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Thread: Is this abuse ?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by summablairr
    At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.
    You can't please him and keep your sanity.

    So, are you going to continue to cater to his controlling, abusive ways?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

    In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.

  3. #13
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    Blair, honestly, per your last post, we don't need more details, it's pretty obvious what this guy is about.

    Controlling, borderline abusive, we get it. And it will get worse, not better.

    What I'd like to read from you, is not more evidence of his controlling nature, but rather how you feel about what figureitout and others posted.

    Their posts are spot on, can you respond?

    Or at least think about what they're telling you? Especially figureitout.

    At the end of the day, this is about you, not him. And why you choose to stay.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-13-2019 at 10:23 AM.

  4. #14
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    Do not ever send people nudes, unless you want them posted online and shared with his friends!

    He is abusive and controlling! He does not love, respect or like you, at all. Why do you stay with this guy? Where is your self love?

    Don;t you think that if you have to keep your relationship a secret, you should't be in it. Your friends, family, and the forum are telling you to get away from this guy, why are you not listening?

    Please seek therapy! This is so abusive and sick, but you already know that. What do you get out of this control and mistreatment?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-13-2019 at 10:30 AM.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by summablairr
    At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.
    Why didn't you respond to the posters who took the time to respond to your thread. The about paragraph is simply a ramble, and no response to the posts. Stop complaining about this guy and get out of this mess.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

    In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.
    So disturbing what people seek in partners.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is a huge difference between a shared fetish and this abusive jerk. Listen to your mother. If you are ending up in hospitals after suicide attempts and with severe depression, this guy needs to get out of your life. Let your mother file a restraining order on your behalf. Stop drinking alcohol, it worsens symptoms and undermines whatever therapy and medical treatment you are receiving..
    Originally Posted by summablairr
    I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Short answer: Yes, he's abusive.

    He may not have actually hit you yet (though it sounds as though he has verbally abused you), but that will surely follow if you get back together with him and abide by his "rules." (Who makes "rules" for another adult anyway? You're not a child!)

    Just reading your post made me anxious; he wants to keep an eye on you all day, every day. He scolds/berates you if you don't respond quickly enough, tells you it's "too late" when you finally do respond, wants you to send pictures (I'm assuming nudes) at all hours of the day, even when you're at WORK, and wants to see when you've read all of his texts so that he can, in turn, berate you for not responding immediately once you've received them.

    THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

    The next thing that's coming: He'll try to alienate you from all of your friends and family, telling you they're bad, that they don't understand you, that he's the only one who can help you, you're "nothing" without him, etc. Once he has you completely cut off from all of them, he'll have 100% control over you.

    This guy is bad, bad news. At best, he's controlling. At worst, he's an abusive creep. (My vote is for him being an abusive creep.) He is preying on you because he knows you're vulnerable. If you care about yourself and your well-being at all, you will get far, far away from him, even if that means finding a new job so that you don't work with/near him.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Well, she’s been asking ‘is he controlling? Is this abuse?’ Since 2016 so I’d take an educated guess and say yes.

    In fact taking the clue at the end of her post that he’s not responding to her at this moment I’m guessing she posts during their ‘off seasons’ and happily goes right back when he allows.
    I agree. At this point I don't believe OP is here seeking advice re whether or not she should leave, she has no intention of leaving.

    She comes here to vent as a coping mechanism during their off times. There is a journal section for that OP.

    In any event, Best of luck.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by summablairr
    At first, I wasn't sure if he was just into BDSM and I kind of played along with it, thinking he was into it. But it's a conversation that's never came up. We didn't have a convo on what he likes and what he would want and he never asked me. He just started throwing out demands and said he wants me to do something when he says it and to not ask questions. For example I was at work we work near each other and he told me he wanted to hook up and send him a nude. I told him I would but I was busy and to wait . I was in the middle of working and talking to other people. When I finally got a chance to respond he said it was too late and that he was disappointed in me and that he sees where my priorities were and how I need to listen to him and do what he says. It concerned me. I told my mom about it and she mentioned calling the police, but I told her it didn't need to go that far because a part of me is allowing him to do this so I wouldn't call it harassment. I guess I just want to make him happy and not upset but it comes at a cost because I feel it's impossible to please him and keep my sanity.
    Girl! Life is not a 50 Shades of Grey novel... you may be turned on by the idea of someone that likes to be in control, however in a healthy relationship / BDSM situation that sort of thing is consensual, not done against the other person's will.

    Additionally... while I agree that this guy is bad news for you, I also think you are mentally unstable and need professional help... your behavior with him, getting drunk at the party, indicates you have a desire to engage in self-destructive behavior... and if you aren't careful, you may end up getting exactly what you want.

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