet to speak with someone who's trained in this area, and you can also ask for a referral to a counselor who is local to you. That's not the same a therapy, it would be in addition to your therapy, because people who work hotlines and shelters and prevention groups are trained to help you form a plan to stay safe during a breakup and they can help you stay strong enough to stop your part in engaging anyone who is bad for you.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by summablairr
    I'm not trying to sound repetitive or be burden to this forum, since some responses just brought up old posts I written in the past(years ago) . I honestly feel like some responses were just belittling and had some bullying undertones. Not trying to sound like a "victim" and I'm Not trying to start any arguments, but when someone is asking for help and have asked multiple times, there are obviously some issues there. Please try to be kinder. To the ones who were kind and genuinely gave me advice, I truly appreciate it . Thank you so much.
    Honest advice based on the info given isnít always going to be what you want to hear, doesnít make anyone a bully and yes you are attempting to victimize yourself. You are in a toxic cycle with this guy, posters caught onto it and pointed it out. How is that bullying?

  9. #28
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    I don't know enough about your other health issues, but choosing to continue a relationship with an abuser is absolutely not going to make you healthier.

    I can choose to gorge on donuts and cheeseburgers and then complain I'm overweight and lethargic, but isn't what I choose to eat my responsibility? As is my own health?

    If you want to be healthy and feel better, getting rid of toxic trash is a huge step in the right direction. Even if it's difficult. Totally worth it.

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